[Lilies12]

This is my first time posting anything like this, so here goes nothing.
My husband and I have been together over 5 years now, I was very young when we got married and had only known each other for 5 months. Everything was great at first, but we have had our fair share of problems over the past few years. It started about 2 years ago, I began to think he was cheating on me but never found anything that he was. Then a year ago, around this time of the year I found nude pictures of him on his phone and a email address he sent them too. He admitted he had created the email account and registered on a dating site. I've been trying to work past it, we have been working on our relationship and went to couseling for a few months. We have had our ups and downs, and it seems that all we do is fight. I just recently found more sites that he was on, to include dating sites. I confronted him and he said they were pop-ups when he was doing something else on the computer. I haven't trusted him in over a year and have been very unhappy. Also I found these sites the day after I sat him down and told him I have been thinking about separation/divorce, but thats not what I want because I love him and I want it to work, we have 2 kids together.
I feel like anytime I bring up anything to him all I hear is I love you, I'm sorry..to the point that it feel's like he doesn't actually mean it. Or I just get the brush off, the other day when I brought up our relationship, he tried blaming our strand relationship on the stress of the kids, which is so wrong, you can't blame your children for the way our marriage is!! I've just been so unhappy for so long, I'm so fed up with our situation and the way our relationship is. I feel like I have been fighting a losing battle for 2 years and feel myself distancing from him and think about what it would be to be apart and be myself for once, since I have given up everything and have taken care of him and our kids, I have nothing no job, no money and family lives in another state. I just don't know if its worth trying to fix anymore! He doesnt seem invested anymore.
Any advice? I couldn't tell you what I am looking for by posting this? Maybe someone elses story, some advice, support, I just dont know!
Thanks for reading and any comments!

 

[EleGirl]

Sorry you are going through this. I am sure it's very hard on you.

How old are you and your husband?

Your husband's behavior is way out of line. He's cheating on you and trying to brush it off. As you said, he's not invested in your marriage at all.

It sounds to me like you are at a point where you don't see this marriage as salvageable. I can understand that as his problem seems systemic; meaning it’s coming from him not from any marriage problems you may or may not have. He cannot even make it 3 years in a marriage without this nonsense. Chances are he’s been doing this stuff from day one.

Do you have access to money, in perhaps a joint checking account? Or does he keep control of the money?

Can you move back with your family until you get on your feet?

Do you feel that you need more evidence of what he’d doing before you can decide to leave or stay? Or do you know enough to feel a strong conviction for whatever direction you want to take?

 

[Lilies12]

I am 26 and he is 30, we were both young when we got married. I think he has been having an emotional affair, not a physical one. Yes I am at a point where I don't feel it is salvageable, but I am trying to make it work, I can't walk away feeling like I didn't try my hardest to make it work. I'm still trying to come up with things to try, but am not finding anything. I do have access to money, we just don't really have any with me being a SHAM. My family is being supportive, I have talked with them and yes they are willing to help me. I think I have been looking for more of a reason to leave, but I also feel like there is enough and I am tired of being walked all over and treated badly. I feel emotionally ready, but don't know if I can actually walk away...

 

[Wonderess]

Hi, your situation sounds a little like mine a few years ago. I found some stuff online which lead me to believe my husband was having some sort of emotional affair. He denied, told me they were just friends. I also found a dating site before that and confronted him by it and he had an explanation for that too. I never believed him, but stayed wanting my marriage to work. I was never able to fully trust him again and was always snooping and trying to find something. It's not a way to live. He did nothing to try to regain that trust. I blame myself for letting way too many things slide. We are now at a point, years and 2 kids later, that I am ready to walk away. It's mutual...he obviously hasn't been happy for awhile either or else he wouldn't be looking elsewhere.

Even though I know it's the right thing, and we both have talked about it and agree on it, it's still really difficult. But I am so tired of always wondering what he's up to, when's the next EA going to happen. It's hard to walk away, but as in your situation, it's not that easy to stay either. Once the trust is broken, it's almost impossible to get it back 100%. I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your kids.

 

[devotion]

Ditto. I think people do make mistakes but everyone here is reporting catching EA over and over again, and the person committing the EA downplaying it because it was just EA and not PA. That's a sure sign that they don't value your relationship and its time to move on.

Now if they made a mistake, fess up to their mistake, and stop making the mistake -- then forgiveness is AN option.. like you I went through a wandering mate and was willing to forgive her.. but she kept on cheating.. and lying, in her mind, it was ok because of the 'bad things' I did to her.

I felt like I had lost trust and innocence when I first found about an EA, but was going to work my way through it.. She made my decision easier by continuing down that path. Maybe his complete disregard for you and the relationship will make it a bit easier, though with kids it will never be that easy, sorry.

 

[LiamN]

It really sounds like your husband is bored with your marriage! What can you do to spice things up? How about thinking of new experiences the two of you could share that would be fun.
Try a few new erotic things too to spice things up.
If you can provide a more interesting alternative to dating sites he's soon going to want to give them up.

 

[Lilies12]

Wonderess and devotion Thank You for sharing your story. I havent been able to trust him for awhile now, and I hate not being able to trust him and that I feel obligated to snoop! He keeps saying he wants it to work and actually does try, right after everything hits the fan but then it goes back down hill agian! I'm sick of the constant uphill and downhill battles!!
LiamN I have tried different things to spice it up, yes he likes it but then expects it constantly. Which is hard to do when we have small children, he works, I take night classes, etc. Im not trying to make excuses but it cant happen everytime, which is what he expects when it does happen.

 

[Wonderess]

I don't agree that this is as simple as your husband is bored and it's up to you to spice it up. I gave my husband everything I had, but he used any excuse (I turned him down one night) to go looking elsewhere. He just seemed to never be satisfied and always looking for more. I wish I had left a long time ago instead of putting up with it because I felt scared and was in love with him. He knew he could get away with stuff with me because I kept allowing it to happen, so he did.

 

[devotion]

I don't know if there's anything else you can do or should do. I'm just saying that you don't deserve to be cheated on, emotionally or physically. You can forgive and move on if you want, but if he keeps on don't beat yourself up about it. If the sexual chemistry isn't right between you two, then he could do the right thing, end it, and then find someone else. There's no excuse for trying to have his cake (marriage) and eat it too (affair).

My two cents. Good luck!

 

[Lilies12]

I have given him everything I have to give, I have nothing left to give. I'm out of giving and when I try to do something for myself, I'm being selfish, such as taking night classes..he said it bothers him because I'm not home with him but I know it is because he is home alone with the kids and having to take care of them. I have made the decision to go stay with family after the holidays for a bit, get my head clear, step back and figure things out. Thank You everyone for your input. This has helped me!

 

[bryane]

Lillies,

I did something very similar as your husband. I have much regret and remorse over what I did. I pray and hope every day that I can fix my marriage. As a matter of fact my marriage has been and will remain my 1st priority as long as I live from now on. My wife left me on November 10th of this year and I have been a complete wreck ever since. What I did was extremely stupid and wrong. I did it partly out of boredom, partly out of curiosity, and mainly out of stupidity. I never had the intention to cheat on my wife, nor would I. I do not know all the details to your situation, nor can I speak on your husband's behalf, however if there is any way to resolve this and your husband feels anything like I do, please give him and your marriage the opportunity. I would do almost anything to fix my marriage. I love my wife more than even she can realize and I don't want a divorce nor do I want to be separated. Sometimes, us men are insensitive, and make really stupid mistakes, we take things for granted, and don't use the best judgement when it comes to these types of things. I know I did not and I know I had no intentions of hurting my wife or my marriage, yet I still managed to royally screw things up.