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My husband and I have been married for a little over three years. We went through a rough patch that started roughly six months into our marriage and lasted for about six months. We weren't meeting each other's needs, were hurting each other's feelings and were fighting a lot. During that time period I felt I wasn't a priority to him. Unfortunately my depression and anxiety, which hadn't been a problem for 5 1/2 years and which I thought I'd overcome, flared up. He didn't know how to handle me like that and emotionally unplugged and physically withdrew. We got into marriage counseling and were in it for eight months. After it ended we both felt things had gotten 10x better but looking back now I realize that things just went from terrible to okay but never to good.
In the two years since he's been emotionally, physically and sexually distant. He also continues to bring up things I did that hurt him even though it's been two years and I've apologized repeatly. He's also heavily into computer gaming, most of the time staying up to game instead of coming to bed with me.
He was unemployed during 1 1/2 years of that time. He got offered a job out-of-state which we decided he would take. He wanted me to stay behind for the two months of his probation. I didn't like the idea but I agreed to it. Two weeks before we were planning on leaving I got laid off so we were planning on going together. A week before we were supposed to leave he sat me down and said he wanted me to stay behind because he needed space and time to think since he was thinking about divorce. I told him we were a team and that I was going with him and we'd work it out. He agreed to it. The night before we were supposed to leave he again said he wanted me to stay and this time I agreed.
He called for the first three days then the communication dribbled down to just a few texts. Then he called a month after he left and said he wanted a divorce. He texted me a couple hours after that backing off the decision and saying he was undecided. But his friends showed up the next day and took all his stuff. Shortly after that I had to move in with my parents since I couldn't afford the rent being unemployed. The same day he said he wanted a divorce I pulled half the money out of our joint checking account and openned my own bank account since I was afraid he would pull all the money out. Recently he started having his paychecks deposited in a different account I have no access to.
When I've talked to him I've been reserved. Since he's left I've gotten back into a lot of things I love that I let go of, some of them because he didn't want to do them, so I've been telling him about how much I enjoy getting back to those things. I've cried a few times but I try to minimize that as much as I can.
He called me more frequently after that for a while then suddenly he said he wanted to fly me out to see him. I agreed and went. The weekend was really ackward, especially considering he hadn't made a decision yet. Plus he seemed intent on pretending like nothing was wrong.
On Tuesday he texted me asking if I'd lost my phone because I hadn't been texting him back because I didn't want to talk to him. He called but I couldn't answer because I was in an interview. I called him after the interview and we started fighting. As usual he brought up things I'd done two years go that hurt him. So I suggested we stop talking about the past for now and focus on rebuilding the relationship. I suggested we do "The Love Dare" book since we each have a copy and basically see where we are after the 40 days of the book. He agree to it. However we had agreed to go through the book together before and he'd quit part way through with the excuse that it wasn't working. So I'm afraid he's going to quit this time.
At this point, he's broken my heart twice in as many months and I know if he gives up on the book that it's going to break my heart again. I doubt I would have the strength to continue fighting for the marriage after that. Plus if he can't commit to 40 days there is no possible way this marriage can work. He's playing it safe and refusing to put himself at much risk.
I don't want a divorce but if he's not willing to commit to and fight for our marriage then I feel it would be better to divorce.
I would really appreciate any thoughts and advice.
In the two years since he's been emotionally, physically and sexually distant. He also continues to bring up things I did that hurt him even though it's been two years and I've apologized repeatly. He's also heavily into computer gaming, most of the time staying up to game instead of coming to bed with me.
He was unemployed during 1 1/2 years of that time. He got offered a job out-of-state which we decided he would take. He wanted me to stay behind for the two months of his probation. I didn't like the idea but I agreed to it. Two weeks before we were planning on leaving I got laid off so we were planning on going together. A week before we were supposed to leave he sat me down and said he wanted me to stay behind because he needed space and time to think since he was thinking about divorce. I told him we were a team and that I was going with him and we'd work it out. He agreed to it. The night before we were supposed to leave he again said he wanted me to stay and this time I agreed.
He called for the first three days then the communication dribbled down to just a few texts. Then he called a month after he left and said he wanted a divorce. He texted me a couple hours after that backing off the decision and saying he was undecided. But his friends showed up the next day and took all his stuff. Shortly after that I had to move in with my parents since I couldn't afford the rent being unemployed. The same day he said he wanted a divorce I pulled half the money out of our joint checking account and openned my own bank account since I was afraid he would pull all the money out. Recently he started having his paychecks deposited in a different account I have no access to.
When I've talked to him I've been reserved. Since he's left I've gotten back into a lot of things I love that I let go of, some of them because he didn't want to do them, so I've been telling him about how much I enjoy getting back to those things. I've cried a few times but I try to minimize that as much as I can.
He called me more frequently after that for a while then suddenly he said he wanted to fly me out to see him. I agreed and went. The weekend was really ackward, especially considering he hadn't made a decision yet. Plus he seemed intent on pretending like nothing was wrong.
On Tuesday he texted me asking if I'd lost my phone because I hadn't been texting him back because I didn't want to talk to him. He called but I couldn't answer because I was in an interview. I called him after the interview and we started fighting. As usual he brought up things I'd done two years go that hurt him. So I suggested we stop talking about the past for now and focus on rebuilding the relationship. I suggested we do "The Love Dare" book since we each have a copy and basically see where we are after the 40 days of the book. He agree to it. However we had agreed to go through the book together before and he'd quit part way through with the excuse that it wasn't working. So I'm afraid he's going to quit this time.
At this point, he's broken my heart twice in as many months and I know if he gives up on the book that it's going to break my heart again. I doubt I would have the strength to continue fighting for the marriage after that. Plus if he can't commit to 40 days there is no possible way this marriage can work. He's playing it safe and refusing to put himself at much risk.
I don't want a divorce but if he's not willing to commit to and fight for our marriage then I feel it would be better to divorce.
I would really appreciate any thoughts and advice.
