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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My mostly emotional but also PA started 2.5 years ago. When he left country, we did see each other more than once a year. We kept in touch online and I did all calling.
At the beginning, when I felt so much love for him, I did not realize how unfair this was. I was being very selfish.
My therapist said it was because he woke up feelings I did not feel for long and missed them in my life.

But, after all this time, there is no day I wouldn’t think about my mistake; about my marriage. My husband does not deserve it no matter what happened between us before I met this OM.

I will be starting MC next week but like most of you already said before, I need to end everything between me and OM.
The only thing is, I do not know how – emotionally.
I feel so much for him even though it was never perfect. He had some affairs before; he won’t talk about his feelings, was married twice. He also has ED where pills are not working anymore.

Reading after myself makes me wonder why in the world can’t let go?! I tried before. We would not talk for months but then we got back to it. I also worry about him a lot because of his disease which will never be better, just worse. Maybe this is why it’s so hard for me to give up caring about him. I just don’t know.

My H and I talked last night about counseling. I told him that we started to drift apart when he hit me first time, then second, third time; with each name calling, criticism, his anger. He said why I can’t let go of years before.

He asked what I want from counseling. I said we need help to be point right direction on how to work on our problems. He did not like any of my answers I gave him because he wanted to hear that I will change. Just me, no one else. He said we can officially separate. I said nothing. He said no MC for him.

I am very confused right now. I can’t even say I love him the way wife should.
I do not remember last time I wanted to tell him those words. Maybe 7-8 years ago. But I want to try to save my marriage if it is possible.I want him to be happy with or without me. I am sad for what I became. I messed up big time. And this is no one else’s fault, only mine. I do not want to hurt people around me anymore. They do not deserve that.


My question is, how do I stop being attached to OM, how do I stop having feelings for him, wanted to hear him, care about him? Any advice will by appreciated.
 

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It's a high from the excitement and secret nature of the relationship, not real feelings. The only way to make it stop is to cut off ALL contact. Send the OM a letter explaining it was wrong and that you don't wish to talk further. Period. And mean it.

Put that same energy and attention on your husband and marriage. Turn over all phones/email passwords, etc. to your husband to keep you accountable. He can choose to look or not.
 

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So let me see if I got this right:

You have been in an EA/PA for approx. 2.5 yrs.
Your husband hit you? Or verbally attacked you?
Your husband knows about the affair?
You are currently seperated?
You cannot say that you love your husband?

Please answer all of the above.
 

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Your feelings for him have a life of their own - you have to kill them by strangling them. The way you strangle the life out of them is by maintaining no contact and giving it time. No contact means no facebook stalking, no reading old messages, no nothing. As far as your concerned he never existed. It also means when he enters your thoughts you think of something else. This is hard to do at first but you can teach yourself to do it.
 

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Your feelings for him have a life of their own - you have to kill them by strangling them. The way you strangle the life out of them is by maintaining no contact and giving it time. No contact means no facebook stalking, no reading old messages, no nothing. As far as your concerned he never existed. It also means when he enters your thoughts you think of something else. This is hard to do at first but you can teach yourself to do it.
This. Delete his contact info. Change your contact info, so he can't contact you. Admitting to your husband that you had an affair and letting him monitor your activities would likely help too.

C
 

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MC is a waste of time until you can put OM out of your life.

You just have to decide to just do it. It is an addiction and like all addictive behavior, each time there is contact, you get the "high" and it sets you back to square one.

You will have withdrawal and you will justify contact in your mind (Just to check on him. Just to make sure he is OK. Just a quick "how are you doing". A quick response to his message). Any contact stops your recovery and sets you back.

You need to stop contact for yourself, not just for your marriage. It sounds like there are enough problems in your marriage without the OM adding to them. It also sounds like you need some IC before MC.

It is standard cheater script to rewrite marital history to justify the affair, but if your husband has gotten physically abusive, there is no excuse for that, however it still does not justify what you have done. Does your husband know about the affair?

You know you have to give up OM if there is any hope for your marriage. IC will help with this if you find a good counselor. Once OM is out of the picture and your mind, then you can work on your marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
So let me see if I got this right:

You have been in an EA/PA for approx. 2.5 yrs.
Your husband hit you? Or verbally attacked you?
Your husband knows about the affair?
You are currently seperated?
You cannot say that you love your husband?

Please answer all of the above.
Here it is:

You have been in an EA/PA for approx. 2.5 yrs.
Yes

Your husband hit you? Or verbally attacked you?

He did couple times when he was very angry. He said I deserved it. I actually believed him until I found article on emotional and physical abuse. He verbally attacks a lot. He was kinda "joking" about him going to jail before he would agree with divorce.
One time he had big fun when I was in passenger's seat and bend to fix my shoes. He slams on the brakes and I hit my head. He did that because he thought it would be funny.

Your husband knows about the affair? NO

You are currently seperated?
He said we are but that happened only yesterday. We stay separated under one roof. We can't afford to get another place.

You cannot say that you love your husband?
I honestly do not know what I feel for him. I know I love him but it is not same love as I felt when I married him. We dated for 3 years. Married for 10.

Please answer all of the above.[/QUOTE]
 

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You have bigger problems than worrying about OM if you live with a physical abuser. Your life is in danger. Start carefully planning your escape. Next time he slams on the brakes so you hit your head on the dashboard may kill you.
 

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Being clarified on your situation here are few tips:

If and only if he agrees to MC you are to disclose the affair there and only there.

Since he is verbally and physically abusive I would take this chance to be free from him once and for all. This is a good chance for IC and to determine if you love him for real or are in love with the idea of being married.

As for the OM, please just stop all contact with him. Delete you facebook, email and change phone numbers. You will not get the hardwork done in IC if you keep talking with him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
MC is a waste of time until you can put OM out of your life.

You just have to decide to just do it. It is an addiction and like all addictive behavior, each time there is contact, you get the "high" and it sets you back to square one.

You will have withdrawal and you will justify contact in your mind (Just to check on him. Just to make sure he is OK. Just a quick "how are you doing". A quick response to his message). Any contact stops your recovery and sets you back.

You need to stop contact for yourself, not just for your marriage. It sounds like there are enough problems in your marriage without the OM adding to them. It also sounds like you need some IC before MC.

It is standard cheater script to rewrite marital history to justify the affair, but if your husband has gotten physically abusive, there is no excuse for that, however it still does not justify what you have done. Does your husband know about the affair?

You know you have to give up OM if there is any hope for your marriage. IC will help with this if you find a good counselor. Once OM is out of the picture and your mind, then you can work on your marriage.
I did not rewrite our history. I was actually reading my emails from 2005-2007 I sent to my friend and to online therapist. I felt same way as I do now expect I never thought I would cheat on him.
My husband does not know. I am scared to tell him. I cannot imagine his reaction.
 

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How has your affair helped anything?
For nearly 3 yrs you have been lying to your husband, yourself, to everyone. It's a farce.

If your husband is abusive, leave.

Don't bring in third parties because affairs solve NOTHING.

Stop saying you dont want to "hurt" anyone when you have been having an affair for almost 3 yrs and show no WILLINGNESS to end it. None whatsoever.

You say you "can't" stop but I disagree. You can. You just choose not to.

This is all your doing.

So be a woman, own it and actually do something to STOP it.

If your husband is abusive, when are you even entertaining marriage counselling at all? What would be the point in staying with a man who beats you?????????????????????????????

Stop bringing in third parties to your already-messed up situation.

Sh*t or get off the pot.



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My mostly emotional but also PA started 2.5 years ago. When he left country, we did see each other more than once a year. We kept in touch online and I did all calling.
Out of country booty call, nice....That's how you forget him. He's using you for sex only if you're doing all the chasing. Best kind of booty call ever since you're in another country.
 

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Here it is:

You have been in an EA/PA for approx. 2.5 yrs.
Yes

Your husband hit you? Or verbally attacked you?

He did couple times when he was very angry. He said I deserved it. I actually believed him until I found article on emotional and physical abuse. He verbally attacks a lot. He was kinda "joking" about him going to jail before he would agree with divorce.
One time he had big fun when I was in passenger's seat and bend to fix my shoes. He slams on the brakes and I hit my head. He did that because he thought it would be funny.

You cannot say that you love your husband?
I honestly do not know what I feel for him. I know I love him but it is not same love as I felt when I married him. We dated for 3 years. Married for 10.

Please answer all of the above.
So why do you stay? If he does this and you refuse to end your affair. Why. Do. You. Stay?



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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
How has your affair helped anything?
For nearly 3 yrs you have been lying to your husband, yourself, to everyone. It's a farce.

If your husband is abusive, leave.

Don't bring in third parties because affairs solve NOTHING.

Stop saying you dont want to "hurt" anyone when you have been having an affair for almost 3 yrs and show no WILLINGNESS to end it. None whatsoever.

You say you "can't" stop but I disagree. You can. You just choose not to.

This is all your doing.

So be a woman, own it and actually do something to STOP it.

If your husband is abusive, when are you even entertaining marriage counselling at all? What would be the point in staying with a man who beats you?????????????????????????????

Stop bringing in third parties to your already-messed up situation.

Sh*t or get off the pot.
I do not do pot but that's not the point.

I did not leave because he did not do it often. He did not hit me because he was having bad day at work. And besides that, he made me believe that I deserved it.
We would fight when he criticized me, I would not know what to do anymore, so I would give him some names. He did not like it and slapped me.
But there were times when I just made him mad or did not react the way he wanted and he did that.

But this is not excuse for me cheat, I know.
 

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Leave your husband, abuse should never be tolerated no matter what reason.

As for the OM, trust me, he's using you big time for sex only. He has no intention of ever being with you romantically.

Start over new and learn from this situation. That's just my opinion though.
 

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I did not leave because he did not do it often. He did not hit me because he was having bad day at work. And besides that, he made me believe that I deserved it.
We would fight when he criticized me, I would not know what to do anymore, so I would give him some names. He did not like it and slapped me.
But there were times when I just made him mad or did not react the way he wanted and he did that.

But this is not excuse for me cheat, I know.
I hear a lot of BLAH BLAH BLAH here (meaning, excuses).

You choose to stay in your affair because you want to.
You choose to stay with an abuser because you want to.

You're a grown a$$ woman. If you want something to change, do something about it.

Good luck because when you keep doing the same, you can expect the same.

I guess my "Give a damn" button is broken today. :rolleyes:



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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
So why do you stay? If he does this and you refuse to end your affair. Why. Do. You. Stay?
JellyBeans, because I am with him since I was 17. He was my first love. When I was younger, I could not imagine walk away.
Later on, I would scream inside of me for getting way out and leave.
Then I found OM. Messed up everything. I feel guilty for what I did and it made me feel like what if my husband is the best I could have and I am letting him go?
Everybody loves him, even though they do not know him the way I do. I tried to work on us before. It was ok for few weeks then it was bad again. Same cycle all the time. I did not realize then -how much putting downs do to you.
Now when I tell him not to do things he was used to, he says I am being sensitive - princess like.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I hear a lot of BLAH BLAH BLAH here (meaning, excuses).

You choose to stay in your affair because you want to.
You choose to stay with an abuser because you want to.

You're a grown a$$ woman. If you want something to change, do something about it.

Good luck because when you keep doing the same, you can expect the same.

I guess my "Give a damn" button is broken today. :rolleyes:
Sorry for breaking you button. Thank you for advice. Even thought I do lots of Bla, I do appreciate it.:eek:
 
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