[blackclover3]

Hi Gang

I'm sorry for my typos and broken sentences, I'm between flights and wanted help and feedback

been married to my wife 15 years and blessed with 4 beautiful kids - before we met she was dating this abusive guy (who moved back to his country overseas and never came back) who even called her a ***** in front of his friends.

we had a rocky relationship the first half of our marriage - we were young and stupid but we never cheated on each others.

I worked hard why she stayed home because she didn't want to finish college and wanted to have kids - I was ok with that despite helping her and paying for her college the first couple years.

Worked two jobs, completed two masters and Phd while traveling as consultant - studying and doing my research between flights and after work. all that while married with kids

she accused me of cheating - and I don't blame her and tried so many times to deny it because nothing happened:

1. -12 years ago - I was talking to a female friend that I work with about our life and talked about our sex life ( Nothing sexual at all) mostly what we are struggling with and what we like and relationship difficulties. that lady is 15-20 years older than me - my wife caught the message and I freaked out (not sure why)
2. -10 years ago - I never hid anything from my social media or my texts because hiding means Im doing something wrong - I get a new job and found a friend of my sisters when we were young that work in the same company, I've been trying to move up - I sent her a message (again i never delete) asking her to have a coffee during work - I needed help to move to her department. my wife caught it and said why the hell I message her - this is cheating
3. -9 years ago- she found a number for a girl I met at a dealership (The girl flirted with me and given me her number) - I never called her, never texted her. but like idiot didnt through the small piece of paper. I admit I liked that someone was interested in me. again she said that is cheating
4. Lastly, I dont even have time to chat, cheat or have an affair - work work, no friends or guys night outs, no bars since I dont drink. nothing of that.

what I found out about her

1. 2 Years ago - I found in her search history her ex name - she didnt add or emailed or communicated with any guy - I'm any IT guy and know how to look. I raised hell about the disrespect and looking for an ex ( I consider cheating). she got the message and we moved on.
2. This year in May -I got into gaming - away for me to cope with the job and life stress and became a mechanism for me to stop thinking about work. my gaming became addiction - after work couple hours - on weekend couple hours etc. my wife tried everything to stop me - and her last resort she said if you dont stop she will start talking to guys to give her some attention. I did slow down, I cut my gaming by half but still gamed couple hours on the weekend but didnt completely stop - one weekend early Saturday she found me going to my office then completely stopped talking to me - she got glued to her phone for couple weeks - I had feeling what she was doing
   1. Middle of May - she created an account on a dating app and chatted to about 5 guys in our area - i found out by going through her phone after she went to sleep - nothing sexual and nothing out of line - and she made it clear to every guy in the chat that she is here to fulfil a promise made to her husband that if he didnt stop gaming she will talk to other guys - and she made it clear that she is not here for hooks up or dating - except one chat window in the app with this guy that I felt she got a little connection with him - like asking him how is his day - i was thinking about you etc.. - I got made, angry and woke her up in the middle of the night screaming and yelling - she freaked out and didnt know whats happening and i pushed her hard and called her some names - (until this day and moment I regret what I had done - and the first couple of weeks after finding out i was crying to her every time I look at her for what I've had done - I never pushed a woman or was physical to anyone in my life) ------ she saw me crushed - she felt my pain and what she had done - I know she felt remorseful and regret it - I don't think she ever saw me in a pain like that since we got married.
   2. End of May - we talked got over it and moved on - and I told her that I trust her - I dont care she has social media and I don't care if she follow people, celebrities' or trainer (she is into working out) as long as they are not an Ex or you are chatting with I'm ok - I do the same - I follow celebrities' model, trainer etc I dont talk to any or message. I have open phone policy and she has access to my phone

Present Day this week

I get into her phone to replace the sim card since we moved carriers - I look at her phone and social media just to be sure and guess what - I found she followed the same Ex since August on linkedin - she doesn't have photos or anything on her profile - and they didnt add each others - he is not following her - Just her following him.

I got very angry and took couple of days to think - I felt disrespect it - what she is seeing in him? a guy who called her a ***** in front of his friends - why she would follow such a person - yah may be he is a better looking. I told myself why do I even need to feel jealous, he is not worth it to cause a drift between me and my wife or my family.

yesterday, i decide to let her know that what I found - and honestly I wanted to brush it off - an apology was going to be ok then move on - this is what got me concerned and angrier

1. she denied ever creating an account
2. she denied following him - i was watching her emails and done an audit (again IT guy) I know she deleted all email notification (every time he post on linkedin he gets email notification - thats how the app works) she only deleted emails when she sensed im going through her phone
3. this is the conversation we had, see below

Not copying everything in chat - when I confronted her - she denied until I showed her screenshot - I didnt copy and paste everything - it could take more pages

Wife: "Following isn't as serious as chatting right"
Wife: "Maybe stop being so sneaky because playing games ruined relationships and start trusting me? Or maybe you can't do that coz play with your tail and thinks everyone else does?" >>> Im sneaking for spying on her phone

here I show her screenshots

Wife: "Yes. I don't see anything wrong with that" >>> this is when I lost it, if she said im sorry I would moved on and said may be she wants to make sure how better she has it - but her answer then asking me to trust her - this is a cheaters behavior

Wife: " I don't even remember when and I don't even keep up with updates" >>> she means Linedin Updates
Me: nothing wrong with following the people I had ****?

Wife: Oh you've chatted with the Indian girl who's in England. And few others I lost track >>>(14 years ago - a friend I known for a long time and I never met in person)

Wife: "Nope. You followed and chatted with exes. Now that's wrong" >>> I swear to god I never did - i consider following an Ex on social media even looking for their names very disrespectful and will never do that.

Wife: You're the best at thag

Me: " I never chatted with anyone, I never created account or followed ex - yes I admit 14 years ago I talked about our sex life to a female a long time friend - 20 years my age because I had no friends"

Wife: "Remember what lead me to making that profile and chat with guys? (she means ignoring her and spend time online games) This is just another similar situation. So if we're gonna point fingers or start blaming we should start with u, Making ppl lose their **** with ur ****ed up behavior and personality". >>>> Not sure what Similar situation here - the past few days before finding out we havent been talking because of an argument - my fault first then her fault - but I apologized and tried to make it right

Wife:"
1. I do not talk to my ex
2. I followed him that same time and I don't even remember coz I don't even go on LinkedIn" >>>> she uses linkedin because i saw her loging before to linkedin and applying for jobs

Wife:" Listen. I'm not sorry for tresting like this. Because you've done worse. I'm sorry for myself for allowing myself to do these things. You make me behave so badly. I'm tired of being sad mad and all the negative things that I don't wanna be"

Wife: "I could careless about this Ex. He means **** to me and I don't even remember who the **** he is. He's in the past. Some dark memory long forgotten about."

she always bring divorce and we need to get divorce every time we have a big fight - but we dont - her way of being angry is I want divorce - she knows she cant survive if she gets divorced - never held a job in her life or since we got married - sometimes work part time then stops because she hates working and go back to be stay home mom.

My Behavior
I'm not perfect and I could be better to bring myself to be the perfect husband - I dont help much in the house - I work from 6am to 6pm - and worked the entire time we were married - while she also worked a tough job staying home and raising kids, something I could never do. I'm not chatty nor I express my feelings well for many reasons but I'm not here to say negative things how my wife put me to behave like that entire marriage

Financially

1. we are extremely financially well - I love my wife and I know she has love for me
2. My wife never have to work for money - big house - new cars
3. We travel every summer over seas on vacation
4. everything they want I get it - toys - computers - furniture
5. my wife started working full time just about couple of months ago to pay off a credit card ( I found out about - she lied about having a balance - because I dont like using credit cards) I asked her to continue working until she pays it off. she keeps asking to stop working and go back to being stay home mom - she hates being a full time in ladies only facility as a manager. she said she is paying credit card off then stop working.

after that incident from two days ago - I told her Im moving to other room - im doing a 180 - people might see it as a series following an ex - I wasnt going to take it series despite hurting me - but the lies, denying and answers that I've seen on similar post mimic a behavior of a cheater..

Until this moment -according to her, it is my fault I started it first my cheating 14 ( I never cheated, nor dated, no met anyone face to face)

 

[Divinely Favored]

She said you caused me to be bad...cheater script. She has issues. If she did not have unresolved issues with other guy, she would not be following him. That behavior is a hard line in my book. No contact with ex partners unless a child is involved. If she keeps throwing the divorce threat, go get the papers done up and next time she threatens, go get them and come back into bedroom and say sign right here.

 

[Mr.Married]

Y’all sound like two children living together as adults. She still thinks about her ex for sure. There is something she was getting in her old relationship that she isn’t getting now and that’s why she keeps looking back. You are competing with a relationship that had more freedom and no overshadow of children. Hard to compete with freedom. If he was the alpha a-hole dominant type he was probably nailing that a$$ real well…. not to mention you said he is better looking

She is hard core domesticated with 4 kids now ….. she probably has the itch real bad.

 

[bygone]

do you have a plan?

Will you apologize and forget everything

this woman has been accusing you of cheating on her for years

you haven't taken the time to get therapy somewhere in your relationship

you didn't try to talk about the problems

now you left the room and you don't know what will happen

see a lawyer or therapist

Or let her flirt by blaming each other and you stay at the top of your game

 

[Gabriel]

Your marriage has no trust and is full of resentment.

That's my take.

 

[TooOld]

I am going to be very blunt. The issue is not following her ex, but the apparent lack of respect you show for each other. If you asked her to accept your explanations for the various incidents you outline, she is asking you to do the same. I gather from your post that the ex still lives in another country and but for the "following" there has been no other contact. If those points are correct then the tone and exchange between you and your wife really are about the state of your relationship.

Over and over I read about putative adult men and their gaming habits destroying their marriage - the breakdown of the relationship or her cheating. Playing a game now and then if fine, but the very nature of gaming triggers addictive behavior's which interferes with real life. Over the course of my 42 year marriage when my wife says something I am doing is bothering her I listen, we discuss it and I change my behavior to the extent possible to improve the situation. She does the same thing for me. If you need an escape go for a walk for 30 minutes and take her with you if you can. You present an interesting situation, many wives don't give their husbands such an explicit warning of the consequence of their husband's behavior. They just silently seethe and than act out. Wrongly or rightly your wife feels disrespected and I can tell from the tone of your post, so do you. What are you going to do about that? Doing the 180 is not the answer. Honest communication is.

You posted in an infidelity forum, so you are going to get a lot of advice about infidelity. I suggest reposting in the Success in Long Term Relationship forum and get some advice. What you have posted thus far is two immature people acting out tit-for-tat. I looked at your earlier threads and this one echoes the same issues you brought up about heart emoji's. Do you really want to divorce your wife? Are you looking for an excuse, based on this an earlier your threads it sure sounds like it? If so stop manufacturing justifications to make her look like the bad guy for your desire to divorce, tell her the truth and do it. You said you have four beautiful children, when they ask why you got divorced are you going to tell them it was because their mother followed an ex on LinkedIn in another country she hadn't seen years? Really??? Forget the 180 and get some marital counseling, learn how to communicate. Heck, start with Love Languages, do anything, something to improve the relationship. You owe it to your children, if doesn't help then be honest with your wife about what you really want.

 

[blackclover3]

Your marriage has no trust and is full of resentment.

That's my take.

what should I do?

 

[Gabriel]

what should I do?

I suggest counseling. Not about this particular incident. This is just a symptom of what is wrong in your marriage. Neither of you trust each other, and you both carry grudges. Why?

Maybe (guessing) you resent the fact you've carried her financially. And maybe, you talking about sex with a female outside of the marriage did some permanent damage (and you being gone a lot for work perhaps creates resentment on her end). I don't know, but I'd start by addressing the WHY. Why is there no trust. Why is there resentment. Work that out with a therapist. Don't get into the blame game yet about accounts, chatting, texting, etc. If you trusted each other and resolved the resentment issues, the rest would probably go away.

 

[blackclover3]

I am going to be very blunt. The issue is not following her ex, but the apparent lack of respect you show for each other. If you asked her to accept your explanations for the various incidents you outline, she is asking you to do the same. I gather from your post that the ex still lives in another country and but for the "following" there has been no other contact. If those points are correct then the tone and exchange between you and your wife really are about the state of your relationship.

Over and over I read about putative adult men and their gaming habits destroying their marriage - the breakdown of the relationship or her cheating. Playing a game now and then if fine, but the very nature of gaming triggers addictive behavior's which interferes with real life. Over the course of my 42 year marriage when my wife says something I am doing is bothering her I listen, we discuss it and I change my behavior to the extent possible to improve the situation. She does the same thing for me. If you need an escape go for a walk for 30 minutes and take her with you if you can. You present an interesting situation, many wives don't give their husbands such an explicit warning of the consequence of their husband's behavior. They just silently seethe and than act out. Wrongly or rightly your wife feels disrespected and I can tell from the tone of your post, so do you. What are you going to do about that? Doing the 180 is not the answer. Honest communication is.

You posted in an infidelity forum, so you are going to get a lot of advice about infidelity. I suggest reposting in the Success in Long Term Relationship forum and get some advice. What you have posted thus far is two immature people acting out tit-for-tat. I looked at your earlier threads and this one echoes the same issues you brought up about heart emoji's. Do you really want to divorce your wife? Are you looking for an excuse, based on this an earlier your threads it sure sounds like it? If so stop manufacturing justifications to make her look like the bad guy for your desire to divorce, tell her the truth and do it. You said you have four beautiful children, when they ask why you got divorced are you going to tell them it was because their mother followed an ex on LinkedIn in another country she hadn't seen years? Really??? Forget the 180 and get some marital counseling, learn how to communicate. Heck, start with Love Languages, do anything, something to improve the relationship. You owe it to your children, if doesn't help then be honest with your wife about what you really want.

you nailed it on everything you said

yes the ex in another country - I'm being angry because I had asked her that Ex is red line. we had a heart to heart talk when she tried to hurt me by talking to other guys online. I thought we passed it

no Im not going to divorce because of that - and I will not step toward that direction. All I want is to make sure she is sorry and ensure this will never going to happen again - is that too much to ask?

yes I agree we need marriage counseling

 

[DamianDamian]

Grow some balls, divorce. Don't flash your money around to get a woman or else you'll end up with a prostitute.

 

[Rubix Cubed]

All I want is to make sure she is sorry and ensure this will never going to happen again - is that too much to ask?

She uses cheating on you as leverage to try to get you to stop playing video games?
This will happen again and probably be stepped up in severity every time she starts to feel like you aren't paying attention to her. With that mindset, you don't have much to work with with her. That's a pretty cavalier take on cheating. As previously suggested the next time she says she wants a divorce hand her the papers.

 

[BeyondRepair007]

All I want is to make sure she is sorry and ensure this will never going to happen again - is that too much to ask?

Yes, that is too much to ask. Don't try to make her feel sorry for anything.

You need to ask why she is even thinking of chatting or following other men in the first place.

You need to ask why you even consider chatting or following other women in the first place.

Both of you are acting like marriage is not really a lifelong commitment to each other rather than a commitment your horny desires for some strange. Both of you.

I agree with @Gabriel If you want a snowballs chance in hell of making this work, then marriage counseling. You need to learn how to be a real husband, and she needs learn to be a wife.

That text exchange you posted? If my wife talked to me like that I'd be single. Massive disrespect. But you talk right back to her the same way I would bet. If I talked to my wife like that...she'd be gone.

Counseling. Lots of it.
If you don't fix this...mark my words, your marriage is over whether you want it to be or not.

 

[ABHale]

Bud this is not working out. Your wife has had inappropriate relationships in the past that you have posted on here.

She doesn’t love you. You are her checkbook. That is all. Tell her not to quit her job because she is going to be needing it to live on.

 

[Luckylucky]

what should I do?

Stop trying to date other women. I mean it.

And then deflecting that back to her, finding an ‘ah ha! Caught you cheating too!’ and then trying to find faults so you can deny you like being friendly with other women.

 

[gameopoly5]

Hi Gang

I'm sorry for my typos and broken sentences, I'm between flights and wanted help and feedback

been married to my wife 15 years and blessed with 4 beautiful kids - before we met she was dating this abusive guy (who moved back to his country overseas and never came back) who even called her a * in front of his friends.

we had a rocky relationship the first half of our marriage - we were young and stupid but we never cheated on each others.

I worked hard why she stayed home because she didn't want to finish college and wanted to have kids - I was ok with that despite helping her and paying for her college the first couple years.

Worked two jobs, completed two masters and Phd while traveling as consultant - studying and doing my research between flights and after work. all that while married with kids

she accused me of cheating - and I don't blame her and tried so many times to deny it because nothing happened:

1. -12 years ago - I was talking to a female friend that I work with about our life and talked about our sex life ( Nothing sexual at all) mostly what we are struggling with and what we like and relationship difficulties. that lady is 15-20 years older than me - my wife caught the message and I freaked out (not sure why)
2. -10 years ago - I never hid anything from my social media or my texts because hiding means Im doing something wrong - I get a new job and found a friend of my sisters when we were young that work in the same company, I've been trying to move up - I sent her a message (again i never delete) asking her to have a coffee during work - I needed help to move to her department. my wife caught it and said why the hell I message her - this is cheating
3. -9 years ago- she found a number for a girl I met at a dealership (The girl flirted with me and given me her number) - I never called her, never texted her. but like idiot didnt through the small piece of paper. I admit I liked that someone was interested in me. again she said that is cheating
4. Lastly, I dont even have time to chat, cheat or have an affair - work work, no friends or guys night outs, no bars since I dont drink. nothing of that.

what I found out about her

1. 2 Years ago - I found in her search history her ex name - she didnt add or emailed or communicated with any guy - I'm any IT guy and know how to look. I raised hell about the disrespect and looking for an ex ( I consider cheating). she got the message and we moved on.
2. This year in May -I got into gaming - away for me to cope with the job and life stress and became a mechanism for me to stop thinking about work. my gaming became addiction - after work couple hours - on weekend couple hours etc. my wife tried everything to stop me - and her last resort she said if you dont stop she will start talking to guys to give her some attention. I did slow down, I cut my gaming by half but still gamed couple hours on the weekend but didnt completely stop - one weekend early Saturday she found me going to my office then completely stopped talking to me - she got glued to her phone for couple weeks - I had feeling what she was doing
   1. Middle of May - she created an account on a dating app and chatted to about 5 guys in our area - i found out by going through her phone after she went to sleep - nothing sexual and nothing out of line - and she made it clear to every guy in the chat that she is here to fulfil a promise made to her husband that if he didnt stop gaming she will talk to other guys - and she made it clear that she is not here for hooks up or dating - except one chat window in the app with this guy that I felt she got a little connection with him - like asking him how is his day - i was thinking about you etc.. - I got made, angry and woke her up in the middle of the night screaming and yelling - she freaked out and didnt know whats happening and i pushed her hard and called her some names - (until this day and moment I regret what I had done - and the first couple of weeks after finding out i was crying to her every time I look at her for what I've had done - I never pushed a woman or was physical to anyone in my life) ------ she saw me crushed - she felt my pain and what she had done - I know she felt remorseful and regret it - I don't think she ever saw me in a pain like that since we got married.
   2. End of May - we talked got over it and moved on - and I told her that I trust her - I dont care she has social media and I don't care if she follow people, celebrities' or trainer (she is into working out) as long as they are not an Ex or you are chatting with I'm ok - I do the same - I follow celebrities' model, trainer etc I dont talk to any or message. I have open phone policy and she has access to my phone

Present Day this week

I get into her phone to replace the sim card since we moved carriers - I look at her phone and social media just to be sure and guess what - I found she followed the same Ex since August on linkedin - she doesn't have photos or anything on her profile - and they didnt add each others - he is not following her - Just her following him.

I got very angry and took couple of days to think - I felt disrespect it - what she is seeing in him? a guy who called her a * in front of his friends - why she would follow such a person - yah may be he is a better looking. I told myself why do I even need to feel jealous, he is not worth it to cause a drift between me and my wife or my family.

yesterday, i decide to let her know that what I found - and honestly I wanted to brush it off - an apology was going to be ok then move on - this is what got me concerned and angrier

1. she denied ever creating an account
2. she denied following him - i was watching her emails and done an audit (again IT guy) I know she deleted all email notification (every time he post on linkedin he gets email notification - thats how the app works) she only deleted emails when she sensed im going through her phone
3. this is the conversation we had, see below

Not copying everything in chat - when I confronted her - she denied until I showed her screenshot - I didnt copy and paste everything - it could take more pages

Wife: "Following isn't as serious as chatting right"
Wife: "Maybe stop being so sneaky because playing games ruined relationships and start trusting me? Or maybe you can't do that coz play with your tail and thinks everyone else does?" >>> Im sneaking for spying on her phone

here I show her screenshots

Wife: "Yes. I don't see anything wrong with that" >>> this is when I lost it, if she said im sorry I would moved on and said may be she wants to make sure how better she has it - but her answer then asking me to trust her - this is a cheaters behavior

Wife: " I don't even remember when and I don't even keep up with updates" >>> she means Linedin Updates
Me: nothing wrong with following the people I had ****?

Wife: Oh you've chatted with the Indian girl who's in England. And few others I lost track >>>(14 years ago - a friend I known for a long time and I never met in person)

Wife: "Nope. You followed and chatted with exes. Now that's wrong" >>> I swear to god I never did - i consider following an Ex on social media even looking for their names very disrespectful and will never do that.

Wife: You're the best at thag

Me: " I never chatted with anyone, I never created account or followed ex - yes I admit 14 years ago I talked about our sex life to a female a long time friend - 20 years my age because I had no friends"

Wife: "Remember what lead me to making that profile and chat with guys? (she means ignoring her and spend time online games) This is just another similar situation. So if we're gonna point fingers or start blaming we should start with u, Making ppl lose their **** with ur ****ed up behavior and personality". >>>> Not sure what Similar situation here - the past few days before finding out we havent been talking because of an argument - my fault first then her fault - but I apologized and tried to make it right

Wife:"
1. I do not talk to my ex
2. I followed him that same time and I don't even remember coz I don't even go on LinkedIn" >>>> she uses linkedin because i saw her loging before to linkedin and applying for jobs

Wife:" Listen. I'm not sorry for tresting like this. Because you've done worse. I'm sorry for myself for allowing myself to do these things. You make me behave so badly. I'm tired of being sad mad and all the negative things that I don't wanna be"

Wife: "I could careless about this Ex. He means ** to me and I don't even remember who the ** he is. He's in the past. Some dark memory long forgotten about."

she always bring divorce and we need to get divorce every time we have a big fight - but we dont - her way of being angry is I want divorce - she knows she cant survive if she gets divorced - never held a job in her life or since we got married - sometimes work part time then stops because she hates working and go back to be stay home mom.

My Behavior
I'm not perfect and I could be better to bring myself to be the perfect husband - I dont help much in the house - I work from 6am to 6pm - and worked the entire time we were married - while she also worked a tough job staying home and raising kids, something I could never do. I'm not chatty nor I express my feelings well for many reasons but I'm not here to say negative things how my wife put me to behave like that entire marriage

Financially

1. we are extremely financially well - I love my wife and I know she has love for me
2. My wife never have to work for money - big house - new cars
3. We travel every summer over seas on vacation
4. everything they want I get it - toys - computers - furniture
5. my wife started working full time just about couple of months ago to pay off a credit card ( I found out about - she lied about having a balance - because I dont like using credit cards) I asked her to continue working until she pays it off. she keeps asking to stop working and go back to being stay home mom - she hates being a full time in ladies only facility as a manager. she said she is paying credit card off then stop working.

after that incident from two days ago - I told her Im moving to other room - im doing a 180 - people might see it as a series following an ex - I wasnt going to take it series despite hurting me - but the lies, denying and answers that I've seen on similar post mimic a behavior of a cheater..

Until this moment -according to her, it is my fault I started it first my cheating 14 ( I never cheated, nor dated, no met anyone face to face)

11 years ago I caught my BiL`s wife on dating sites and on social media chatting with other guys, she was even telling guys she does cam.
She looked hardly recognisable on there, ultra low cut dress with everything hanging out, lots of makeup and she too was regularly working out at a gym.
I grabbed the evidence, showed it to my BiL, my wife and other BiLs. Her husband done nothing although we all warned him.
Guess what, 5 months later she met an Australian guy on Tagged.com, left her husband, filed for divorce, married the Australian guy and now lives in Australia, we are in Thailand.
I can tell you from experience your wife is putting feelers out for a plan B, but don`t believe me at your peril.
What to do:
First, say no more to your wife otherwise she`ll start covering up even more.
Next, grab all the evidence of your wife`s online activities, dating sites, her ex, conversations and anything else you find.
Now put your wife to the test- confront your wife with the evidence and explain to her this is not appropriate behaviour for a married woman. Don`t threaten her with divorce as yet.
Explain to your wife unless she cease and desists from her inappropriate online activities you will visit a lawyer to obtain legal advice.
If your wife begins deflecting blame onto you that I`ve no doubts she will, or makes excuses for not stopping or flatly refuses then you have to decide your way forward from there.
Also, continue to discretely monitor your wife online and grab any more evidence if you can.
Begin taking action a-sap before she screws you over, you need to be one step ahead of the game.
One my important point, whatever your wife says about you or if she makes excuses that she`s not doing anything wrong, don`t argue with her or respond in a way that place you on the defence and trying to justify yourself to her.
You persist on, this is not appropriate behaviour for a married women, full stop and keep to that argument.
Trust me on this one.

 

[gameopoly5]

A true story.
Some years ago one of my male coworkers discovered his wife on a dating site.
He said nothing and came up with a cunning plan.
My coworker set up a fake profile on that dating site, he found some photos of a guy on another dating site that he believed would be his wife`s type.
After setting up his fake profile he began messaging his wife on there. At first he received no response then eventually his wife replied.
He got texting with his wife for 3 weeks, the conversation even turning sexual.
Then his wife took the bait and they arranged to date, meet at a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon. At the time she told her husband that she was meeting a female friend to do some shopping and he was laughing to himself knowing he had a big surprise for her.
He turned up at the coffee shop seeing his wife already sitting inside all dolled up.
He walked in and sat on the table with his wife. She looked like she`d seen a ghost. The look on her face was classic he told us.
After explaining that he was the guy she`d been chatting to on the dating site and is her dream date, he told her to go home, pack all her crap and get out the house.
Then not long later my coworker filed for divorce.
Luckily they did not have kids together and only rented their home, so it was an easy divorce.

 

[TooOld]

I am glad you found my post helpful and are not thinking of divorce as your main objective. Your wife adding her ex to LinkedIn is a red herring. As I mentioned before, from your posts there is resentment and frustration on both sides of this marriage. Your wife consciously or unconsciously added her ex to LinkedIn to get your attention, frankly to poke at you. Let's change the situation up a bit. Instead of communicating with her ex being a red line for you (the ex who is in another country, with whom she hasn't communicated with in years (decades?)), what if you had expressed, a clear boundary in conversations about her spending, particularly on frivolous luxury goods; goods that you can afford but you don't approve of. She goes ahead and buys the luxury items. Honestly, wouldn't you be just as angry and feel as disrespected only her actions wouldn't be colored with infidelity. I raise this hypothetical because there is so little to point to infidelity but huge arrows pointing at the dysfunction in your relationship.

My wife and I have been married a long time. When our youngest went off to college about 14 years ago I looked at my wife and realized we were disconnected. We generally got along and had strong shared values, but the connection, the intimacy was not nearly as strong as it should be. We each had our own well polished, honed list of grievances with well thought out justifications. None of our justifications included any personal ownership of why we were at odds, not communicating each other, not working together. Frankly, the reality was there was merit to my list and her list, but that is beside the point. We should have been communicating to eliminate grievances, not cement them. This is where you and your wife seem to be; again, we are on an internet forum and don't have all of the facts and circumstances. That said, what I just outlined is so common that it is present in nearly any marriage of ten years or more with some kids added for flavoring.

At dinner out not long after these thoughts, I expressed to her what I wrote above. She was defensive, but I remained calm. I told her what I wanted this marriage to look like for the next 30 years or so. We kept talking about it. Slowly she opened up about what was on her heart and why she put up walls. Your wife has already given you some really clear guidance about what is bugging her. Listening to my wife was really uncomfortable because I thought I was doing a great job as husband and father. If you can have open conversations with her, I guarantee that you will be uncomfortable too. For me it was worth it. I understood and took ownership, we learned (are still learning) how to communicate. I stopped trying to be right and be a victim when I didn't get my way or she disagreed with me. I changed my orientation from proving I was right to asking how can I make your life better? What can I do to help? As time passed she started doing the same thing. I am not saying Happy Wife Happy Life, that is trite and simplistic.

I mentioned the 5 Love Languages in my earlier post. I never really looked at it until we were in the midst of these discussions. I discovered that there are truths and valuable concepts in the book. You mentioned that you are in IT, have a Ph.D. and without saying it, that you are a smart guy used to solving complex problems. Before I retired I led several enterprise software companies and my colleagues and friends have your skills and likely temperament. Guess what, those skills and expertise are extremely valuable but not very helpful at home with our wives. I would venture you are an analytical problem solver. That is precisely not what your wife needs. She needs a companion to listen to her, value her, put her first and not judge her. She told you this directly, that is why she goes on line to chat with strangers. Apparently, from her perspective knowing this you are sill not connecting with her and providing the connection she seems to really need. I will use a technical analogy. In the connection between wives and husbands there is often an "impedance" miss match. You communicate but the connection is flawed and information is corrupted. This is where the 5 Love Languages comes in. As a doer, I express and show my love by getting things done. I thought being a good provider and dutiful father was enough. Wrong calibration. I need to do those things because I took on those responsibilities voluntarily. Wife wants new lights in the back yard for her flowers. Boom! Done! my code for "I love you". Problem is that I discovered that she wants to be touched and have me sit with her while we watch TV or read. She wants a connection, doing those things makes her feel loved. To her my acts of service are great but not received as love. So I got frustrated and felt unappreciated and she feels unloved. Once we figured out the correct "impedance" now when I do acts of service she understands I am trying to love her and she "feels" the love and lets me know the message was received. I sit with her because that is what she wants. You and your wife have to figure this out. She seems to have told you her language what is yours? Her knowing yours is equally important to you knowing hers. You will be amazed how much your relationship will improve if you both prioritize the other's happiness. You are not giving up control or wimping out because the goal is a happy, sustainable marriage for your kids and your life. Yes, you will have to change how you spend some of your time. You will do things that aren't your first priority.

You asked in a post what to do. I think a really easy nonconfrontational first step to begin a real dialogue with your wife, is to get the 5 Love Languages by Chapman from Amazon (I gave it to both of my grown sons as they began committed relationships). Make a plan for each of you to read it and agree that you will work through the exercises. You will set aside time just to talk about it and your marriage and whether or not is useful. Use this as a point of departure to improve the relationship. Use the conversation as a diagnostic to see how bad the problems are. Don't hide it, tell her exactly this, what the end goal is, what you are doing and why. She may not trust you at first, but it is an easy first step. She may be blown away that you are making the effort (I don't know either of you she might not like it). Then consider some marriage counseling with the goal to improve the marriage by learning relationship skills, not referee grievances. Just a suggestion.

I learned a long time ago that if we are intentional about making a change or accomplishing a goal we achieve it. Your marriage is exactly the same. My user name is TooOld because I have seen too much - the death of three family members in less than a year, almost lost a child to suicide, managing businesses through the dot.com meltdown, 2008 financial crises, you get the idea. But what all of that has given me is perspective. When you are in the midst of your career, raising kids, it seems like your very identity is being pulled apart fiber by fiber by your career, kids, marriage, life. But at some point those will be past and if you are intentional, not lucky, you will be sitting with your wife one day and marvel at all that you did together as a team, not adversaries.

 

[ConanHub]

Hi Gang

I'm sorry for my typos and broken sentences, I'm between flights and wanted help and feedback

been married to my wife 15 years and blessed with 4 beautiful kids - before we met she was dating this abusive guy (who moved back to his country overseas and never came back) who even called her a * in front of his friends.

we had a rocky relationship the first half of our marriage - we were young and stupid but we never cheated on each others.

I worked hard why she stayed home because she didn't want to finish college and wanted to have kids - I was ok with that despite helping her and paying for her college the first couple years.

Worked two jobs, completed two masters and Phd while traveling as consultant - studying and doing my research between flights and after work. all that while married with kids

she accused me of cheating - and I don't blame her and tried so many times to deny it because nothing happened:

1. -12 years ago - I was talking to a female friend that I work with about our life and talked about our sex life ( Nothing sexual at all) mostly what we are struggling with and what we like and relationship difficulties. that lady is 15-20 years older than me - my wife caught the message and I freaked out (not sure why)
2. -10 years ago - I never hid anything from my social media or my texts because hiding means Im doing something wrong - I get a new job and found a friend of my sisters when we were young that work in the same company, I've been trying to move up - I sent her a message (again i never delete) asking her to have a coffee during work - I needed help to move to her department. my wife caught it and said why the hell I message her - this is cheating
3. -9 years ago- she found a number for a girl I met at a dealership (The girl flirted with me and given me her number) - I never called her, never texted her. but like idiot didnt through the small piece of paper. I admit I liked that someone was interested in me. again she said that is cheating
4. Lastly, I dont even have time to chat, cheat or have an affair - work work, no friends or guys night outs, no bars since I dont drink. nothing of that.

what I found out about her

1. 2 Years ago - I found in her search history her ex name - she didnt add or emailed or communicated with any guy - I'm any IT guy and know how to look. I raised hell about the disrespect and looking for an ex ( I consider cheating). she got the message and we moved on.
2. This year in May -I got into gaming - away for me to cope with the job and life stress and became a mechanism for me to stop thinking about work. my gaming became addiction - after work couple hours - on weekend couple hours etc. my wife tried everything to stop me - and her last resort she said if you dont stop she will start talking to guys to give her some attention. I did slow down, I cut my gaming by half but still gamed couple hours on the weekend but didnt completely stop - one weekend early Saturday she found me going to my office then completely stopped talking to me - she got glued to her phone for couple weeks - I had feeling what she was doing
   1. Middle of May - she created an account on a dating app and chatted to about 5 guys in our area - i found out by going through her phone after she went to sleep - nothing sexual and nothing out of line - and she made it clear to every guy in the chat that she is here to fulfil a promise made to her husband that if he didnt stop gaming she will talk to other guys - and she made it clear that she is not here for hooks up or dating - except one chat window in the app with this guy that I felt she got a little connection with him - like asking him how is his day - i was thinking about you etc.. - I got made, angry and woke her up in the middle of the night screaming and yelling - she freaked out and didnt know whats happening and i pushed her hard and called her some names - (until this day and moment I regret what I had done - and the first couple of weeks after finding out i was crying to her every time I look at her for what I've had done - I never pushed a woman or was physical to anyone in my life) ------ she saw me crushed - she felt my pain and what she had done - I know she felt remorseful and regret it - I don't think she ever saw me in a pain like that since we got married.
   2. End of May - we talked got over it and moved on - and I told her that I trust her - I dont care she has social media and I don't care if she follow people, celebrities' or trainer (she is into working out) as long as they are not an Ex or you are chatting with I'm ok - I do the same - I follow celebrities' model, trainer etc I dont talk to any or message. I have open phone policy and she has access to my phone

Present Day this week

I get into her phone to replace the sim card since we moved carriers - I look at her phone and social media just to be sure and guess what - I found she followed the same Ex since August on linkedin - she doesn't have photos or anything on her profile - and they didnt add each others - he is not following her - Just her following him.

I got very angry and took couple of days to think - I felt disrespect it - what she is seeing in him? a guy who called her a * in front of his friends - why she would follow such a person - yah may be he is a better looking. I told myself why do I even need to feel jealous, he is not worth it to cause a drift between me and my wife or my family.

yesterday, i decide to let her know that what I found - and honestly I wanted to brush it off - an apology was going to be ok then move on - this is what got me concerned and angrier

1. she denied ever creating an account
2. she denied following him - i was watching her emails and done an audit (again IT guy) I know she deleted all email notification (every time he post on linkedin he gets email notification - thats how the app works) she only deleted emails when she sensed im going through her phone
3. this is the conversation we had, see below

Not copying everything in chat - when I confronted her - she denied until I showed her screenshot - I didnt copy and paste everything - it could take more pages

Wife: "Following isn't as serious as chatting right"
Wife: "Maybe stop being so sneaky because playing games ruined relationships and start trusting me? Or maybe you can't do that coz play with your tail and thinks everyone else does?" >>> Im sneaking for spying on her phone

here I show her screenshots

Wife: "Yes. I don't see anything wrong with that" >>> this is when I lost it, if she said im sorry I would moved on and said may be she wants to make sure how better she has it - but her answer then asking me to trust her - this is a cheaters behavior

Wife: " I don't even remember when and I don't even keep up with updates" >>> she means Linedin Updates
Me: nothing wrong with following the people I had ****?

Wife: Oh you've chatted with the Indian girl who's in England. And few others I lost track >>>(14 years ago - a friend I known for a long time and I never met in person)

Wife: "Nope. You followed and chatted with exes. Now that's wrong" >>> I swear to god I never did - i consider following an Ex on social media even looking for their names very disrespectful and will never do that.

Wife: You're the best at thag

Me: " I never chatted with anyone, I never created account or followed ex - yes I admit 14 years ago I talked about our sex life to a female a long time friend - 20 years my age because I had no friends"

Wife: "Remember what lead me to making that profile and chat with guys? (she means ignoring her and spend time online games) This is just another similar situation. So if we're gonna point fingers or start blaming we should start with u, Making ppl lose their **** with ur ****ed up behavior and personality". >>>> Not sure what Similar situation here - the past few days before finding out we havent been talking because of an argument - my fault first then her fault - but I apologized and tried to make it right

Wife:"
1. I do not talk to my ex
2. I followed him that same time and I don't even remember coz I don't even go on LinkedIn" >>>> she uses linkedin because i saw her loging before to linkedin and applying for jobs

Wife:" Listen. I'm not sorry for tresting like this. Because you've done worse. I'm sorry for myself for allowing myself to do these things. You make me behave so badly. I'm tired of being sad mad and all the negative things that I don't wanna be"

Wife: "I could careless about this Ex. He means ** to me and I don't even remember who the ** he is. He's in the past. Some dark memory long forgotten about."

she always bring divorce and we need to get divorce every time we have a big fight - but we dont - her way of being angry is I want divorce - she knows she cant survive if she gets divorced - never held a job in her life or since we got married - sometimes work part time then stops because she hates working and go back to be stay home mom.

My Behavior
I'm not perfect and I could be better to bring myself to be the perfect husband - I dont help much in the house - I work from 6am to 6pm - and worked the entire time we were married - while she also worked a tough job staying home and raising kids, something I could never do. I'm not chatty nor I express my feelings well for many reasons but I'm not here to say negative things how my wife put me to behave like that entire marriage

Financially

1. we are extremely financially well - I love my wife and I know she has love for me
2. My wife never have to work for money - big house - new cars
3. We travel every summer over seas on vacation
4. everything they want I get it - toys - computers - furniture
5. my wife started working full time just about couple of months ago to pay off a credit card ( I found out about - she lied about having a balance - because I dont like using credit cards) I asked her to continue working until she pays it off. she keeps asking to stop working and go back to being stay home mom - she hates being a full time in ladies only facility as a manager. she said she is paying credit card off then stop working.

after that incident from two days ago - I told her Im moving to other room - im doing a 180 - people might see it as a series following an ex - I wasnt going to take it series despite hurting me - but the lies, denying and answers that I've seen on similar post mimic a behavior of a cheater..

Until this moment -according to her, it is my fault I started it first my cheating 14 ( I never cheated, nor dated, no met anyone face to face)

I really want to ask how old you two are but I know you have to be well grown adults.

Quit the tit for tat and letting her justify her behavior by trying to point her finger at you.

She is behaving out of bounds and you need to enforce your boundaries.

The bullshyt about letting her talk to other men because you game was pure idiocy on both your parts.

You both need to grow the hell up at least for your kids.

Put your foot down about her behavior. She is a liar and is crossing boundaries into cheating behavior.

Maybe she would prefer to be a single mom of four kids?

Grow a backbone.

 

[ABHale]

I really want to ask how old you two are but I know you have to be well grown adults.

Quit the tit for tat and letting her justify her behavior by trying to point her finger at you.

She is behaving out of bounds and you need to enforce your boundaries.

The bullshyt about letting her talk to other men because you game was pure idiocy on both your parts.

You both need to grow the hell up at least for your kids.

Put your foot down about her behavior. She is a liar and is crossing boundaries into cheating behavior.

Maybe she would prefer to be a single mom of four kids?

Grow a backbone.

I believe this was part of the advice last time. Some people never learn or choose to be blind.

 

[blackclover3]

Update

I would like to thank all of you for your feedback, I went with with @TooOld [B]TooOld[/B] advice and open communication. I printed the entire thread and answers, drove to the nearest Starbucks with the wife and showed her what I had posted and replies received. and yes, my thread listed issues from my standpoint and not her. we took a notebook and went over every single resentment from her side and my side.

1. we agreed that we will not bring the past but learn from it. if it gets hard in the future we cant just pint fingers and say you did this and that 10+ years ago. we signed and dated as a reminder for both us
2. we discussed out wants and needs - and what we dont like and like - signed and dated
3. we said sorry - and never going to happen again
4. I was clear and Firm that this is going to be the last time - searching, adding, following an ex is a redline and next time that happens I'm done, I will be going to a destructive/Exist mode without even talking to her. we agreed, she promised - we both signed and dated our notes
5. we will find a marriage counselor to help us out and show him/her what we started with .

thank you everyone - I will let you guys know when the session with marriage counselor is scheduled and what were the outcomes.