Feeling like you come second

2087 Views 17 Replies 13 Participants Last post by 2&out, May 14, 2020

Danielle0326

Discussion Starter · May 5, 2020

Does anyone in my age group (25-30) who has kids feel like they always come last to your husband to his friends and hobbies? I think I just want to feel like I’m not alone because i don’t really have anyone to talk to about it and he makes me feel like some crazy controlling wife when all I want is to feel like he is as “in this” as I am. Our life is so busy having a 2 year old and 4 month old and I feel like he’s always finding stuff he needs to do. It makes me think “why did you even want kids in the first place?” I don’t really want to talk to friends about it because I don’t want to expose our relationship issues so I’m asking on here anonymously.

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Anastasia6

· #2 · May 5, 2020

So the things he has to do isn't with his kids or around his house or with his wife. He is using friends or hobbies to basically escape and leave you with the bulk of the work? Is that what I'm reading? Or did I project that.

I also can't be much help on making you feel better as my husband puts me first. The only things that even stands a chance is his job.

Have you talked with him about this? 2yr and 4 months is quite a load for any couple yet alone one person.

Do you work? does he? How do you find time to just be with each other like dating each other. Spend time together? Do you have anyone who watches the little ones to give you two a break? Does he ever give you alone time?

SpinyNorman

· #3 · May 5, 2020

When you say "finding stuff he needs to do", do you mean avoiding the child rearing and leaving all of it to you?

If so, there can be difft. reasons for that. Maybe he doesn't have a clue what needs to be done. I don't mean to accuse you, but some mothers consider dads to be worthless parents and push them aside wrt child rearing. If you think either of these is true, try to engage him. It's fine to ask for help w/ the not-fun stuff, but also get him involved in the fun stuff.

Openminded

· #4 · May 5, 2020

People tend to like the idea of children. The reality of children is frequently another story. They’re hard work and it’s obviously not all fun and games. He needs to grow up and do his share — and understand that comes before anything else. If he won’t, then you have some serious thinking to do.

Reactions: 2

frusdil

· #5 · May 6, 2020

I feel for you honey. Can't say I can relate as I'm very lucky that my husband puts me first. I can't imagine having to do it all alone and feel this way.

Do you mean you're left with all the household stuff and child rearing? Or that he gets to go off and have fun with his mates after work while you never get a break?

CoachP

· #6 · May 7, 2020

Bros before h*s, don't you know!

But seriously, I think you're being reasonable in wanting him to be more active in marriage and fatherhood. Two kids? C'mon, man, step up! Men--and plenty of women--in their late 20s/early 30s are still letting go of that carefree "college" mindset so, while I'm not giving him a pass, I get that responsibilities as a husband and parent may not have hit him as hard--yet--as you would like them to. But this is certainly fixable as long as you two are willing to sit down together and have a mindful chat on making household/child rearing responsibilities more equitable going forward.

I commend you for not bringing your friends into the mix--I know my STBXW's cell phone would be lit up like a darn Christmas tree with all the texting back-and-forth with her friends about her marriage--yes, even when we were on family vacations!

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Yeswecan

· #7 · May 7, 2020

Danielle0326 said:
Does anyone in my age group (25-30) who has kids feel like they always come last to your husband to his friends and hobbies? I think I just want to feel like I’m not alone because i don’t really have anyone to talk to about it and he makes me feel like some crazy controlling wife when all I want is to feel like he is as “in this” as I am. Our life is so busy having a 2 year old and 4 month old and I feel like he’s always finding stuff he needs to do. It makes me think “why did you even want kids in the first place?” I don’t really want to talk to friends about it because I don’t want to expose our relationship issues so I’m asking on here anonymously.

Yep, no way to live. Spouses come first over kids, friends and hobbies. Have you talked to our H that you feel like second fiddle?

Reactions: 1

Danielle0326

Discussion Starter · #8 · May 9, 2020

I was just going to respond here since y’all pretty much said the same thing. Okay so it’s not like it’s ALL left to me all of the time, he doesn’t leave me with every single thing to do (most days) I think he’s a lot better compared to a lot of husbands and dads, maybe my expectations are just too high. I get him wanting a social life and friends and all that but it seems like he wants that just as much if not more than a family life and I just don’t agree with that at this stage in our lives. We’ve had a long running argument about this due to him being practically non existent when our first kiddo was born and now maybe I do want to “control” that aspect of his life because it was so out of control previously (like extremely drunk almost every weekend, out until whatever time in the morning with friends) and that pretty much continued until I got pregnant with my second and I was like okay we are not going to repeat history. So I constantly got on him about not wanting him to drink and got on him about being gone till the wee hours when he goes out and now I’m the nagging “not fun” wife because I don’t want a hungover exhausted parent all the time. I KNOW having friends is FUN. I was once a social butterfly myself. But I think that part of my life is on the back burner for awhile because of the busy kiddo stage I’m in right now and I’m okay with that. And I feel like I’m suffocating him for wanting him to be the same way. (He’s voiced he’s not happy about it and that he wants to be able to do whatever he wants when he wants) Cool, then I refer back to my question, why did you want children in the first place? Am I completely out of line?

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Bobbyjo

· #9 · May 9, 2020

Danielle0326 said:
Does anyone in my age group (25-30) who has kids feel like they always come last to your husband to his friends and hobbies? I think I just want to feel like I’m not alone because i don’t really have anyone to talk to about it and he makes me feel like some crazy controlling wife when all I want is to feel like he is as “in this” as I am. Our life is so busy having a 2 year old and 4 month old and I feel like he’s always finding stuff he needs to do. It makes me think “why did you even want kids in the first place?” I don’t really want to talk to friends about it because I don’t want to expose our relationship issues so I’m asking on here anonymously.

I can understand your need for privacy. That being said...have you had conversations with him about how he feels about being a dad? Your family is young and being new parents can be difficult and challenging. There are many demands and responsibilities. Some guys don’t know what to do or how to go about parenting. How was he raised? If he was raised in a home that his mom was the primary caregiver...then he might have never seen a father’s model of fathering. So ask him. What does being a dad mean to him. What are his hopes for his relationship with his children and you as a family....go from there.

Reactions: 1

Laurentium

· #10 · May 9, 2020

Danielle0326 said:
Am I completely out of line?

No.

Danielle0326 said:
it was so out of control previously (like extremely drunk almost every weekend, out until whatever time in the morning with friends) ... So I constantly got on him about not wanting him to drink and got on him about being gone till the wee hours when he goes out and now I’m the nagging “not fun” wife

Yeah, he needs to grow up.

Constantly getting on him, unfortunately, encourages him to see himself as a rebellious child, and is probably counter productive.

Reactions: 2

Bobbyjo

· #11 · May 9, 2020

Laurentium said:
No.

Yeah, he needs to grow up.

Constantly getting on him, unfortunately, encourages him to see himself as a rebellious child, and is probably counter productive.

I guess I missed the part where you say that he’s out drinking with his buddies and drinking on the weekends. You must definitely be feeling very alone and frustrated. He needs to understand how this is affecting you and the family and what you need from him. Bachelor days are over and needs to face his responsibilities. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Reactions: 1

SpinyNorman

· #12 · May 9, 2020

Thanks for replying.

A dad who is drunk every weekend is out of line, glad that is behind you. OTOH you are wise to be wary of coming off as controlling. It's one thing to say "It's not fair if you bowl every night and leave me w/ the kids", another to say "I forbid you to ever chat w/ Harry for 20 minutes, because the children."

Does he seem to enjoy his time w/ the kids at all? If not, try to get him to see them the way you do, wonderful enjoyable little people who have lots of non-negotiable needs. He SHOULD have thought of that before he had kids, but teaching the remedial lesson is probably your best path forward.

Reactions: 2

WandaJ

· #13 · May 9, 2020

I was going to say plan girls night out and leave him with children next Saturday. Not sure that’s possible for a while

But still-plan your Saturday night, whatever it is and leave him in charge. Come back wherever you feel like it, and if he complains tell him to stop nagging and killing all your fun.
For some people this is the only we the’ll get it.

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desiresmore

· #14 · May 10, 2020

I don’t really have much to add except to say this sounds like us but in reverse. I’m the one who always feels like I come second to what she wants, her friends and her other priorities. The country song “Do I” by Luke Bryan comes to mind. I often feel lonely and neglected and very low on her list of priorities. I wish she pay half the attention to me that she does to her iPhone or hanging out with her friends. She’s txt with her friends all day and read their messages immediately, if I send her something she may never read it and usually won’t respond. So yeah, I can relate to this.

Reactions: 2

frusdil

· #15 · May 10, 2020

Yeswecan said:
Yep, no way to live. Spouses come first over kids, friends and hobbies. Have you talked to our H that you feel like second fiddle?

^^This.

Danielle0326 said:
Am I completely out of line?

No, you're not. Not at all. A married man (or woman) has no business going out drinking on the regular, until god knows when, leaving their spouse home alone to do it all. That is just not on. It's one thing to catch up with mates and do guy stuff every now and then, hell, even go away with the boys for the weekend sometimes. Not all the time though, and not at the expense of their spouse who never gets time for herself or a break from day to day life.

desiresmore said:
I don’t really have much to add except to say this sounds like us but in reverse. I’m the one who always feels like I come second to what she wants, her friends and her other priorities. The country song “Do I” by Luke Bryan comes to mind. I often feel lonely and neglected and very low on her list of priorities. I wish she pay half the attention to me that she does to her iPhone or hanging out with her friends. She’s txt with her friends all day and read their messages immediately, if I send her something she may never read it and usually won’t respond. So yeah, I can relate to this.

This is so sad, I know we're only getting one side of it, but she's taking you for granted. I have friends who are all about their kids, while their poor husband could be dead on the couch for a week and they wouldn't notice - unless one of the kids needed something. I personally think that's terrible.

Reactions: 3

TJW

· #16 · May 10, 2020

Danielle0326 said:
I refer back to my question, why did you want children in the first place?

I want to begin by saying no, I don't think you're "out of line" by expecting him to tow his weight around the house, including the children.

I have to admit, that as a young dad, I was highly resentful of having "my life on hold"..... because I didn't want children, at least not for a while....

CoachP

· #17 · May 14, 2020

desiresmore said:
I don’t really have much to add except to say this sounds like us but in reverse. I’m the one who always feels like I come second to what she wants, her friends and her other priorities. The country song “Do I” by Luke Bryan comes to mind. I often feel lonely and neglected and very low on her list of priorities. I wish she pay half the attention to me that she does to her iPhone or hanging out with her friends. She’s txt with her friends all day and read their messages immediately, if I send her something she may never read it and usually won’t respond. So yeah, I can relate to this.

Thank you for reminding me what I'll be looking in the rear view mirror at soon enough with my STBXW! If her and that darn phone are separated for more than five minutes she has a meltdown, and, yes that includes dinnertime!

2&out

· #18 · May 14, 2020

My 2 cents is this is part of the deal when people get married and have kids too young. Getting married and having kids/starting a family before age 28 is a really bad idea/mistake IMHO. The vast majority of people and especially guys are just not mature enough/ready. Who wants to "settle down" and live the life of boring married middle agers in lifestyle when still so young ? IMHO - only the people that have to because of another reason.

I think you need to try to lighten up and insist on some of your own time for fun/activities. Insisting he "mature" and live his life only for you and the kids has a good probability of smothering and killing many of his wants and dreams and maybe reconsider being married.

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