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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi. Okay, I've been married for 3 1/2 years. I'm 30 years old and so is my husband. I feel like we're roommates. We sleep in separate rooms and have completely opposite schedules. We sleep in separate rooms because he snores so loudly, I literally can't sleep. He has sleep apnea, but refuses to go to the doctor about it. He works from home so he stays up all night then sleeps all day. I have a normal schedule, so I sleep at night and I'm up during the day. We never have sex; it's probably been a good 2-3 months. He says it's not me, but I'm just not so sure. Many times, I'll think we're going to have sex, but he can't get an erection... It can be very disappointing. He has gained quite a bit of weight since we got married and I think that has contributed to the sleep apnea and he said he doesn't have a sex drive because he's not active. Well, he has done NOTHING to try to change that. I asked him and asked him to come running with me, but he refused (he continues to eat like crap, too, even AFTER I've cooked a nice meal). We just discussed it again about a week ago, and still nothing. I just don't know what to do. I mean, it's REALLY affecting me. It's affecting our marriage. Most of the time when I try to talk to him about things, he just gets very short with me and brushes it off. I'm literally at a loss. I feel like I can't talk to him about it because he gets so defensive and I don't want to have an argument. I'm just so sad about the state of our relationship that I don't know where to turn. I feel very alone. I mean, I love my husband with all of my heart, I can't imagine being with someone else.... Oh, not to mention, many times he'll sleep till 4:00 in the afternoon, get up, and then go take a "nap" at, like, 7:00. Is there anyone out there who can give me some advice? I mean, what can I do to get some passion back in our relationship? I'm just heartbroken over all of this.
 

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Hello:

You've come to the right place if your looking for advice. I recently found myself in a similar situation except our sexlessness lasted way more than a few months. The difference I see is that when I approached my H about the problem, he acknowledged it and has been putting at least some effort into improving the relationship. You will probably hear this again and again - if your H isn't prepared to work on intimacy issues, it may be time to kick him to the curb. I think that if my H wasn't willing to see a doc, or put more effort into being intimate, I would be dropping that scenario on him. I know how much this hurts - I cry quite a bit about the situation because it sucks. It is so trying when you and your partner are out of synch. I wish you luck.
 

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Have you told him it's affecting your marriage this much?

Also, weight gain can lead to apnea, and an unhealthy diet isn't good for anyone.

If he won't even let you talk, you may need to consider something drastic, such as seperation or divorce to get his attention.
 

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He seems both lazy and selfish...
Ding ding ding! We have a winner.

And cruel. Because when a spouse brings a problem to your attention, you don't punish them by getting angry with them.

You leap to your feet and put the rocket boots on to fix the problem.

I had a "friend" who I eventually got rid of because he was such a prick. He did exactly the same thing to his wife. Now they have kids, both of whom have been trained to poop all over the wife's head too. So she's finally having an affair with a younger guy from his work place.

It needs to be stopped with an ultimatum or it will end worse. Don't argue. Just tell him. Fix this or I leave. No discussion. Keep your cool. Don't let him get you angry because that's a trick spouses use to muddle blame and get you to feel guilty. Make you concede for the wrong reason.
 

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From what you have described I wonder if there are other things going on in his life - at work or with his family for example - that may be contributing to his changed behavior? His behavior also sounds like he might be suffering from depression. Has he had a check- up lately?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Well, he actually did a 30 minute workout today.... I don't know. I tried to talk to him again, and again, he got angry. I guess we need to go to a marriage counselor. Obviously I can't talk to him. He actually blames me and says I put too much pressure on him. I don't see how that's possible though since I usually don't say anything about anything anymore because I don't want to get into an argument. Usually, in any argument, he turns it around on me. Nothing new. I don't want a divorce. I do love my husband. I just want to fix things. It's just a frustrating time.
 

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He could be looking at porn and wacking off when you're gone. That's a long time for you to be gone where he could be doing stuff. Lots of masturbation will cause a guy to go soft easily. There's no other reason for a 30 year old not to maintain an erection.
 

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Yes. I would highly suspect porn while he's "working" from home. I also think that separate beds is a death sentence for sex lives.
 

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Since you love him and want to stay married to him, you need to drag his *ss to marriage counseling. If he doesn't see that there is a problem with this marriage and he's content with how things are and if he doesn't see how his weight is causing sleep apnea, which leads to the separate bedrooms, then only one of you cares about this marriage. It's great and all that you want to hang on. Keep fighting for the marriage, but if he shuts you down with anger whenever you bring up your concerns, then he doesn't care about the marriage nearly as much as you.

You didn't get married for a roommate situation. You didn't get married to sleep in separate bedrooms. You didn't get married to a guy who can't stay awake for 3 hours without needing a nap. You didn't get married to have someone you love get angry at you when you are just fighting to keep what you want - a healthy marriage.

If he can't see that there is a problem here and refuses to help solve it, then you will have to threaten him with a separation or divorce. That's a wake-up call for a lot of people.
 

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Well, he actually did a 30 minute workout today.... I don't know. I tried to talk to him again, and again, he got angry. I guess we need to go to a marriage counselor. Obviously I can't talk to him. He actually blames me and says I put too much pressure on him. I don't see how that's possible though since I usually don't say anything about anything anymore because I don't want to get into an argument. Usually, in any argument, he turns it around on me. Nothing new. I don't want a divorce. I do love my husband. I just want to fix things. It's just a frustrating time.
Then turn it back on him. Ask him how much pressure he thinks you're under living in a sexless marriage with a husband who refuses to even so much as touch you somedays. Ask him if he thinks that's normal. If he says yes, ask him where in the world he got that idea, because no sane person thinks thats how a marriage should operate.
 
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