[Holland]

Help

Backstory
I was in a long term sexless marriage which I ended 2.5 years ago.
Am now in a relationship with a wonderful man that I have fallen in love with.
Sex is great, the connection is great.
We don't live together and both have busy lives with kids, work etc,

The problem is me. Before I met him I was dating around, nothing serious just sex and fun, I was always in control but now I am in a situation that I hope is very long term and some issues are coming up.

The problem is that I seem to have some irrational fears of sexual rejection and I need to get past this in order to be whole and healthy.

eg we cannot see each other for a week due to circumstances and a few days ago we joked on the phone about having a secret meet up in the middle of the night. I got excited about it but the reality is that ATM it is too hard due to having the kids here. No bid deal right?

But I then start to think that he has rejected me, it is irrational, we cannot meet up but I read it as he just doesn't want me.
I know he does but the part of my mind that is scared by past experiences has taken over.

I need some resources, strategies and help to get past this thinking. The logical part of me knows that it is not him saying "no" to me it is our busy lives but I find myself going into a weird place in my mind, reliving the years of not being wanted.

Does anyone understand what I mean?

 

[larry.gray]

I understand exactly what you mean, I went thought it myself. My wife and I have worked through our issues so I can't draw an exact parallel.

Part of it is time. I took me a good 9 months to let go of the anger and hurt. It's been about 1-1/2 months for me now, but it is truly gone.

What is happening is that you're reminded of the anger and hurt you've got brewing under the surface and you're transferring it to a guy who's done nothing to you. It is easy to say but hard to do: you've got to let go of the anger and forgive your ex. Not for him, but for you.

Are you able to communicate to him about this? It is something that can be difficult to talk about because it involves your sexual past. If so, let him know how much you were hurt in your past. You'll at least get some comfort to you, and he can try to avoid triggering it. He'll also understand it isn't him that's causing you the hurt and understand your reaction at times.

 

[Holland]

Thanks LG for your reply and your insight. It helps to hear others understand.

I have not let my partner know the rejection I felt this week and am very careful not to make this about him. He is involved only because he is the man in my life.

Today I wrote down all my thoughts to help get them straight in my mind so that we can talk about this with clarity. He knows some sketchy details of my marriage but I need to talk with him in more detail so he can understand. He is a very emotionally intelligent man and we have very open communication (one of the many things that adore about him).

The tricky part for me is that while I was dating non exclusively this stuff that was under the surface did not come up. Now that I am serious about someone it is all coming up.

This is a huge issue for me, the support here (and PMs) have been invaluable

 

[kingsfan]

I wasn't in a sexless marriage, but it was close enough in my books. Sex was once every 3 weeks or so, sometimes less. The sex I did get was all about her as well, and I'd get almost nothing out of it.

I seperated from her (am now divorced) and met another woman 4-5 months after we had seperated. At first, the sex was awesome, but then it started to wane. It didn't wane nearly as much as it did when I was with my ex-wife, but even a slight drop put me on edge and made me worried/concerned/etc.

I think it's because after about 8 years of being conditioned to be in a very sexually ungratifying relationship, I had become almost programmed to react negatively to any rejection, even if it wasn't an actual rejection. I found myself getting upset and even sad when my new woman wouldn't come to me for sex on a certain night. I hadn't asked or even made a pass at her, but because she also didn't do it to me, I'd get upset and even mad.

But that's because of what my ex-wife did, not her. I was still getting more activity, and much more enthusiasm, than what my ex-wife gave me, yet I was still reacting negatively to rejection, even perceived rejection. Because I was so worried about it going that way again that I'd over react to even the smallest implied rejections.

I still have issues with it. I still get bothered when I get rejected. I think it's because of the feelings it stirs in me. It's hard to overcome, but I've learned how to deal with them. I'd suggest counselling for you on the issue. I didn't, simply because I'm not comfortable with counselling, but if you are, having someone to talk it out with would be a great idea.

 

[arbitrator]

Holland: I agree that having a counselor to talk to about this is definitely the way to go. But from the description of your new situation, I take it that you are making considerable headway, and that you have placed yourself in what I feel is a mutual, loving relationship.

I truly wish you and your significant other nothing but the very best!