Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 41 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for 11. We have 1 child and what I thought was a happy home but lately I’ve felt a major shift on his part and I don’t know what to do. I’m also dealing with some personal issues like losing most of my family due to boundaries I have had to put up because of some issues I have been dealing with since childhood. My parents divorced and both have completely changed for the worst. I’m dealing with a lot of loss in my life and I don’t know if it’s just me and my pain translating into my relationship but I’ve also found info that makes him seems so suspicious:
•Found out he had a one hour long phone call with another woman whom I’ve never heard of before and she’s from work.
•found out he opened a new savings account with a new bank. Never told me although he just opened it a couple weeks prior
•he works a lot and is never present when he is home (although I am grateful for all his hard work as he is the only one currently working).
•he is not affectionate with me this has been an ongoing problem
The arguing/bickering is getting extremely tiresome and if I’m feeling it, I know he is too. I love him with all of my heart but lately I don’t know if he does and it’s been very hard on me on top of all my other personal issues. Would love some advice. Thank you <3
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,777 Posts
When in doubt always follow the money. Him opening a savings without telling you is possibly a sign that he’s planning something that he’s going to need access to cash for.
How did you find out and what was his excuse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
On our P.C. usually the last person who logged in is the first profile to pop up when re-opening the window. I honestly didn’t realize as it was early morning and was getting my daughter ready for school. My usual routine is to check my e-mail, I realized it was his and one of the unread emails said “congratulations and thank you for opening a savings account with us” etc. I asked him about it and he looked a bit taken aback, guess he wasn’t expecting that to come up but he also didn’t seem to be trying to hide it because he knows I have access to his emails and he has access to mine (we share the P.C.) He said he had just opened it and was going to tell me but it slipped his mind. In his defence he has been working a lot and when we do see each other, we end up in an argument. It has been like this for the past couple of weeks give or take. We also share bank accounts so I looked... and I noticed the first transfer of funds was in fact just a couple weeks ago and only $50. He mentioned he is trying to save money and the whole “out of sight out of mind” theory was mentioned. We’ve been struggling financially as well. Right now he’s the only one working, I stay home to take care of our daughter, she is doing online learning instead of physically going into class thanks to covid and she is immune compromised so it was really no choice but to keep her home. Given the situation I have had to stay home because we have no help from any family and it’s been extremely rough. I do t blame him for wanting to save some money but he’s never opened a whole new account and not told me about. 17 years together, 11 married... should I expect him to tell me before he makes those kinds of decisions? It’s never come up before so I’m not sure how to feel about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,867 Posts
Don't throw him under the bus over the savings account yet. It's certainly a potential red flag. What you need to do is work on your relationship. Those problems are staring you in the face. If you don't solve those, the savings account is irrelevant. You and he might want to follow Dave Ramsey's teachings on money. Dave will tell you that saving money (except for an emergency fund) makes no sense when you have debt. If you and he don't focus on anything, focus on getting rid of debt, which is the number one cause of divorce in the United States.

It also seems that you need some backbone. You sound like a very sweet but passive person. You have rights and privileges in the marriage, and you deserve respect, so long as you are giving him respect.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,885 Posts
I wouldn’t dare make a hidden bank account. I don’t even have online access to our accounts now and I make ~5x what my wife does.

My father on the other hand has had them in the past and may still have them and has been married my whole life. Sometimes it has helped me a lot when I was starting out but I’m pretty sure the real reason he had them was for gambling mostly on sports.

Hard to say with your husband without more information. I have considered skimming to save more money before but I wouldn’t do it with a separate account I would just increase the skim my wife takes now for her “skimming” account.

I wouldn’t talk 1-1 with any women from work for anything longer than a few minutes privately. Back in the days when we went to offices I Mike Pence’d all my 1-1 meetings with women and moved them to public spaces.

As I got to the end of this I realized I do have a couple accounts she doesn’t have access to. PayPal/Venmo. So if I was going to skim it would be super annoying. I’d have to take cash out and then give it to a friend and have them Venmo it back to me.

Edit: Just realized she doesn’t have my Coinbase either going to fix that. The point here was even someone not trying to do anything clandestine can end up with “secret” accounts.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,411 Posts
Have you asked him about the hour long phone call? Was it from home? Where were you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Don't throw him under the bus over the savings account yet. It's certainly a potential red flag. What you need to do is work on your relationship. Those problems are staring you in the face. If you don't solve those, the savings account is irrelevant. You and he might want to follow Dave Ramsey's teachings on money. Dave will tell you that saving money (except for an emergency fund) makes no sense when you have debt. If you and he don't focus on anything, focus on getting rid of debt, which is the number one cause of divorce in the United States.

It also seems that you need some backbone. You sound like a very sweet but passive person. You have rights and privileges in the marriage, and you deserve respect, so long as you are giving him respect.
To be honest, the new savings account is the least of my worries but when put together with the hour long phone call with another woman, the snowboarding trip with co-workers (she included) to the place I have always told him I have wanted go but we have not. To her texted him asking him if she left her wallet in his car (were they alone?). Again, this could all have a perfectly good explanation but at the end of the day he has crossed boundaries that should never be crossed as a married man/person. And believe me I normally do defend myself very well, I am actually more aggressive between the two of us in terms of tone but this situation has put me in a place I have never been in before, with him. I feel so uneasy, not myself at all and so pathetically desperate. Worst part is the more I try to control it, the worse I get and the more I ask, poke and argue just digging a deeper hole.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I wouldn’t dare make a hidden bank account. I don’t even have online access to our accounts now and I make ~5x what my wife does.

My father on the other hand has had them in the past and may still have them and has been married my whole life. Sometimes it has helped me a lot when I was starting out but I’m pretty sure the real reason he had them was for gambling mostly on sports.

Hard to say with your husband without more information. I have considered skimming to save more money before but I wouldn’t do it with a separate account I would just increase the skim my wife takes now for her “skimming” account.

I wouldn’t talk 1-1 with any women from work for anything longer than a few minutes privately. Back in the days when we went to offices I Mike Pence’d all my 1-1 meetings with women and moved them to public spaces.

As I got to the end of this I realized I do have a couple accounts she doesn’t have access to. PayPal/Venmo. So if I was going to skim it would be super annoying. I’d have to take cash out and then give it to a friend and have them Venmo it back to me.

Edit: Just realized she doesn’t have my Coinbase either going to fix that. The point here was even someone not trying to do anything clandestine can end up with “secret” accounts.
Very true, you make a valid point and thank you for the bits of humor lol. Like I mentioned to SFort, the account is the least of my worries... I'm more so bothered by the hour long phone call with another woman that kick started this whole issue. Alone, just opening a new bank account 2 weeks prior, I can see him forgetting to tell me by accident. Also I can see him genuinely not thinking it was a bad idea to not consult me first as it's never been a question before and even I don't know how to take it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Have you asked him about the hour long phone call? Was it from home? Where were you?
Yes I have maybe one too many times lol. He says it was an innocent conversation as friends and that they mainly spoke about another co-worker who likes her and is his friend. Not sure how to take that either because it could be true but also weird because we are in our mid 30s. Talking to someone about someone else who likes them is a bit like middle school behavior although his friend is very shy and awkward. That was his initial response but after the millionth time asking about it, we sat down and talked and he said "Look, I know what it looks like but honestly we were just shooting the **** and it wasn't anything else." Which again still isn't OK because to me a married individual should not be talking on the phone with the opposite sex for that long, not only do I not know her intention, he is now giving her the impression that, that kind of stuff is OK when it isn't. Not to mention, there has been a bit of a disconnect between he and I for a little while now and spending time with him has been near impossible so for him to give 1 hour and 26 minutes to another woman after work, in his car, on the way home is bothersome. I was at home, taking care of our daughter. BTW, it takes 20-30 minutes for him to get home depending on traffic so that means he literally sat in his car just talking to her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Who is the woman?
Some co-worker at his job. From what conversations we do have I know that he is mostly close and spends time with one other co-worker (male) who initially invited him to go snowboarding. This is his first season experiencing snowboarding and really likes it but as far as I knew it was just him and the other male co-worker. He's gone 3X now, season is over though so no more snowboarding but I'm not even sure if this other woman has joined them every time or just this last time... I've never heard of her before this. I mean I'm not a crazy person either, I do encourage his independence and I think having a hobby is very healthy for him too. I am very well aware that I cannot control how many if any women are around him, that's ridiculous and so a group of co-workers getting together to hang out, is totally understandable but that damn phone call has singled out this one particular woman and messed me up. Sad reality is, if a man wants to cheat (or anyone for that matter) they will, doesn't matter how beautiful and perfect you are. it's this thought that keeps running through my mind that makes me feel so uneasy because it could happen to anyone and I am not exempt. I don't want it to be true, I hope it isn't and I've just temporarily lost my mind. I just wish he had more compassion for the situation and tried harder to help me understand what happened and work it out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
What you need right now is reassurance and peace of mind that your husband isn't being emotionally or physically unfaithful. If he has nothing to hide he should let you look through his text history and call history, emails and whatever else you need from him for reassurance. Don't give him a warning or time to delete anything. Make him do it there and then in front of you. Someone who isn't guilty and with nothing to hide would be ok with this. We all need reassurance at times. Also in case he has already deleted stuff hide a voice recorder under his car seat. Other members can explain this to you as I've never used one before. Your husband knows you are suspicious and could be ahead of his game now deleting stuff and being more careful. That's were a voice recorder can be useful. I hope it's nothing and he was being truthful but you will end up going crazy with thoughts unless you know the truth (((((hugs))))) an ex of mine cheated years ago and one day I will tell my story how I caught him haha. Threw him out the same day. Funny thing is he is my adult sons father and we are good friends now for our sons sake.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
What you need right now is reassurance and peace of mind that your husband isn't being emotionally or physically unfaithful. If he has nothing to hide he should let you look through his text history and call history, emails and whatever else you need from him for reassurance. Don't give him a warning or time to delete anything. Make him do it there and then in front of you. Someone who isn't guilty and with nothing to hide would be ok with this. We all need reassurance at times. Also in case he has already deleted stuff hide a voice recorder under his car seat. Other members can explain this to you as I've never used one before. Your husband knows you are suspicious and could be ahead of his game now deleting stuff and being more careful. That's were a voice recorder can be useful. I hope it's nothing and he was being truthful but you will end up going crazy with thoughts unless you know the truth (((((hugs))))) an ex of mine cheated years ago and one day I will tell my story how I caught him haha. Threw him out the same day. Funny thing is he is my adult sons father and we are good friends now for our sons sake.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk
That is exactly what I need, reassurance. How do I let him know that without coming off like a crazy person because that's essentially what he's making me feel like which makes him look even more guilty. To me that's him trying to manipulate the narrative of what's happening and flipping it, now I'm the bad guy for not trusting him in the first place. He's not even particularly good and manipulation or conversation for that matter which is another issue we have, trying to communicate with him is like talking to a wall, I get nothing back, he never knows what to say.. it's a mess, a very frustrating mess.
Interesting about the voice recorder. Let's say for arguments sake he is in fact telling me the truth, something happens and he finds the recorder... what if that pushes him over the edge and I lose him for good? He's a realist and he would just look at that situation like "well if you don't trust me this much then what's the point" and he'll feel violated. Is that a violation? I don't know, I'm at a loss again and I hate that I'm even at this point of questioning him at all. This has never been an issue before, 17 years and he's never made me feel like he would be capable of something like this until now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
The plan has to have a password.
He could easily delete any messages between them.
The log will tell you that is happening.
So he has it automatic to log in, I can view the bill but where do I find the log? I'm looking through everything and nothing shows a detailed log of calls/texts... nothing.
 
1 - 20 of 41 Posts
Top