Quick background in a nut-shell
1.) Married in the State of California for 12 years now
2.) I'm a 40 year old Caucasian, my wife is a 33 year old Asian from Laos
3.) Two children - one age 6 and the other 3. Both boys. My six year old is special needs (PDD-NOS: Autistic Spectrum)
4.) I am employed and make a decent salary (around $75k)
5.) My wife was regularly employed up until 2006 when she was fired from her job (she won't admit this - they pulled her from her position because of poor performance and disobedience and offered her a lesser role in another position that she turned down). During her last three years working, she brought in roughly $40K - $50K a year
6.) Recently filed bankruptcy (Chapter 7) to clean up a debt mess that has been developing since my wife lost her job
7.) Losing our home in this process...the mortgage just got to be too much without her income. Still in the house, and looking at attempting a short sale to avoid foreclosure. However, the house is a mess with stained carpets, filthy walls, broken doors...it's a disaster and selling it might prove difficult unless we move out.
Here is my dilemma. I simply cannot deal with my wife any longer. I should have realized the person I married a long time ago. But as we all know, I cannot go back and change the past.
I am what most would consider a rather organized and neat person. My wife, on the other hand, is a complete mess. I don't know if it's a cultural thing...but she simply does not care about her home or property. Having crap laying all over the house...laundry, food, newspapers...it means nothing to her. Damage to property that we've spent many years purchasing has no meaning...the kids have literally destroyed everything we own in one way or another.
She spends 70% of her day sitting on the computer chatting with people on social forums and listening to online spiritual guidance in "Paltalk" rooms - something related to Buddha and Dhamma that she says makes her life better. This sort of stuff is coming out of the speakers of her computer(s) around the house for what seems like 24 hours a day. It's driving me crazy. And when she is not on the computer, she's texting on her phone.
She does little more than make sure our kids are fed and clothed. Anything more than that just doesn't happen. They're generally free to roam and destroy the house when I am not home.
I work in a high stress job what amounts to an average of 50-60 hours a week. I come home to piles of dishes in the sink...clothes all over the house (both clean and dirty). She hates to put clothes away. She'll wash and dry them and they'll get piled up anywhere in the house (couches, beds, top of the washer dryer) and that's where they'll stay.
She's a total packrat. Holds on to anything. Doesn't matter how trivial...stuff that's clearly junk or trash to the average person she wants to keep.
About a year ago, she got involved in an online relationship with someone in Thailand to the point where she wanted to leave me for this guy. At the time, I was in a much different frame of mind. I still loved her and didn't want to lose her. So I fought and things got really bad for a while. Eventually, she had a change of mind and heart and decided is was in her best interest to stay in our marriage. But through all of that, I changed. I don't have the same feelings any longer. I try to care, but I don't have the same feelings I did even a year ago, and the stress of the relationship is killing me. She is a person who cannot change...and neither am I. I need a wife at home that is taking care of business...taking care of the home and ensuring our kids are taken care of. I need to be able to come home to a clean house and, on occasion, a cooked meal after a stressful day at work. I need to know my kids are safe and getting the care they deserve when I cannot be at home. I work many hours and also have a part time career in the US Naval Reserves that consumes my time.
If things keep going the way they are, I feel like I am going to break. I have all kinds of stress on my shoulders...a job I used to love that I now hate because I moved into management. Financial stress (slightly reduced as a result of Bankruptcy)and the upcoming stress of losing our home and having to move.
Divorce has always been a consideration. I simply feel that getting out into a little apartment somewhere would allow me to get back to a life of less stress and some organization where I control my environment.
More than likely, my oldest son would probably go with me. He's so attached to me, while my youngest is attached to my wife.
But my wife doesn't make this easy. She has commented on many occasions that if I file for divorce, that she want's the maximum she can get in child support AND spousal support. I fear this will reduce me to poverty level.
I've been doing some reading about how divorces go in the State of California. I hate the fact that the courts seem to favor the mothers and don't hold them responsible in any way if the father is working. In my mind, there should be some sort of calculation that estimates the monthly or yearly cost to provide for the needs of the children, and the father should simply be responsible for 50% of this cost while the mother needs to go out and get a job and cover the other 50%. That's only fair.
So there is my story. Certainly there are more details. But I won't bore anyone with anything more. Just looking for some advice. We're obviously not in good shape financially after just having come out of bankruptcy. So getting am expensive lawyer may not be an option.
I think my life would be so much better if I had an organized environment at home. But that's never going to happen due to my choice in a spouse. She's not a bad person. We simply are not compatible. Nothing in common in choices of music, entertainment, social and political ideology, hobbies, religion, and particularly culture. We have a huge gap in ideas on how to maintain a household.
I need somewhere to turn...the stress is simply too much. I need a change of life soon, which I think needs to start at home and eventually also needs to happen with my career since I'm miserable at work as well. More often than not, I feel like I'm lost with no where to turn and I sit at home with no motivation to do anything, knowing that it won't make a difference. I'm one person in this sea of despair and disorder, feeling like I am swimming upstream and going nowhere, with a waterfall not far behind waiting for me to fall over the edge.
Thanks for listening. Happy to hear any advice.
Sincerely,
Chris
1.) Married in the State of California for 12 years now
2.) I'm a 40 year old Caucasian, my wife is a 33 year old Asian from Laos
3.) Two children - one age 6 and the other 3. Both boys. My six year old is special needs (PDD-NOS: Autistic Spectrum)
4.) I am employed and make a decent salary (around $75k)
5.) My wife was regularly employed up until 2006 when she was fired from her job (she won't admit this - they pulled her from her position because of poor performance and disobedience and offered her a lesser role in another position that she turned down). During her last three years working, she brought in roughly $40K - $50K a year
6.) Recently filed bankruptcy (Chapter 7) to clean up a debt mess that has been developing since my wife lost her job
7.) Losing our home in this process...the mortgage just got to be too much without her income. Still in the house, and looking at attempting a short sale to avoid foreclosure. However, the house is a mess with stained carpets, filthy walls, broken doors...it's a disaster and selling it might prove difficult unless we move out.
Here is my dilemma. I simply cannot deal with my wife any longer. I should have realized the person I married a long time ago. But as we all know, I cannot go back and change the past.
I am what most would consider a rather organized and neat person. My wife, on the other hand, is a complete mess. I don't know if it's a cultural thing...but she simply does not care about her home or property. Having crap laying all over the house...laundry, food, newspapers...it means nothing to her. Damage to property that we've spent many years purchasing has no meaning...the kids have literally destroyed everything we own in one way or another.
She spends 70% of her day sitting on the computer chatting with people on social forums and listening to online spiritual guidance in "Paltalk" rooms - something related to Buddha and Dhamma that she says makes her life better. This sort of stuff is coming out of the speakers of her computer(s) around the house for what seems like 24 hours a day. It's driving me crazy. And when she is not on the computer, she's texting on her phone.
She does little more than make sure our kids are fed and clothed. Anything more than that just doesn't happen. They're generally free to roam and destroy the house when I am not home.
I work in a high stress job what amounts to an average of 50-60 hours a week. I come home to piles of dishes in the sink...clothes all over the house (both clean and dirty). She hates to put clothes away. She'll wash and dry them and they'll get piled up anywhere in the house (couches, beds, top of the washer dryer) and that's where they'll stay.
She's a total packrat. Holds on to anything. Doesn't matter how trivial...stuff that's clearly junk or trash to the average person she wants to keep.
About a year ago, she got involved in an online relationship with someone in Thailand to the point where she wanted to leave me for this guy. At the time, I was in a much different frame of mind. I still loved her and didn't want to lose her. So I fought and things got really bad for a while. Eventually, she had a change of mind and heart and decided is was in her best interest to stay in our marriage. But through all of that, I changed. I don't have the same feelings any longer. I try to care, but I don't have the same feelings I did even a year ago, and the stress of the relationship is killing me. She is a person who cannot change...and neither am I. I need a wife at home that is taking care of business...taking care of the home and ensuring our kids are taken care of. I need to be able to come home to a clean house and, on occasion, a cooked meal after a stressful day at work. I need to know my kids are safe and getting the care they deserve when I cannot be at home. I work many hours and also have a part time career in the US Naval Reserves that consumes my time.
If things keep going the way they are, I feel like I am going to break. I have all kinds of stress on my shoulders...a job I used to love that I now hate because I moved into management. Financial stress (slightly reduced as a result of Bankruptcy)and the upcoming stress of losing our home and having to move.
Divorce has always been a consideration. I simply feel that getting out into a little apartment somewhere would allow me to get back to a life of less stress and some organization where I control my environment.
More than likely, my oldest son would probably go with me. He's so attached to me, while my youngest is attached to my wife.
But my wife doesn't make this easy. She has commented on many occasions that if I file for divorce, that she want's the maximum she can get in child support AND spousal support. I fear this will reduce me to poverty level.
I've been doing some reading about how divorces go in the State of California. I hate the fact that the courts seem to favor the mothers and don't hold them responsible in any way if the father is working. In my mind, there should be some sort of calculation that estimates the monthly or yearly cost to provide for the needs of the children, and the father should simply be responsible for 50% of this cost while the mother needs to go out and get a job and cover the other 50%. That's only fair.
So there is my story. Certainly there are more details. But I won't bore anyone with anything more. Just looking for some advice. We're obviously not in good shape financially after just having come out of bankruptcy. So getting am expensive lawyer may not be an option.
I think my life would be so much better if I had an organized environment at home. But that's never going to happen due to my choice in a spouse. She's not a bad person. We simply are not compatible. Nothing in common in choices of music, entertainment, social and political ideology, hobbies, religion, and particularly culture. We have a huge gap in ideas on how to maintain a household.
I need somewhere to turn...the stress is simply too much. I need a change of life soon, which I think needs to start at home and eventually also needs to happen with my career since I'm miserable at work as well. More often than not, I feel like I'm lost with no where to turn and I sit at home with no motivation to do anything, knowing that it won't make a difference. I'm one person in this sea of despair and disorder, feeling like I am swimming upstream and going nowhere, with a waterfall not far behind waiting for me to fall over the edge.
Thanks for listening. Happy to hear any advice.
Sincerely,
Chris
