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Hey guys , I’m Layla ! I have been confused on how love should be for a long time . I know my parents been married and still together for 40 years yet I can’t get a healthy relationship last past a year smh 🤦🏽‍♀️ I know that love is not suppose to hurt but it does sometimes and that’s life , but why it’s so hard to find ? When I do get in relationships I feel happy at first , confident in the person but then they start cheating and lying and I become upset and confused . However I’m in a relationship with someone I knew all they life and didn’t think they would hurt me , they already cheated and continue to be dishonest and I feel nothing I do surprises her .we only been together for 4 months , however I love fast and hard . Everything I want to do for her she had done already and so I feel defeated , I want to feel special to her by doing different but how can you have new experiences with someone who has done it all already ? She says she loves me and wants to marry me but she doesn’t treat me like it . I also feel like she still secretly loves her ex and that’s why her effort is barely minimal with me . What can I do ? Will I ever find real love ? Someone who treats me like they want me ? Please help I need advice !
 

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Hey guys , I’m Layla ! I have been confused on how love should be for a long time . I know my parents been married and still together for 40 years yet I can’t get a healthy relationship last past a year smh 🤦🏽‍♀️ I know that love is not suppose to hurt but it does sometimes and that’s life , but why it’s so hard to find ? When I do get in relationships I feel happy at first , confident in the person but then they start cheating and lying and I become upset and confused . However I’m in a relationship with someone I knew all they life and didn’t think they would hurt me , they already cheated and continue to be dishonest and I feel nothing I do surprises her .we only been together for 4 months , however I love fast and hard . Everything I want to do for her she had done already and so I feel defeated , I want to feel special to her by doing different but how can you have new experiences with someone who has done it all already ? She says she loves me and wants to marry me but she doesn’t treat me like it . I also feel like she still secretly loves her ex and that’s why her effort is barely minimal with me . What can I do ? Will I ever find real love ? Someone who treats me like they want me ? Please help I need advice !
If you keep getting into relationships like this then the issue is with you and your picker. It sounds like you could really benefit from some therapy because you are very insecure. That can be suffocating in a relationship, but it still isn't a reason for them to cheat.

You don't need to be someone's first. The experience with you is new. There are things that I have only done with my wife, but there are a lot of things she wasn't my first or only for and that doesnt make them any less special.

I'd suggest leaving this relationship. You have only been with her for 4 months and she's already cheating? First off, someone who loves you and wants to marry you wouldn't be cheating. Second, 4 months is WAY too early to know you want to marry someone. She's telling you what you want to hear... She's showing you what she really feels.

It's time to leave, and go work on yourself before dating again. You won't be able to have a healthy relationship until you're healthy yourself.
 

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Hey guys , I’m Layla ! I have been confused on how love should be for a long time . I know my parents been married and still together for 40 years yet I can’t get a healthy relationship last past a year smh 🤦🏽‍♀️ I know that love is not suppose to hurt but it does sometimes and that’s life , but why it’s so hard to find ? When I do get in relationships I feel happy at first , confident in the person but then they start cheating and lying and I become upset and confused . However I’m in a relationship with someone I knew all they life and didn’t think they would hurt me , they already cheated and continue to be dishonest and I feel nothing I do surprises her .we only been together for 4 months , however I love fast and hard . Everything I want to do for her she had done already and so I feel defeated , I want to feel special to her by doing different but how can you have new experiences with someone who has done it all already ? She says she loves me and wants to marry me but she doesn’t treat me like it . I also feel like she still secretly loves her ex and that’s why her effort is barely minimal with me . What can I do ? Will I ever find real love ? Someone who treats me like they want me ? Please help I need advice !
Layla, if you continually get cheated on by people you pick to be in a relationship with maybe your picker is broken. The truth is a big majority of your success in relationships is who you pick. Lots of people don't really understand this, they think they can love someone into good behavior, but that assumes that people cheat or are awful because of how they are treated. This is just not true for the vast majority of them, but understandable given how the world seems to think. Most people cheat or are awful because of a lack of character, very often cheating is in their nature and a part of who they are. Those are best to be avoided. But finding someone isn't always easy.

A big part of how making your picker work effectively for you is being able to pick from a position of strength, not unlike investing or even gambling. The more comfortable you are with being alone, the more you can be particular about whom you might be interested in. The more discerning you an be. You will be strong enough not to compromise on deal breakers and bad behavior. Also when you experience them breaking up won't be so hard, because being alone won't be so hard. You won't give in an compromise on things that are a precursor to larger issues. You need to work to get there. Make a list of deal breakers and try to operate from that, but you got to get to the point where you believe that is what you deserve and most importantly that you are OK with being alone.

One way to do that is with friends, family and hobbies. Priorities for yourself, like career, physical and financial goals. Get involved with yourself. Often times it's in those moments you meet other serious people who are on the same life timetable you are. Just the fact that they are thinking forward about their life makes them serious and better choices. It's also works to make you secure and gives you successes that have nothing to do with your love life. Besides all that it will help when you finally do meet THE RIGHT person. Even if you marry your perfect match, this isn't going to solve all your problems are bring you eternal happiness. These other things make you a well rounded person and contribute to your happiness. That translates to lots of security in your life and marriage, it also give you the ability to act in your marriage from a position of strength in the same way. Sometimes you have to hold your spouse accountable because we are all human. I am not talking about something as serious as cheating, but maybe how they talk to you or whatever it is. If you feel confident in your life and even in your ability to be OK if it doesn't work out you will be able to say, "cut it out" and not worry so much about your future. A lot of times in relationships heading off stuff early really helps keep you on track. Being a well rounded person gives you the strength to be assertive in all area's of your life.

Finally how do you decide what the deal breakers are, well on thing just by being a bad ass about these character type things will filter a lot of the wrong people away from you. It will make the prospect of having a relationship with you too hard and they will avoid it. A bank robber doesn't hit the back that has the best security, they go for the ones that are lightly protected. Yes it works the same way. I suggest you read a lot of about infidelty and read posts on here and other sites from posts by people who were cheated on. There is a very definite patter that once you understand can really help you see the signs. Human nature is really like that, but it takes some time to get it locked in. Once you do, there are red flags that will help you. Then you have to have enough strength to move on as soon as you see them.

Stick around and participate, you will see.
 

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You fall hard and fast and that's part of the problem. I was like that too when I was younger. When you fall hard and fast I think what that means is that you're in love with love and you're just sort of assuming that the person you're with is that ideal person in your head, so you just go ahead and fall in love with them but you don't really know them. Now that one you knew all your life is a different thing and probably it's just that they aren't right for you.

You've got to withhold your heart and give it time to get to know someone. I don't know what the best way is for you to do that, but since there's been no mutual commitment, I think one way to go is for you to not look upon it as something you are committed to and leave yourself open to dating other people just like they are and try to keep getting to know some of them long enough that you start to find out what kind of person they really are. You know it just takes time to see what a person is like and what their ethics are.

Also you need to look at a person's ethics that don't even apply to the relationship directly. Because a person with good general ethics maybe ethical about their relationships as well whereas a person with bad ethics in other ways isn't likely to be very ethical about relationships.

So look at simple things such as do they keep their word and do they show up on time and do they do what they say they're going to do. If not call these people out as romantic interests right away and don't waste time on them.

Look at how they are with their employer or school or whatever they do. Are they applying themselves and doing their best or are they looking for every opportunity to slack off or call in late or cheat? A person who honestly tries to do their best at things is just more ethical than a person who doesn't.

Look at how they treat their friends and whether they have good solid relationships that last a long time with friends.

Look at how they treat their pets or their children.

Just look at their ethics and not just how you feel about them and not just how you think they treat you. Get them out of your circle as soon as you disqualify one.
 
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