Feeling Pressured to Conform

Actually, after reading your original thread and this one, it doesn't seem to me that your husband is co-dependent. Because more often than not he would be kissing your butt at home too to make everything nice and peaceful. Kind of what you are trying to do. If he is disrespecting you inside of the home but wants it to be all nice-nice out in public that tells me he is more concerned about the image of your marriage and not the marriage itself.

So if you are going along with it for the sake of keeping the peace then yes, you are already conforming.

Who are you afraid of disappointing? Family -- friends? Are you afraid that a failed marriage is going to disappoint them? Please don't. If anything they would be more disappointed if they knew you were staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage for longer than you had to. They will respect your decision to leave and move on with your life.

I know the dissolution of a marriage/relationship can be embarressing but it's less embarressing than others knowing you stayed in it longer than you should have.

For right now, have you thought about doing a trial separation? This does not mean you are headed for divorce but some time away from each other, while continuing to go to MC, can give you both the perspective you need to really understand the state of your marriage. But if you absolutely feel this marriage cannot be saved no matter what you do and if you know for sure those "in love" feelings for your husband are gone then it's time to move on.

Go with your gut.

IrishGirlVA said:

Actually, after reading your original thread and this one, it doesn't seem to me that your husband is co-dependent. Because more often than not he would be kissing your butt at home too to make everything nice and peaceful. Kind of what you are trying to do. If he is disrespecting you inside of the home but wants it to be all nice-nice out in public that tells me he is more concerned about the image of your marriage and not the marriage itself.

So if you are going along with it for the sake of keeping the peace then yes, you are already conforming.

Who are you afraid of disappointing? Family -- friends? Are you afraid that a failed marriage is going to disappoint them? Please don't. If anything they would be more disappointed if they knew you were staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage for longer than you had to. They will respect your decision to leave and move on with your life.

I know the dissolution of a marriage/relationship can be embarressing but it's less embarressing than others knowing you stayed in it longer than you should have.

For right now, have you thought about doing a trial separation? This does not mean you are headed for divorce but some time away from each other, while continuing to go to MC, can give you both the perspective you need to really understand the state of your marriage. But if you absolutely feel this marriage cannot be saved no matter what you do and if you know for sure those "in love" feelings for your husband are gone then it's time to move on.

Go with your gut.

Click to expand...

Thanks for your perspective. One point I forgot to inlude in my post pertaining to the co-dependency is that my husband is "kissing my butt" at home now. This is where I come from with the co-dependency statement. When he is trying to be sweet it just feels unnatural to me at this point. He has not initiated any affection for so many months I'm not sure how to receive it any longer. It just feels like he is turning it on in order to hang on to us.

Your point about him only worrying about the image of our marriage is spot on. I do believe he loves me but he worries about the image more.

I am terrified to disappoint both family and friends. We haven't even been married a year and the guilt I feel just thinking about our marriage not working is so overwhelming. We had so many people who supported us with our marriage. The time and the cost alone that everyone put into our wedding day just to have it fail tears me apart. I know my family and a few of my friends would support me. The ones that I have discussed our issues with do not like seeing me this unhappy. However, there are plenty of people that I have not told and it will totally shock them.

I have consisdered doing a trial separation but I really don't have anywhere to go. Even if I did I have a feeling that I wouldn't look back. So here I am knowing this and I still stay.

Like I said I feel in my gut that all of the work needed is not going to pay off. However, the thought of hurting my H, our families, and our friends consumes me and makes this very difficult. It also confuses me. Is it these feelings of hurting others that I am feeling in my gut? Is my gut telling me that it's really over? Or is it my gut telling me to hang on and find out?

Sorry if this does not make sense...it is what is going through my head. I am really hoping MC and some IC will provide some clarity. I can honestly say that if we did not have all of these external factors my decision would be much easier to make. Thanks for your continued input.

It could possibly be that your husband is really making an honest effort. The codependency traits you may be seeing is just him being dependent on you to work through these bad times together. He may feel, deep down, that you are struggling so that just makes him try harder and be more "dependent" on you. Does that make sense?

Yes, I definitely understand your feelings of letting friends and family down. For my wedding I had friends travel from all parts of the country. Got a lot of bridal shower and wedding gifts. My parents too spent a lot of money and 3 years later they were helping me pay for my divorce. Believe me, I felt guilty about it for a very long time and I am sure there was some talking about it behind my back. But at the end of the day it was my happiness that mattered and people eventually get over it and move on.

You still sound very indifferent about what you want to do. And it is very possible you could have those feelings back for your husband. Your feelings didn't disappear over night so please don't put pressure on yourself to get them back over night. It takes time to lose respect and it takes time to earn it back.

Continue going to MC and IC if you can. One day you will wake up and say, "Yes, I want to stay!" or "No, it's time to move on". If you are still struggling with making a decision then the best decision for you right now is to not make one. Take that weight off your shoulders if you can.