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How do your four children feel about your online additions to game and texting women, not helping at home, and as you also mentioned, not being at all chatty (to your family that is)?

I was hoping that more of the men here would point out your destructive behaviour and apparent lack of desire to change. While you readily admit a lengthy trail of fairly terrible behaviour at home, you seem enraged that a partner should ever call you out. You talk absolutely nothing, nothing at all about feelings. Your wife’s feelings, when you have damaged her heart and standing as a woman. A woman 15 years older that you discuss your sex life with?? Somebody has to tell you that’s not ok, and your wife must feel sun-human living with you. I don’t feel a scrap of love coming from your tone.

Given that you want to stay married!, let’s try to help.

Have you considered a men’s behaviour change program? Seem a psychologist? Did your teachers or parents ever mention that you had some challenges with your social skills or school work when you were younger? How’d you go with the girls throughout high school?

And the biggest question: why do you have zero male friends and all your friends are women? (You mention no male friends - this is always a glaring red flag). Most men have a crew of male friends, hobbies other than gaming, and at least engage in a sporting activity or two with their kids. And often when I ask this question, I’m interested in the answer, and often get a standard lie. It’s a story that is common. The way you come across is very young, and dare I say it, feminine in a way. There was usually a reason a man avoids male friends and they rarely admit it’s because other men are c-blockers. And there’s another reason… a latent one.


We have had posters here where similar stories have been told from the wives of gamers and ‘texters’ you know that guy, the one who has a few things going on with a few women but always has the right way of giving lots of but I never, but she was just a friend, but she this, but my wife did it too!

It sounds to me like you really are headed for divorce, and that your wife and kids have absolutely had enough. Your reactions border ok hysterical every time you have been spoken to by your wife about women you have been texting etc. At your age, you shouldn’t be reacting this way when called upon to discuss YOUR SPOUSE’S FEELINGS.

I do know of one case which was similar to yours in which the man was not only texting, but bringing around a trail of women friends for his wife to entertain. Lo and behold the classic line: ‘they were all 15-20 years older’. The wife was forbidden any male contact ‘of course I wouldn’t be cheating they’re all sooo much older!’ 🫠

His ritual was to also go online as soon as he came home on Friday night, and stay online while managing to keep the wife pregnant every few years. He too claimed the wife didn’t like working. Except the truth was, with young kids needing a parent present at home (dad online all the time, you get the picture) she couldn’t hold a job down from all the stresses of dealing with a disconnected and hysterical man who also wanted the children kept entertained, the house clean, and his hot meals.

And the kicker: she too had debt because he played a terrible game of getting hysterical every time she needed to shop for food, cloth the kids and pay bills. He kept the budget very small, and would throw tantrums if she cooked a budget meal. Had to be roast meat often. The good cuts. The lady was a waking corpse to be honest. Someone outside the family eventually called the police with concerns that she was basically being isolated and treated as a servant, and it seemed to shame him. The final straw was him cutting her off from the one distant cousin she had contact with. That’s when the family intervened. It was a close community so I’m hoping the lady is ok and that some things have changed for her. At least that she’s not as isolated. He was offered some help, I’m not aware if he followed through.

So what does the future look like for you? As a father of four children and a husband? What do you imagine your life to be in 10-20 years?
 

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Update

I would like to thank all of you for your feedback, I went with with @TooOld [B]TooOld[/B] advice and open communication. I printed the entire thread and answers, drove to the nearest Starbucks with the wife and showed her what I had posted and replies received. and yes, my thread listed issues from my standpoint and not her. we took a notebook and went over every single resentment from her side and my side.
  1. we agreed that we will not bring the past but learn from it. if it gets hard in the future we cant just pint fingers and say you did this and that 10+ years ago. we signed and dated as a reminder for both us
  2. we discussed out wants and needs - and what we dont like and like - signed and dated
  3. we said sorry - and never going to happen again
  4. I was clear and Firm that this is going to be the last time - searching, adding, following an ex is a redline and next time that happens I'm done, I will be going to a destructive/Exist mode without even talking to her. we agreed, she promised - we both signed and dated our notes
  5. we will find a marriage counselor to help us out and show him/her what we started with .
thank you everyone - I will let you guys know when the session with marriage counselor is scheduled and what were the outcomes.
During any of these discussions and plans, you mention mostly your standpoint, your boundaries, making her sign things and how you will punish her if she crosses them. (Do bring this up to the counsellor!). She also made you sign, and was clear on the consequences for you?

Has the appointment been made for the counsellor? Let us know when you have booked it. Would be great to hear who you found and how your first discussion on the phone went during your booking.
 

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Dear blackclover3,

What a wonderful update. I commend you and your wife for taking these steps. I don't post very often, but your posts spoke to me and I am glad you found them helpful.

Remember, these steps are not a point solution, but a continuous process.

Obviously on a forum like this we read what is on your mind, did your wife's view of the marriage and its issues match anything posted?

Keep up the good work and come back for encouragement anytime.
 
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