[wnagiveup]

my husband and i don't have sex often. I think this is mainly because he refuses to have almost anything to do with me afterwards, not even hold hands.

there have been times, i can't even start because i feel as though i know he will let me down. i start to cry before, during and sometimes afterwards because i know he will not respond to me later.

We just had sex, two nights ago and i was okay. we slept in the same bed, the next morning had hug off to work. when he got home, we went were talking and i decided to take it upon myself and maybe get it started again. i was kissing and hugging him, and he kept laughing stop, the kids will walk in. I thought was weird because he has never used that before. So i thought maybe later, when the kids were asleep. later came and i asked him to go to bed with me and he said no. Going on day two, and he has yet to touch me or even say he loves me since then.

This is what i was afraid of, having this feelings of rejection. What am i to do? He doesn't want to talk about it or anything else. just ignore the situation.

 

[Chris Taylor]

How is he in bed? Erectile dysfunction? Premature ejaculation?

 

[wnagiveup]

haven't had any problems there or at least he hasn't mentioned any and i haven't noticed any.

 

[Chris Taylor]

ages of you two?

 

[wnagiveup]

we're both in our mid 40's been married for 20 years and this has been going on for a while. It has bothered me that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. When I mention it to him, it's all in my head but I know it's not. He has been sleeping on the sofa for the past two nights, his choice. It is really getting bothersome. It's to the point that i have been crying off and on for the past two days, he hasn't even noticed, at least that he has mentioned. the kids know something is wrong.

 

[Chris Taylor]

What reason does he give for sleeping on the couch?

 

[wnagiveup]

he used to use, he snores too loud and did not want to wake me but we worked that out. now it's i was watching tv or playing on the laptop. Sometimes i wake him, and he will say i will be right there after this movie ends.

 

[unbelievable]

It sounds like you're not having sex very often primarily because you reject him. "I think this is mainly because he refuses to have almost anything to do with me afterwards". "there have been times, i can't even start because i feel as though i know he will let me down". How is his rejection of you more damaging than your rejection of him? If you know he has trouble sleeping with the TV on or you playing on the laptop but you insist on doing so anyway, it's your choice that he ends up on the couch. If you'd rather have your husband in bed, turn off the TV and put away the laptop.

 

[wnagiveup]

sorry, i meant he is on the computer or watching TV. I should have put that in quotes from his perspective. He falls asleep watching tv or playing on the laptop.

i am not saying i am not fault free but if we can't talk about it, what can we do to correct it. how can we correct something if one of us refuses to admit there is something wrong.

i need him to open up to me and tell me something - anything. but i don't know how.

i've been up front with, telling him i needed affection even ifs just a hug, right now i would settle for just a handshake.

its funny been married 20 yrs and i can't figure out how to get him to talk to me..how did we last this long?

 

[unbelievable]

Talking about it would be helpful but the only way to fix not having sex would be to have sex. Whoever is saying, "No" is killing the marriage. Sane people have to justify to themselves everything they do. Every time you push your guy away, you have to convince yourself that you are right to refuse him. Every time you initiate or have sex with the guy, you also have to tell yourself that it's the "right" thing to do. This is why new runners must drag themselves out to run but veteran runners seem to want to run all the time. If you've been refusing him for some time, you are his tormentor. Nobody has a decent conversation with their enemy. Up the sex and then you'll have some credibility to bring with you to a discussion. Right now, all you'd be talking to would be a resentful, distrustful husband who probably feels you're lucky that he even still comes home.

 

[wiigirl]

Talking about it would be helpful but the only way to fix not having sex would be to have sex. Whoever is saying, "No" is killing the marriage. Sane people have to justify to themselves everything they do. Every time you push your guy away, you have to convince yourself that you are right to refuse him. Every time you initiate or have sex with the guy, you also have to tell yourself that it's the "right" thing to do. This is why new runners must drag themselves out to run but veteran runners seem to want to run all the time. If you've been refusing him for some time, you are his tormentor. Nobody has a decent conversation with their enemy. Up the sex and then you'll have some credibility to bring with you to a discussion. Right now, all you'd be talking to would be a resentful, distrustful husband who probably feels you're lucky that he even still comes home.

:iagree:

 

[oldgeezer]

there have been times, i can't even start because i feel as though i know he will let me down. i start to cry before, during and sometimes afterwards because i know he will not respond to me later.

Just a thought. If my wife was to create this kind of drama from having sex, I, too, would avoid it.

Nothing else implied or meant. Just an initial reaction to the idea.

 

[oldgeezer]

We just had sex, two nights ago and i was okay. we slept in the same bed, the next morning had hug off to work. when he got home, we went were talking and i decided to take it upon myself and maybe get it started again. i was kissing and hugging him, and he kept laughing stop, the kids will walk in. I thought was weird because he has never used that before. So i thought maybe later, when the kids were asleep. later came and i asked him to go to bed with me and he said no. Going on day two, and he has yet to touch me or even say he loves me since then.

This is what i was afraid of, having this feelings of rejection. What am i to do? He doesn't want to talk about it or anything else. just ignore the situation.

As a male of the species, I read the above and instantly I think: "What am I missing?"

There's something more to this, something either you've left out, don't know, or just isn't coming across.

The physical act does not compel a man to reject the woman who gave it to him. That's just one of the truths of the universe. Women know that they can get intimacy and attention from the man by giving him the physical pleasure he wants - and it is moderately effective. It works, in other words.

So, his distance and coldness, is NOT specifically, or only, because you had sex. There may be something about that sex that angers or frustrates him, there may be something he fears from it (another baby?), or something in the lead in or aftermath that does it. Or, it may have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with sex at all.

There is, however, something going on here that isn't apparent from reading your post.

Just off the top of my head - specifically, reasons why I have, at times, acted vaguely similar:

I wanted sex, she laid there passively, staring at the ceiling. It was extremely unfulfilling. I resented that a lot.

I felt somewhat guilty because I sort of pushed her into doing something and she had indicated she'd rather not. (a specific act), so, I was a bit guilty feeling.

She initiated sex because she wanted it, and once she got her rocks off she collapsed in bed and started falling asleep. Yeah, that works both ways. It happened a lot, actually. Partly why I eventually found myself using porn to get off at times.

But none of these were "because we had sex", each is an emotional aftermath that isn't "because we had sex", it's because there's an unmet or otherwise malfunctioning emotional component left over.

And, then, sometimes it's just about being exhausted and no energy and I'm not up for the effort to make it work well.

I have no idea what the issue is, it could be as bad as him being unfaithful, it could be relatively simple. I'm just trying to get across to you that you're mistaken if you think this is happening "just because we had sex". That absolutely is not it. There's something that's missing here.

 

[Tango]

we're both in our mid 40's been married for 20 years and this has been going on for a while. It has bothered me that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. When I mention it to him, it's all in my head but I know it's not. He has been sleeping on the sofa for the past two nights, his choice. It is really getting bothersome. It's to the point that i have been crying off and on for the past two days, he hasn't even noticed, at least that he has mentioned. the kids know something is wrong.

It sounds like I just wrote this post. I too am on the verge of tears and he doesn't notice or care to but my kids know that something is going on. Have you tried asking him what the problem is?

 

[roostr]

Sounds like he needs a wake up call. It could be that he is too comfortable with this and has become complacent in showing you affection. I personally love to display affaction to my wife, unfortunately she takes it for granted and doesnt appreciate it either. Id be willing to bet if you changed things up a little bit in your routine, such as dressing a little sexy, go out shopping, out to lunch with a freind, ignore him a little, act as though you also lost interest a little but you will certainly get his attention. When he starts to question things, you can tell him why. You dont have to do anything over the top, just give him a jolt.