Father's Day Gift

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muffin1983

Discussion Starter · 16 d ago

Should I get my husband a Father's Day gift?

My husband and I have a six year old, and this year my son was absent from school leading up to Mother's Day meaning I got no card, picture or little trinket to celebrate. To celebrate, my husband made breakfast that morning, something he usually doesn't do. This behaviour of my husband's not celebrating special occasions is not unusual. He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, etc. In some ways I have accepted his behaviour and moved on but this Mother's Day, it really hurt. My husband doesn't work so I am the sole provider. Also, in the past few months my husband has not been cooking or cleaning regularly, leaving that to me when I get home. He also doesn't drive so any extra-curriculars, play dates my son goes on is chaperoned by me. My husband comes every once in a while but he or more less gets to decide when he participates. I think this is why I felt he should have done more for Mother's Day because I feel like I sometimes go above and beyond for the family.

Despite my husband's shortcomings, I try to do to celebrate him as much as I can but I am actually on the fence this year about Father's Day. Personally I feel like he deserves the same treatment as me but at the same time, what does this shown our son? My son and I have made it a tradition to go out to look for a present and celebrate dad. At the same time, what does not celebrating mom show my son?

FYI - Last year for our wedding anniversary, I got my husband a small gift and he got me nothing. He went out a few days later and got me something. This seems to be the dynamic. I give first and then he reciporates.

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Iadron

· #2 · 16 d ago

This may be an unpopular opinion but I’m going to say no strictly from a utilitarian standpoint.

If you’re married you both own your money and property together. So buying him a gift is no different than him buying himself a gift. Rather pointless imo. If he wants something he can just go out and get it himself.

This goes for Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc.

My spouse and I do not exchange gifts to each other. But what we do instead is if we have to make a large purchase that benefits us both we’ll use that as our excuse to buy it.

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BigDaddyNY

· #3 · 16 d ago

muffin1983 said:
Should I get my husband a Father's Day gift?

My husband and I have a six year old, and this year my son was absent from school leading up to Mother's Day meaning I got no card, picture or little trinket to celebrate. To celebrate, my husband made breakfast that morning, something he usually doesn't do. This behaviour of my husband's not celebrating special occasions is not unusual. He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, etc. In some ways I have accepted his behaviour and moved on but this Mother's Day, it really hurt. My husband doesn't work so I am the sole provider. Also, in the past few months my husband has not been cooking or cleaning regularly, leaving that to me when I get home. He also doesn't drive so any extra-curriculars, play dates my son goes on is chaperoned by me. My husband comes every once in a while but he or more less gets to decide when he participates. I think this is why I felt he should have done more for Mother's Day because I feel like I sometimes go above and beyond for the family.

Despite my husband's shortcomings, I try to do to celebrate him as much as I can but I am actually on the fence this year about Father's Day. Personally I feel like he deserves the same treatment as me but at the same time, what does this shown our son? My son and I have made it a tradition to go out to look for a present and celebrate dad. At the same time, what does not celebrating mom show my son?

FYI - Last year for our wedding anniversary, I got my husband a small gift and he got me nothing. He went out a few days later and got me something. This seems to be the dynamic. I give first and then he reciporates.

Look at it from the point of view of your son. Would he want to get Dad a gift for father's day?

Reactions: 2

Tdbo

· #4 · 16 d ago

Get him one on behalf of your son only.
Fix him breakfast that morning as your recognition of the day. Make sure his toast is rather dry and "Toasty."

Reactions: 3

muffin1983

Discussion Starter · #5 · 16 d ago

BigDaddyNY said:
Look at it from the point of view of your son. Would he want to get Dad a gift for father's day?

There's actually been some friction with my son and husband due to my husband having a short temper and my son has actually stated that "he doesn't want to get Dad anything because he calls me names." And from my POV, this is not helping repair the relationship.

Reactions: 1

GC1234

· #6 · 16 d ago

What does your husband do all day? He doesn't work, doesn't drive. What's the deal? Why is he not pitching in around the house?

I personally wouldn't get a gift, as it may give him a taste of his own medicine.

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BigDaddyNY

· #7 · 16 d ago

muffin1983 said:
There's actually been some friction with my son and husband due to my husband having a short temper and my son has actually stated that "he doesn't want to get Dad anything because he calls me names." And from my POV, this is not helping repair the relationship.

You've been dealing with this turd of a husband for many years, well before your son was born. Why are you sticking it out with this guy?

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muffin1983

Discussion Starter · #8 · 16 d ago

BigDaddyNY said:
You've been dealing with this turd of a husband for many years, well before your son was born. Why are you sticking it out with this guy?

When we first started having challenges in our relationship, I always thought things could get better. I will fully admit that what is keeping me in the marriage now is fear and my son. I am afraid that I can't afford a divorce as I am the sole provider I'm not sure if I can afford to pay alimony or child support. I also can't picture only seeing my son 50% of the time. I have witnessed separation/divorce in his own family and it has not been amicable. In fact, his sister is still in court five years later dealing with custody issues. They blame her ex-partner but I would say both parties are to blame. My husband and I were also separated in 2018 due to his mental health issues. My husband was hospitalized and his parents demanded time with our son on a regular basis like a custody agreement and during drop offs/pick ups, my in-laws made minimal talk and didn't give me the low down on what happened during their time together. It was so awkward. I just don't know if I can deal with the stress divorce brings.

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muffin1983

Discussion Starter · #9 · 16 d ago

GC1234 said:
What does your husband do all day? He doesn't work, doesn't drive. What's the deal? Why is he not pitching in around the house?

I'm not sure what is preventing him from helping around the house. He's had mental health issues and sometimes I think that prevents him from helping. He does watch our son from 3-5 until I get home so I am grateful for that.

As for what he does all day. I know he naps a lot, plays poker and walks the dogs but other than that I really have no idea. I don't think he is having an affair or anything.

He also grew up in a home with a stay at home mom so I sometimes think that he feels that women should have traditional roles like cleaning and cooking but I have told him our roles are not traditional and that I can't be the mom that cooks, cleans, works and does all the errand running. I am burnt out.

D0nnivain

· #10 · 16 d ago

Your husband is selfish & self-centered but you still need to help the 6 year old get Daddy a present because you want to teach your son to be thoughtful & generous.

Reactions: 3

Young at Heart

· #11 · 16 d ago

muffin1983 said:
Should I get my husband a Father's Day gift?

My husband and I have a six year old........

Despite my husband's shortcomings, I try to do to celebrate him as much as I can but I am actually on the fence this year about Father's Day. .....

muffin1983 said:
There's actually been some friction with my son and husband due to my husband having a short temper and my son has actually stated that "he doesn't want to get Dad anything because he calls me names." And from my POV, this is not helping repair the relationship.

muffin1983 said:
........ I will fully admit that what is keeping me in the marriage now is fear and my son. I am afraid that I can't afford a divorce as I am the sole provider I'm not sure if I can afford to pay alimony or child support. I also can't picture only seeing my son 50% of the time. I have witnessed separation/divorce in his own family and it has not been amicable. In fact, his sister is still in court five years later dealing with custody issues. They blame her ex-partner but I would say both parties are to blame. My husband and I were also separated in 2018 due to his mental health issues. My husband was hospitalized and his parents demanded time with our son on a regular basis like a custody agreement and during drop offs/pick ups, my in-laws made minimal talk and didn't give me the low down on what happened during their time together. It was so awkward. I just don't know if I can deal with the stress divorce brings.

As I see it you are stating two separate problems.

The first was should you get your husband and the father of your son a Father's Day gift. My answer to that question is "Do onto others as you would have them do onto you."

Your second problem and question really is you no longer feel like you want to be married to your husband and you are only staying for fear of what it will cost and what kind of lost custody you will have over your son.

It is clear you have anger and resentment toward your husband and his not working. Is his lack of work related to his mental health episode or is he just not motivated post Covid to find work? Whatever the reason that is something that the two of you should discuss as opposed to rug sweeping and letting it ride indefinitely.

If you want out of your marriage, talk to an attorney and find out what is likely to happen. Then talk to your H and give him a chance to get his act together or the marriage will end. Don't stay in a situation where you will be angry at him all the time. He will know you are angry at him, you son will know you are angry at him. People in long term relationships can read body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. You son and your H know that you are angry with him, even if you have not said it verbally.

Good luck. The question of the present is a simple yes. The question of what you really should do is much more complex.

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Diana7

· #12 · 16 d ago

Iadron said:
This may be an unpopular opinion but I’m going to say no strictly from a utilitarian standpoint.

If you’re married you both own your money and property together. So buying him a gift is no different than him buying himself a gift. Rather pointless imo. If he wants something he can just go out and get it himself.

This goes for Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc.

My spouse and I do not exchange gifts to each other. But what we do instead is if we have to make a large purchase that benefits us both we’ll use that as our excuse to buy it.

I look at it as teaching their son to give to others and care about them. It wouldn't bother me if I didn't get anything on a particular day as gifts isn't my thing, but a young child should be encouraged to think of others and to be honest its exciting for them to chose a small gift and make a card for their parent.

Teacherwifemom

· #13 · 16 d ago

Children learn how to treat others by observing their parents. I would have your son make him a homemade card. No gift necessary. And nothing from you. Your little boy is going to go into his adult life absolutely clueless about marital roles, boundaries, respect, etc. This is very sad. If there is no reason for your husband not to work I would have to assume the courts would take that into consideration. I completely understand not wanting to lose 50% with him. Does your husband like you? Or is he a jerk to you. Have you laid down the law? If so, what does he say? What a mess

Reactions: 3

DownByTheRiver

· #14 · 16 d ago

muffin1983 said:
Should I get my husband a Father's Day gift?

My husband and I have a six year old, and this year my son was absent from school leading up to Mother's Day meaning I got no card, picture or little trinket to celebrate. To celebrate, my husband made breakfast that morning, something he usually doesn't do. This behaviour of my husband's not celebrating special occasions is not unusual. He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, etc. In some ways I have accepted his behaviour and moved on but this Mother's Day, it really hurt. My husband doesn't work so I am the sole provider. Also, in the past few months my husband has not been cooking or cleaning regularly, leaving that to me when I get home. He also doesn't drive so any extra-curriculars, play dates my son goes on is chaperoned by me. My husband comes every once in a while but he or more less gets to decide when he participates. I think this is why I felt he should have done more for Mother's Day because I feel like I sometimes go above and beyond for the family.

Despite my husband's shortcomings, I try to do to celebrate him as much as I can but I am actually on the fence this year about Father's Day. Personally I feel like he deserves the same treatment as me but at the same time, what does this shown our son? My son and I have made it a tradition to go out to look for a present and celebrate dad. At the same time, what does not celebrating mom show my son?

FYI - Last year for our wedding anniversary, I got my husband a small gift and he got me nothing. He went out a few days later and got me something. This seems to be the dynamic. I give first and then he reciporates.

You have bigger problems than worrying about whether to get him a Father's Day gift. You should get him a card and then you need to start communicating with him about what you need or else make some decisions about whether you want an active spouse who participates in the marriage and family or not.

Reactions: 3

Iadron

· #15 · 16 d ago

Diana7 said:
I look at it as teaching their son to give to others and care about them. It wouldn't bother me if I didn't get anything on a particular day as gifts isn't my thing, but a young child should be encouraged to think of others and to be honest its exciting for them to chose a small gift and make a card for their parent.

I understand and can appreciate that angle.

Prodigal

· #16 · 15 d ago

What exactly do you mean by "mental health issues"? Has he been formally diagnosed with a disorder?

Yes, you may have to pay alimony. But what difference does it make? You're already shouldering the whole financial load now.

Reactions: 2

1Autumn72

· #17 · 15 d ago

muffin1983 said:
I'm not sure what is preventing him from helping around the house. He's had mental health issues and sometimes I think that prevents him from helping. He does watch our son from 3-5 until I get home so I am grateful for that.

As for what he does all day. I know he naps a lot, plays poker and walks the dogs but other than that I really have no idea. I don't think he is having an affair or anything.

He also grew up in a home with a stay at home mom so I sometimes think that he feels that women should have traditional roles like cleaning and cooking but I have told him our roles are not traditional and that I can't be the mom that cooks, cleans, works and does all the errand running. I am burnt out.

So what does he do after you get home and take over? Any idea what he’s spending playing poker? Is he actively looking for employment, or do his issues prevent him from working?

Reactions: 1

muffin1983

Discussion Starter · #18 · 3 d ago

Prodigal said:
What exactly do you mean by "mental health issues"? Has he been formally diagnosed with a disorder?

Yes, you may have to pay alimony. But what difference does it make? You're already shouldering the whole financial load now.

My husband was diagnosed with depression/anxiety in 2011 and then about 5 years later, the retina in his eye detached causing vision problems. His work ethic started going downhill in 2011 and he started missing work and stopped contributing financially then as he wasn't working enough and hated taking what little money he had to pay bills. On top of the depression/anxiety, he suffered a retina detachment and lost vision in one eye and has low vision in the other. He has a driver's license so I'm not entirely sure how much his vision is impaired. He chooses not to drive which I understand, however that limits his job perspectives. I have mentioned office work as he has a bad back and he can easily do computer work but that doesn't excite him. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation when I bring up getting a job.

As for paying alimony, I worry that I can't keep 2 separate households afloat as all the extra money I have after bills are paid and groceries are bought will go to him. I also have a bit of an issue with paying alimony as this was the start of the downfall of our relationship. As mentioned, my husband stopped contributing financially in 2011 and this was a big issue for me, something I tried to talk to him about many times so it would just be a thorn in my side if I had to pay alimony if I divorced him.

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muffin1983

Discussion Starter · #19 · 3 d ago

1Autumn72 said:
So what does he do after you get home and take over? Any idea what he’s spending playing poker? Is he actively looking for employment, or do his issues prevent him from working?

He watches a lot of sports. I'm on the fence if his issues prevent him from working. He has depression/anxiety and vision problems. I can see how these things can impact his life but I am also someone with a disability and have managed to live a productive life and work full-time. I have Cerebral Palsy and worked as a classroom teacher for many years and now work in admin. I do understand that job options can be limited but I do believe that everyone can do something. My husband disagrees and every time I mention work, he brings up reasons why he can't do that particular job. It's an uphill battle because I believe he has lots of potential and if he cooked/cleaned more I think I'd be ok with him staying home. He just doesn't like to do those things and that's the problem.

Prodigal

· #20 · 3 d ago

muffin1983 said:
My husband was diagnosed with depression/anxiety in 2011 and then about 5 years later, the retina in his eye detached causing vision problems. His work ethic started going downhill in 2011 and he started missing work and stopped contributing financially then as he wasn't working enough and hated taking what little money he had to pay bills.

I'll just come out and say it - your husband is a jerk. And a selfish one at that. His depression/anxiety can be treated. Ask me how I know. Also in almost all cases a detached retina can be surgically repaired.

You certainly make a lot of excuses for supporting this asshole. What gets me is he didn't want to give you "his" money just to pay bills.

Stay with him based on hoping he'll someday realize his "potential." It will cost you a helluva lot more than money. But I believe you realize this.

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