[filo123]

I had previously posted this questions and got very little response. So here is the cliff notes version:

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. no kids. Both 26 yrs old. Dated for 2 years prior to marriage.

Am I being unreasonable?

Once a month my side of the family gets together. This is the only time we are all together. Other than that we hardly go visit each other.

My wife dislikes the idea of us getting together. For the last 3 years I have asked her to go even though she was not comfortable. After many discussions about the situation I told her that if she didn't want to go with me than that was fine. That I would go by myself.

Now she is upset that I will go by myself. She wanted me to tel them that we both wouldn't go anymore. She feels that now my family will look bad at her for not wanting to go.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. We go to her family's place at least 1 or 2 times per week.

What do you think?

full thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/62438-immediate-family.html#post1263817

 

[DayDream]

I had previously posted this questions and got very little response. So here is the cliff notes version:

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. no kids. Both 26 yrs old. Dated for 2 years prior to marriage.

Am I being unreasonable?

Once a month my side of the family gets together. This is the only time we are all together. Other than that we hardly go visit each other.

My wife dislikes the idea of us getting together. For the last 3 years I have asked her to go even though she was not comfortable. After many discussions about the situation I told her that if she didn't want to go with me than that was fine. That I would go by myself.

Now she is upset that I will go by myself. She wanted me to tel them that we both wouldn't go anymore. She feels that now my family will look bad at her for not wanting to go.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. We go to her family's place at least 1 or 2 times per week.

What do you think?

full thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/62438-immediate-family.html#post1263817

She's being unreasonable. And not a little selfish.

 

[CanadianGuy]

Why does she dislike going to visit your family?

 

[filo123]

I can't get her to tell me. All she says is she feels uncomfortable.

I suspect she is jealous of my sister. My wife has complained to me that she thinks my sister feels that she needs to take care of me. I am the youngest and my sister and I were very close growing up.

I have gotten to the point where I hardly talk to her or any of my family members. It even makes me uncomfortable visiting them because I am afraid of my wife's reaction.

 

[CanadianGuy]

I can't get her to tell me. All she says is she feels uncomfortable.

I suspect she is jealous of my sister. My wife has complained to me that she thinks my sister feels that she needs to take care of me. I am the youngest and my sister and I were very close growing up.

I have gotten to the point where I hardly talk to her or any of my family members. It even makes me uncomfortable visiting them because I am afraid of my wife's reaction.

I'm not sure I understand. Is it that your sister feels she needs to take care of you and this is making your wife uncomfortable? Or does she feel like your sister thinks that she ( your wife ) is not doing a good enough job of looking after you?

Why are you afraid of your wife's reaction? Her feelings are her responsibility. This is, as some may also suggest, a sh*t test.

Ask her, besides not going to visit, what it would take to make her feel comfortable. Put the responsibility of her feelings back on her.

Continue to talk to and visit your family and reinforce that it is very important to you to have family time.

 

[filo123]

I am not sure this is the problem but, it is the only thing I can pin point it to. However, my sister does not butt in our personal business. Like I said we hardly talk now, which is not cool.

My wife holds grudges for a long time and gives the silent treatment. She will say that I am taking my family's side and that I have to be on her side.

It is in no way fun or comfortable to live with someone so negative.

 

[Tall Average Guy]

I am not sure this is the problem but, it is the only thing I can pin point it to. However, my sister does not butt in our personal business. Like I said we hardly talk now, which is not cool.

My wife holds grudges for a long time and gives the silent treatment. She will say that I am taking my family's side and that I have to be on her side.

It is in no way fun or comfortable to live with someone so negative.

Tell her you need to know what her side is before you can be on it. That without her telling you why she won't go, she has given you no reason not to go visit your family.

 

[Memento]

I am not sure this is the problem but, it is the only thing I can pin point it to. However, my sister does not butt in our personal business. Like I said we hardly talk now, which is not cool.

My wife holds grudges for a long time and gives the silent treatment. She will say that I am taking my family's side and that I have to be on her side.

It is in no way fun or comfortable to live with someone so negative.

She sounds immature and selfish.
Do you get along with her family?

 

[Chris Taylor]

My wife was like this. She felt insulted by my family (they are very sarcastic) and I did nothing to defend her (since I didn't see their sarcasm as an attack).

When explained I understood and made a compromise that I would go and stay with her and deflect any comments towards her. It was an acceptable compromise.

However I had also gone to all of her family events and I explained to her that not going would have put her in the middle of her family and me, trying to explain why I wouldn't go, and I never wanted to put her in that position, which she was putting me in. I told her that I wouldn't see the need of attending all those family get togethers in the future if she couldn't do the same for me..

 

[filo123]

I do get along with her family, very well. I think of them as my family.

If you read the full thread (see link on first post). My wife has said that she has "sold" me to her family for them to continue liking me. which I know is not true at all for a fact.

Her arguments of how she has "sold" me to her family don't make sense either, because they reflect her own defects and not mine.

 

[filo123]

My wife was like this. She felt insulted by my family (they are very sarcastic) and I did nothing to defend her (since I didn't see their sarcasm as an attack).

When explained I understood and made a compromise that I would go and stay with her and deflect any comments towards her. It was an acceptable compromise.

Similar story but only in reverse. My wife's family is the sarcastic one and always play harsh jokes on each other.

I let her know that I had to adjsut to their behavior even though it was hard because I wanted her to be happy with her family. And that I hoped she would do the same for me and my family to keep me happy.

But, it seems she has not.