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I met my husband seven years ago. I was a single parent of one child at the time having got out of a very abusive situation. I was very well off and comfortable and had 2 years single so thought I was on the right path. My previous relationship had ended bitterly and badly and my current husband saw what I went through on the back end of that. I had carried myself and my child through a homeless situation and built us up and we were finally on the right track. Or so I thought. I now feel like my husband saw me coming a mile off. He walked into my life with 10k debt approx. He did a very low paid job compared to me. Yet I stupidly either paid his debts off or put them in joint names, joined him to my bank account, increased loans over and over, bought a house in joint names in a different area. When we moved he did not work for the first few years hardly and he has walked out of two jobs and it took me six months to get him to consider going for a job where he works now. In the meantime I have worked way over full time hours, produced two more kids, done the majority of decorating, cleaning, housekeeping etc...while trying to support us all financially. He has had every pet he ever wanted and smoked the entire time. I also have health issues which have left me totally debilitated. The impact led me to drink more and more last year - which I have now stopped altogether. I hate seeing myself in a mirror even now - he has cleverly made everything out to be my issue - he got rid of my best friend and parents out of my life - they despise him and what he does as he takes no responsibility for anything and blames me for everything and plays the victim role. I feel isolated, trapped and like a fool - he says he will not go as its his house and patronises me constantly but pretends he doesn't know he does that, he lies, he intimidates me. I've been to therapy in the past believing my marriage failings are all my issue. Having stupidly messed up two major relationships by being led down a garden path I feel like the most useless person on the planet who is no decent influence for my kids. I am extremely lonely inside and petrified as to what to do....I can't go on living like this for years - I feel he has taken everything from me on every level - I am in massive debt - trying to sell my clothes now to get my head above water - I hate living here like this. Any support welcomed...
 

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Hi cookiedough,

I actually am in a similar situation and am just as confused. Second marriage, expecting a child, abusive past and now..present and miserable, alone, scared. Here is the advice I can give you but not myself, I suppose:

Don't mind what others think about your marriages. What would you like to tell your child when he/she is old enough. Will you teach them standing up for what is right and defending themselves, getting the love they deserve and fighting no matter the cost or number of marriages to keep away from people who want to destroy their lives or will you teach them to be fearful and stick around when someone is tearing their life down around them?

It feels miserable to wonder how you let this happen twice after thinking you learned so much from getting out of the first one. However, don't make yourself out to be the fool. You have had good intentions. Don't let the weight of 2 failed marriages crush you, YOU are more important than that.
 

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Cookie:

First step is to talk to a divorce attorney; the first visit is USUALLY *free*.

You can't fix EVERYTHING at once, all you can do is make a plan.

Where will you & children live?
  • house you're currently in
  • would your parents be willing to take you & the kids in if you're leaving H
  • smaller apartment/house

Do you have income?
  • a job
  • government assistance
  • will you qualify for child support
  • will you qualify for spousal support

Whose name are the bank accounts in?
Whose name are the debts in?
Whose name are the assets in?

If you do not currently HAVE a bank account IN YOUR NAME ONLY, then OPEN ONE UP...N-O-W!

The attorney you consult (hopefully for FREE) will be able to give you some indication of what you can expect if you file for divorce.

Get started this coming MONDAY. The sooner you get some answers, ANY ANSWERS, the sooner you will stop feeling so trapped. There IS a way out! People will HELP YOU FIGURE IT OUT and DO IT! You MUST take THE.FIRST.STEP.

Call a women's abuse hotline (you ARE being abused). They can give you recommendations, direction, help, of many different kinds.

Good luck, and keep trying for YOURSELF and for YOUR KIDS.
 
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