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This is concerning.

Why, you ask?

Because if I told my wife that something of this nature was going to stop immediately, it would happen, or she wouldn't be my wife.

I wouldn't need a counselor to help 'convince' her that she is in the wrong.

That you do tells me you have larger problems than a wayward wife.
Yes amen. This is the exact point that I don't get from people esp some men.

There is no need here to have anyone say anything to his wife except him.

"Wife, you will not speak to Jim in anyway or you will leave and I will present you with divorce papers."

How hard is that?
 

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IMO, based on your wife's past history with the OM and current need for attention (and particularly her lying) that she is going to dismiss or minimize whatever the MC says. Why? because she shows signs of being obsessed/addicted to the texting and attention from men (Jim is just convenient).

She may stop for a week or go underground and hide it better - but she's not going to stop just because you ask nicely.

Your wife needs to be confronted with real consequences before she considers changing her behavior (and makes you feel safe from infidelity).

Your wife's decision is simple to understand: she must choose her marriage or the OM. Do not engage in a discussion of whether you're being reasonable. You must not accept any excuses. Show zero tolerance for sharing her time & attention with any OM.

Respond to whatever excuse or attack she uses with:

I'm sorry you feel that way, however I refuse to share my wife's time & attention with another man (particularly an x lover). In view of her past sexual history with the OM and her lies (by omission) she must agree to 100% NC. She has the right to mentor and/or form close emotional ties to other men - but not as your wife.
 

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Her weight loss has her feeling sexy. She's putting feelers out to see who agrees. She craves the attention, but not from you.

She was never interested in dating Jim before...it was only sex. She is still attracted to him (did you expect her to admit it), otherwise she wouldn't be doing the things she's doing.

She's still not interested in a relationship with Jim, but she's open to the sex.

The third wheel scenario will become two wheels at some point on that outing.
 

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Sounds like she’s planning a date the next tine she’s back there. Tell her immediately that she can be married or she can continue contact with him but she can’t do both. Not with you, anyway.
 

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Jealousy isn't attractive. It pushes women away.

Drop it.

If she said she isn't sexually attracted to him, she's not. If she is enjoying some new found attention, why is it any skin off your nose if she gets it? Attention doesn't translate to "ima leave my husband"

You know what's attractive? A confident man who can watch his wife turn heads, get attention and enjoy it because he knows he's the one who's going to be taking her home and making her eyes roll back in her head.

It ain't *has-been* Jim. lol.

YOU are the confident hot guy. Don't forget that.
 

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Jealousy isn't attractive. It pushes women away.

Drop it.

If she said she isn't sexually attracted to him, she's not. If she is enjoying some new found attention, why is it any skin off your nose if she gets it? Attention doesn't translate to "ima leave my husband"

You know what's attractive? A confident man who can watch his wife turn heads, get attention and enjoy it because he knows he's the one who's going to be taking her home and making her eyes roll back in her head.

It ain't *has-been* Jim. lol.

YOU are the confident hot guy. Don't forget that.
He's not jealous of random guys looking at his wife.

She's actively corresponding with a dude she used to ****.

And she's meeting up with him.

And you want him to do nothing?
 

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Chrono,

What is also common here and in my experience is that a woman keeps her ex'es from before her marriage and creates an elaborate story about why he is still in her life. You should really question if Jims divorce was not caused by your W.

I think it's time for you to either polygraph or divorce, her story just smells bad.

Nothing scares me like when my W tells me she has no attraction to someone, when it's obvious that they are an attractive person.
 

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I feel like she's getting attention out of this. The stupid thing is I give her plenty of attention. I get home from work before she does, and I ask her about her day when she gets home, we go do Yoga together, we go walking together, we watch TV together, (interesting fact on the Yoga - she's always wanted a man that would go and work out with her and do Yoga. I was resistant for the first few years of our marriage but I have been working out and doing Yoga with her. She told me that my doing Yoga with her "saved our marriage", so I think she must have been thinking of leaving at some point). If doing Yoga together saved our marriage, then what is there to be gained with this weird relationship with Jim??? I think nothing but trouble, so yes, I plan to make her choose between her relationship with Jim and her marriage to me.

And if she chooses to leave me, her relationship with Jim is going to go very badly for her. They may have sex again, but a relationship built on sex only lasts so long. If she was never interested in dating him in the past, then I doubt she would be now. Plus, he's going to be an emotional wreck for a while as he's going through his divorce. She's going to realize that she made a mistake choosing to leave me, and I won't be taking her back. If she chooses another man over her husband then I could never trust her again. Not to mention if she has sex with him - every time I had sex with her I would be thinking about them being together. Emotionally, I cannot handle that.
Jealousy isn't attractive. It pushes women away.

Drop it.

If she said she isn't sexually attracted to him, she's not. If she is enjoying some new found attention, why is it any skin off your nose if she gets it? Attention doesn't translate to "ima leave my husband"

You know what's attractive? A confident man who can watch his wife turn heads, get attention and enjoy it because he knows he's the one who's going to be taking her home and making her eyes roll back in her head.

It ain't *has-been* Jim. lol.

YOU are the confident hot guy. Don't forget that.
BS,...........!!
 

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Seems like a something to talk about with both her and the therapist.
Maybe she really is being innocent and since she feels like your her one nothing should bother you .... even a guy she slept with being friends! Bounderies are another discussion you should have if you have not already. If she respects you she will choose her husband over a "friend"
Seems friend always equals ex hook up or more believe me it true.
I wish you the best!
Really????? Some times RWP, you still suffer, from similar stories, but it's not the same and CT, should drop the hammer quit trying to be new new and modern sensitive man, horse crap. As a man means you have to take charge and not be that Nice Guy, it rather unbecoming to what what sensitive male has turned in to. Go nuclear CT!!!!
 

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Let me give a little more backstory - my wife had weight loss surgery about a year ago. She's lost a lot of weight and looks beautiful, but I always thought she was beautiful, even when she was heavier. And I told her so, all the time. Since she lost the weight, she seems obsessed with her looks, looking young and beautiful and she stresses out about aging. Everyone I've talked to about her says she's going through some kind of mid-life crisis and is craving attention from anywhere she can get it. And that may be what's driving her to talk to Jim - she isn't satisfied with the attention that I give her so she's getting it elsewhere. Now I'm not telling you this as a means of justifying her recent behavior - it's just a piece of the puzzle.

That being said, there are new developments. The wife woke up late last night and decided to text Jim. I have my kids every other week and weekend. On the weekends I have kids, I usually stay home with them and the wife goes out to her hometown (about an hour and 15 minutes away) to visit her brother, sister in law and their kids. Her father and step-mother also live down there. But so does Jim. She told Jim last night that when she visits her brother and sister in law on the weekends that I'm not there that he's free to be their "third wheel anytime" and go bowling with the family. I'm betting she doesn't plan on telling me if they meet. No, I am not okay with this... more on that in a minute.

I've been seeing a counselor for about a month now. We've mostly talked about the marriage and the counselor knows the full situation with Jim. I've told the counselor all I can about the marriage and what's going on - she now wants to hear the wife's side of things. The wife agreed to go to a session with me, so we are going tomorrow. The counselor says she will spend about 40 minutes talking with the wife without me and then bring me into the session for the last 20 minutes. I have asked the counselor to stress to my wife that this 'relationship' with Jim is inappropriate and disrespectful to our marriage. She will also stress that Jim needs to seek out a professional counselor and quit using the wife for therapy.

After the counseling session, one of two things (or both) is going to happen if the wife continues to 'counsel' Jim:

1. I am going to tell her that the relationship with Jim has to end and she must either choose her marriage or this thing going on with Jim, but that because of their past, she cannot have both.

2. I am going to text Jim (yes, I have his number) and tell him to back off, that his relationship with my wife is inappropriate.

If the wife chooses not to be with me anymore, or continues talking to Jim behind my back, then I'll tell her to leave. Also, I will be making her file for the divorce and pay for it. I paid for the divorce to my first wife and I shouldn't have had to since she was the one that cheated. That's not going to happen again. And when the wife comes to her senses and realizes what she's lost, no amount of apologizing, groveling or crying is going to bring me back. I can afford to live on my own, with my two kids. She can't. But, that's not my problem if we split up now is it?
Well that's being weak threat/excuse by making her pay for the divorce, , and by the way Cheating banging wives never come to their sense's and don't care what you have to offer or what you think they care to lose. And if you just like being the ATM machine and realize that the only reason she with you is what you have to offer, UNTIL her plan A comes around your only plan C
 

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This WILL get sorted out very soon. Counseling with a cold splash of water to her face tomorrow and then seeing what she does in the next week. If the relationship continues in the week after counseling, then she will be choosing between Jim and me.
OP, I don't think you should be asking her anything. You should TELL her, in front of the counsellor, that her "friendship" with Jim is over as of now, and that if she continues to communicate with him in ANY way, that you will serve her with divorce papers.

If she communicates with him after counselling, then she's made her choice.
 

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Chrono,

What is also common here and in my experience is that a woman keeps her ex'es from before her marriage and creates an elaborate story about why he is still in her life. You should really question if Jims divorce was not caused by your W.

I think it's time for you to either polygraph or divorce, her story just smells bad.

Nothing scares me like when my W tells me she has no attraction to someone, when it's obvious that they are an attractive person.
Astute.
 

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Discussion Starter #56
Jim is not an attractive guy, IMO. I'm way better looking than he is. So I just dont get why she would ever entertain the idea of ruining a great marriage to me by cheating with him. I was under the impression that most women thought these things through before acting out. This little indiscretion of hers is going to cost her a lot if she continues talking with him. And once I'm gone, I'm gone for good. She says she loves me. If that's true then she needs to think on what shes doing and decide if this horseplay is really worth it.
 

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Most Cheaters, cheat down and it's their attention they are attracted too. She's in an EA and those are feel good feelings.

Quote CT,...
This little indiscretion of hers is going to cost her a lot if she continues talking with him.
End quote:

Really,
 

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I'm not an ass , CT but man your just too sweet and nice it kinda pathetic looking into your harshness you don't. Your that forever nice guy, isn't your marriage worth you fighting for it a different way than your WS expects?

Oops, should l say aleged. It's pokes it is out most of the time nice guys finish last.
 

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Discussion Starter #59
Worth fighting for? It takes two to make a marriage work. If shes not into it anymore then I'm not going to force her to stay, or try to force her. Shes an adult. She will make her own choices. My choice is to leave if a physical affair happens. It's the one thing I will not tolerate ever again. It's the ultimate betrayal.
 

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I should have been more clear, but women respect swift deliberate action. And when you tell her to full stop it will get her attention. Your correct it does take two but when you demand it stop, and it continues then you know one way or the other. But then you'll have made a strong man's boundary.
Do not ever disclose how or where you get you information from let her keep guessing. So this way she will see you are fighting for the marriage then you can work out the new boundaries you have in place for her and how she looks and seeks attention from other men.
 
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