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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just read on the internet (yeah I know you can't believe everything on the net, but it sounds reasonable) that experts say if a spouse gains 20% of their total body weight that divorce is more likely.
 

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I could see that. My H is above the 20% gain. we've been working. On our issues for a while and just started to see meaningful connecting. Hardly a reason to ditch. A marriage just cause they got fat, all else being. Still good. But people who are making a good marriage and enjoying life Dont usually become fat... Hmmm cart/horse?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I could see that. My H is above the 20% gain. we've been working. On our issues for a while and just started to see meaningful connecting. Hardly a reason to ditch. A marriage just cause they got fat, all else being. Still good. But people who are making a good marriage and enjoying life Dont usually become fat... Hmmm cart/horse?

I think people in good marriages gain weight. A lot of people are naturally thin when they are younger. When one ages the metabolism slows down and a lot of people find that it is a lot harder to stay thin as they age.
 

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Just read on the internet (yeah I know you can't believe everything on the net, but it sounds reasonable) that experts say if a spouse gains 20% of their total body weight that divorce is more likely.
This is nothing unusual. Gaining weight usually comes with changes of lifestyle which is not always agreeable with the other party.
 

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I wasn't referring to the typical filling out, the usual weight gain. I was referring to being 50-75 pound heavier that when we got married. Going from a youthful skinny to middle age full is normal. Going from a youthful buff to middle age obese is not.
 

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"more likely" is so lame **** vague as to render it meaningless.

If someone lacks self-respect, energy and action to take care of business then of course they are "more likely" to be dissed.

Captain Obvious is nor a super hero
 

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Just goes to shoe how shallow people are becoming in these times.
I wholeheartedly beg to differ. Are you or have you been in that situation? I am, and my marriage is getting ready to become one of those statistics.

Let me also add that significant weight gain is almost always linked with other issues in the marriage...chronic depression, low energy, lack of motivation, decrease in shared fun/entertainment, negative impacts on sex...I could go on and on.
 

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87% of serial killers have eaten carrots at least once in their lives.
 

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When people gain a lot of weight for 'no reason at all,' there's usually a reason in there somewhere.

If I was in a relationship with someone who gradually started gaining a lot of weight and not taking care of themselves, I'd be more interested in finding out why and trying to help them get back on track, rather than serving them with divorce papers.
 

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When people gain a lot of weight for 'no reason at all,' there's usually a reason in there somewhere.

If I was in a relationship with someone who gradually started gaining a lot of weight and not taking care of themselves, I'd be more interested in finding out why and trying to help them get back on track, rather than serving them with divorce papers.
In my case it's not "rather than"...I did try, I pushed him to see a doctor, I helped him deal with the side effects of his medications for his Bipolar 2, I researched doctors, psychiatrists, everything to help him get the best care possible. I encouraged him to go to IC. I did the dishes, laundry, yard work, bills, housekeeping, cooking, appointments, caring for our son, working full time, while he slept on the couch for hours everyday after work and on weekends. I kept a stiff upper lip when I was exhausted beyond description, physically and emotionally, because he needed me to be strong.

All of that I did to help him care for himself and get better. Instead he got fatter and thought nothing more of what I did for him than what what a "good wife" naturally should do. So I have exhausted all options as far as it depends on me. I'm done.
 

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In my case it's not "rather than"...I did try, I pushed him to see a doctor, I helped him deal with the side effects of his medications for his Bipolar 2, I researched doctors, psychiatrists, everything to help him get the best care possible. I encouraged him to go to IC. I did the dishes, laundry, yard work, bills, housekeeping, cooking, appointments, caring for our son, working full time, while he slept on the couch for hours everyday after work and on weekends. I kept a stiff upper lip when I was exhausted beyond description, physically and emotionally, because he needed me to be strong.

All of that I did to help him care for himself and get better. Instead he got fatter and thought nothing more of what I did for him than what what a "good wife" naturally should do. So I have exhausted all options as far as it depends on me. I'm done.
Yes, you have exhausted the options FOR YOU. I, too, am dealing with a spouse who is on medications for Bipolar 2 (not officially dx with bipolar 2, but bipolar for sure), anxiety, add, and now he is getting physical therapy for his back. In his case, he HAS been seeing IC from the start. He has gained a significant amount of weight... I believe around 70 pounds, and he was overweight to begin with.

I do the cleaning, cooking, dealing with the kids. He was sleeping all the time, for the longest time. But his weight gain and all that certainly haven't propelled me toward divorce court. Far from it. Like Cosmos said, I am more interested in getting him better than pushing him out the door.

Weight gain, in and of itself, isn't a good reason for divorce. But that's just my opinion, I know.
 

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When people gain a lot of weight for 'no reason at all,' there's usually a reason in there somewhere.

If I was in a relationship with someone who gradually started gaining a lot of weight and not taking care of themselves, I'd be more interested in finding out why and trying to help them get back on track, rather than serving them with divorce papers.
Okay, so following your train of thought...

Spouse has gained 25 in first five years. Works a lot, marriage growing distant as a result of not spending enough time together. No activities are started, no increase in effort to eat better. Conversation about weight gain, concern expressed, desire to be more healthy expressed, marriage continues to drift.

Ten years later and another 25 pounds, same conversation, same suggestions for activities, work outs, same agreement, do more eat less. Same effort in marriage, coasting to a stand still.

Up to twenty five years together, all conversations, support offered, ideas discussed, doctors consulted, same effort-meaning nothing more than lip service, same result, more weight gain.

Now here we are at 28 years and 75 pounds and a mile apart in terms of connection.

Can you not see where a spouse can wonder why they should stay with someone who refuses to respond? Can you not see that the weight is actually just a symptom of extreme detachment? A spouse cannot force the other to get back into life. But after so many years of trying at some point you have to decide if this spouse, who has checked out of the marriage and even life, is this what you want to be with the rest of your life? No, the answer is no. Shallow, has nothing what so ever to do with a spouse wanting a full and vibrant life. Having a spouse with a buff body would be fabulous but I'd much rather he have a buff mind and energetic engagement in the relationship. I don't expect or even want buff, just healthy.

Please understand this isn't about "he's fat so I'm out of here." This is because he's given up on life on the relationship, on everything and if he wants to end his days passively watching TV, it won't be me sitting next to him.

My marriage is working it's way back. We've come a long way in the past two years, but there is still a long way to go and losing weight is part of the deal. I want a partner not an invalid.

And the same goes for men who's wives have gained and gained to the point where the shut themselves off from the life around them. Where they can't go to amusement parks cause they can't fit on the rides. I'm not talking about being a size 2 or even a 12, but a size 22 probably not getting on a horse, or a roller coaster, or going for a hike, snorkeling, kayaking, rock climbing. There's a whole world of fun stuff we tend to put off raising kids and when they're gone, both spouses need to be healthy enough to go do it!
 

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Okay, so following your train of thought...

Spouse has gained 25 in first five years. Works a lot, marriage growing distant as a result of not spending enough time together. No activities are started, no increase in effort to eat better. Conversation about weight gain, concern expressed, desire to be more healthy expressed, marriage continues to drift.

Ten years later and another 25 pounds, same conversation, same suggestions for activities, work outs, same agreement, do more eat less. Same effort in marriage, coasting to a stand still.

Up to twenty five years together, all conversations, support offered, ideas discussed, doctors consulted, same effort-meaning nothing more than lip service, same result, more weight gain.

Now here we are at 28 years and 75 pounds and a mile apart in terms of connection.

Can you not see where a spouse can wonder why they should stay with someone who refuses to respond? Can you not see that the weight is actually just a symptom of extreme detachment? A spouse cannot force the other to get back into life. But after so many years of trying at some point you have to decide if this spouse, who has checked out of the marriage and even life, is this what you want to be with the rest of your life? No, the answer is no. Shallow, has nothing what so ever to do with a spouse wanting a full and vibrant life. Having a spouse with a buff body would be fabulous but I'd much rather he have a buff mind and energetic engagement in the relationship. I don't expect or even want buff, just healthy.

Please understand this isn't about "he's fat so I'm out of here." This is because he's given up on life on the relationship, on everything and if he wants to end his days passively watching TV, it won't be me sitting next to him.

My marriage is working it's way back. We've come a long way in the past two years, but there is still a long way to go and losing weight is part of the deal. I want a partner not an invalid.

And the same goes for men who's wives have gained and gained to the point where the shut themselves off from the life around them. Where they can't go to amusement parks cause they can't fit on the rides. I'm not talking about being a size 2 or even a 12, but a size 22 probably not getting on a horse, or a roller coaster, or going for a hike, snorkeling, kayaking, rock climbing. There's a whole world of fun stuff we tend to put off raising kids and when they're gone, both spouses need to be healthy enough to go do it!
I'll be sure to bring this up to my own husband... oh, and ask my parents why they stuck together when they were both working all the time and had a lot of weight gain (just celebrated 39th anniversary in October). Sorry, but no, I agree with Cosmos, still.
 

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In my case it's not "rather than"...I did try, I pushed him to see a doctor, I helped him deal with the side effects of his medications for his Bipolar 2, I researched doctors, psychiatrists, everything to help him get the best care possible. I encouraged him to go to IC. I did the dishes, laundry, yard work, bills, housekeeping, cooking, appointments, caring for our son, working full time, while he slept on the couch for hours everyday after work and on weekends. I kept a stiff upper lip when I was exhausted beyond description, physically and emotionally, because he needed me to be strong.

All of that I did to help him care for himself and get better. Instead he got fatter and thought nothing more of what I did for him than what what a "good wife" naturally should do. So I have exhausted all options as far as it depends on me. I'm done.
Mental health issues impact not only on the sufferer but those around them, and it sounds as though you're exhausted from trying to help your H with nothing to show for it... It's difficult to continue being someone else's pillar of strength when their illness is impacting on you to such an extent...

Did your H go for IC? Would it help for you to speak to the counselor and tell him/her that you're having difficulties in coping with your H's illness? Has your H discussed the possibility with his doctor that the meds might be helping him to pile on the weight?
 
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Yes, you have exhausted the options FOR YOU. I, too, am dealing with a spouse who is on medications for Bipolar 2 (not officially dx with bipolar 2, but bipolar for sure), anxiety, add, and now he is getting physical therapy for his back. In his case, he HAS been seeing IC from the start. He has gained a significant amount of weight... I believe around 70 pounds, and he was overweight to begin with.

I do the cleaning, cooking, dealing with the kids. He was sleeping all the time, for the longest time. But his weight gain and all that certainly haven't propelled me toward divorce court. Far from it. Like Cosmos said, I am more interested in getting him better than pushing him out the door.

Weight gain, in and of itself, isn't a good reason for divorce. But that's just my opinion, I know.
Maricha, I'm very happy that you are content with your marriage. I don't recall anyone judging you for sticking around. We all agree that weight gain, exclusive of anything else, is not a reason to leave. What wakinguptolife and I are talking about is that the weight, is only a symptom. A symptom the spouse uses as an excuse to be disengaged (in my case) and or selfish (in waking up's case) and not do their part to groom the marriage. Clearly your husband is grooming your marriage well enough to keep you happy. Ours, isn't and ours hasn't and we've decided enough is enough.
 
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And the same goes for men who's wives have gained and gained to the point where the shut themselves off from the life around them. Where they can't go to amusement parks cause they can't fit on the rides. I'm not talking about being a size 2 or even a 12, but a size 22 probably not getting on a horse, or a roller coaster, or going for a hike, snorkeling, kayaking, rock climbing. There's a whole world of fun stuff we tend to put off raising kids and when they're gone, both spouses need to be healthy enough to go do it!
Also, I just wanted to add that I wasn't size 22, but size THIRTY-TWO when I went with my parents, my husband, and my oldest son to Disney World before I had weight loss surgery. I was able to go on all the rides I WANTED to go on. The only ones I chose NOT to go on are the ones that lift you off the ground. And it isn't because of weight. It is a fear of heights that I have had since I was a child.

Now, I lost 200 pounds from my surgery, but have gained some back and am looking at getting the excess skin removed to make it easier to move around. I haven't been a size 22 since I was about 20 years old. I was never into the activities you mentioned: kayaking, snorkeling, etc. even when I was smaller. Those were never activities I enjoyed. So, honestly, things like that would offer no motivation for me.

Ugh! Anyway, the whole amusement park rides argument is nonsense. Even at over 400 pounds, I was able to go on them. The only thing I agree with in your post is that it would behoove spouses to get healthy.
 

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Yes, you have exhausted the options FOR YOU. I, too, am dealing with a spouse who is on medications for Bipolar 2 (not officially dx with bipolar 2, but bipolar for sure), anxiety, add, and now he is getting physical therapy for his back. In his case, he HAS been seeing IC from the start. He has gained a significant amount of weight... I believe around 70 pounds, and he was overweight to begin with.

I do the cleaning, cooking, dealing with the kids. He was sleeping all the time, for the longest time. But his weight gain and all that certainly haven't propelled me toward divorce court. Far from it. Like Cosmos said, I am more interested in getting him better than pushing him out the door.

Weight gain, in and of itself, isn't a good reason for divorce. But that's just my opinion, I know.
Weight gain, as in I want a divorce because the scale has gone up "X" number of pounds, isn't a good reason for divorce. The point is that the weight gain CAUSES so many other issues within the marriage. It's not about the weight as much as it is about the profound effect it has on the lifestyle of BOTH marriage partners. My H despises physical activity. He can't do things that we used to like to do, like explore caves, go hiking, go on roller coasters, etc. Terrible consequences on our sex life. I've talked about this ad nauseum in other threads. If he were TRYING to lose weight, showing an effort in getting healthier, of course I'd be right there with him. But if he won't, if he just gives up on life and figures this is "how it is", that's not fair to me or my son. I don't have to stick around watching him kill himself slowly.
 

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Is there a study on baldness? Do men lose their spouses when they become bald? After all, if they married before they lost their hair, and they changed, doesn't the wife have justification for divorcing them since the physical model has changed?
 

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Anon Pink said:- Please understand this isn't about "he's fat so I'm out of here." This is because he's given up on life on the relationship, on everything and if he wants to end his days passively watching TV, it won't be me sitting next to him.

My marriage is working it's way back. We've come a long way in the past two years, but there is still a long way to go and losing weight is part of the deal. I want a partner not an invalid.
I think it's slightly different when you've spent literally years trying to help someone get back on track, as you have, to no avail... It sounds like your H has allowed himself to drift into an unhealthy lifestyle and, quite understandably, it's not a lifestyle you want to share.

At the stage you are at right now, I don't believe that it's at all unreasonable for a spouse to issue an ultimatum.
 
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