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Am i over reacting?


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So, me and my wife have been having some ups and downs lately. She's let me know that she doesn't feel the same way she did about me. here recently (maybe 30min ago) i found out she's been messaging someone through Facebook. Now its mostly been how are you... maybe a joke here or there and honestly a ton of memes back and forth. But she's also sent him pictures of her when she dyed her hair and such. Being has at the beginning of the month she said she wanted to leave if things didn't change, i'm worried. She said she doesn't really feel the need to leave at the moment but i don't want some guy we know from an internet game to make her more happy than i do, as i'm trying so hard to make her happy. We've been together for 10 years now, married for 3yrs, have 2 kids. Am i over reacting or is this a legitimate fear to have? dont be bias being as this is a thread for me just be honest i dont want to be upset and cause a rift do to false ideas of betrayal. Oh and i realize my grammar and what not is horrible.
 

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I think folks might call this an emotional affair. Not sure by what you're saying if this is "full blown" but I would say that if she is directing emotional intimacy toward another man and not at you in the context of what she's saying, it's trouble.
 

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I concur with Firebelly. This may be an emotional affair. But at the very least, her speaking to another man on Facebook is unwise, given the context of the situation. Your marriage is on the rocks, and both of you are vulnerable to outside influences. If you have an argument about something, and she goes to get validated by this man via messaging, things can escalate quickly. In the absence of trouble in a marriage, platonic male-female friendships are fine. But when there are problems in a marriage, it can be dangerous. Even though the messages sound fairly benign, she is playing with fire.

If she is serious about working on the marriage, all of her emotional energy should be directed towards it, as should yours. Right now, you guys need to work on rebuilding your marriage, and this means excluding any outside influences that work against it. Just my opinion.
 

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Messaging another dude, not good at all.

If she wanted opinions on a new hair style she could have just posted them on her FB page. Instead she sent him pics directly. This is out and out flirting. "Look at me! Isn't my hair great? Compliment me please!"

Coupled with the fact that she wants out? Whether this guy is the cause or by product remains to be seen.

With two very young kids, what reasons has she given that she wants to leave the marriage, a stable home?
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You may want to ask a moderator to move this to a different section, or repost this in Coping With Infidelity as the Men's warehouse section isn't visited by as many users.
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So, me and my wife have been having some ups and downs lately. She's let me know that she doesn't feel the same way she did about me. here recently (maybe 30min ago) i found out she's been messaging someone through Facebook. Now its mostly been how are you... maybe a joke here or there and honestly a ton of memes back and forth. But she's also sent him pictures of her when she dyed her hair and such. Being has at the beginning of the month she said she wanted to leave if things didn't change, i'm worried. She said she doesn't really feel the need to leave at the moment but i don't want some guy we know from an internet game to make her more happy than i do, as i'm trying so hard to make her happy. We've been together for 10 years now, married for 3yrs, have 2 kids. Am i over reacting or is this a legitimate fear to have? dont be bias being as this is a thread for me just be honest i dont want to be upset and cause a rift do to false ideas of betrayal. Oh and i realize my grammar and what not is horrible.
She's not ready to leave yet because the other guy hasn't committed yet. She's working it, and when he does, she'll let you know she's ready.
 

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My BFF is a 61 yr old married man. We PM about work, clothes, sports, you name it. I can talk to him about stuff I can't tell anyone else. Not every male / female relationship is based on sex.
 

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My BFF is a 61 yr old married man. We PM about work, clothes, sports, you name it. I can talk to him about stuff I can't tell anyone else. Not every male / female relationship is based on sex.
Are you also unhappy with your marriage and telling your husband you want out?
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What are her major complaints?

What does she want you to change?

And, "No" she shouldn't be showing some other guy attention, while telling you to step it up. That's saying you already lost. This is a marriage, not a competition. It's okay for her to tell you what she needs, it's not okay to get those needs from someone else.
 

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My BFF is a 61 yr old married man. We PM about work, clothes, sports, you name it. I can talk to him about stuff I can't tell anyone else. Not every male / female relationship is based on sex.
EAs are not based on sex at the beginning. EAs are about bonding closely. It gets to where it takes away from the primary relationship. An EA may or may not turn romantic / sexual.

EAs are quite common in my opinion. Someone in an EA will insist they are just very good friends.

Yes the fact she is telling her husband she wants out of the marriage is kinda important.
 

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Not at all.
See that's the thing, and I'm not one to poo-poo opposite sex friendships like a caveman.

But OP's wife was suddenly texting this other "friend", including sending him pics of herself, on top of just announcing to her husband that she is unhappy and may want out of the marriage. Outside of the Kremlin, we'd be hard pressed to find a bigger red flag.
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Not at all.
That's the difference here.


She has said she isn't interested in him anymore.

OP,

Talking to this other man and send him pics is a huge red flag. If she wants to work on the marriage, that needs to stop, immediately.

She also said she isn't ready to leave yet. Does she work, or do you support her? I also agree that this other man hasn't completely committed yet AND if you are paying a majority of the bills...she is going to try and cake eat.
 

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Being has at the beginning of the month she said she wanted to leave if things didn't change, i'm worried. She said she doesn't really feel the need to leave at the moment .
marriages drift, people fight, communications ceases.

Well, she is at the end of her rope and giving you fair warning. Let me translate what she said:
"I am not happy, am tired of trying, you are not listening. This is your LAST CHANCE to really try to keep the marriage going"

All the other facebook messaging, etc, is just her probably trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life, feel out how it would be to be single again, and seek advice about how to change her situation.

If I were you I would FIRST figure out what the heck I WANTED in life, and see if it included her for the rest of my days. If the answer was HELL YES, I would
SECOND sit down with her, and try to communicate. Say I really wanted our marriage to improve, and tell me what you think we need to do to make things better. THen I would
THIRD...actually start to DO the things she suggested. No touchey feely ****, no counseling, no whining or discussions. Just DO what she wants.

If it is more sex, I would DO it.

If it is more fun things in the marriage...I would take her out dancing THAT NIGHT

If she is feeling overwhelmed at home, I would get a maid in once a week.

If she is feeling like life left her, I would encourage her to take a night course at the local university.
 
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marriages drift, people fight, communications ceases.

Well, she is at the end of her rope and giving you fair warning. Let me translate what she said:
"I am not happy, am tired of trying, you are not listening. This is your LAST CHANCE to really try to keep the marriage going"

All the other facebook messaging, etc, is just her probably trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life, feel out how it would be to be single again, and seek advice about how to change her situation.

If I were you I would FIRST figure out what the heck I WANTED in life, and see if it included her for the rest of my days. If the answer was HELL YES, I would
SECOND sit down with her, and try to communicate. Say I really wanted our marriage to improve, and tell me what you think we need to do to make things better. THen I would
THIRD...actually start to DO the things she suggested. No touchey feely ****, no counseling, no whining or discussions. Just DO what she wants.

If it is more sex, I would DO it.

If it is more fun things in the marriage...I would take her out dancing THAT NIGHT

If she is feeling overwhelmed at home, I would get a maid in once a week.

If she is feeling like life left her, I would encourage her to take a night course at the local university.
There are times when a husband/wife says: "I want you to be more blah, blah, blah."

And you know what? When husband/wife is more blah, blah, blah, suddenly, that's not enough.:rolleyes:
 

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No your not overreacting. You have a legitimate concern. However this might not be the one she is interested in if she is interested in someone else, doesn't sound like a very romantic conversation they have been having unless those are being deleted.
 

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This doesn't sound good. Please find out what her complaints are, what is the reason for her to want to leave you? I disagree with her "platonic" relationship with a guy. It may seem harmless if the both of you have a strong relationship, but at this point in time it is not a good idea. You do not want her to have her emotional needs fulfilled elsewhere.
 

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I'm not going to say, with absolute certainty, that she's got something going with this guy. What I will say is that it could be the beginning of something. You guys met him in an online game and they are now Facebook friends? Oh, boy, that sounds so familiar! On fact, OM was friends with both my husband and me for a couple years first. All I will say is keep your eyes open and, hopefully, it turns out to be nothing. With the current state of your marriage, however, I'm leaning the other way. Hopefully, you can figure things out. :(
 

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She's not ready to leave yet because the other guy hasn't committed yet. She's working it, and when he does, she'll let you know she's ready.
:iagree:

Couldn't be more accurate than this^^^.

No need to use analytic goemetry, linear algebra or partial differential equations to figure it out.

This is not string theory.

She has her husband under her thumb, plain and simple.
 
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