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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have posted recently on the addiction page. But I am new to all of this. I am new to finally being able to share my feelings with anyone. My H is an addict but I really think I may have caused it. I enabled before I knew by bringing alcohol into the house. I was trying to make him happy because frankly I have realized that while he is an attractive man I am just gross. I am overweight and just not pretty. I think he may just pretend to love me for my bank account which is not even that impressive. I am fat and ugly but I try very hard to be a nice person. We don't even have relations anymore. At first I thought it was because of his addiction and things just weren't working but now I think it is because of me. I'm sorry if this is tmi. I don't have anywhere else to vent.
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How long have you been together? How does your husband treat you?

I am sorry that you are feeling down on your appearance... I've been there and I know how awful it feels. Try to focus on your beautiful and attractive qualities - outside and in. :)
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I just read your other thread and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.Your H has a serious problem with alcohol so don't let what he says or does affect your self esteem.You're trying your best and your actions and concern are those of a decent and caring wife.Imo you need to find some support where you are as you appear isolated and on your own facing this turmoil.Seek out the ALANON groups in your area as they are a great resource and support for people like you who are in similar situations.They can help you in the right direction.Please don't beat yourself up anymore for what your H is doing and take care.
 

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I wouldn't blame yourself. How people present themselves has to lot to do with things. I happened to see a woman at a social event. She was undoubtedly heavy, but there was something sexy about her, maybe the way she carried herself, her confidence, fun-loving way.

I would try to dress well, and work on staying in good health while maintaining a positive image. Do note though, it is annoying for a man to deal with a woman who complains about being heavy and says she is on a diet but isn't. At the other end of the spectrum is someone who is sex,l confident, and adventuous.
 

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Suggestions for you...get into a local alanon meeting. And seek out counseling for your self esteem. You got a lot of work that needs to be done within yourself. As far as your husband, he is an alcoholic, he needs help to, you can suggest it to him but he will likely dismiss what you say. Take care of you, you can't fix or change him, but you can yourself. Also, self blame helps nothing. YOU did NOT cause his addiction, thats on him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I wouldn't blame yourself. How people present themselves has to lot to do with things. I happened to see a woman at a social event. She was undoubtedly heavy, but there was something sexy about her, maybe the way she carried herself, her confidence, fun-loving way.

I would try to dress well, and work on staying in good health while maintaining a positive image. Do note though, it is annoying for a man to deal with a woman who complains about being heavy and says she is on a diet but isn't. At the other end of the spectrum is someone who is sex,l confident, and adventuous.
Gosh I wish I was a lady who said I was on a diet and then cheated by eating crap. I am a 100% disabled United States veteran and my physical candition keeps me from being a cute tiny thing. I eat right and I try to do what I can but I will never be in shape and cute again. Sorry those fake dieting ladies bug you- but do you know their whole story?
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You've selflessly given up parts of yourself and your health for a "greater cause", and that is beautiful quality, my friend! :) You might not ever be "tiny and cute" again, but what are your options for changing what you *can* change? Don't set unrealistic goals... But do what you can to make YOURSELF feel good and feel happy! What are some of those things?

I agree that your husband seems very troubled and he needs your help, as well as his own. I haven't read your other thread others were referring to, so I don't know in what ways this is affecting you, but speaking from my own experience with addicts, I know it will be a long and difficult process. If you can, surround yourself with support people... I think ALANON is a great network and if you can get there and participate it may help you in the long run.

Wishing you the best! :)
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
You've selflessly given up parts of yourself and your health for a "greater cause", and that is beautiful quality, my friend! :) You might not ever be "tiny and cute" again, but what are your options for changing what you *can* change? Don't set unrealistic goals... But do what you can to make YOURSELF feel good and feel happy! What are some of those things?

I agree that your husband seems very troubled and he needs your help, as well as his own. I haven't read your other thread others were referring to, so I don't know in what ways this is affecting you, but speaking from my own experience with addicts, I know it will be a long and difficult process. If you can, surround yourself with support people... I think ALANON is a great network and if you can get there and participate it may help you in the long run.

Wishing you the best! :)
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I have never gone to Alanon but I have found a group here. I don't know what to expect. Are they going to look at me and judge me and expect me to "prove" myself? I don't know if I can handle that anymore. The medical professionals I have dealt with treated me very badly until they realized what happened and had to do emergency things. My friends and family have mocked me and told me to suck it all up and sweep everything under the carpet and say I have things good enough so I should just be quiet and let things work themselves out. I can't deal with trying to walk into another group as the stranger and being judged.
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I have never gone to Alanon but I have found a group here. I don't know what to expect. Are they going to look at me and judge me and expect me to "prove" myself? I don't know if I can handle that anymore. The medical professionals I have dealt with treated me very badly until they realized what happened and had to do emergency things. My friends and family have mocked me and told me to suck it all up and sweep everything under the carpet and say I have things good enough so I should just be quiet and let things work themselves out. I can't deal with trying to walk into another group as the stranger and being judged.
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NOPE.You will NOT be judged. Everyone there is equal. Everyone there is dealing with the same sh!t you are, just in different configurations. You will feel very accepted, and you dont have to talk if you dont want to. You will ask yourself why you didnt do this sooner.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
NOPE.You will NOT be judged. Everyone there is equal. Everyone there is dealing with the same sh!t you are, just in different configurations. You will feel very accepted, and you dont have to talk if you dont want to. You will ask yourself why you didnt do this sooner.
I am so afraid. I used to think I was brave. But I am so afraid.
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I am so afraid. I used to think I was brave. But I am so afraid.
Being afraid is pretty normal.

My guess is that everyone who goes to Alanon is afraid the first time. And you have a lot more going on that can make you self concious and concerned.

What you might want to do is to call the chapter you found and see if there is someone you can talk to in advance. That way you have a contact or 'friend' waiting for you when you go.

Your family is of course wrong telling you that you should just suck it up. That's just nonsense.
 

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I am so afraid. I used to think I was brave. But I am so afraid.
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EVERYONE is afraid. The only difference is that some go and do anyway, and some let fear stop them.

It's ok to have fear. We all do. Lots of it and lots of fears, but you still get up every morning and you still live your life, so just keep on keeping on. You can do one thing different, I have faith.
 

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Listen to me....you have more than enough on your plate at the moment. But the absolute worst thing that you can do is to blame yourself for your husband's behavior. I am a strong suporter of the idea that we choose our own choices. Your husband has a drinking problem. Unless you forced him agaisnt his will to start drinking, his problem has nothing to do with you. If it were true that your husband started drinking because you are fat and ugly and just gross, then why didn't he leave you in the first place? Was he a coward or what...? If you made his life so damn misearable, why didn't he go?

In addition, I want you to remember that YOU, yourself, are your one and most valuable asset. Treat it with respect and care. I heard someone once say "learn to love yourself the way you would love your child" and I found it very true. As far as your looks, please remember that no matter who you are and what you look like, everyone but absolutely everyone has something they are not happy with when it comes to looks. Whether is weight, or thin hair, or yellow teeth, or wide calves, or simply a birth mark, you name it! The secret is to learn to accept yourself, to love yourself for the beautiful human being you are and for your contributions to this world.

There is a theory in my life that I practice. I call it "act as if.." If you are not happy, act as if you are - and you will get there. If you are scared of something, act as if you are not and you will overcome the fear. If you find yourself unattractive, act as if you are and you will start feeling beautiful before you know it. I know this for a fact! I would also advise you watch the film "The secret". You can find it on youtube and I assure you it will change your life just like it changed mine.

In the meantime, I would suggest you get yourself something new. Like a new dress or a pair of heels or a bright red lipgloss (you get the point). Do something fun with your hair. Put your pink glasses on and stop blaming yourself for the failures of those around you! Think about where you want to see your life in the next 3 to 6 months? What do you want to happen? Don't stress out whether or how the things that you dream for will happen. Focus on the end result only and you will be just fine, I promise! :)
 

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Please don't be so hard on yourself. I professionally dress people and I 100% believe it isn't weight that makes people beautiful, it's how you carry yourself. Only let yourself speak positively about you. You are an amazing person, you are worthwhile. If your husband doesn't see that it is his loss and his problem. Be the best YOU you can be. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thank you all so much!!! I think right now or up until this afternoon all he could see was the bottle. I still have to look in the mirror everyday and just be disgusted.
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