Fed up - A Vent

1782 Views 18 Replies 14 Participants Last post by CanadianGuy, Oct 26, 2012

Bellavista

Discussion Starter · Oct 25, 2012

My husband is driving me crazy at the moment.

He is so lazy with his business, he is lazy around the house, he is lazy with the family. I think he has always been this way, I have just noticed it more recently because he is working from home & I am part of the time as well.

I do 95% of the housework, the kids do 5%, husband does none. I have pointed this out nicely, not so nicely & now just do it. I do 100% of the yard work, as well as work 2 part time jobs.

Today H lost one of his biggest clients. The client said he was going to another closer firm, but we all know the client left because his work took ages to be done. H gets constant calls from clients chasing their jobs. The annoying thing is H has a great business concept, but no follow through skills. So, did he knuckle down when this client called? No, he went & had a sleep. Says this is his coping skill since he gave up smoking 4 weeks ago.

Meantime, I am doing hundreds of loads of washing because I have been away for 5 days helping my mother cope with her mother's death and only came back late yesterday. I was up at 5:00am, H was up at 8:30am. He went to bed later, but not because he was working, but he was reading books & commenting on news stories on the web.

I have asked him to assist our son in securing accomodation & flights to the world karate championships in 4 weeks. He has had over a year to do this & to this date, nothing has been done. I refuse to do it so I cannot see our son participating in the championship. I have asked often enough for it to be done, I will not do so again.

I went to the doctor because I am constantly fatigued, tests revealed no reason, the doctor thinks I am exhausted & need a break. I think I will either flip out or drop dead one day. A couple of weeks ago, I went off at H about all of this, he said none of it was true & he does work hard. Maybe in his head, but not in reality.

He says he is not depressed or anything. I honestly think he is just lazy. We have a son like that as well, he was lazy before he was born, I think he got it from H.

On top of this, I am expected to go to university next year, as well as keep working 2 jobs & do everything at home. If I was not so financially in a bind I think I would just walk out from frustration. Vent done for now..

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tryingtobebetter

· #2 · Oct 25, 2012

sorry to hear of your problems.

As a man I am naturally inclined to try to offer a solution but do not feel I know your H so probably best if I do not.

Some cold water dripped on him at 7 a.m. does come to mind, though.

Trying2figureitout

· #3 · Oct 25, 2012 (Edited)

First off you didn't do "Hundreds" of loads of laundry! That was an exaggeration.

I think you and your husband don't communicate effectively. Quitting smoking is a big deal and his sleeping is probably a way he copes with the stress of losing a BIG CLIENT.

I'm in a multi-year sexless marriage situation... I sleep a lot when stress comes my way. Its a way to cope with ones situation... escape life for a moment.

Your husband is ill-equipped to deal with stress like I am. Prior to sexless I could. In your case part of it is his smoking cessation and part of it is YOU.

You seem to discount what he does and call him LAZY... how do you think that makes him feel? He's got a lot on his plate and you are not helping.

Look in the mirror at why your life ended up this way. Your husband is reacting to the way you treat him.

A happy husband will go out of his way to help his wife.... are you worth helping?

I have my doubts. I don't think you value your husbands contributions at all.
You create your own feelings.

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CandieGirl

· #4 · Oct 25, 2012

Go on strike. Go on vacation. But go do something about it. Venting is good, but venting is also useless at the same time.

The more you keep doing everything, the more your H will keep doing nothing.

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IrishGirlVA

· #5 · Oct 25, 2012

Yeah, hundreds of loads of laundry was an exaggeration (think that's clear!) but when you are exhausted and doing a million other things (yes, I'm exaggerating!!) then it seems like hundreds of loads. And those part time jobs can feel like full time jobs!

I agree that when someone quits smoking it can take a physical and emotional toll on that person. So him sleeping to cope is not very surprising. But I'm sorry... that is no excuse to not work and help provide for the family.

And I am wondering if it's not necessarily laziness but perhaps bordom? Does he enjoy his job or does he just tolerate it? Does he have any hobbies that he likes? Some people go through a slump in life. Whether it be because it has gotten too routine or because of depression or something else.

You two do need to communicate more effectively. Something is definitely amiss. And yes, you do need to go on strike for a little bit. Just do what you need to do to keep things running for you and the kids. This is not meant to be a punishment to your husband but you can't continue running around ragged.

Can you find some money in your budget to have someone do the yard work? I spend about $80 a month to have that done for me and it's the best money I spend!!

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Bellavista

Discussion Starter · #6 · Oct 25, 2012

In answer to you all, he says he loves his job, that is why he started his own practice.
He has no reason I can see to be an unhappy husband, he gets good sex 4-5 times a week, I compliment him on his skills, both in karate & work, even yesterday, I said nice things when he lost the client. If he communicates he has a need, I do my best to meet that need.
Regading the housework, it does not occur to him to help until I have finished. For example, when I had finished folding the washing at nearly 9:00pm last night, he came & said, 'Oh, I suppose I should have helped you with that.' He had been sitting on the couch watching TV.
No money in the budget for yard work, I struggle to pay the bills I do have now.
I have tried to communicate with him regarding this & other matters, it goes in one ear & out the other. Now it is 5:00am & I am off to one of my jobs.

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wiigirl

· #7 · Oct 25, 2012

CandieGirl said:
Go on strike. Go on vacation. But go do something about it. Venting is good, but venting is also useless at the same time.

The more you keep doing everything, the more your H will keep doing nothing.

I 100% agree!!!

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CandieGirl

· #8 · Oct 25, 2012

Don't take this the wrong way...but I'm seeing a touch of 'martyrdom' in your posts...

EnjoliWoman

· #9 · Oct 25, 2012

Stop doing his laundry; do only your own. Stop doing all of the yard work. ASK him to COME NOW to help fold laundry vs. waiting for him to see you are still doing laundry at 10pm.

He does seem to lack motivation. What motivates him? Maybe he needs to figure it out. Has he always been this way?

Tell your son Dad still hasn't booked the trip - go ask him to do it now. Not saying pit son vs. dad but then son will know why he doesn't get to go if he runs out of time.

Just some ideas...

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Hope1964

· #10 · Oct 25, 2012

Bellavista said:
Regading the housework, it does not occur to him to help until I have finished.

Do you enlist his help beforehand, or just want him to notice you're doing stuff and pitch in?

Does he refuse to help when you ask him? Do you ask him?

My husband would never do a thing if I didn't tell him what needs doing, but he's great at helping when I do tell him

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notperfectanymore

· #11 · Oct 25, 2012

I vote for going on strike. My husband likes to tell me about the story of when his mom went back to work, when him and his Bro were young teenagers....there were battles, and then she went on strike, for 90 days....Hubs says to this day he probably wouldn't be able to do laundry, fold or cook (minimal skills) or clean without that strike. It worked, and his parents are still married.

Bellavista

Discussion Starter · #12 · Oct 26, 2012

Yes, I am inclined to martydom. I learnt from the best, both of my parents should be in Fox's Book of Martyres.

I asked H this morning what motivates him. He said, when I am in the office also working, then he knuckles down & works as well. Sheesh, guess I won't be going anywhere for a while!

Regarding the housework, I would rather be doing it myself while he is working on his business matters. I get annoyed when I am working all of the time & he is sitting around procrastinating. We have had that discussion many times.

The kids are well aware of how their father is. I won't let them run him down while I am around, but they know not to ask him to do anything for them or it just won't get done.

Most of the time, we are happy, just every now & then I get overwhelmed & frustrated.

ShawnD

· #13 · Oct 26, 2012

Bellavista said:
My husband is driving me crazy at the moment.

He is so lazy with his business, he is lazy around the house, he is lazy with the family. I think he has always been this way, I have just noticed it more recently because he is working from home & I am part of the time as well.

*assumption*
He has atypical depression.

Most people think of depression as meaning a person becomes inappropriately sad over little things, or they become sad for no reason, and they stay sad for a very long time. This sadness can be so severe that it's disabling; the person can lose their friends (not returning calls), their job (not showing up for work), and go bankrupt (not paying bills on time) as a result of this depression. The person might even become suicidal. That's only one kind of depression: major depression.

Atypical depression is when a person is unmotivated and lazy, accompanied by signs of constant tiredness:
1) Overeating
2) Oversleeping
3) Fatigue
4) Extreme sensitivity to rejection
5) Moods that worsen or improve in direct response to events (meaning they can still enjoy nice things)

Many things can cause depression. Vitamin deficiencies, mineral deficiencies, unbalanced diets, poor sleep quality, being under constant stress, certain types of mold and air pollution, and it can even be caused by allergies that a person is unaware of.
It could be a learned behavior because his parents were retarded, or it could be a genetic thing inherited from his parents. If you don't feel like wasting 5 years trying to kick his ass to motivate him, get him on drugs and he will change in the blink of an eye. The main neurotransmitters for motivation are dopamine and noradrenaline.

Prescription dopamine and noradrenaline boosting drugs:
-Bupropion (for depression)
-Mirtazapine (for depression, indirectly boosts dopamine)
-Phenelzine (for depression)
-Tranylcypromine (for depression)
-Methylphenidate (for ADD)
-Amphetamine (for ADD)
-Methamphetamine (for narcolepsy)
-L-DOPA (for Parkinson's Disease)
-Atomoxetine (for ADD)

If he can convince a doctor he has narcolepsy, he'll be set for life. People on meth can work for 12 hours straight without breaking a sweat. They also get a little bit crazy and manic, but that can be balanced out with an SSRI when the time comes.

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Emerald

· #14 · Oct 26, 2012

It's cool to vent Bella.

Some people ARE lazy & are procrastinators. It is frustrating because you are so busy. The first thing I would stop doing is his laundry. Just let it pile up. He will eventually wash his clothes...or he won't & stink

ShawnD

· #15 · Oct 26, 2012

Emerald said:
The first thing I would stop doing is his laundry. Just let it pile up. He will eventually wash his clothes...or he won't & stink

That's a pretty good test for depression. If he's depressed, he won't do the laundry. He'll let his hygiene sink really low before doing anything. That's when you know that you have a serious problem on your hands.

Moiraine

· #16 · Oct 26, 2012

Does he have an aversion to doing house work and helping out around the house? If he would rather work than do housework, can he work extra to pay for a maid to come to your house once a week to help out?

Bellavista

Discussion Starter · #17 · Oct 26, 2012

No, he doesn't have an aversion to housework, he just does not think to do it.
I asked him today if he was depressed, he said no, definately not, he is stressed. I suggested maybe running his own business was not for him if it made hm too stressed, he said he would cope with it, there was no other option.
I then asked what it would take to make him happy. In typical male fashion he responded with 'sex'.

Ikaika

· #18 · Oct 26, 2012

I don't know that lazy comes to mind... Unable to organize sounds more of what I am reading. It may help to just have a posted schedule of things he had to get done at a certain time. Put up a written or visual schedule with deadlines and hold him to it.

CanadianGuy

· #19 · Oct 26, 2012

:iagree:

If I may add. Get him to start getting in the habit or writing his own schedule. This will not work if he chooses to procrastinate and not do the things on the schedule for one reason or another.

Also start simple with one load of laundry for him to do. Make it an easy load like whites or darks only. Or a "please clean the kitchen." A good way is to ask him to help you clean up in the kitchen and then half way through the task ask him to finish up as you have to go and throw in a load of laundry or whatever else needs doing. ( of course it can happen at any point in the task you are doing together that you excuse yourself to manage something else)

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