Have you told your wife you will not let him move in and you will divorce her over this?
Doubtable. Otherwise she and her family would not basically decide alone without consulting really him or valueing his opinion.Your marriage will be stronger if you treat your special needs brother in law with love and compassion. Your wife will see that you are a good man who loves her family as your own.
Conflict avoidence does you no favours. If you won't be blunt and direct with your wife, you are setting yourself up for resentment and failure.
If you don't want him to move in, have the strength and integrity to own exactly that and tell your wife exactly that.
If you want to take the weak and insipid path, huff and puff without getting to the point, and play covert contract games while pretending you aren't responsible for a mess of you own choosing.
What's to work out? You aren't interested in providing for your brother in law.I'm not avoiding conflict, as the situation in question hasn't even happened yet.
The idea I get divorce or start seriously talking about it over something she might attempt in the next several years seems pretty severe without first trying to work something out first.
What "special needs" does he have?So my wife has a brother with special needs, he currently lives with his parents. He is "high functioning", he held a job, had his own place, was even "married" at one time to another woman with special needs (but it didn't work out), etc
Anyway, out of the blue there's now a serious push to the idea that he will be moving in with us and I need to accept that. Lately he's been coming over quite a bit and spending a lot of time. He's a nice human being, there's no friction or problems, but this is a massive burden to take on.
There was never any discussion about this, and my solution in the future when the parents can no longer care for him is to let him live in a care facility that specializes in this. They have the resources to make this happen. There is also another sibling involved that can also split up the care. My point is, this is not a situation where someone is getting put on the street.
Anyway, our marriage has been having a lot of problems anyway, and this truly will be the last straw if it comes to a head. I'm sure this makes me the worst human being on Earth for not wanting to take care of a special needs individual for the rest of my natural life, but it's simply a non-starter. It's also not fair that oner person gets to make this decision, it's almost like adopting someone with only one parent's permission.
Has anyone else faced a dilemma like this?
I suggest this to start with. It's your wife's brother and I imagine she has spent many years with him and may not even think that's it's ok for him to go to a care facility.Your marriage will be stronger if you treat your special needs brother in law with love and compassion. Your wife will see that you are a good man who loves her family as your own. However, it's your life and your choice so do what you feel right. You understand your situation the most. I know with my heart that I will be able to accept my spouse's special needs family member because my DH would do the same for me, but I do not judge others who refuse to do the same.
"Blood is thicker than water." A spouse's heart will never truly belong to you if you do not love him/her enough to love his or her family members as your own. Life is short. There will be a time when we all become very vulnerable and need someone to care for us. Taking care of my spouse's family member is not a burden to me. It would be a blessing to have that opportunity.Doubtable. Otherwise she and her family would not basically decide alone without consulting really him or valueing his opinion.
Realistically his wife will spend more time caring about her brother and get more and more distant towards him, especially if they had problems already. Could also be a move to end the M. If he leaves over that, M is over, if he refuses to let the brother move in, M is over and if the brother stays the M will most likely be over soon because it will exacerbate the situation they are already in. Especially if the status of his BIL is deteriorating.
Personally I do not see this as a problem. He can choose to share the responsibilities to take care the special needs BIL. It could become a wonderful connection between the husband and wife who shares a common goal. I would be scared to marry a spouse who is cold towards his own family. If he does not love his own biological family, how could I expect him to be kind to me when I become sick or dying? The OP's wife seems like a responsible person who does not turn her back on her brother.Realistically his wife will spend more time caring about her brother and get more and more distant towards him, especially if they had problems already
Actually, I think it DOES mean she chose her brother over her husband.He can divorce his wife when her special needs brother moves in. It's his choice, but that is not her fault. It does not mean she chose her brother over her husband, it's just because she is a nice and responsible sibling who is not fortunate enough to have a supportive spouse.