[longhope]

Hi,

I have a long story so I will leave out a lot and keep the timeline abstract in case she reads it, I met my first girlfriend years ago and I married her some years later, it didn't seem right at the time but I did anyway, I didn't feel I was worth anything back then. My parents didn't want this marriage so they didn't speak to me for years following and my wife pushed them away as well.

My wife is very intelligent (top 1% easily) and I feel manipulates me as much as she can. We moved for work a few years ago and I let her give up work even though we have no kids which was a big mistake. This move was to save our marriage really, my wife have never wanted sex with me, and is really lazy. The move was ok for a while (about the first month), still no intimacy despite my best efforts, but she seemed happy and that made me happy.

Since then she has just spent and spent, refused to do any cleaning, cooking anything and I ended up working 60+ hours a week to pay for it all and I haven't had any time off in years. She assembled a massive pet collection on our farm, they cr*p and wee all over the house and the outside animals are the expensive type that she doesn't use. It just became a daily nightmare of balancing cards. If I tried to discuss it she would threaten to leave me and at least in the early days she would promise intimacy (not sex) and then ask for money. She has a habit of just bombarding me with requests until I give in.

Oddly through all of this I still loved and care for her.

A while back I met someone, we became very close and I love this other person dearly and see them as my soul mate. We haven't been really intimate, but we know how we feel.

Fast forward and I left my wife and moved out, my friend joined me for a while and then the stress of divorce meant we lived alone (we had a couple of breakups) for a while and then back again. In this time, my wife tried to commit suicide, I found her, she is now claiming all of her behaviour is due to depression, she had some time in hospital and counseling. She manipulated them as much as she could as well, they thought she was not depressed , but she is getting treated that way for now. I came back daily and made sure she was ok etc., and the divorce proceeded.

The day before the final judges hearing, my wife threatened to commit suicide again, I was already an anxious mess and I called it off with my friend and moved back, I didn't want to, I really didn't.

I feel this is so engineered by my wife, nothing has really changed in this time, depression seems to be an excuse to me (and I am sympathetic to depression, it affects my family), she keeps implying I am the ill one and that is why I left.

I lost the love of my life, my friend, she isn't returning my emails (it has been 2 months now) until I show action, but even then I don't know if she will give me a chance. I would have liked to have moved out sooner, but I am restricted financially and had to save. I am moving out this week, since I have told my wife to her face many times that I am leaving, I am just leaving and sending an email, I think it is dangerous to tell her in person, I really do.

I could write and write! I really miss my friend, I screwed up, really screwed up. I should have been able to say no to my wife, I am just not that kind of person, I didn't feel I could leave with her threatening suicide whilst I was in another relationship, I felt it would have torn the new relationship to pieces. I also feel like a failure in my marriage.

I want out from my wife, and I want my friend back. I know I haven't been perfect, having an affair and working all hours is not the best for any relationship, but I feel I was driven to it by a demanding wife and I gave her everything I could. I think my wife will try suicide again and will try and ruin me as best she can.

Any advice appreciated, perhaps I have just rambled.

Thank you.

 

[KathyBatesel]

So you're being responsible FOR your wife and neglecting your responsibilities TO and FOR yourself.

Your priorities are all kinds of scrambled. Your wife is responsible for her life, not you. If she ruins it through drug use, suicide, or by refusing treatment for cancer, you cannot and should not be responsible for her choices.

 

[richie33]

No kids? What's the problem? Your wife is controlling you with the threats of suicide. Life is too short to live this type of life. Run.
But you shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with another woman until you sorted this out.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[bobby5]

You did have the option to follow you dream. You didnt because you were afraid your wife might end her life. Its tough but you can not expect the other woman to stay around. A relationship with a man who moves back in with his wife he doesnt love doesnt offer much promise. Im not saying you did anything wrong but you did make a choice. Despite your wife manipulating you (i suspect however that despite the high iq and manipulation that she does at some level suffer from something as suicide thrreats can never be taken lightly) you fell for the trick out of fear and made her your responsibility again. You need to either live with this or put the responsibility on her family and friends or the state. You cant protect her yourself and follow your dreams. She clearly wont be changing any tie soon. You have to make a decision and put whatever safeguards in place that you can. Its down to you. Not your fault but your responsibility to yourself. I note you said in your story that you knew getting married that it was wrong. You gave of yourself to someone you may not have loved or respected. Not a good move but not enough detail to understand. Regardless that is all in the past but I suspect you have some early responsibility for this. Help her out. Get out or live with the consequences as best youn can. Only you can decide.
I would like your opinion on my story
Here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...counseling-end-all-hope-me-help-new-post.html

 

[VFW]

Dude you lost the love of your life because of YOUR actions. IF she was the love of your life, then why did you leave her? Don't blame this on your wife, it was your actions that caused this. You could get her professional help, you moving back into won't help that issue. You need to put on your big boy pants and quit blaming others and allowing them to manipulate you.

 

[KathyBatesel]

Dude you lost the love of your life because of YOUR actions. IF she was the love of your life, then why did you leave her? Don't blame this on your wife, it was your actions that caused this. You could get her professional help, you moving back into won't help that issue. You need to put on your big boy pants and quit blaming others and allowing them to manipulate you.

I agree with this. You made your wife more important than the love of your life. That makes no sense.

 

[longhope]

I know this is my fault, I am moving out. At the time, dealing with the threat of suicide was too much and I was prepared to give up the love of my life to prevent this. I found her after her last attempt, I struggled to cope with the this, I felt responsible.

I lost the woman I love, and from the feedback I am getting, I have lost her forever. I would dearly like to know if there is a way to rebuild trust from this and to get her back. I think she loves me, she needs action, I don't want to give up, but there again I need some hope as well.

For those who say I made choices, I did, but think about your words and the situation, you feel like a murderer, it not as easy as it sounds.

I do appreciate all the feedback, even the person who told me to put on my big boy pants.

Life is complicated, it seems I should try and move forward, but I have now learned that you never forget when you do really fall in love, and I would dearly like advice on how to get back with her and how to deal with all the emotional abuse I am getting from my wife.

 

[FogCityGril]

Your wife may very well be depressed. Manic depressive with mood swings. One point she is ok the next she isn't. She feels she has no control over her life. I think that her threatening to kill herself is a way to keep you. If I were you, I would put her in a mental institution, since she is a danger to herself. You need a life. Go for it.

 

[longhope]

An update, I moved out about 3 weeks ago, it was great, ex said no contact, fantastic, much better than the constant emotional blackmail I was getting before. She said she was going home to her parents and I shouldn't come back to look after things (there are some animals here than need looking after) until a certain date. I came in and she had tried to kill herself again, she is hospital now for quite some time as this is her 2nd major (and about 4-5 others) and they are leaning towards BPD.

Every time she does this I love her a little less, she was trying to manipulate me on the phone from the hospital yesterday.

I still miss my friend, I can only hope that she is staying away because this is too messed up and it is.

Having read more about BPD and having my own counseling, I understand more what happened, but it is has taken me 14 years to get out and I still have a ways to go to really get out.

I will write more on another date when I am not so sad, I feel very sorry for her, but the devastation to all around is too much.

 

[Uptown]

Having read more about BPD ...but it is has taken me 14 years to get out and I still have a ways to go to really get out.

LongHope, I'm so sorry to hear that the two of you are in such pain. Like you, I was married to a BPDer and it took me 15 years to get out. Also like you, I am an excessive caregiver whose desire to be needed (for what I can do or fix) far exceeds my desire to be loved (for the man I already am).

Moreover, I also had to come to terms with repeated suicide threats from my exW (e.g., she would walk to a tall bridge and sometimes would call from a subway platform, saying she was going to jump in front of the next train -- just before hanging up). I therefore understand how difficult it is for caregivers like us to walk away from a sick loved one -- even when that is exactly what we should do. I offer several suggestions for making your healing process shorter:

First, I suggest you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. It is by the same author who wrote Stop Walking on Eggshells, the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused spouses.

Second, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The one that likely will be most helpful to you is the "Leaving" board.

Third, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is "Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD" at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

Fourth, I suggest you read therapist Shari Schreiber's article explaining how we excessive caregivers got to be this way during our childhoods. It is located at DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?.

Fifth, if you would like to read about my experiences with my BPDer exW, I suggest you read my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to other good online resources.

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers. Take care, LongHope.

 

[longhope]

I do really appreciate the advice and I am reading the stop walking on eggshells book as well as having lots of counseling myself. She had another suicide attempt, they released her and less than a week later she did it again. It is extreme manipulation, it has taken a long time but the professionals are finally labeling it as BPD. The label kind of helps, but in many ways that is all it is. I am with a very high functioning BPD and I can assure you it is hell and distorts everything in the relationship. I am going to write a post about it to help others, I was in denial about her BPD diagnosis, that is a big part of the problem, I just want to give and give and make her happy even at the cost of my own happiness.

 

[Uptown]

I just want to give and give and make her happy even at the cost of my own happiness.

Like I said, LongHope, you are an excessive caregiver like me. Again, I suggest you read the Schreiber article I provided a link for above. She explains how we likely got to be this way during our childhoods.

 

[longhope]

I know, I agree about the caregiving. I have a counselor who is calling and challenging me on this and I hate it, but she is right. I need to write a posting on this because I am also intelligent (also top academic 1% without meaning to boast) and yet my feelings take over my logic and I have been trapped like this for 14 years. I have found out today in my counseling that when I was taking her to her sessions that she was projecting illness on to me when she was summarising her sessions, in fact when she was in her sessions she was causing hell with her counselors, we share the same practise, just not the same counselors. That was hard to take, I did everything to get her help and she was still lying to me, except she wasn't, this is what her mind thought. This stuff is hard, I will write and I will greatly appreciate any previews here on this site, I guess it should really go on BPD family, that site seems to be lacking on the highly functional BPD examples. She just needs help and I so wish there was a cure.

I just need to get through right now, this is the 3rd suicide attempt in a few months, I just need some time, but oddly whilst she is in hospital I feel more relaxed and I want to help others. Thanks again.

 

[Uptown]

This stuff is hard, I will write and I will greatly appreciate any previews here on this site, I guess it should really go on BPD family, that site seems to be lacking on the highly functional BPD examples.

Longhope, your experience and knowledge can help numerous people here on TAM as well as on BPDfamily. Remember, the vast majority of abused spouses like you never take advantage of the BPDfamily resources because nobody tells them that the outrageous behaviors they see form a pattern of dysfunctional behavior called BPD. Although Google can unlock a world of information, it only does so when you know what terms to search for.

 

[longhope]

it has taken me a long time to get to a point where I can write about this and at some point I will write something and have it edited by my counselor and post it here or somewhere. I hate to think of anyone else living with a partner who has BPD who isn't getting help or counseling.

A lot of this is co-dependency and that is well covered, but even taking out the need to control and feel you can save everything living with a partner with BPD is vicious and it really sucks the life out of you. I should know, I got very ill this year after I moved out for good.

BPD is a fashionable term that is being used too much, the trigger for me was when the Dr said how about Dialetic Behavioural Therapy, he had guessed what is wrong, finally after the 3rd dramatic and serious suicide attempt it was formalized as a diagnosis.

So what is it like? I find the descriptions of passion and neediness etc to be very off the mark, though I can see the loneliness and despair that a BPD sufferer has. It preys on givers, and you will keep giving until you die. I think the empty bucket analogy is the best, you will never fill it no matter how much you give. If you are stuck with a highly intelligent sufferer as I was then you are in trouble, it took me 15 years to get out and I would still do anything for her, but I wouldn't have a relationship, hopefully I can forget about her, I have been in counseling for a year and it is still hard.

I think I am rambling, but hopefully this helps. I have every sympathy for sufferers of mental illness, and I think BPD can be treated, but if the sufferer can't admit the illness, there is no hope, run because it will destroy you. I am looking at the very real possibility of having my ex take everything because she is very manipulative and BPD means she thinks she is right, however even with nothing at least I won't die, which is what I was facing earlier this year.

 

[longhope]

and as a separate thread everyone who agreed with putting big boy pants on, you don't know what you are talking about. Living with a partner with BPD is an abusive relationship and needs understanding not playground comments. I doubt you would give that advice is someone was being physically abused. I would have actually much preferred that, my identical twin was physically abused by his wife and I was mentally abused we often have this discussion.

 

[Uptown]

Welcome back, Longhope. I'm glad to hear that you survived the past 8 months and have managed to overcome your physical health problem. I look forward to reading your post about your experiences with a BPDer -- when you feel like writing it.