Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 3 of 3 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I haven't been on this forum in over 2 years, but I returned today out of desperation. H and I are very much in love but due to a series of very stressful outside factors (court battle(s) with H's ex, differences of opinion in child rearing, and dealing with parental alienation issues with my bonus kids who thanks to their mom, now hate me), we can't even go a week without fighting. I used to be the one who had anger issues and I sought professional counseling and I have learned to control my temper, not yell, not say hurtful things, lash out etc. The problem is now that my H loses his temper if I say even one word he doesn't like, doesn't agree with, or misunderstands. He says I am negative all the time, that I am miserable to be around, and that he thinks I am destined to be unhappy. While I totally disagree with his perception, I am trying to be more positive, "shelve" my negative thoughts/feelings, and refrain from saying anything that might trigger his anger. At this point, though I feel like he has already determined that I will never change, that I am just complaining all the time, etc. So no matter what I say - he hears it as a complaint when most of the time, I am just trying to have a simple conversation with him. The other day I made a joke about something meaningless and he immediately bit my head off and when I told him that I was sorry, I was just trying to make a joke to start the day off on a positive note, his response was "I can never tell if you are joking or just being *****y"?!?!?

I am a combination of mad, sad, frustrated, and resentful. I am trying so hard to be kind and loving and see the best in him (despite his faults), he seems to focus on all of my faults and expects perfection 100% of the time. He says mean things, reminds me of every thing I have even done wrong in our relationship, and yells and screams if I ever broach a difficult subject or express a feeling or concern.

I work in a small office and I am the boss so I can't really share any of my personal life with my employees and I really don't have a lot of women friends because I work so much. After my 1st marriage ended in divorce, I lost all "our" friends because they basically didn't want to pick sides and just sort of avoided both of us. I have been with my H for almost 9 years (married for 3). My new neighbors are mostly stay at home moms who I don't have much in common with outside of kid-related topics. My bio kids are 15 and 17 and don't even go to school in the school district where I live so the possibility of making new "friends" with other moms around my neighborhood are not great.

I guess basically, I am looking for some place to vent, receive some feedback, and maybe feel as if I am not totally alone. At this point, outside of my kids and my job, I feel extremely lonely and lost since I can't seem to talk to my H about anything without him losing his temper and starting WWIII. I am sorry for the things that I have done to contribute to our past and present issues and have repeatedly apologized but I am starting to believe he has neither the capacity to forgive or get past things. At some point - don't you both have to just move on and give the other person the benefit of the doubt? I have forgiven him for many things that he did to contribute to the problems we have and I really try hard not to keep digging up skeletons from the past but he seems determined to keep re-hashing the same old arguments and stick to old destructive patterns.

Any advice?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,274 Posts
Easy, there is nothing you can work on because he avoids difficult issues whether he wants to deal with the stress or not and yet, that stress obviously leaks into your marriage and those outside factors that are beyond your relationship plays a part because it is his baggage. You are the step parent, so you cannot dictate how he raises his children but if you do not like it, and it affects you negatively, the only thing you can do is realistically leave because his children will always be a part of his life and children being used against one another is really common.

Your best shot is to detach and work on yourself because anything you bring up that he does not like, he will redirect that anger towards you in order not to deal with it even though that very same issue is affecting your relationship whether you talk about it or not. No issue can be worked on if there is no communication and if he shuts you down there, then you either live with it or not. The only suggestion I would offer is when he is in a better mood and if that fails, detach and separate. Anything left not resolved will fester and poison any relationship. BTW, he sounds abusive.
 
1 - 3 of 3 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top