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We don't even have money left to feed the family. Her actions have made me unemployable. If I make money, I feed my kids, then I pay for their school, then I feed myself, then I'd consider anything else. They are still in school, so I guess my failure is not complete, but there is nothing left. I'm skipping meals myself. This family is pretty much done for. I can't work in the field I am most qualified for anymore because of her having me arrested for a false DV and the business I started after is done for because of COVID. It ate all my savings and my properties I can't give away because our government implemented expropriation without compensation.

Polygraph, I'd love to. I'd love to know, but I'm running my electricity of a generator half the time because of a government not able to keep the lights on and I cannot get out of here because I'm a hated South-African White male who was arrested on a false DV and can no longer work in IT.

I love chess, but this looks like Check and Mate to me.
In my opinion, it would be nice if you could, if that's what you want. Your heart may be broken, despite you say you have accepted the inevitable. After sharing so much time space and history, its sad that most ending marriages are so bitter, ugly, angry, dark. Maybe it requires a certain level of maturity from both sides to achieve. It cant be good to be going through this though, I'm sorry you're here. How are you coping?
my properties I can't give away because our government implemented expropriation without compensation.

- ok this actually hasnt happened (yet). What property are you referring to because maybe I can assist you.
 

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I wouldn't think twice to roll a stone out of the path of someone else, I'm just weary to ask. I guess that's my flaw and I can't attribute my problems because of it to anyone else but myself.
So you're a fallible human, like EVERYONE else. Including your friends. And it's a false record.

Do it if there's a chance you can again become valuable to your kids lives, and to society; a society wherein you can help others again and fully regain that pride.

Often when we're feeling this negative, defeated and nihilistic, taking a chance on something that is positive seems alien and wrong. This is the time you need to slap yourself, get out of this funk, and do the thing that may pull you out of it, even if it feels forced or not like 'you' right now.
 

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You need to emigrate.

Somewhere.....

With the pandemic, and the rampant and crazy unrest all over the world, a lot of people are on the move.
Good people, bad people, talented people, unskilled, you name it.

I admit it, now is the worst time to consider this, but, do it anyway.

If it were me, I would convert to Judaism and consider Israel as a possible new home.

Canada might be a possibility. They are normally looking for skilled future citizens.

Or, you could go to Mexico and walk across the U.S. Southern border.
Our president is allowing anyone in!

Apply for citizenship, now; it takes years for countries to process the paperwork.
The sooner you do this, the longer the process will have to work its way thru the bureaucracy.

On your forms, do not state this charge of DV.
If no court of law charged you, it is moot.

Explain to anyone who asks that you got locked out of your house in the dead of winter, and you broke in.
It was a mistake and charges were not filed.
Leave out the drinking part!

In any interview, simply state that South Africa's economy is falling apart, that jobs are scarce.

You are not an insect, though some few might think this way.
Keep in mind, most people in the world have no sense of history.

When dealing with people that can help you, leave out the bitter face.
Be cheerful.
People want to help those deemed kind.

Life is a game, put on your game shoes.



Are Dee-
 

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It's been two years since my wife had her EA, which I still believe might have been a PA she is lying about, but I can't prove differently. For the sake of my kids I cannot walk away. For two weeks they took the bus to work together and tonight I remember her preening herself in front of the mirror, asking me how she looks. She never asked me that but for those weeks in his presence.

We had a fallout tonight where I confronted her with this fact. She told me she had a meeting at work, yet knew exactly the day I was referring to. She had never preened herself for a meeting like that before or since. Let's put it this way, it was not professional attire, it was of an enticing nature.

Let's be honest about one thing. If I find out there was even as much as a kiss between them, I will file for divorce. She knows it too, which brings me to the knowledge that she will never admit to more than I can prove. She knows my history and that I would not tolerate a hint of a PA. Yet here I am, suspecting that there is more to it than what she is willing to admit, for the sake of self preservation and still not willing to run yet.

I cornered her and she admitted that the preening was for him, but that there was nothing more to it than the EA I know about.

I don't care if it's 20 years from now, but if I find out there is more to this than what I know, it would be the end of it.

It's clear I don't trust her. What is the healthy reaction? I know my perspective is skewed since I've lived through infidelity 3 times and am a little punch drunk at this stage.

Just highlights:

19 yo - My fiancé died in a motorcycle accident while returning from a party where she cheated on me with her ex in full view of friends.

29 yo - Divorced my wife of 4 years because of her adultery.

30 yo - Divorced wife because of an abortion. I thought she killed my child. Found out later the child may have come out a different race.

49 yo - The latest, not as bad by a long shot, but with trust shattered the impact is devastating.

We have two daughters, 10 and 5. I Don't want to ruin their lives, but what is a marriage without trust?
You are suffering because you have chosen to stay with a lying cheater.
Misery is all you'll ever get.
You've chosen to stay in this hell and you will be in emotional hell probably for the rest of the marriage.

If someone cheats they've proven themselves to be unworthy of your heart and untrustworthy. That is your time to leave. You pulled the old "but....for the kids".
I don't want to "ruin the kids lives".

You two separating won't ruin their lives. It could even be a teachable moment for them. Kids....tell the truth and be faithful when you marry because lying and cheating destroys the heart of their mate and breaks up families like mommy has done to us. Learn from our mistakes and be a better spouse when you grow up.

You have chosen to stay with this liar. You have chosen to stay with this selfish, unfaithful person. Every moment of pain, doubt, worry, moment of anxiety, insecurity you feel. You've signed up for it. You chose to stay and to keep suffering. You never stay with a cheater but you chose to.
Do stupid things.......win stupid prizes.
 

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Intellectually, yes. I have not lost the ability to program. Security wise, every time I have to put down my thumb (which is always) the arrest record for the DV comes up and they go for the next candidate. I'm good at what I do, I'm just not unique and at my level of programming I'm either over-qualified or a security risk.
If your skills are even remotely up to date then you are marketable, even remotely. I have 16 full time developers working for me. You can pm me your skill set if you like. We are U.S. based but I’ve employed developers in Europe so it can be done….
 

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Both has the same issues that precludes me from work due to the false DV, both refers to systems running code I had a hand in, code that will bite me because of what my wife did. This is not 100% guaranteed, but playing the odds, I have killed my own career following those paths.
I've used Linkedin multiple times for hiring. I've received multiple child offenders, domestic violence, DUI, etc. Some companies DO NOT run background checks. If you need security than that would definitely come up. Don't you have attorneys there that work pro bono? What about sell your house and move.
 

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If you can point me in the direction, I'm happy to try. I have been programming in one fashion or another since 1982. I can say with confidence that I've been there, done that and can easily master the next thing.
Can you look on Linked in or Indeed, or really any of the job sites.
I know that LinkedIn allows you to specify remote only

You just have to realize that while you maybe can't do GOVERNMENT programming, it doesn't mean you can't do other programming. MOST programming jobs do not require clearances.
 

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I have written some smaller modules for people, but I have yet to find anything paying close to the money I used to earn. But thank you. I suppose I am just feeling defeated right now. A little pity party for one. It passes.
SOME money is better than NO money. You might even test out fiverr.com and similar sites. Your background is irrelevant there.
 

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Why didn't you get out of SA 10 years ago? it's a first-rate sh+t hole. You have IT skills that are presumably in demand elsewhere like the USA or Europe. put the wife stuff on the backburner for now.
 

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This is South Africa, we are considered insects as compared to you in America. No, that's no insecurity talking, I've lived and worked in Manhattan and London. I had a nice little, cramped bachelor flat in Canary Wharf. We aren't even human in the international point of view anymore. She can work 24/7 and she won't be able to bring in 20% of what I was earning per hour, because I was a programmer and could earn in international terms. She earns in local insurance "money".

@DownByTheRiver , my work depended on high levels of confidence. Let me put it this way, if I apply for employment, the first thing, these days is a biometric scan of your thumb. The program, I wrote some modules of, has a database refreshed internationally from law-enforcement agencies. A positive is an immediate disqualification.

Yes, you read it right, I wrote some modules in the system. I doomed myself. I wrote the prayers to Satan, now I'm paying for the hymn.
Im really ticked off at your situation DV and your stupid wife. I’m sure you’ve already looked into it but is there a way to get the arrest record expunged? If you have to sell every piece of furniture in your house to do it, then do it. This is bullcrap. I’m praying for you. (I don’t particularly care if you believe in God or not.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #91 ·
Why didn't you get out of SA 10 years ago? it's a first-rate sh+t hole. You have IT skills that are presumably in demand elsewhere like the USA or Europe. put the wife stuff on the backburner for now.
It costs about R 500,000.00 before any country will consider a South-African as a candidate to go there. I have about R 650.00 as of this morning. That would buy me enough ingredients for a meal and enough petrol to drive to and from my next photo-shoot. There is no option for the poverty stricken to emigrate.

There are ways to do it, but they are exceedingly scarce to a 51 yo in my position.
 

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I had a friend I used to work with from South Africa. They were lucky and got out. They initially were able to immigrate to England. They arrived penniless after having lived there many years. Their property was of no value. The currency devaluation was very detrimental. The stigma was the worst. SA means you are a filthy racist, etc. Its not as easy getting out as most think.

South Africa much like Zimbabwe held high hopes from the UN that they’d become great.
Zimbabwe’s currency became valueless in 2008 (they sell 10.5 million in tourist shops for $1). They just kept printing money until it lost its value. They have to import food. South Africa is going down the same path.
Corruption is rampant. They have no conception of government because they are still tribal in nature.

The latest riots were disastrous. They looted and burned everything to the ground.
 

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It's been two years since my wife had her EA, which I still believe might have been a PA she is lying about, but I can't prove differently. For the sake of my kids I cannot walk away. For two weeks they took the bus to work together and tonight I remember her preening herself in front of the mirror, asking me how she looks. She never asked me that but for those weeks in his presence.

We had a fallout tonight where I confronted her with this fact. She told me she had a meeting at work, yet knew exactly the day I was referring to. She had never preened herself for a meeting like that before or since. Let's put it this way, it was not professional attire, it was of an enticing nature.

Let's be honest about one thing. If I find out there was even as much as a kiss between them, I will file for divorce. She knows it too, which brings me to the knowledge that she will never admit to more than I can prove. She knows my history and that I would not tolerate a hint of a PA. Yet here I am, suspecting that there is more to it than what she is willing to admit, for the sake of self preservation and still not willing to run yet.

I cornered her and she admitted that the preening was for him, but that there was nothing more to it than the EA I know about.

I don't care if it's 20 years from now, but if I find out there is more to this than what I know, it would be the end of it.

It's clear I don't trust her. What is the healthy reaction? I know my perspective is skewed since I've lived through infidelity 3 times and am a little punch drunk at this stage.

Just highlights:

19 yo - My fiancé died in a motorcycle accident while returning from a party where she cheated on me with her ex in full view of friends.

29 yo - Divorced my wife of 4 years because of her adultery.

30 yo - Divorced wife because of an abortion. I thought she killed my child. Found out later the child may have come out a different race.

49 yo - The latest, not as bad by a long shot, but with trust shattered the impact is devastating.

We have two daughters, 10 and 5. I Don't want to ruin their lives, but what is a marriage without trust?
I am so sad for you reading this, DV. What a horrible situation to tolerate, I don't know how you were ever able to trust your wife again. Her excuse about self-sabotaging is weak, she's not a teenager, and presumably, she understands how things work there.

If she really wants to make amends, she needs to figure out what she can do and do it. I'm sorry if you think my view is harsh, but I have no sympathy for people who make false accusations and ruin other people's lives.

It's a pity you didn't apply for residency when you worked overseas. Honestly, SA is a horrible place for any white person, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I truly hope she doesn't sink further and tries to turn your children against you.

To continue @DownByTheRiver , she keeps lying about little things, which makes me doubt the big question. I simply don't know.
This sounds harmless, but it's NOT good. When people do this, deception is ingrained into who they are, they live double lives way too easily.
 

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Whether the affair was emotional or physical makes no difference at this point. You can't trust someone who falsely accuses you of DV. That, alone, is the reason she should ultimately be out of your life. I really feel for your situation and don't have much advice.

I guess I would say to play the long game to whatever extent you can. If you can leverage your existing development skills to learn a new platform, that might work out well. I'm older than you and have worked as a developer for my entire career. All computer languages are essentially the same at their core. The more difficult parts are understanding loops, data structures, conditional logic, etc. You've already got that part mastered, so why not just put some effort into learning a more marketable set of skills based on what you already do well? If you pursue online project-based work, no one cares what country you're in or how old you are.

It's sad to see South Africa self-destruct. I know a few South Africans who have been able to escape to the US, and they're some of the nicest, most down-to-earth people I've met.
 

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Discussion Starter · #95 ·
Whether the affair was emotional or physical makes no difference at this point. You can't trust someone who falsely accuses you of DV. That, alone, is the reason she should ultimately be out of your life. I really feel for your situation and don't have much advice.
I have told myself this 1000 times. She's impulsive and thinks nothing through to it's conclusion. I was in a bad state emotionally when I met her and made my choices based on previous injury and emotion, nothing else. I chose poorly, but I did choose. I have a little 5 year old daughter and a blooming 10 year old to consider.

Am I staying at the peril of destruction? Yes, but if the whole world around you is deteriorating faster than imaginable, perhaps the only stability I can provide is to my kids and as a father. We just had another murder at a store a kilometer away. Someone lost their life for a cell phone. This is nothing strange in South-Africa. Maybe my problems are miniscule in context.

I guess I would say to play the long game to whatever extent you can. If you can leverage your existing development skills to learn a new platform, that might work out well. I'm older than you and have worked as a developer for my entire career. All computer languages are essentially the same at their core. The more difficult parts are understanding loops, data structures, conditional logic, etc. You've already got that part mastered, so why not just put some effort into learning a more marketable set of skills based on what you already do well? If you pursue online project-based work, no one cares what country you're in or how old you are.
I am an autodidact. Everything I learned about computers I taught myself. I concur with everything you said here. There is nothing but syntax, goal and hardware separating a Sperry Univac programmer from purpose built RISK chip programmer for an MRI or one monitoring the air quality in the International space Station. I remember years ago, taking over a main-frame project in a language A+ (almost unheard of). When they asked me if I though I could do it, my answer was: "Just give me the manual". Parts of that system has only very recently been made redundant.

If anyone asks me my claim to fame, I like other programmers can state. I'm working 24/7 because somewhere on this planet, right now, logic I wrote is being executed to a purpose.

It's sad to see South Africa self-destruct. I know a few South Africans who have been able to escape to the US, and they're some of the nicest, most down-to-earth people I've met.
We try to be good people, we always have. It's actually sad that the international press have painted us as the villains they have.
 

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Just highlights:

19 yo - My fiancé died in a motorcycle accident while returning from a party where she cheated on me with her ex in full view of friends.

29 yo - Divorced my wife of 4 years because of her adultery.

30 yo - Divorced wife because of an abortion. I thought she killed my child. Found out later the child may have come out a different race.


49 yo - The latest, not as bad by a long shot, but with trust shattered the impact is devastating.

We have two daughters, 10 and 5. I Don't want to ruin their lives, but what is a marriage without trust?
Damn man... 2 different divorces/cheating wives within the space of what... just under 2 years max?
 
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