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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My story is very long. We have been together for 15 years, married for 10. We have two kids, 6 and 2. We have a house, a seasonal camper and overall have built a life together that I love.

Since we moved in together three years into our relationship he has been talking to other women inappropriately through messaging apps. I would catch him, things would blow up, then he would promise things would get better and he wouldn’t do it again. We have gone through this cycle more times than I can count. I still married him and had a kid with him, I’ve been in therapy working on me. When our first child was 2, I found it he has been physical with at least 4 other women. We both immediately started individual counseling and then couples counseling.

We did counseling for a year and half and came out on the other side with our relationship looking much better. We then had our second child. As far as I am aware, the cycle stopped with counseling and he hasn’t stepped out of our marriage since then. However we are not in a good place at all. He feels like I’m not affectionate or intimate enough and that has been the issue our whole relationship. I have abandonment and father issues that I’m dealing with, but I am just not that kind of person and don’t feel like I’m capable of changing that at this point. He claims I don’t like him and has been questioning whether I love him or not. We have been fighting a lot more and I just don’t know what to do here. I’m at my wits end. I can’t stand the thought of not seeing my kids everyday though. I’ve been through two divorces with my parents and have told myself that I wouldn’t put my kids though it, but I just don’t know anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
After you found out about the 4 other women he has been physical with, what made you stay then?
My son. I felt like I needed to try for his sake. That was why I forced counseling for both of us and then we did couples. Now I feel like we have tried and I’m not sure couples counseling again is what we should do.


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Other than the concerns you have about your son, what goes through your head when you think about leaving? To me, it doesn't sound like either of you are very happy.
 

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Without accusations of any type, when you imply you can't be more intimate and affectionate, (and say can't change?) you do seem to understand that is a large problem?

If I'm misreading pls advise.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Without accusations of any type, when you imply you can't be more intimate and affectionate, (and say can't change?) you do seem to understand that is a large problem?

If I'm misreading pls advise.
I do understand it is a large problem. I am in therapy again and am working on why I am this way and how I can change. But I’m also wandering if it’s the way our relationship has been the whole time we have been together and the fact that I’ve never been able to trust him, and for good solid reasons.


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Discussion Starter #8
Other than the concerns you have about your son, what goes through your head when you think about leaving? To me, it doesn't sound like either of you are very happy.
I don’t think either of us are happy right now at all. But I some of it has been COVID stress. I’m a teacher and the amount of stress I’ve been under has definitely effected the way I’ve interacted with my family. I feel like getting divorced during this would make it appear like we are just giving up during a hard period, but we have been struggling and trying for years.


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The trusting H is of course a large problem too.
It sounds like his early bad judgment and ahole behavior is in the past and you've moved through it, and he's no longer being untrustworthy, or is he?

Is it possible he's now squared away, and he wants to work with you on keeping things good, and has brought up the affectionate issue, to try and improve the overall relationship?

Or is he currently fooling around?
 

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I don’t think either of us are happy right now at all. But I some of it has been COVID stress. I’m a teacher and the amount of stress I’ve been under has definitely effected the way I’ve interacted with my family. I feel like getting divorced during this would make it appear like we are just giving up during a hard period, but we have been struggling and trying for years
I highlighted the problem word here. Far too many times we don't act out of how it might appear to others or the outside world. Only we can judge what is right and what is wrong, how much of something we can take or at what point that it's just too much.

Is your hubby still in individual counseling?
 

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A bigger couple questions that may provide some clarity is

Do you see yourself wanting to be married to H if he continues to improve?

Or no matter what H does improvement-wise, do you still want to D him?

If there are no circumstances in which you want to remain married the rest is moot.

Sorry you're going through this, nothing about these circumstances are easy.

They are common in marriages but each situation is certainly up to the person or couple.

Hang in there.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
The trusting H is of course a large problem too.
It sounds like his early bad judgment and ahole behavior is in the past and you've moved through it, and he's no longer being untrustworthy, or is he?

Is it possible he's now squared away, and he wants to work with you on keeping things good, and has brought up the affectionate issue, to try and improve the overall relationship?

Or is he currently fooling around?
I have no evidence of him fooling around anymore. I usually have a really good instinct when he’s been doing something and haven’t gotten it in a long time. I feel like he does want to work on not but we were intimate last week and then he got angry that I wasn’t in the mood at first and still went thought with it. I’m not sure what else I was supposed to do when I didn’t want to reject him again.


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Discussion Starter #13
I highlighted the problem word here. Far too many times we don't act out of how it might appear to others or the outside world. Only we can judge what is right and what is wrong, how much of something we can take or at what point that it's just too much.

Is your hubby still in individual counseling?
No he’s not. I mentioned it to him recently and he said he doesn’t need it, that he would only be taking about my problems. He doesn’t want to live like this anymore but I know that this is not all on me.


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Discussion Starter #15
A bigger couple questions that may provide some clarity is

Do you see yourself wanting to be married to H if he continues to improve?

Or no matter what H does improvement-wise, do you still want to D him?

If there are no circumstances in which you want to remain married the rest is moot.

Sorry you're going through this, nothing about these circumstances are easy.

They are common in marriages but each situation is certainly up to the person or couple.

Hang in there.
It’s a really though question. I feel like it’s tied up into my feelings about my kids and not wanting to not see them everyday along with the fact of giving up the life we have together the house, camper etc. If it was just the two of us, I wouldn’t have stayed when I first found out about the physical affairs. He may not be stepping out the marriage, but our relationship has not been this bad in a long time and I’m not sure what to do or if we can come out of this. I’m not sure I can give him what he needs or wants and I’m not sure we were ever right for each other in the first place.


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It’s a really though question. I feel like it’s tied up into my feelings about my kids and not wanting to not see them everyday along with the fact of giving up the life we have together the house, camper etc. If it was just the two of us, I wouldn’t have stayed when I first found out about the physical affairs. He may not be stepping out the marriage, but our relationship has not been this bad in a long time and I’m not sure what to do or if we can come out of this. I’m not sure I can give him what he needs or wants and I’m not sure we were ever right for each other in the first place.


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This may be your answer. He'll always be fighting a losing battle with you and eventually he'll be very aware of that and problems will greatly multiply.
 

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I have some bad news for you. In about 20ish years your kids are not going to want to live with you anymore.
 

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I am not surprised you are struggling with a husband who has had at least 4 affairs that you know of. How can you ever trust him again? I just couldnt stay with a man who had treated me that way.
 

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This post makes me sad for so many reasons.

The cheating along is enough to make anyone struggle to be intimate with their H, even aside from inherited trauma. I hope he hasn’t made you feel like your lack of drive makes this part your “fault”. He should have made the decision to leave, but instead he chose to marry you.

I dont even count the pre-marital cheating at this point, but it’s disgusting he continued that behavior during your marriage.

While it’s important for you to work on your trauma (for yourself first and then the marriage), he has already shown you he is not willing to be your shoulder to cry on when you’re working through these things. A dry spell doesn’t mean he has an excuse to stick his pecker where it doesn’t belong. That is abusive behavior at the end of the day.

You are showing your children what is acceptable in marriage. A divorce is not pleasant, but neither is watching your parents live in misery. My parents divorced and I was blessed with an amazing step dad (who I consider my father) five years later.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I know that lots of people have been through divorce and it made their situation better. But I can’t come to terms with not seeing my kids everyday. How do I get used to that idea? My daughter is only two and she is a complete mamas girl. She really wants nothing to do with my husband and I just can’t fathom only seeing them 50% of the time. I understand in 20 years they won’t want to live with me anymore, but that doesn’t help me right now. They are so little and innocent. I know that them seeing is miserable isn’t going to help either but I don’t know which is better?


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