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Hey guys...

I've been married for almost 9 years. I have three kids, and my world was just rocked to the core and I really don't know what to do anymore. I'd like to just lay it all out so you can best provide accurate and concentrated advice. Thanks in advanced!

We aren't perfect by any means, we met when I was 17, she was 15. We have been together for 12 years and I was an immature boy when we met. I've grown into a slightly less man-child (kidding) over the years, and have developed a deep love for this woman. She's always required slightly more attention than I could offer. I tend to err on the side of working a lot, but I always tried to be there for her when I am there, even to the point of setting reminders on my phone to encourage her and remind her how much I appreciate how well she held the house together. And I'm not a workaholic by any stretch, it's always been standard 9-5, but even that seemed to be too much time away from her. In 2012, I was attempting to get into this corporate position within my organization, and was working long hours for a few months. She turned to another man and ended up having an emotional affair. It broke me and I tried everything I could to fix it, to the point of eventually quitting my job because I couldn't handle the emotional stress of the affair.

My brother ended up finding out about it, and doing what I refused to do and messaged this guy and threatened his life. The guy ended up backing off, not because she chose me, but because he didn't want to talk to her anymore. She cried for a week every night before profusely apologizing for ever getting involved in the first place. There have been relationship or two between then and now that I didn't like. She got drunk with some guy and ended up doing some oral things. There was a friend 3 years ago who she talked to non stop, nothing super inappropriate, I just didn't like the volume. Leading up to today, she started talking to an old friend of ours via snapchat, my first red flag. It has been non stop for 2 1/2 years. I logged into her snapchat in April of 2019 to verify whether she was only talking to him a few times a day like she claimed, I downloaded her history, and it ended up being 3000 messages exchanged over the 10 day period that I pulled. I sat on that info for a few days so I didn't blow a gasket. That didn't work well. We were driving at the end April and I flipped out and threw the printed transcript out to her. and that day was the day she shut me out completely.

She started leaving for days on end, I found her at another mans house, (not the snapchat guy), apparently drunk and slept in his bed while he "slept on the couch out of respect", I don't believe it. and then around September she stopped coming around altogether. She rarely sees the kids at all, and checks on the via text every once in awhile... so that hurts me, and it hurts my kids.

I've went to the courthouse to file several times, and couldn't bring myself to file. So I left. I found out a few weeks ago, after logging into her Facebook on a whim, (she didn't change her password through all of this), and found that this "friend" that she has been talking to for 2 years is now her boyfriend, theyre sleeping together, and he wants to have a baby with her... I'm shocked, I'm hurt, and Im broken..

Fast forward to this afternoon, she texted me and said that the day I file will be the worst day of her life, she'd block him, she'd do whatever to fix it, she wants me to reconcile.. If this was the summer, it would be all I ever wanted, but now I don't know if I can ever trust her again, especially given her history with me. I feel like I should have kicked her out a long long time ago. So I'm here... Asking for advice... If you were in this situation. would you stay? Would you suck it up for the kids? Would you move on? Would you pack what little dignity you have left and get out? I need help, I don't know where to go. I feel like I only even entertain the idea of staying with her because I feel sorry for her, I feel compassion for her final brokenness, but I feel like I would be miserable.. What would you do in this situation?

Am I perfect? No. Did I screw up and neglect her for periods of time? Yes. Did I correct it when she brought it to my attention? Yes. I just don't know. I'm hurt. I'm lost. and all she has to say is that I want to end it because I "found a new woman". Don't get me wrong, there's a girl I would totally pursue if I wasn't still married, but I wouldn't end the marriage for her. I think I am pretty confident in the fact that my reasoning behind leaving is the string of men that have always been put above me. And I feel like I should have left in 2012 instead of putting up with it for the last 7 years...

Please help..
 

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OP, are you happy with how your marriage, your life in general, feels right now?

Because this is who your wife is. She's a serial cheater who doesn't have enough integrity to stop lying, cheating, manipulating and using you. And all the other men in her life.

If you want your life to be different - if you want to not deal with this level of disrespect, dysfunction and drama for the rest of your life - then you are going to have to be the one to do something about it. By filing for that much-needed divorce you seem so terrified of.

If you aren't willing to divorce your wife over her serial adultery, then your life will remain just as it is now. You will feel like this forever. Or at least until she finally gets up the gumption to permanently leave you for one of these other men. And your children will learn that this train-wreck is what is normal for a marriage.

OP you might look into speaking with an IC about your astounding lack of boundaries and seeming lack of self-respect. There's a reason you've put up with this drama-fest for so long. Until you figure out whatever is causing you to stick to this dynamic like super-glue, and how to stop, your life won't get better and any future relationships will be just as dysfunctional as this one.
 

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Lot's of men work too much but their spouses didn't chose to cheat. There are many ways to cope with life's problems/issues (e.g., depression, addiction, bored or feeling unappreciated) - but she chose to repeatedly cheat. Her decision to cheat is 100% on her.

Judge her by her behavior not her words (she's a serial cheater). Feeling sorry if you divorce her is not the same thing as feeling sorry that she hurt you.

It's time to protect your kids and provide them with the proper role model (zero tolerance for infidelity).

Under the circumstances (her repeated inappropriate & disrespectful behavior), I suggest you file for divorce immediately. In the interim, (while the divorce is pending) she may prove to you that she deserves the gift of R. You can always delay the divorce proceedings.

There is nothing you can do to fix her. She destroyed her marriage and only she can fix herself.
 

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You feel like you should have left in 2012? Think about how you’re going to feel in another 7 or 8 years when you look back on now — assuming you stay. Serial cheaters usually don’t change.

File and move on.
 

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Divorce.

Shame on your wife for doing this, she is a serial cheater and liar. She won't change. She's not a mother nor a wife's bootlace.

You knew you couldn't trust her 8 years ago. Do you want to waste another 8 years of your life?

File for divorce and full custody.
 

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Divorce.

Shame on your wife for doing this, she is a serial cheater and liar. She won't change. She's not a mother nor a wife's bootlace.

You knew you couldn't trust her 8 years ago. Do you want to waste another 8 years of your life?

File for divorce and full custody.
Agree.

Also, get copies of as much as you can from facebook, and whatever other sites of hers you have access to now. Discuss with your attorney before you mention any documents you have: there may be some computer hacking laws at issue here, but if she knows you have access to the accounts already, and never changed her password, I think you'd have an argument your access was consensual.

Document EVERYTHING. Make timelines of events, and gather any substantiating evidence (texts, emails, letters, photos) you can to back up your side of the story.
 

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My brother ended up finding out about it, and doing what I refused to do and messaged this guy and threatened his life. The guy ended up backing off, not because she chose me, but because he didn't want to talk to her anymore.
As I just said in another thread and which you are 100% correct about - the fact that your brother had to scare off one of her prior boyfriends in order for her to "come back to you" means NOTHING. You're right, she didn't "choose" you. You were simply the default option once her boyfriend dumped her, so it wasn't some kind of successful 'reconciliation' at all. At least you're wise enough to SEE that and don't try to delude yourself into thinking it was anything else but that.

You should have left this succubus years ago.
 
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