Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been with H for 23 years since i was 17 married for 18. he has always been the only man for me,although he hasnt always treated me nicely. ( the day we got back from honeymoon he told his friend i was no oil painting, and took no notice that this upset me a great deal).
He has always lacked confidence and social skills and hates mixing with others, therefore nowadays we have NO friends and NO social life we never go out we never have people round, we do what he wants to do., i would like to go out occasionally and have people over for meals but he would hate this i love going out to dinner and to the theatre, thats doesnet matter as he does not like to do this so we dont.
we were on the verge ofsplitting 14 years ago when i realised we wanted different things, i was willing to compromise because i loved him so much unfortunately he wasnt and then i got pregnant.
We have 2 sons aged 12 and 13 and mostly he is a good dad, he works hard and does not cheat or gamble, but drinks alot and is very negative, whatever i ask him the answer is always no, he alos has a mighty temper which explodes at what i condiser to be very small things. he does not listen to me or what i feel instead he ignores me or puts me down. His frequent temper outbursts are shicking frightening and scary, especially when directed at one of the kids. I beleive he is suffering from depression but will NOT consult his doctor.
I have stopped telling him how i feel about things or what my hopes and dreams for the future are as he mocks and ridicules me and makes me feel silly.2 years ago he went mental over a burthday present i bought him i was certain he would love, i got it wrong , he didnt like it, he screamed and shouted at me, and this was the last straw/ I decided I could not cope with his behaviour any longer and his constant drinking and temper outburst had killed my love for him, I asked him to move out for a couple of weeks to give us space but he refused even though he had somewhere he could have stayed, I would have gone with the kids but didnt have somewhere we could go to.
The upshot is 2 years on we are still living in the same house he thinks all is ok even though i tell him regularly i am desperately unhappy and am no longer in love with him, he ignores this and acts like everything is ok, but it is not. To make matters worse i have developed a crush on a co-worker ( which i would never act on), i know this is just a reflection on my unhappy marrigae but hubby is very private ,i have asked him to seek help from GP/counsellors or to seek marriage guidance but he will not hear of it , i asked him again last weekend about this and he got really angry with me. i dont know what else to do. we have not argued for a couple of days so he sayes evrything is fine but i want to run away and keep on running. does anyone have a voice of reason for me please, what on earth do i do!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,598 Posts
Clearly it seems like he needs some cold water thrown on him. It has to be shocking.

I suggest retaining an attorney, file for separation and kick him out with a restraining order. The sheriff will make him go. He'll be furious, but he will also be forced to make some decisions- either to save the marriage or not. If he does, prepare a list that will be mandatory- 90 day separation, both personal and marriage counseling, alcoholics anonymous... and stick to it. If he decides to bag the marriage, better to find out here and now rather than this misery.

A second thought is to develop some gal pals and go have some fun. As much as possible. But remain faithful! Also, take the kids out a lot for mommy/kids stuff. leave scrooge behind. Maybe he'll get a clue and jump on board.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for your reply. He works nights so gals nights outs are tricky, he is not bothered by me and the kids having funtime. as long as it does not interfere with him. When we have family days out he ends up losing his temper over something really small and spoiling the day for us so i am afraid i try to avoid family time these days, if i go out with just me and the boys it is much more relaxed!
I have started to go out to things without out him which surprised him at first, but he is still not willing to join me. I feelike a single mum , he has been happy to let me do all the child things by myself. he criticisex me for not keeping ontop of the housework but I work as many hours as he does per week and i am also studying for a degree.
He says he loves me with all his heart but his actions tell me completely different, he can be very loving (suffocating almost) and then scream at me forthe most mundane thing. My family have toldme to leave him but our sons particualrly our youngest love thier dad. I know working nights has been really hard for him and i have made huge allowances for this and tried not to be too demanding of him. But there are times when he could do more with us or for us buthe choses it stay in bed watching TV. Every evening i get home 5.30-6pm , after work , ( he normally gets up at about 3pm after a night shift) I cook dinner , we wash up and then he goes and lies on our bed till 9.30 when he has to go to work, he has no interest in patricipating in family evenings. homework ect, its a very lonely life, but he feels he needs to do that so I have always let him and now i am angry at him , why does he not want to be with us in the evening before work!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,598 Posts
Maybe he really does love you. But maybe he has personal issues that causes him to take you for granted. That's why a forced separation will make him reassess the marriage. Somewhere along the line he has to learn or drop the marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
He does have issues. his mum died suddenly 14 years ago and he was devastated , i dot beleive he has grieved properly for his dear mum and it has affected him. We are not allowed to dicscuss his mum or how he feels about her .I asked him again if he would consider getting help as i feel his depression is linked to this but he got angry and shouted at me. he has done this for 14 years , i have tried to be supportive and understanding but , how much longer can i support him if he refuses to seek help. I feel bad because I know he would benefit from getting help but he says it will be over his dead body and his behavouor is what has damaged our relationship. is it wrong to want someone who listens to me and cares about my hopes and dreams and wants to make me happy or am i just being a selfish person?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,235 Posts
It's not wrong to want what you want. But it is probably wrong to pin it all on him, or expect him to change.

All you can do in change YOU. See an attorney, figure out if that is the path you want to take. Make changes that work for YOU. Your kids are old enough that you could enjoy a hobby or something outside the house...or you make arrangements for them to be at a friends' house.

You cannot change him. Quit discussing it all with him...he knows how you feel, and what you want from him. He is not willing or able to deliver. Talking about it only depresses you further, so stop it. It's a dead end.

So change YOU.... change your life to what you think it should be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,598 Posts
He does have issues. his mum died suddenly 14 years ago and he was devastated , i dot beleive he has grieved properly for his dear mum and it has affected him. We are not allowed to dicscuss his mum or how he feels about her .I asked him again if he would consider getting help as i feel his depression is linked to this but he got angry and shouted at me. he has done this for 14 years , i have tried to be supportive and understanding but , how much longer can i support him if he refuses to seek help. I feel bad because I know he would benefit from getting help but he says it will be over his dead body and his behavouor is what has damaged our relationship. is it wrong to want someone who listens to me and cares about my hopes and dreams and wants to make me happy or am i just being a selfish person?
Sit him down and issue the ultimatum. The both of you attend counseling as a couple and individually or you want a divorce. Although I prefer the restraining order first and forcing him out and then I think the rest will be easier.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
450 Posts
Yes....he definitely needs a 'wake up call' I agree with Sunny; talking to him has not helped to this point; so further discussion is not an option. It's time for you to take action for YOU and your children. Actions speak louder than words. He hasn't taken you seriously; he doesn't think what you say/feel are important and you sticking around anyway gives him the permission he needs to blow you off. A separation/restraining order will most likely get his attention. At that point he'll HAVE to do something if he wants to preserve what he has.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top