Joined
·
5 Posts
It's so strange how an emotional feeling can manifest into a physical feeling, meaning I now feel a very distinct hole inside my chest/stomach area now that my wife has dropped this bomb that she wants a trial separation. Even though I have family to lean on, it’s not the same. All I want is my wife. I feel so alone, so empty, so sad.
THE BACK STORY
Last week, on Wednesday, after we had a mini-argument (nothing major, just an argument) she came right out and said it. “I want a separation.”
I was floored.
Like she ripped my heart out.
Didn’t see it coming at all.
We had a long, calm, talk that night after the kids were in bed and she said she’s not in love with me any more. She loves me like a friend. Now, I know what you’re thinking. She insists there is nobody else, and I believe her 100% because she has no time to be with anyone else, as she is a busy SAHM, she actually homeschools our kids (well, our oldest just started school that very same day, coincidentally). And, although this sounds cliché, she wouldn’t do that to me and the kids - we have 2 amazing kids, ages 10 and 7, and they have no clue what it happening right now. She says we don’t talk and we pretty much live separate lives anyway. When I’m home she’s away or busy, and vice versa. Lately she’s been joining things to stay active, like paddling, exercise classes, and hockey. All of which I fully support and encourage. But she still doesn’t feel in love with me anymore. She says I’m attractive (I work out regularly, 6‘ 200 lbs.), but I guess not to her.
Ripped my heart out and stomped on it.
So I said I would leave for a few weeks to let us both think (although I really didn’t want to go, and my kids don’t understand why “work” needed me so suddenly and I need to miss their first Taekwondo tournament - I never miss their events) as it was clear she wanted time apart from me. It’s been very hard. I’ve only been gone for one week now and it’s tearing me up inside. I feel so alone, so empty, so sad. Sleeping is hard, as I lie in bed with my iphone reading this forum almost nightly now.
I know she doesn’t want to hurt me, she’s just being honest. And I can’t get mad or fault her for how she feels or doesn’t feel. It just hurts so bad, I love her so much despite us being distant lately.
We met in high school but didn’t date then. I went away to university and when I came back home to our small town of about 10,000 we started dating. We were serious quickly and moved in together. We lived together for 3 years. We married at 22 and 24. We bought a house. We had our daughter 2 years after marriage. Then our son 3 years after our daughter. I thought we were the perfect little family. People often tell us we have the perfect family. I work from home a lot, less now than before, so we are all around at lot since she home schools the kids. My income comes from online software sales and online marketing. We’ve been married for 12 years, we are now 36 (me) and 34 (her) and our 2 amazingly wonderful and smart, kind, caring children are 10 and 7.
MY TAKE ON IT
Now that I’ve had time to think and reflect, I guess it’s been coming for months and I was just too ignorant to see it. I definitely see it now. She has been cold with me for months, even rude and mean sometimes, and I didn’t know why. Just figured she was in a bad mood or whatever and moved on. But now that I think about it more, we were just coasting in our marriage and I wasn’t trying. I was comfortable. Complacent.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading here and, although it’s only been a week apart and we aren’t even really separated yet, I wanted to try the 180 steps. But they are SO HARD! How can I appear indifferent and ok with this decision when I am not? How can I appear happy and outgoing in front of her when I am so sad and broken without her? I know she doesn’t like to see men cry and she needs me to be firm and confident, but all I want is to hold her and tell her how much I love her and want her back and will do anything to get back to where we once were.
She loved me once, she can love me again (I think).
But this apparent neediness will only drive her away, I think. It’s just so damned hard! I’m trying to tell her I am ok, just hanging out with my cousins, or whatever, but the truth is that I am soo sad and feel all alone. I am hours away from her now so she can be alone with the kids, so my life is totally weird right now sleeping alone on an uncomfortably lumpy futon, when just last week I was in my bed with my wife oblivious to all of this.
Maybe I’m just an idiot to have been so blind.
We spoke a couple of days ago and she says she is fine. She sounds content. Seems to love the fact that I’m gone (and this hurts a lot, because I don’t know why she wants to be away from me so bad…I am not abusive, mean, unhealthy, rude…I don’t get it). She says she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, family, friends, whatever…she just wants to be alone. She is fine. HOW CAN SHE BE FINE WHEN I AM DEVASTATED!! But I don’t say this to her. I stay calm. Then I ask her again if she has ANY feelings for me, and she says it’s the same, I am her best friend (I shouldn’t expect much change after just a few days apart, I guess). So I ask her how she would feel if I was with another woman. She asked if I was trying to make her jealous, and I said no, but wanted to know if she would feel jealous to see if she feels anything towards me. She said of course she would be jealous…so does that mean there IS something there still?
After reading the 180 list I’ve been trying to do all the things it says, however difficult, but the one I couldn’t do was not talking to family. I have told my family and her sister (her sister is close with her and I wanted some answers). Her sister is “on my side” although there aren’t really sides as this isn’t a her-vs.-me thing, it’s just her being honest and nobody can fault her for that.
Then her dad calls me (her sister told him although I asked her not to) and says he is sorry and that he will try to “straighten her out”. He means well and obviously doesn’t want to lose me as a son-in-law. I get along great with all of her family. Her dad even offered for me to move in with him and his wife (her parents split when she was a teenager).
And when I spoke with my wife the other day, she also said that maybe I could live with her dad for a while during this separation. Isn’t that weird??? She wants me to live with her father while she has our house with the kids and all the comforts, while I “suffer”.
THINGS I DON’T UNDERSTAND
1 - If I’m her best friend why does she want to jeopardize that?
2 - If she wants me to live with her dad while we separate I am clearly still very much in the picture. What does this mean?
3- She said she would be jealous if I was with another woman (which I don’t want at all), doesn’t that mean she still has romantic feelings for me somewhere inside?
4 - If she doesn’t want a life with me, the alternative is a life with another guy, eventually, but she won’t ever find a guy that will love her the way I do, support her the way I do, and treat her like I do (obviously been neglecting her emotionally the past several months, but still, I treat her very well). I support her 100% financially and in every other way I can…I help with chores, I take the kids to their activities, etc. Her dad even told her she will never find anyone better (she says she doesn’t want anyone else, she just doesn’t want me).
There is so much more I can write here, as I want to open up and pour my heart out. But I’ll leave it as is for now. If anyone out there can relate or has some advice I would really appreciate it. I am going to the gym now and hope later today someone out in cyberspace has thrown me a lifeline.
Like I said, my family has been great and supportive but I feel they still don’t understand how devastated I really am (some of them anyway). I’d love to hear from people who can relate.
Thank you for reading,
Sad and Alone
P.S. I was going to send her the following email, but am not sure if I should since it may go against the 180 principles. Should I send this to her or will it make me seem needy and push her away?
“I've been thinking a lot about us. And I am sorry. Marriages need to be worked on and I haven't been working. I've been coasting. I needed this time to truly see that.
I'm sorry I ignored your signs.
I'm sorry I don't focus on you more.
I'm sorry you've been unhappy for so long.
I'm sorry that you feel trapped in a loveless marriage.
I'm sorry we don't talk, really talk.
I'm sorry it took this long for me to realize all of this.
Most of all...
I'm sorry I took you for granted.
I promise to try harder, work at it more, be a better person, and do whatever is necessary to try to salvage this relationship and see if there is a chance for us to find happiness together again. I am not ready to throw in the towel and want to make this work for us and for our kids. I hope you'll give me another chance.”
THE BACK STORY
Last week, on Wednesday, after we had a mini-argument (nothing major, just an argument) she came right out and said it. “I want a separation.”
I was floored.
Like she ripped my heart out.
Didn’t see it coming at all.
We had a long, calm, talk that night after the kids were in bed and she said she’s not in love with me any more. She loves me like a friend. Now, I know what you’re thinking. She insists there is nobody else, and I believe her 100% because she has no time to be with anyone else, as she is a busy SAHM, she actually homeschools our kids (well, our oldest just started school that very same day, coincidentally). And, although this sounds cliché, she wouldn’t do that to me and the kids - we have 2 amazing kids, ages 10 and 7, and they have no clue what it happening right now. She says we don’t talk and we pretty much live separate lives anyway. When I’m home she’s away or busy, and vice versa. Lately she’s been joining things to stay active, like paddling, exercise classes, and hockey. All of which I fully support and encourage. But she still doesn’t feel in love with me anymore. She says I’m attractive (I work out regularly, 6‘ 200 lbs.), but I guess not to her.
Ripped my heart out and stomped on it.
So I said I would leave for a few weeks to let us both think (although I really didn’t want to go, and my kids don’t understand why “work” needed me so suddenly and I need to miss their first Taekwondo tournament - I never miss their events) as it was clear she wanted time apart from me. It’s been very hard. I’ve only been gone for one week now and it’s tearing me up inside. I feel so alone, so empty, so sad. Sleeping is hard, as I lie in bed with my iphone reading this forum almost nightly now.
I know she doesn’t want to hurt me, she’s just being honest. And I can’t get mad or fault her for how she feels or doesn’t feel. It just hurts so bad, I love her so much despite us being distant lately.
We met in high school but didn’t date then. I went away to university and when I came back home to our small town of about 10,000 we started dating. We were serious quickly and moved in together. We lived together for 3 years. We married at 22 and 24. We bought a house. We had our daughter 2 years after marriage. Then our son 3 years after our daughter. I thought we were the perfect little family. People often tell us we have the perfect family. I work from home a lot, less now than before, so we are all around at lot since she home schools the kids. My income comes from online software sales and online marketing. We’ve been married for 12 years, we are now 36 (me) and 34 (her) and our 2 amazingly wonderful and smart, kind, caring children are 10 and 7.
MY TAKE ON IT
Now that I’ve had time to think and reflect, I guess it’s been coming for months and I was just too ignorant to see it. I definitely see it now. She has been cold with me for months, even rude and mean sometimes, and I didn’t know why. Just figured she was in a bad mood or whatever and moved on. But now that I think about it more, we were just coasting in our marriage and I wasn’t trying. I was comfortable. Complacent.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading here and, although it’s only been a week apart and we aren’t even really separated yet, I wanted to try the 180 steps. But they are SO HARD! How can I appear indifferent and ok with this decision when I am not? How can I appear happy and outgoing in front of her when I am so sad and broken without her? I know she doesn’t like to see men cry and she needs me to be firm and confident, but all I want is to hold her and tell her how much I love her and want her back and will do anything to get back to where we once were.
She loved me once, she can love me again (I think).
But this apparent neediness will only drive her away, I think. It’s just so damned hard! I’m trying to tell her I am ok, just hanging out with my cousins, or whatever, but the truth is that I am soo sad and feel all alone. I am hours away from her now so she can be alone with the kids, so my life is totally weird right now sleeping alone on an uncomfortably lumpy futon, when just last week I was in my bed with my wife oblivious to all of this.
Maybe I’m just an idiot to have been so blind.
We spoke a couple of days ago and she says she is fine. She sounds content. Seems to love the fact that I’m gone (and this hurts a lot, because I don’t know why she wants to be away from me so bad…I am not abusive, mean, unhealthy, rude…I don’t get it). She says she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, family, friends, whatever…she just wants to be alone. She is fine. HOW CAN SHE BE FINE WHEN I AM DEVASTATED!! But I don’t say this to her. I stay calm. Then I ask her again if she has ANY feelings for me, and she says it’s the same, I am her best friend (I shouldn’t expect much change after just a few days apart, I guess). So I ask her how she would feel if I was with another woman. She asked if I was trying to make her jealous, and I said no, but wanted to know if she would feel jealous to see if she feels anything towards me. She said of course she would be jealous…so does that mean there IS something there still?
After reading the 180 list I’ve been trying to do all the things it says, however difficult, but the one I couldn’t do was not talking to family. I have told my family and her sister (her sister is close with her and I wanted some answers). Her sister is “on my side” although there aren’t really sides as this isn’t a her-vs.-me thing, it’s just her being honest and nobody can fault her for that.
Then her dad calls me (her sister told him although I asked her not to) and says he is sorry and that he will try to “straighten her out”. He means well and obviously doesn’t want to lose me as a son-in-law. I get along great with all of her family. Her dad even offered for me to move in with him and his wife (her parents split when she was a teenager).
And when I spoke with my wife the other day, she also said that maybe I could live with her dad for a while during this separation. Isn’t that weird??? She wants me to live with her father while she has our house with the kids and all the comforts, while I “suffer”.
THINGS I DON’T UNDERSTAND
1 - If I’m her best friend why does she want to jeopardize that?
2 - If she wants me to live with her dad while we separate I am clearly still very much in the picture. What does this mean?
3- She said she would be jealous if I was with another woman (which I don’t want at all), doesn’t that mean she still has romantic feelings for me somewhere inside?
4 - If she doesn’t want a life with me, the alternative is a life with another guy, eventually, but she won’t ever find a guy that will love her the way I do, support her the way I do, and treat her like I do (obviously been neglecting her emotionally the past several months, but still, I treat her very well). I support her 100% financially and in every other way I can…I help with chores, I take the kids to their activities, etc. Her dad even told her she will never find anyone better (she says she doesn’t want anyone else, she just doesn’t want me).
There is so much more I can write here, as I want to open up and pour my heart out. But I’ll leave it as is for now. If anyone out there can relate or has some advice I would really appreciate it. I am going to the gym now and hope later today someone out in cyberspace has thrown me a lifeline.
Like I said, my family has been great and supportive but I feel they still don’t understand how devastated I really am (some of them anyway). I’d love to hear from people who can relate.
Thank you for reading,
Sad and Alone
P.S. I was going to send her the following email, but am not sure if I should since it may go against the 180 principles. Should I send this to her or will it make me seem needy and push her away?
“I've been thinking a lot about us. And I am sorry. Marriages need to be worked on and I haven't been working. I've been coasting. I needed this time to truly see that.
I'm sorry I ignored your signs.
I'm sorry I don't focus on you more.
I'm sorry you've been unhappy for so long.
I'm sorry that you feel trapped in a loveless marriage.
I'm sorry we don't talk, really talk.
I'm sorry it took this long for me to realize all of this.
Most of all...
I'm sorry I took you for granted.
I promise to try harder, work at it more, be a better person, and do whatever is necessary to try to salvage this relationship and see if there is a chance for us to find happiness together again. I am not ready to throw in the towel and want to make this work for us and for our kids. I hope you'll give me another chance.”