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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi. Could do with some help and advice please. I have just told my husband that I want to divorce and it’s simply heartbreaking. I’m so scared of the future, feel so guilty for breaking his heart and I don’t know which way is up.

To explain a little...we’ve only been married for 2 years, together for 6 so not long in the grand scheme of things. He’s 43 and in 32, no children. Before we were married, he took drugs occasionally. I explained that this was unacceptable but offered to help him overcome it. Since being married, he has often lied about doing drugs-not everyday but once every couple of months. Since being married, he has not really treated me well..he angers over small things and I feel I’m walking on eggshells. We own a successful business together so work together too but I often feel I’m him secretary/ cleaner/ cook etc rather than wife. Over the past year or more his tantrums have got bigger and more explosive. Our business was affected by Covid but we’ve managed to ride it and it’ll hopefully go back to full strength soon but it has been stressful.
Since last summer, his behaviour got quite ...rollercoaster like-up, down, screaming at me for the smallest things then being so loving it confused me. I began to read into emotional abuse and it fitted the bill pretty well.
In November we went to marriage councilling which didn’t really help. We bickered even in that. Then in January I found out he was doing drugs again and walked out and stayed with my parents for a few days. I came back to him after a week and we had long talks and he promised to pull it together and I promised to not rise to his anger.

Since January, he has lied to me about drugs on three occasions which I’ve found out because of gut feeling. We’ve still argued most days/ weeks about ridiculous things. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve said I want a divorce as it’s just too much. At the age of 32, I wanted to start a family and be secure but I wouldn’t dream of bringing up a child in this volatile environment. My trust is broken and I don’t think it’s fixable (and I’m a very forgiving person-too forgiving probably). We are luck y to not have children yet but I am very aware that my biological clock is ticking and if I need to start fresh, I need to sooner rather than later so I can have a family and things I’ve dreamed of.

So that’s a bit of backstory. Now, I’m facing the uncertainty many of you have or are going through. I’m terrified I’m making the wrong choice. He’s begged me to stay and promised he’ll change and get help. Im confused nowS I’m terrified of starting over. I’m terrified of losing my best friend-even though he’s been an idiot, he’s still always been there for me. I will lose my business (as it’s primarily his), my dream house, another property, my relationship...I will literally have nothing.
And once these things are gone, I feel like I’ll lose myself. Without him and our business, I don’t know who I am. I don’t have any family apart from my parents and I don’t really have any friends. The last 5 years, I’ve worked like a crazy person and lost friendships (my fault) but I became successful, but now in the blink of an eye, I’m going to lose it all.

I’m so lost and alone. I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I’m paralysed with fear and so frightened. I’m scared that even if I go through with divorce, will I regret the decision? Will I ever know who I am? Will I ever be happy? And the guilt I feel of tearing my husbands world apart kills me. He needs me, he’s lonely too.

Any advice would be welcome. Thank you
 

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Don't make too many assumptions regarding the financial aspects of the divorce. Let a divorce attorney in your state give you the law for your jurisdiction. The bottom line is that you have to decide where your biological clock fits into this equation. The likelihood of him coming clean is very low. He will always have a drug problem. Is he the man you want to be the father of your children?

It's time to make a choice.
 

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It seems that what you're terrified of is the financial situation that you'll be in if you divorce him, right? but at 32 you are still relatively young and can start over. Why do you want to spend any more time in this relationship, wasting some of the best years of your life with a man that is supposedly bringing you down, and most likely he won't stop using drugs.

What do you prefer: to sell your existence for the money and comfort or be on your own seeking a new life free of the bag that your husband is making you drag? If you speak with a lawyer you'll most likely find that all is not lost when it comes the assets distribution. all you need is the courage to do what you know that needs to be done. Proceed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you Ragnar, Sfort and Rob. It’s good to see others points of view.
I am scared about the financial but you’re right, it’s only money and actually I spoke to financial advisors today and I think I’ll be ok.

The main issue I’m facing is the emotional side. I still love him. But I know in reality, he’s not my best path. And I’m scared if I’ll be alone. I’m scared that when I do eventually feel up to dating, all the good guys will be taken! Ha I know it sounds silly but I can’t help but think it!
I’ve always been a person with a plan and goal and to suddenly lose control is terrifying. And I hate that I’ll be screwing his life up too. And there’s so much potential in him to be the right person but his choices have shown me otherwise and proven it.

How long does it take to heal? How long does the pain last? I feel in a terrible limbo at the minute-one minute hating him and feeling confident in my choice and the next minute loving him and thinking we can work through it.

Grrr to emotions!
 

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Grrr to emotions!
Emotions are emotions, nothing that you can do to not have them. The main thing to counter those emotions is REALITY; balance your emotions with the cold harsh reality of thing and you'll be OK. Reality lets you stop from drifting away and wasting your life's time. We only live once so use your time wisely in the manner that you want your life to be.
 

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What percentage of the love you feel is for him and what percentage is for the great guy you think he can be if he gets his together?

Think about that carefully because one is real and one doesn’t exist. Never place your bet on what you think someone has the potential to be.

Also, you say you have done well for yourself financially. I can almost promise you that you will do much better when you drop the dead weight of a drug addict.

I know it’s not easy. I speak from experience. You will thank yourself on the other side.


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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you Rob and Elizabeth.
He’s not a drug addict (as in not doing it morning noon and night) but he does it once every month or so regardless of the consequences and even if I’ve asked him not to. The lies around it are what bother me most.

I guess I’ve got to balance emotions and, like you say, reality. It’s just so hard. And I still love him but love sometimes isn’t enough.
 

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Thank you Rob and Elizabeth.
He’s not a drug addict (as in not doing it morning noon and night) but he does it once every month or so regardless of the consequences and even if I’ve asked him not to. The lies around it are what bother me most.

I guess I’ve got to balance emotions and, like you say, reality. It’s just so hard. And I still love him but love sometimes isn’t enough.
You got that right. And the lying was the deal breaker for me too. Definitely not who you want as a role model for your child.


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It's very hard living with an angry person and having to walk on eggshells all the time. Also there is the illegal drug taking. There is no way that I would have a child around a person who thinks it's ok to take illegal drugs.
He has made promises before but still lies, do you think that will change?

There is no reason you will need to loose everything, you can split the assets between you.

Staying with someone just because you are afraid you may not meet anyone else is a terrible reason.
 

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The main issue I’m facing is the emotional side. I still love him...

I’ve always been a person with a plan and goal and to suddenly lose control is terrifying. And I hate that I’ll be screwing his life up too. And there’s so much potential in him to be the right person but his choices have shown me otherwise and proven it.

How long does it take to heal? How long does the pain last? I feel in a terrible limbo at the minute-one minute hating him and feeling confident in my choice and the next minute loving him and thinking we can work through it.

Grrr to emotions!
@Kt64,

Do you see the sentence I bolded up there in your quote? That is the sentence that motivated me to write to you. Know why? That is bass ackward thinking (lol). That is a lie you've been told probably by him that you have been saying to yourself now too, and it is quite frankly JUST NOT TRUE.

Here's the truth: HIS CHOICES have screwed up his life. He is experiencing the natural consequences of HIS CHOICES and they hurt...and he doesn't like that. So rather than taking personal responsibility, like a mature individual would, he is blaming others and trying to make himself the victim. It's called DARVO--which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

In real life, he had every opportunity to want to quit drugs on his own. He could have made that choice and looked up NA meetings or counseling or even rehab if he needs it...all on his own! He could have valued YOU more than the drugs, and he chose the drugs. [Edited to add: I get it--he's not a drug addict. But he knew where you stood on drugs, and when weighing monthly "high" against losing you...he picked the monthly high! He could have chosen differently, and didn't.] He could have chosen to have self worth and work on becoming his potential, but he didn't choose that, did he? See YOU believed in him. YOU wanted him and loved him. You could see the promise if he would just stop the drugs and work on anger management. You even attempted marriage counseling and it didn't go well--and that's at minimum partly because he chose to continue to do actions that HARMED the relationship rather than PROTECTING it...and protecting you.

Here's the thing, though. Everyone has the "potential" to be better and do better. But a wise person can discern if someone is working on that potential and putting forth time and energy into being better...or if someone is giving lip service but then turning around and doing the exact opposite of what they said. When words and actions MATCH--that one is a keeper! When words and actions DO NOT MATCH--that is lying and that is one whom you are wise to put in boundaries around yourself and protect yourself from them.

The way you can tell if a person "really means it" versus if they are just making "empty promises" is to watch their actions. What are they DOING? Forget the words--words are just hot puffs of air crossing vocal chords. They don't mean anything! But ACTIONS--that's the ticket! When a person "really means it" they don't say they will do this and that, they just shut up and do it! On their own, too--without you "reminding them" or "helping them"! They WANT IT!! They make the effort. They do the work. They hurt and keep going anyway. When you see that, consistently, over some time...then yep that person means it. When you see no effort, blaming others, avoiding, forgetting to do the work, continuing to do what they promised to not do...then nope, that person has not and is not really changing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you Elizabeth, Diana and affaircare. You’re all absolutely right and I will read through this over and over when I feel low or unsure. The only thing that’s bothers me is when we took our vows when we married, I meant them. I meant I’d be there though good and bad times. I meant that I’d always love. So I feel conflicted as I’m ‘backing out’ only two years in. He also doesn’t have many people on his life so I feel like I’m leaving him alone when he’s vulnerable and that makes me upset.
 

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Thank you Elizabeth, Diana and affaircare. You’re all absolutely right and I will read through this over and over when I feel low or unsure. The only thing that’s bothers me is when we took our vows when we married, I meant them. I meant I’d be there though good and bad times. I meant that I’d always love. So I feel conflicted as I’m ‘backing out’ only two years in. He also doesn’t have many people on his life so I feel like I’m leaving him alone when he’s vulnerable and that makes me upset.
I agree, I too believe in promises made. However there are things that to me mean a marriage cant go on and illegal drug taking is one of them. Being constantly angry is emotional abuse, what happens if he always angry with any future children? Do you want them too grow up in an atmosphere of tension and anger? Children need LOADS of patience and it seems that he has none.
I am not sure why you think he is vulnerable. He is a grown man who makes his own decisions.
 

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You want to fix him and that can’t be done. He’d have to want to fix himself and he doesn’t want to. Sure, you could invest 5 or 10 or 20 or 40 more years and then leave. That’s what I did. Guess what? The problems never got better.
 

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... You’re all absolutely right and I will read through this over and over when I feel low or unsure. The only thing that’s bothers me is when we took our vows when we married, I meant them. I meant I’d be there though good and bad times. I meant that I’d always love. So I feel conflicted as I’m ‘backing out’ only two years in. He also doesn’t have many people on his life so I feel like I’m leaving him alone when he’s vulnerable and that makes me upset.
@Kt64,

You are aware that in both the legal and moral arena, there are legitimate "exceptions" that are recognized that would make a marriage null and void, right? For example, in the legal arena, if a person were under the age of consent, it doesn't make any difference even if they agreed to marry--that marriage is null and void. If a person is mentally incapacitated or of unsound mind, it doesn't make any difference even if they agree to marry--that marriage is null and void. In the moral arena, I believe there are two recognized exceptions: sexual immorality and domestic violence...and I believe Malachi 2:16 (NIV) does a good job of covering both: " 'The man who hates and divorces his wife,' says the Lord, the God of Israel, 'does violence to the one he should protect,' says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful." Most people remember the "I hate divorce" part but they completely forget the "doing violence to the one he should protect" part! He also hates that!

I bring this up because you are not the one breaking the vow. You meant it. Had this been a physical illness (cancer) you would have stayed. Had this been a hard time (being fired from a job) you would have stayed. Sadly, this is an action that is vow-breaking and it is not you that did that action. He made a vow before God to YOU that he would always treat you with love and learn how to love you...and then given the choice of a monthly drug high or keeping his promise, he chose the drug! Okay...so be it. HIS CHOICE. You kept your vow--he didn't.

At this point, if you were to divorce, you would only be putting what has already happened on paper. You would be acknowledging, legally and morally, what has already occurred. The vows were not kept, and you are accepting and communicating that truth rather than pretending it hasn't happened.
 

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He’s not a drug addict (as in not doing it morning noon and night) but he does it once every month or so regardless of the consequences and even if I’ve asked him not to.
I'm sorry, but this is doubtful. If he can't control himself once per month, he is likely doing it more often and lying about it. Being irritable and angry probably happen because he wants/needs more drugs.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you can't help him. Doesn't work. They have to want it.
 

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I'm sorry, but this is doubtful. If he can't control himself once per month, he is likely doing it more often and lying about it. Being irritable and angry probably happen because he wants/needs more drugs.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you can't help him. Doesn't work. They have to want it.
YES!! Listen to that! I was naive as hell

How’s the $$ situation?


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You can’t just be “a little bit” into drugs. He is sneaking around and getting caught once or twice per month, which means there’s times he has not been caught. While I feel for his situation, he needs addiction counseling/meetings and you need to decide if you are up for a lifetime of holding him accountable.

It is a big decision. I hope you get some clarity!
 
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