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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Heres my story.
My W had an affair with a MM..

The dust has started to settle again and I truely believe my W is over him and is committed to me again, however I have a very hollow feeling inside, I just feel dead, I really want my marriage to work but cant help feel that I may be staying because im too scared to leave, I just dont know.

I have spoken to no-one other than my W about it all as im not that sort of person, im currently looking for some IC.

I do love my wife but at the moment when I look at her I feel anger, pain, hurt and some other stuff I cant even describe. I cant sit or be by myself without thinking about it, I get up early every morning as I feel I cant lie next to her.

When im alone I think more clearly and want to reach out to her but when im with her I just cant.

My W has changing a lot since this , and for the better as far as I can see, before she was acting like a rebelious teenager, now shes grown up at lot. We had a great history together, travelled the world and had great fun, we where the best of friends and I think domesticity took its toll on us, more her than me, and the A made her feel alive again.

We have 2 small children who I love so much in the mix, I believe if there where not here I would have left on d-day, probably would have come back, but definietly left.

I would really like any advice and opinion on how this may go for me in the future, I know I need to get into IC.
 

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Only you can decide what the outcome of your marriage will be but please remember that no matter what happens, the two of you will be forever joined by your children. For this reason you should be mindful that if you allow the anger and bitterness to grow in your heart, they will destroy your life and that of your children's. Forgiveness is for your benefit not your wife's.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Forgiveness is for your benefit
Thats one of my favourite sayings.

I have made the decision to stay but I just want to stop feeling so empty, it so exhausting just having it run around in your head all the time.
I believe if we split it would be amicable, we are both very good like that, not angry or bitter people. I can even understand why she did it, I just hope that time (and a good counsellor) will heal this. As I mentioned I havent really spoken to anyone about this and I think I need to do more of that, but dont really have anyone I can trust like that as I feel unloading this onto a friend just changes everything in a friendship.
 

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Why feel empty, the thing is only you can see any good or bad in all of this. If you love your wife and family then take time to heal. Go to the gym, start doing more family things together. The point is if you want that happy family life you can have it from what you are saying. She chose you over him and is willing to distance herself from him.

If you can't get over this or the feeling of hurt then the marriage is doomed no matter how great your wife can become. Forgiveness doesn't come easy for her, nor should it. She broke your trust and has to regain it, however it sounds like she is really trying to do so.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I agree and thats what worries me, I just dont and wont drag it on for years and years, im very hopefull it will be OK, but the empty feeling always comes back, im also weary of trying too hard as that can put too much expectation on the situation.

On the plus side, I have lost about 12lbs in weight due to the stress and as a competitve cyclist has been great. :)
 

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When I got divorced from my first wife I lost a ton of weight 180 to 135 pounds and started to become to sick. I think it is normal.

In the end you have to decide what you want. She seems to have made a clear choice so you can have anything you want.

I am on the forums every day and if nothing else it is a good place to vent and sort feelings.

Have you thought about how much time you are willing to give this or what you need from her?

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I havent as such put a deadline on this. Im just worried that this will drag on for years, how do you know its over?.
My gut feeling is its not, I just dont know if I can ever get over my W having been with someone else and playing me for a fool really. I have lost my self-respect in a way , I should have kicked her out as soon as I found out, but that wasnt what I wanted so I paid for that by losing my self-respect, which I really want back.
I find it really hard to be around people who "know" about it all, the OM's wife pretty much spread it around our circle of friends, so everyone took sides , pretty much with them as we hadnt lived in this area them for as long, I still have my friends but havent spoken to them as I feel so ashamed, and the only reason I think that is is because I think they will wonder why I stayed with her.

I really hope to look back on this in a years time and feel a whole lot different.
Just posting this yesterday made me feel a whole lot better which shows I do need to find someone to confide in.

Thanks for replying.
 

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FOr me I had lost my trust in her, and I wanted to cheat on her back. I knew that I would hold mistakes against her and that we'd both be unhappy and I didn't want to be one of those couples who just stayed together for the baby. Because I didn't want to cheat deep down and knew it would change me as a person, and because how I viewed her would never be fix because of the life we gotten ourselves into. I didn't want to worry nor was it fair to not be able to give her a second chance. We both had a second chance due to the divorce.

draconis
 

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Hi weetbix...mmmm weetabix...love that cereal...can get it in the states now :)

Sorry to hear you are going through this. My husband had an emotional affair almost a year ago and I can relate to how you are feeling. I have to say it was horrible early on but as time goes on it has gotten a lot better. I did seek counsel on my own and it did help me sort out my thoughts.

In order to gain some sense of self-respect back, I talked to my husband about what I was feeling and what he could do to help the situation. Since he still works with the OW and broke things off literally the day before I found out on my own, he also sent the 'i wish we could be together but working on my marriage is the right thing to do'...I basically told him if that was the case then to go find his happiness...this was about a week later...at that point (after we had several serious heart to heart talks) he said he realized how much he loved me and had no desires to leave or be with her (which I was very skeptical to believe at that point) but he emailed her and recanted his previous letter, telling her he made a big mistake starting anything with her and that he could no longer continue a 'just friends' relationship out of respect for me and our marriage since he had crossed that line with her (they still work for the same company).

He also told me he would spend the rest of his life regaining my trust and showing me how much he loves me. He truly feels remorseful and just yesterday came to tears thinking about how he hurt me and how I must have felt. He now tells me every day how happy he is and how lucky he is that he is married to me.

Probably what made moving forward bearable for me (or had the most impact) was really just figuring out how we got to the point we were at. We both respect each other, don't argue or nag, always say 'I love you'...list goes on so it was devastating to me because I didn't see this horrible marriage or reason for him to stray. I needed to understand it so I had some sense of security that it wouldn't happen again. For us, it was mainly talking to each other when things bother us (we are both very private people) and it really has made our marriage closer and better than I could have imagined. Figuring out that we did have voids that we could fill somehow made it feel less out of my control. I basically for my own sanity needed to tell him that if he ever got to that point again, to respect me enough to talk to me before he did anything and we would go from there. I would do the same.

I have forgiven him. I know he is a good man but he is human and made a horrible mistake. Don't feel like a doormat for trying to work it out. You are only a doormat if you let it go on and ignore it, so look closely at YOUR needs now and make sure your wife knows what they are and you make sure they are being met.
 

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Weetbix

I feel your pain to some extent. To have your wife do something like this must be devastating. And in your own house while you were there to boot. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are the strong one here who made the tough decision to stick it out and work on the marriage. Your wife is the lucky one. Your friends should admire you for what you are willing to do for your family. Many men would not show your strength of character. I can’t tell you how much time this will take but be prepared. Not setting deadlines or benchmarks is the proper approach at this time. Emotions such as trust, love and faith don’t work on arbitrary time frames. It sounds as if your wife has made progress in her understanding of what happened and is dealing with the remorse now. Give her and yourself time and don’t be overly concerned if it takes a lot of it. I’m am coming up on one year since I found out about her EA and at times it has been difficult but we’ve had a lot of good times also. Things will get easier with time and you can distance yourselves from the events that took place. In addition to working on your marriage, be sure to spend plenty of time with the kids as a couple. Time as a family can do wonders in helping people through this. Good luck.
 

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:iagree: well put, amp.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I have up days and down days, i dont want to "try" to hard as it puts pressure on the relationship I think, but we do communicate well.
As my W and him never "broke up" in the traditional sense, rather they were caught I always suspect that they will harbour feelings for each other, she says she doesnt but is also not angry with him. I suspect if I said its ok if you want to go and see him, she would.
It has only been 4 months really since it came out fully, should she be "over" him?.
 

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I think being over him depends on her and would vary from person to person. From your original post, it sounds as though she has changed a lot, moved away from him, matured in the relationship and is now committed to you which are all indications that her mind is in the right place. She may have gotten a wake-up call when she got caught and realized what she really wanted. It's unfortunate that she broke your vows in the process. I really think you need to focus on what will make you feel better. If you understand why this happened, do you have some level of comfort that you are both addressing those issues so you don't fear it will happen again?
 

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There is no telling how long this will take. My wife admittedly still has strong feelings for him and the no contact has been in place for 5 months now. For her to fully reconnect with you she will need to let go of her feelings for him. You will need to, as I do, patiently wait for her to unfog. I believe you are right in not applying pressure about the marriage. That’s a mistake I see from spouses on a regular basis. Slowly rebuild your trust in her. Continue to communicate, laugh and spend time with the kids as a couple. If things don’t improve at some point seek counsel for both of you. There could certainly be some deeper issues here for you both. Keep your faith, love and patience and you have a good chance to recover. I hope your wife appreciates all of your efforts and comes to see what a strong man she is married to. Best of luck.
 

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New here and here is my story. I too feel very empty and hollow inside. I have depression, anxiety and bi-polar so they say. I have been taking Wellbutrin (bupropion) for several months now and have never felt worse from the side effects of any other meds I have taken This one has made fell suicidal and the thought of my W having affairs on 2 occasions in the past has been haunting me to the point of not being able to accept those feelings and to the point of suicide. I did not see her or caught her having those affairs but have good reason to believe she has. Confronted her many times both in anger and in calm but will not admit it to me. Soon after one incident she suddenly told me she was pregnant and wanted a abortion just like that. Insisted to have the abortion and claimed she did not want another baby so soon..I did not and will not ever believe that!! The M I caught at my appt when I left work early unexpectantly ad he was in my house!! What was he doing there without me being there???. Made all kinds of excuses!!! Back in the late 70's abortions were not very everyday type things. It was a boy too!!!. But rather that find out it was not mine, I let her do it. I feel ashamed I let her do that now and regret it. Another time a so called friend from work started acting suspicious and was also on drugs screwing any woman he could lay his hands on. I feel he had my W too. I cannot live too much longer like this. The ugly thoughts just keep running thru my head all day long for a long period of time now and donot feel I can live any longer like this. They say to me I have to live for my children and grand children too. One hotline nurse told me everybody makes mistakes...and I have to live with it. That is a hard thing to do for me. I am at the end of my own rope...can someone help me out here because I feel I just might make a mistake over my feelings.:confused:
Help me
Manny
 

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hi, im new to this, needing some comfort myself. ppl can fire as much advise as they like but we only have ourselves to nurture . my husband had a one night stand several weeks ago. i have two children and dont know where to turn. A bit like you. but either way, life is still for living - dont take that away from your children or from yourself.as for the medication - i only take what i need to take. and if the effects of your medication far out reach the benefits then go back to your doctor to review them.
your feeling empty because life has once again thrown a spanner in the works. i have looked at a few of these threads and they are good to read. makes you feel that you are normal, even when empty. one thing i do say is trust your instincts, they usually are right. but like a few threads suggest its what you want to do in the end. it is very difficult. but in my relationship for now, my husband wants us back together - but its me that needs some time. im out with friends and smiling again. im not sure if i love my husband n e more. but you can rebuild that to. it just takes time. justean
 

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Justean...I know you mean well in your sharing the situation you r in right now and that it is better to live and not hurt my family over my feelings but when you say you might not even love your H that is exactly my problem. I am afraid that my W might not love me anymore and I feel I cannot go on without her. How easy you make it sound . I cannot understand how a woman can just turn off the love and time , love, family, the meaning of being married etc. so easy. I always hear women say that and men on the other and go down the drain when there is a breakup!. Why do men fall apart and women just move on???. Please make me understand or let me in on a womans secret to life please. Would a woman feel the same if the W had an affair ???. I mean would you say oh well I don't love him anymore so I go out and have more fun without him???.
Come on tell me the secrete I have been missing all my life with women.:scratchhead:
Manny
 

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I cannot understand how a woman can just turn off the love and time , love, family, the meaning of being married etc. so easy. I always hear women say that and men on the other and go down the drain when there is a breakup!. Why do men fall apart and women just move on???. Please make me understand or let me in on a womans secret to life please.
Hi Manny,

I don't think this is a man vs. woman thing. I'm a woman and am a 'go down the drain' type myself and find it very difficult to move on.

I believe in most cases, people want to feel safe and loved within their marriage. By safe I mean working toward the same goals financially, etc. but also that they have the support of their spouse and a safe place to fall when they are down.

If you are in a marriage where you feel this is very one-sided, you tend to become more distant and feel lonely. Resentment builds over time. I think most people that seem to 'just move on' have probably been harboring resentment for quite some time.

I don't know that there is any real secret to discover about women, but feeling emotionally connected to my husband, feeling loved and safe is the key for me to want to be there.
 
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