[HarryBosch]

Oh no, I don't mean that you cannot offer advice...I think you must have very good advice from your experiences!!! I was responding to what you said about your EX saying that you ruined your marriage and you adding in the bolded that SHE had a part in that...which I think is unfair of you. Because you should know that if SHE had come here posting about your issues, EVERYONE would have told her to leave you. Some on here even equate porn with cheating (I don't), and would have told her that.

You make very good points about dual responsibilities for partners' issues in a marriage. However, there comes a point when your supposed partner is CAUSING your anxiety and fear because they have damaged your trust so badly, and the toxicity reaches critical levels, and then emotional survival is the only option. That is what your story made me think of for your partner.

Hey Lisa... The anxiety and fear were my own. I couldn't grow a set and be a man. The truth is, my response is coming from a place where I'm not sure of anything right now, and that response could very well be.

I did ruin everything, and I know "I'm Sorry" isn't going to cut it.

 

[RebuildingMe]

What about somebody like me who is divorcing because her husband had an affair? He says our divorce is actually my fault because I decided I couldn’t work on reconciliation anymore while he is still willing to try. It’s my fault that we are divorcing because I decided I can’t trust him and that I don’t want to feel like second fiddle and those feelings are my fault.

I think what @HarryBosch is trying to say is that successful and unsuccessful marriages are contributions from both spouses. Affairs suck and are unforgivable in my opinion. The affairs aside, I had my faults in both marriages. Whether it was drinking too much occasionally, not supporting her when my daughter moved in with us, whatever. I agree, no one is perfect. I also agree with you on leaving your marriage because an affair IS the red line. Once crossed, there’s no coming back.

 

[HarryBosch]

What about somebody like me who is divorcing because her husband had an affair? He says our divorce is actually my fault because I decided I couldn’t work on reconciliation anymore while he is still willing to try. It’s my fault that we are divorcing because I decided I can’t trust him and that I don’t want to feel like second fiddle and those feelings are my fault.

There is a difference when someone is projecting every fault on the other. People can be irrational.. that was the caveat in all of this. He may have been put off over something ridiculously stupid, and that behavior caused another stupid decision, then another. I'm not saying it's anyone's fault, but the perfect spouse never said anything in jest? Something triggers everyone, No matter how silly, and some go off the deep end.

 

[HarryBosch]

I think what @HarryBosch is trying to say is that successful and unsuccessful marriages are contributions from both spouses. Affairs suck and are unforgivable in my opinion. The affairs aside, I had my faults in both marriages. Whether it was drinking too much occasionally, not supporting her when my daughter moved in with us, whatever. I agree, no one is perfect. I also agree with you on leaving your marriage because an affair IS the red line. Once crossed, there’s no coming back.

That is exactly what I'm trying to say. The affair is the blow up... it's what got one there that is much more difficult to ascertain... and it's usually something very stupid and irrational.

 

[HarryBosch]

I will add that folks will always believe when someone is lying that they automatically had an affair. That is a stereotype.

I lied through my teeth, and I spilled everything.. I wanted to be free of the lies, that is a burden I no longer wanted to carry, and no longer wanted to continue causing damage. I have a long road in therapy.. but I never had an EA or a PA. To not spill that would not have allowed me to be free from the lies.

 

[lifeistooshort]

Blaming the betrayed spouse for wanting a divorce is standard cheater MO. My ex did it too.....lied about everything until he realized what I already knew and then he admitted to exactly what he thought I knew and no more. Until he realized I knew more then the story changed again.

But hey....he half assed apologized and went to a couple of counseling sessions (where he participated minimally...just enough to lie more) so why couldn't I just let it go? Why did I want to be miserable?

It's never what they did...it's your reaction to it. Cheaters are selfish and entitled by nature.

 

[Erudite]

From my perspective his behavior drove me away. His perspective and I quote. "You are the one who left." Like I was unwilling to try to save us. That line also had the follow up "You will be okay from now on because I set it up to be that way." There was the non apology "I made some decisions that didn't work out."

The level to which my ex takes zero accountability boggles my mind.

 

[Erudite]

Blaming the betrayed spouse for wanting a divorce is standard cheater MO. My ex did it too.....lied about everything until he realized what I already knew and then he admitted to exactly what he thought I knew and no more. Until he realized I knew more then the story changed again.

But hey....he half assed apologized and went to a couple of counseling sessions (where he participated minimally...just enough to lie more) so why couldn't I just let it go? Why did I want to be miserable?

It's never what they did...it's your reaction to it. Cheaters are selfish and entitled by nature.

Cheaters AND abusers!

 

[Cocomoon]

Cheaters AND abusers!

Well my therapist says that cheating is a form of abuse, so of course.

 

[Bulfrog1987]

Mine made fun of my part-time job as the director of a daycare program, told me I was “too booshie’ to live in $100 a month trailer (not sure what all that meant, but he was drunk when he said it) and said I would never be equal to him. Oh and also I am a Christian *****.

Excuse me? Remember when you had $300 to your name and were almost in bankruptcy? Who dug you out of financial ruin and married you when you had nothing?

Sadly, he’s not my ex so to speak but my LH,all that was just leading up to him taking his life. I thought he hated me, but it was himself he hates. I just couldn’t see it then.

 

[LisaDiane]

Hey Lisa... The anxiety and fear were my own. I couldn't grow a set and be a man. The truth is, my response is coming from a place where I'm not sure of anything right now, and that response could very well be.

I did ruin everything, and I know "I'm Sorry" isn't going to cut it.

I believe you are being honest and genuine about your feelings, and no matter the reason, I'm sorry you are in such a difficult place right now.

 

[RebuildingMe]

Mine made fun of my part-time job as the director of a daycare program, told me I was “too booshie’ to live in $100 a month trailer (not sure what all that meant, but he was drunk when he said it) and said I would never be equal to him. Oh and also I am a Christian *.

Excuse me? Remember when you had $300 to your name and were almost in bankruptcy? Who dug you out of financial ruin and married you when you had nothing?

Sadly, he’s not my ex so to speak but my LH,all that was just leading up to him taking his life. I thought he hated me, but it was himself he hates. I just couldn’t see it then.

Stupid me always thought LH was loving husband. Now I see it means late husband for you. I’m asleep at the switch. I’m sorry.

 

[Bulfrog1987]

Stupid me always thought LH was loving husband. Now I see it means late husband for you. I’m asleep at the switch. I’m sorry.

Haha actually, I probably should put LH, I should be spelling that out. Lazy me. Lol

 

[LATERILUS79]

I was definitely told my “stupid marriage site” was causing us problems.

how interesting.

you mean the site filled with people that give me a different perspective instead of the one you constantly control?

 

[Bulfrog1987]

I was definitely told my “stupid marriage site” was causing us problems.

how interesting.

you mean the site filled with people that give me a different perspective instead of the one you constantly control?

Yea, my husband didn’t want me talking to anyone about our issues. He wanted one to control the narrative or make sure I wasn’t getting any advice that could steer me away from our relationship.

 

[LATERILUS79]

Yea, my husband didn’t want me talking to anyone about our issues. He wanted one to control the narrative or make sure I wasn’t getting any advice that could steer me away from our relationship.

Funny how people like that work.

they don’t like it when you are given all the information - you might just find out they aren’t all that great of a person.

 

[Numb26]

Funny how people like that work.

they don’t like it when you are given all the information - you might just find out they aren’t all that great of a person.

I don't think my XW ever knew I was here during that time

 

[cp3o]

Not last - but in their own way final.......
"I'm almost glad you caught me - I think I was getting to the stage where I would have sex with any man"

(I have good reasons for thinking (no certain proof) that her BF's husband had been sharing her with his pals).

 

[lifeistooshort]

I was definitely told my “stupid marriage site” was causing us problems.

how interesting.

you mean the site filled with people that give me a different perspective instead of the one you constantly control?

Anyone who tells you not to put up with their ******** is the enemy.

That's how this works 😅

 

[RebuildingMe]

Funny how people like that work.

they don’t like it when you are given all the information - you might just find out they aren’t all that great of a person.

She felt threatened that I was getting advice from others on TAM. Up until that time, I was just being steamrolled by her and her parents.