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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Gang

I'm sorry for my typos and broken sentences, I'm between flights and wanted help and feedback

been married to my wife 15 years and blessed with 4 beautiful kids - before we met she was dating this abusive guy (who moved back to his country overseas and never came back) who even called her a ***** in front of his friends.

we had a rocky relationship the first half of our marriage - we were young and stupid but we never cheated on each others.

I worked hard why she stayed home because she didn't want to finish college and wanted to have kids - I was ok with that despite helping her and paying for her college the first couple years.

Worked two jobs, completed two masters and Phd while traveling as consultant - studying and doing my research between flights and after work. all that while married with kids

she accused me of cheating - and I don't blame her and tried so many times to deny it because nothing happened:
  1. -12 years ago - I was talking to a female friend that I work with about our life and talked about our sex life ( Nothing sexual at all) mostly what we are struggling with and what we like and relationship difficulties. that lady is 15-20 years older than me - my wife caught the message and I freaked out (not sure why)
  2. -10 years ago - I never hid anything from my social media or my texts because hiding means Im doing something wrong - I get a new job and found a friend of my sisters when we were young that work in the same company, I've been trying to move up - I sent her a message (again i never delete) asking her to have a coffee during work - I needed help to move to her department. my wife caught it and said why the hell I message her - this is cheating
  3. -9 years ago- she found a number for a girl I met at a dealership (The girl flirted with me and given me her number) - I never called her, never texted her. but like idiot didnt through the small piece of paper. I admit I liked that someone was interested in me. again she said that is cheating
  4. Lastly, I dont even have time to chat, cheat or have an affair - work work, no friends or guys night outs, no bars since I dont drink. nothing of that.
what I found out about her
  1. 2 Years ago - I found in her search history her ex name - she didnt add or emailed or communicated with any guy - I'm any IT guy and know how to look. I raised hell about the disrespect and looking for an ex ( I consider cheating). she got the message and we moved on.
  2. This year in May -I got into gaming - away for me to cope with the job and life stress and became a mechanism for me to stop thinking about work. my gaming became addiction - after work couple hours - on weekend couple hours etc. my wife tried everything to stop me - and her last resort she said if you dont stop she will start talking to guys to give her some attention. I did slow down, I cut my gaming by half but still gamed couple hours on the weekend but didnt completely stop - one weekend early Saturday she found me going to my office then completely stopped talking to me - she got glued to her phone for couple weeks - I had feeling what she was doing
    1. Middle of May - she created an account on a dating app and chatted to about 5 guys in our area - i found out by going through her phone after she went to sleep - nothing sexual and nothing out of line - and she made it clear to every guy in the chat that she is here to fulfil a promise made to her husband that if he didnt stop gaming she will talk to other guys - and she made it clear that she is not here for hooks up or dating - except one chat window in the app with this guy that I felt she got a little connection with him - like asking him how is his day - i was thinking about you etc.. - I got made, angry and woke her up in the middle of the night screaming and yelling - she freaked out and didnt know whats happening and i pushed her hard and called her some names - (until this day and moment I regret what I had done - and the first couple of weeks after finding out i was crying to her every time I look at her for what I've had done - I never pushed a woman or was physical to anyone in my life) ------ she saw me crushed - she felt my pain and what she had done - I know she felt remorseful and regret it - I don't think she ever saw me in a pain like that since we got married.
    2. End of May - we talked got over it and moved on - and I told her that I trust her - I dont care she has social media and I don't care if she follow people, celebrities' or trainer (she is into working out) as long as they are not an Ex or you are chatting with I'm ok - I do the same - I follow celebrities' model, trainer etc I dont talk to any or message. I have open phone policy and she has access to my phone
Present Day this week

I get into her phone to replace the sim card since we moved carriers - I look at her phone and social media just to be sure and guess what - I found she followed the same Ex since August on linkedin - she doesn't have photos or anything on her profile - and they didnt add each others - he is not following her - Just her following him.

I got very angry and took couple of days to think - I felt disrespect it - what she is seeing in him? a guy who called her a ***** in front of his friends - why she would follow such a person - yah may be he is a better looking. I told myself why do I even need to feel jealous, he is not worth it to cause a drift between me and my wife or my family.

yesterday, i decide to let her know that what I found - and honestly I wanted to brush it off - an apology was going to be ok then move on - this is what got me concerned and angrier
  1. she denied ever creating an account
  2. she denied following him - i was watching her emails and done an audit (again IT guy) I know she deleted all email notification (every time he post on linkedin he gets email notification - thats how the app works) she only deleted emails when she sensed im going through her phone
  3. this is the conversation we had, see below
Not copying everything in chat - when I confronted her - she denied until I showed her screenshot - I didnt copy and paste everything - it could take more pages

Wife: "Following isn't as serious as chatting right"
Wife: "Maybe stop being so sneaky because playing games ruined relationships and start trusting me? Or maybe you can't do that coz play with your tail and thinks everyone else does?" >>> Im sneaking for spying on her phone


here I show her screenshots

Wife: "Yes. I don't see anything wrong with that" >>> this is when I lost it, if she said im sorry I would moved on and said may be she wants to make sure how better she has it - but her answer then asking me to trust her - this is a cheaters behavior

Wife: " I don't even remember when and I don't even keep up with updates"
>>> she means Linedin Updates
Me: nothing wrong with following the people I had ****?

Wife: Oh you've chatted with the Indian girl who's in England. And few others I lost track >>>(14 years ago - a friend I known for a long time and I never met in person)

Wife: "Nope. You followed and chatted with exes. Now that's wrong" >>> I swear to god I never did - i consider following an Ex on social media even looking for their names very disrespectful and will never do that.

Wife: You're the best at thag

Me: " I never chatted with anyone, I never created account or followed ex - yes I admit 14 years ago I talked about our sex life to a female a long time friend - 20 years my age because I had no friends"

Wife: "Remember what lead me to making that profile and chat with guys? (she means ignoring her and spend time online games) This is just another similar situation. So if we're gonna point fingers or start blaming we should start with u, Making ppl lose their **** with ur ****ed up behavior and personality". >>>> Not sure what Similar situation here - the past few days before finding out we havent been talking because of an argument - my fault first then her fault - but I apologized and tried to make it right

Wife:"
1. I do not talk to my ex
2. I followed him that same time and I don't even remember coz I don't even go on LinkedIn" >>>> she uses linkedin because i saw her loging before to linkedin and applying for jobs

Wife:" Listen. I'm not sorry for tresting like this. Because you've done worse. I'm sorry for myself for allowing myself to do these things. You make me behave so badly. I'm tired of being sad mad and all the negative things that I don't wanna be"

Wife: "I could careless about this Ex. He means **** to me and I don't even remember who the **** he is. He's in the past. Some dark memory long forgotten about."


she always bring divorce and we need to get divorce every time we have a big fight - but we dont - her way of being angry is I want divorce - she knows she cant survive if she gets divorced - never held a job in her life or since we got married - sometimes work part time then stops because she hates working and go back to be stay home mom.

My Behavior
I'm not perfect and I could be better to bring myself to be the perfect husband - I dont help much in the house - I work from 6am to 6pm - and worked the entire time we were married - while she also worked a tough job staying home and raising kids, something I could never do. I'm not chatty nor I express my feelings well for many reasons but I'm not here to say negative things how my wife put me to behave like that entire marriage

Financially

  1. we are extremely financially well - I love my wife and I know she has love for me
  2. My wife never have to work for money - big house - new cars
  3. We travel every summer over seas on vacation
  4. everything they want I get it - toys - computers - furniture
  5. my wife started working full time just about couple of months ago to pay off a credit card ( I found out about - she lied about having a balance - because I dont like using credit cards) I asked her to continue working until she pays it off. she keeps asking to stop working and go back to being stay home mom - she hates being a full time in ladies only facility as a manager. she said she is paying credit card off then stop working.

after that incident from two days ago - I told her Im moving to other room - im doing a 180 - people might see it as a series following an ex - I wasnt going to take it series despite hurting me - but the lies, denying and answers that I've seen on similar post mimic a behavior of a cheater..

Until this moment -according to her, it is my fault I started it first my cheating 14 ( I never cheated, nor dated, no met anyone face to face)


 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I am going to be very blunt. The issue is not following her ex, but the apparent lack of respect you show for each other. If you asked her to accept your explanations for the various incidents you outline, she is asking you to do the same. I gather from your post that the ex still lives in another country and but for the "following" there has been no other contact. If those points are correct then the tone and exchange between you and your wife really are about the state of your relationship.

Over and over I read about putative adult men and their gaming habits destroying their marriage - the breakdown of the relationship or her cheating. Playing a game now and then if fine, but the very nature of gaming triggers addictive behavior's which interferes with real life. Over the course of my 42 year marriage when my wife says something I am doing is bothering her I listen, we discuss it and I change my behavior to the extent possible to improve the situation. She does the same thing for me. If you need an escape go for a walk for 30 minutes and take her with you if you can. You present an interesting situation, many wives don't give their husbands such an explicit warning of the consequence of their husband's behavior. They just silently seethe and than act out. Wrongly or rightly your wife feels disrespected and I can tell from the tone of your post, so do you. What are you going to do about that? Doing the 180 is not the answer. Honest communication is.

You posted in an infidelity forum, so you are going to get a lot of advice about infidelity. I suggest reposting in the Success in Long Term Relationship forum and get some advice. What you have posted thus far is two immature people acting out tit-for-tat. I looked at your earlier threads and this one echoes the same issues you brought up about heart emoji's. Do you really want to divorce your wife? Are you looking for an excuse, based on this an earlier your threads it sure sounds like it? If so stop manufacturing justifications to make her look like the bad guy for your desire to divorce, tell her the truth and do it. You said you have four beautiful children, when they ask why you got divorced are you going to tell them it was because their mother followed an ex on LinkedIn in another country she hadn't seen years? Really??? Forget the 180 and get some marital counseling, learn how to communicate. Heck, start with Love Languages, do anything, something to improve the relationship. You owe it to your children, if doesn't help then be honest with your wife about what you really want.
you nailed it on everything you said

yes the ex in another country - I'm being angry because I had asked her that Ex is red line. we had a heart to heart talk when she tried to hurt me by talking to other guys online. I thought we passed it

no Im not going to divorce because of that - and I will not step toward that direction. All I want is to make sure she is sorry and ensure this will never going to happen again - is that too much to ask?

yes I agree we need marriage counseling
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Update

I would like to thank all of you for your feedback, I went with with @TooOld [B]TooOld[/B] advice and open communication. I printed the entire thread and answers, drove to the nearest Starbucks with the wife and showed her what I had posted and replies received. and yes, my thread listed issues from my standpoint and not her. we took a notebook and went over every single resentment from her side and my side.
  1. we agreed that we will not bring the past but learn from it. if it gets hard in the future we cant just pint fingers and say you did this and that 10+ years ago. we signed and dated as a reminder for both us
  2. we discussed out wants and needs - and what we dont like and like - signed and dated
  3. we said sorry - and never going to happen again
  4. I was clear and Firm that this is going to be the last time - searching, adding, following an ex is a redline and next time that happens I'm done, I will be going to a destructive/Exist mode without even talking to her. we agreed, she promised - we both signed and dated our notes
  5. we will find a marriage counselor to help us out and show him/her what we started with .
thank you everyone - I will let you guys know when the session with marriage counselor is scheduled and what were the outcomes.
 
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