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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,
I'm here to seek some impartial advice. I'm married 25 years and the one relatively constant source of angst in my marriage over the last ~15 years is that we have mismatched libidos. We've been to counselling on that topic, but it was a very uncomfortable topic. My wife has the lower libido. She didn't always, but her interest in sex disappeared for about 18 months after the birth of our first child and everything has been different in the years since. She suffered from post natal depression back then but we all worked our way through it and everything slowly got back to what has become our new normal, I guess. Things improved for a little while, after I had a vasectomy, something that came up as an idea during counselling.

I revealed some personal issues during counselling, that I regret now, because my wife jokes about them with her friends. I felt very humbled recently while on a date with my wife to find her and her best friend teasing me about the size of my manhood. We were in our local bar on a busy night, surrounded by regular pals, and I was mortified. I feel so lonely right now. I've been online and identified some pills that I could buy that say they help make you bigger down there, but I dread the thought that if she ever told anyone that I'd bought these pills, I just don't know what I would do.

Anyway, to try to cut a long story short, my wife has a large circle of friends to which she dedicates increasing amounts of her time on Facebook. She appears to share an intimacy with hundreds of FB friends that she doesn't share with me. She is very good looking but very vain and she likes to feign intimacy with others on FB (lots of love hearts and kisses in her responses to people she hardly knows and stuff like that), and she loves to boast. I find some of it to be a little embarrassing and I've found myself backing away from trying to negotiate with her about her behaviour because I started to feel like She was treating me like her father rather than her husband. While her FB flirting has brought her to dizzy new heights of awareness in our community, I've found that my circle of friends has just gotten smaller and smaller. I feel very isolated and alone, and I dare not talk to anyone.

Does anyone have any advice? I think I'm going to buy the pills and just not tell her because I fear it could be just another excuse, like the vasectomy thing, and things might improve for a while and then drop back to where we are now again. Just for clarity, we enjoy sex maybe 4 to 6 times per year and it always feels like she's doing it for my benefit. I've never been with anyone else, so maybe I'm just not any good at it. Success for me would be feeling intimate with my wife again, regardless of whether or not we have sex. It's the loneliness that hurts most.

Thanks,

Irish
 

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4-6 times per year. That is a sexless marriage.
It's not ok for her to treat you that way.

It's also terrible selfish rude and plain mean that she would talk about personal matters with friends. Particularly your penis size. She should be building you up not tearing you down.

I think you need to make a stand, she needs shaking up here, and she needs to know that her behaviour is harming your marriage and putting it at risk.

You deserve a loving caring wife and a decent sex life.

You vowed to be faithful to each other, but without sexual and emotional intimacy you are just room mates.

I think you need to put some serious thought into what you want your relationship to be like, what your boundaries are and then implement them and start doing the 180 on her.

Please do not stay in this marraige as it is and suffer.
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..Upon hearing your case, I could foresee that divorce is not an altogether disagreeable option, especially if her cooperation are not forthcoming..
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for the feedback. I'd really like to find a solution that works for both of us. I'm not really bargaining from a position of power. If I withhold sex when she wants it, I'd only end up hurting myself. Also, she doesn't work and I work my ass off. In a divorce situation, I'd just end up being a slave. I imagine she'd get the house, my kids and I'd get to contribute to maintaining her lifestyle. She'd have everything but with me out of the picture and despite the fact that I love her, I fear that would probably e very agreeable to her. Just a follow up question to the comments above, If having sex 4-6 times a year is considered a sexless marriage, what is the minimum number of times per year that I should be aiming for? And should I go get the pills or will that backfire on me? I know I'm small. Think 'David', the statue and you'll get the picture. I've lost all confidence since that incident a few weeks ago.
 

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First of there are no pills that make you bigger down there,so if you want to give some money to some scam artist that is up to you.

Your walk is walking all over you because she knows you will not do anything and speak out against her,people who love one another don't put their partners down in front of others so do you really think your wife loves you and respects you ? I would say no so MAN UP and tell her things will change or you are done.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Ok guys, thanks for your comments. I didn't think drawing more attention to what my wife said was the best thing to do. At the time, I laughed it off, because I figured any protest would have resulted in a worse situation for me.
When we went to therapy a few years back, one thing that stuck in my head was that women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved. I'm not sure what I might have done to provoke the comment, but I laughed it off in front of everyone, and didn't know what to say when we got back home alone. I'm not ready for that conversation. Your comments are all welcome, but I'm still not quite sure what my next steps are. I get that it's a good idea to establish boundaries, I'm just not sure how to do that. As I'm the one that's working, the only thing I control is cash, but I've always made sure she has access to enough cash and never has to ask for more. I thought about pulling back a little to out her in a position where she had to ask me for cash, but thought better of it. While it might have helped to make a point, it would equate cash to sex and that's not a good thing. How have you guys set boundaries? And how do you start a conversation like that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Incidentally, that night when she made the comment, it came across like it was an inside joke between her and her girlfriends, but it wasn't very discrete. I know she's often keen when we go out, that we end up at our local bar to meet our friends, and particularly her girlfriends. I was thinking that the next time we're out, I'll refuse to go to wherever her friends might be because I don't like how it makes me feel, when I'm the butt of the joke when we meet them. She would probably see that as an over reaction because that comment only happened once, but it would give me the chance to let her know that I'm very unhappy about what happened.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
By the way, does anyone know which pills might help increase penis size, strength, etc. I saw an ad for a product called 'Naturally Huge', and one called 'Longinexx', but was wondering if the ED drugs had any similar effect?
 

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SHOCKING

I would divorce over this. Ask her how she would like it if you told all your mates that she stinks down there or that she can't suck c-ck for sh-t, or that she's a dead fish in bed? Tell her to grow the fk up or you'll walk. And MEAN it.

Don't take that sh-t mate.

And FFS enough about the pee pee size, unless you're well below average which is very rare amongst men you have nothing to worry about. Don't let one woman rob you of your own love for your own body.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks RandomDude. I understand the rage. It had occurred to me to counter by telling her that she had a bucket and I'd be better off trying to get off on punching smoke, but that would have been cruel, and born entirely out of anger and I'd just end up looking like a c#^t. I don't intend to let it go, but I do want to provide a more thoughtful and controlled response. I want to convey the message that it's not good enough, and I won't accept it ever happening again. I don't know what I did to deserve that, but assume she's not just throwing 25 years away just to make her girlfriends laugh. Thanks for your comment and your interest. It's helpful to get another perspective. I'm kind of glad you all think I'm under reacting rather than over reacting.
 

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'Naturally Huge', and one called 'Longinexx-You can't be serious,you need to learn to work with what you got.

The ED meds will make you get hard and maybe last longer,once again there is nothing that makes you bigger.
 

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Oh you're under-reacting alright lol

Your wife is lucky to have a patient and calm man such as yourself (cause I sure as hell would go for revenge!) but it looks like she's taking your good nature for granted. It's time to put the foot down, if she wants to keep enjoying the priviledges of you as her husband she needs to grow the fk up.

Otherwise forget it, you can do so much better. Your wife's behaviour is inexcusable I'm sorry.
 

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Unbelievable. She broke a very sacred trust. Counseling is supposed to be a safe place where you can both talk about uncomfortable issues safely, without worrying about the rest of the town knowing. For her to turn around and humiliate you like that is abhorrent. And by the way, I highly doubt that your penis size is really that different from the average man. She's just using one of the most sensitive topics (your manhood) to purposefully humiliate you.

You need intensive individual counseling to address your low self esteem and figure out why you think you deserve to be stuck in a sexless marriage with a narcissistic woman.

As far as how to set boundaries, forget trying to "control" her with money. It won't accomplish anything. Start with you basic emotional needs within a marriage: you need to be able to trust her to keep confidential marriage matters private. Tell her it is absolutely NOT acceptable for her to speak to her friends about such matters as your penis size, etc. Set a consequence if she does it again, i.e. she will be asked to move out if the house for 2 weeks. It's her problem to figure out where.

Don't even try to start a conversation about boundaries with her, though, until you get some therapy. A therapist can help guide you with how to do it the right way so it doesn't backfire on you.
 

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I revealed some personal issues during counselling, that I regret now, because my wife jokes about them with her friends. I felt very humbled recently while on a date with my wife to find her and her best friend teasing me about the size of my manhood. We were in our local bar on a busy night, surrounded by regular pals, and I was mortified. I feel so lonely right now. I've been online and identified some pills that I could buy that say they help make you bigger down there, but I dread the thought that if she ever told anyone that I'd bought these pills, I just don't know what I would do.
What a b***h! I'm not very happy with the amount of sex my H and I have but I can tell you that if I ever humiliated him like that in front of a group of people.....well it might be deal breaker simply because the confidentiality of counselling was breached. Perhaps you need a partner who shows you a little bit more respect is more sensitive towards your feelings. Tell me, what would she do or how do you think she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? I bet she'd be out the door!
 

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That's messed up. Lack of respect. Next time your at the pub pull one of her girlfriends over and ask her to speak to your wife about the terrible smell your wife has going on downstairs. She how well that goes over with her.
 
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