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Feeling Vindicated

1478 Views 41 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  tech-novelist
So I had a moment of vindication today that I wanted to share. But first, the backstory.

Most of my personal relationship posts have been about my phony scumbag ex because I came to TAM looking for help with him. Many of you know I divorced him and TAM was a great support.

I haven't posted as much about hb #1, my kids father. We met in the military....I was army and he was navy. We had known each other three months when we got married to avoid being split up.

We turned out to be a poor match. We had very different ideas of what marriage should look like....he was from WV and thought women should do as we're told, stay in the kitchen, and keep our mouths shut. Sex was about him getting his and I could **** off.

I wasn't a stay at home type. I'm math minded and not the best housekeeper. And I'm a loud mouth woman raised by NY Jews.

He was miserable with me and just generally didn't like women very much. I came to understand many years later that it was a result of watching his mother steamroll his father because she'd been an incest victim and married a guy she could control.

We had our two boys and he resented bring tied down by a family. He wanted to do what he wanted and was pissed off he had responsibilities. He was in the navy and wanted to get out....I'd left the army because someone had to keep our boys during deployments. But I made him stay in because I knew if he got out we'd be broke and everything would fall on me. Not only would I have had to carry the financial burden, he wouldn't have lifted a finger with the boys.

So he drank. A lot. And got nasty while drunk. Fights, cops were called, he'd threaten me...frankly I'm convinced the only reason he didn't beat the crap out of me was that I had a black belt and he was afraid of what I might do. Turned out he actually wasn't that tough with someone he thought might fight back.

So one day he got orders to move bases and I told him I wasn't going. He had a meltdown because even though he was miserable with me and hated my guts he didn't want another divorce and more child support. He'd been married before and was paying for his son from that marriage. But he knew I was miserable....he told directly that my unhappiness was my problem. He later admitted that he didn't think I'd leave.

I gave him a good divorce. Didn't ask for any of his retirement even though I had to start from the ground up. I asked for the house, which didn't have much equity, and child support and that was it. He actually left the marriage with a lot more then he came in with because I was smart and had made some investments. His lawyer told him to sign before I changed my mind, which he did, but he was still a nasty prick.

You'd think I was the devil. His family cut me off and basically wrote off our kids unless he had them, which wasn't much. They'd talk to the first wife and make trips to see that grandson, but mine could **** off. They wouldn't even mail birthday gifts to my house.....They'd wait until ex had them which was once or twice a year.

So whatever. The years go by and while they talk to him they're much closer to me. I gave him breaks on all kinds of stuff, I'm easy to deal with, I didn't even make a fuss when he stopped paying support when he retired from the navy. I don't get credit or acknowledgement for anything, but I never expected it from those pricks.

Fast forward to now. Ex and I have developed an amicable relationship over the years. I wouldn't call us friends but when we have reason to see each other we're friendly and do talk on occasion when our kids are involved. He has a live in gf who I get along fine with and my boys like her. He gets along fine with my bf as do our boys. And he's older and has mellowed.

Boys are now 22 and 19. Ex's parents moved in with him because they need help and of course want to see the boys more. The boys do visit sometimes but since they (ex's parents) decided to distance themselves from them because they didn't like me they're not close. I should add that I gave them a standing invitation to talk to the boys any time and they ignored me.

Ex's first son, the golden child, barely speaks to him. Apparently the first wife that they tripped themselves to keep in touch with poisoned that well, although I think ex could've made more effort. I'm sure first wife has her own side.

Our boys are both great, smart guys and he loves to show off my work. I can’t blame him for that.

So finally we get to my vindication. Younger son rode with his dad out of state a couple of years ago to the funeral of ex's sister in law. My son ended up as a pallbearer because one of his cousins didn't bother showing up. This aunt actually kept in touch with the first wife to keep in touch with golden child, who also didn't show up to her funeral. My son, who she couldn't be bothered to know, helped carry her coffin.

Son told me about all the stuff he and his father talked about during the 14 hour drive. Ex told him that he didn't have much to do with golden child (ex's son and my kids half brother) because the mother poisoned that well. He told son that I was always easy to deal with and he really appreciated that, and he knew if I'd wanted to I could've poisoned the well too.

I don't know why it made me so happy to have that acknowledged but it did. My father used to say that if you did the right thing/what had to be done you'd often be disliked in the moment, but quite often you'd be vindicated long term. And my dad was right again.

On a side note, ex doesn't do much because he's not that motivated. But he has military retirement thanks to me not letting him get out and an almost paid for house that I sold to him for cheap because it was our marital home that he still owned half of and while all other idiots were refinancing and pulling loads of cash out I just kept paying the mortgage. So he wrote me a check and I gave him the house. And he recently turned $20K profit in a stock trade on a tip I gave him.

After all of the **** over the years I'm looking pretty freaking good to that family. Life is funny that way.

Hope you enjoyed the novel, and throw out whatever comments you like :)

I'm in a reflective mood right now.
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Agree on the boring part. I recall my scores were terrible. In the 400's? Of course, I went on to an assistantship to teach history at an engineering school. Makes sense :)
There are 2 levels of credentials....associate and fellow. Associate is all you really need unless you want to be a director or chief actuary and even then you don't really need the fellowship. But you do need at least Associate to sign off on filings with the states. You can certainly work without associate status but at a certain point there's a salary ceiling without it and I'm probably close.

My boss is a fellow. I haven’t finished Associate yet....I fell off the exam bandwagon some years ago and recently decided i should just finish. There are 7 exams as well as a few courses, and I have 4 exams and most of the courses (courses are easy). So I have to take the last 3. If you want fellowship there's an additional 3 exams plus more courses.

They're offered twice a year and it's recommended you log at least 400 hours of study before you take it. So it depends on how much time you have to give. I've never passed an exam I wasn't sure I was going to pass.

After you're credentialed you have to keep up annual professional development.

But that's why it's really ****ing hard and not many can/want to do it.
In the late Neolithic when I was an actuarial student on the life side, there were 10 total tests, 5 for Associate and 5 for Fellow. I passed the first one on the first try but it took two tries for the second one.

The reason was that I found the studying quite interesting but the actuaries at my firm didn't do any of that fun stuff every day. They wrote letters to the insurance commissioner telling them the calculated life/annuity statutory premium.

But what I did most of the day was programming for all the weird cases that weren't in the books, e.g., a 7-life charitable remainder annuity with different payouts depending on who died first, or an interest-sensitivity calculation for a customer's bond portfolio.

I liked that a lot better than what the actuaries did in their daily jobs, so I switched careers to become a programmer. Otherwise I'd probably have wound up roughly where you have.

It's interesting to think how things could have been different if you had made one decision differently...
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