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Discussion Starter #1
I have been in an on again, off again relationship with someone for 2 years. The beginning was great, everyone adored him and I. Long story short, he went through a lot of things in his life and treated me less than how I deserved to be treated more than once. I walked away while he "got himself together" and I believe he is there. Problem is, I told everyone EVERYTHING. That's my fault, but I was in a tough spot in my life too and needed the advice/support/strength of those around me until I found my own voice and strength. We both met when we were each in very vulnerable bad situations, we were both volitile for each other and went through a lot together- we seperated and took some time and space and feel we have grown and that everything we went through made us realize what we mean to one antoher. Which is where I am now.

Yes, my friends and family do not like him for good reasons... I do feel ashamed I over shared on aspects of our relationships, certain things that could have been left and worked out between us, and I kow to keep things in a realtionship and not over share anymore. YES I am fully considering and listening to what my friends and family are saying because I know they may see things I don't and have a better perspective on things. I am not dismissing or discounting their opinions, I am just at a stage right now where I am not ready to let go of this and I need to find out on my own, but I am in a constant state of worry and anxiety about my family and friends not accepting this, and feeling like I have to lie that we aren't back together to avoid the looks of disapproval/dissapointment. Or maybe I am scared they will be right this time- but in my heart, I have to give this a final chance. I'm just scared that if I did, and say it worked out- that my family and friends would never accept him or our relatinoships because of all of the things they know.

He has really gotten his life together, and this was an unfortunate "met at the wrong time" kind of situation. This is not 100% set in stone in my mind that we will work out but we are reconnecting and I can't really tell anyone because nobody will approve (except for the select 2 friends who know him and I well enough to look past things). Has anyone had any relationships that turned around, and people embraced/accepted? Or would you reconsider if your friends and family woulnd't accept?
 

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what are we talking here? was he physically abusive? a cheater? some things shouldn't be forgiven or forgotten.

if not, your friends and family still have your best interests at heart, and trust takes a long time to rebuild. Reintroduce them in small doses, and see if they warm up to him.
 

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Well, it's your life and you are entitled to date whomever you please.

If you had one friend or one family member who had a problem with him, you can generally disregard that opinion. However if it is near unanimous that the guy is bad news- well they are probably on to something and do not want you hurt again.

Reid said it. There are (should be) dealbreakers when it comes to who is relationship material. Those who are physically or emotionally abusive; cheaters; hard core drug users...
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Yep, we need more info about what the problems were that you shared with your friends and family before any advice/input can given that fits your situation.
 

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So you matured enough to understand that you shouldn't have over shared your personal relationship stuff with friends and family, but not yet enough to own your own choices in front of them.

Don't feel bad, it takes a while. The only question you have to answer is are you ashamed because they know so much or are you ashamed because they are right? If A), then sack up and own your life to everyone around you. If B), then look long and hard at why you're hell bent on making a bad decision.
 

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Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
Thanks for everyone's reply so far. More information is necessary. It does involve what you would call emotional manipulation and dishonesty, so they and you are right- there are some things that shouldn't be forgiven so maybe I need to reevaluate this and listen to everyone.

As far as family is concerned and what they know...they saw me upset several times after I had done something he didn't agree with and would break up and leave me, or I would find something suspicious and ask him to leave. Briefly, I found him texting sexually inappropriate things to someone, not telling me things (an ex stayed with him, he had a 7 yr old daughter in a different country, or simple things like who he was meeting for dinner), he told me once I lacked "enough substance" for him bc he found pictures of me in my 20s during college and believed I was nothing more than a party girl. None of this is good behavior on paper, I see that.... But I guess my justifications were everyone makes mistakes, I made mistakes in how I handled certain things, and he brought so much more to my life than those bad times. The good outweighed the bs I dealt with and we both weren't in a good place to commit when we first met so with time we have both grown individually and become stronger to see how great we were, and can be. But, and I'm not disagreeing, my family and friends don't see it that way.

To me, I don't want to let go or give up, bc We both feel we have something that's strong but to them relationships should be easier and I deserve more than what he has done or shown. Again....I don't disagree with them, and I understand if everyone has this opinion I may be blindly looking at this or holding onto something that is bad, and at the end of the day- nobody wants to see me hurt it sad. I just can't let go of that feeling that it boiled down to us meeting at the wrong times in our life and we needed to seperate to grow a little more but the damage that was done in the beginning, that I unloaded on everyone will always be there.
 

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Since obviously it won't matter what anyone says to you, why do you continually look for approval and reassurance?

If you want to still date/see him, then do so. Time to make adult decisions and live with the consequences. Quit asking if this is ok for you to do. Cuz if you gotta ask, then you shouldn't do it.
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
One more thing after reading my responses and really thinking about what I'm saying....maybe I'm distracting myself from trying to get their approval or see through all the mess to the man I see to distract myself from the reality of situation or distract myself from glaring red flags.

This is the typical situation where I'm sitting here not wanting to let go of someone bc I see an extreme change in him and I'm hanging on to the though "but he's changed THIS time..." I know how this story ends but I'm struggling to accept it.
 

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Since obviously it won't matter what anyone says to you, why do you continually look for approval and reassurance?

If you want to still date/see him, then do so. Time to make adult decisions and live with the consequences. Quit asking if this is ok for you to do. Cuz if you gotta ask, then you shouldn't do it.
You're right... I wasn't really looking for approval or reassurance. I guess I'm not trusting myself and I should. I just came here to see thoughts of others bc sometimes you are blinded by "love" or what you think is love.

Again you're right in it's time to put on the big girl panties. Thanks for your insights
 

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Well, you ARE being blinded. That what Love tends to do to us. What you have to decide, is with all the little imperfections Love has, there are some pretty big huge ole red flags in there as well.

"You don't always have to be with the one you Love."

I'm really not a fan of moving backwards. So, how does this relationship propel into the future?
 

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I dated one of those men OP. He has a daughter and didn't tell you??? His ex stayed with him and he didn't tell you??? Texting sexual things to another woman??

You are ignoring GLARING red flags here sweets, your family is right. If you were my daughter I'd want you rid of this deadbeat now.
 

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I agree, you are ignoring huge red flags.

Do you know what the difference is between a woman who is in a bad relationship and one who is in a good relationship?

The woman in the bad relationship just keeps make excuses for the guy's bad behavior.

The woman in a good relationship was smart enough to dump any guy who put out red flags... until she found a guy who is a truly good catch.
 

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I once heard my SIL say that while she was hanging onto Mr Wrong, Mr Right probably came, saw and left. Heh, while I don't agree with that necessarily, if you settle for less than what you actually want, that's exactly what you'll get, and say goodbye to your opportunities for something better.

People show you who they really are in their weakest moments as well as their strongest. Life will constantly have ups and downs. Don't depend on the rest of your life being a breeze. He is a cheater and a liar at worst, 'whatever' else at best, that is who he is. What do you really want your partner to be like at his worst moments? At my DH's worst moments he is impatient, cranky, irritating, arrogant and self righteous. I can live with that.

What you need to ask yourself is, 'what can you live with'?
 
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