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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
It's been two years since my wife had her EA, which I still believe might have been a PA she is lying about, but I can't prove differently. For the sake of my kids I cannot walk away. For two weeks they took the bus to work together and tonight I remember her preening herself in front of the mirror, asking me how she looks. She never asked me that but for those weeks in his presence.

We had a fallout tonight where I confronted her with this fact. She told me she had a meeting at work, yet knew exactly the day I was referring to. She had never preened herself for a meeting like that before or since. Let's put it this way, it was not professional attire, it was of an enticing nature.

Let's be honest about one thing. If I find out there was even as much as a kiss between them, I will file for divorce. She knows it too, which brings me to the knowledge that she will never admit to more than I can prove. She knows my history and that I would not tolerate a hint of a PA. Yet here I am, suspecting that there is more to it than what she is willing to admit, for the sake of self preservation and still not willing to run yet.

I cornered her and she admitted that the preening was for him, but that there was nothing more to it than the EA I know about.

I don't care if it's 20 years from now, but if I find out there is more to this than what I know, it would be the end of it.

It's clear I don't trust her. What is the healthy reaction? I know my perspective is skewed since I've lived through infidelity 3 times and am a little punch drunk at this stage.

Just highlights:

19 yo - My fiancé died in a motorcycle accident while returning from a party where she cheated on me with her ex in full view of friends.

29 yo - Divorced my wife of 4 years because of her adultery.

30 yo - Divorced wife because of an abortion. I thought she killed my child. Found out later the child may have come out a different race.

49 yo - The latest, not as bad by a long shot, but with trust shattered the impact is devastating.

We have two daughters, 10 and 5. I Don't want to ruin their lives, but what is a marriage without trust?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
This is Africa, it's not that easy, but I am working towards it on Africa time (meaning, my business went to pot due to COVID) and I haven't had the money to do so yet. Plus she made sure my reputation in the IT community is shot by having me arrested on a false DV, now I can't go back to earning real money (internationally) due to the sensitive nature of my precious, previous field.

Does anyone have any idea how I can prove the DV charge was false? She told me she was willing to clear my name, but we don't have the money it will take to do so. It's easy to put a man's name in the toilet, but even the person who did it has to pay to get it out.

I realize that this sounds very much like people from the wrong side of the tracks. I assure you that is where I ended up because of all this, not where I started out.
 

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The problem you have is lack of trust and you really just don’t know. Do you have cellphone records? Was there any texts, calls to him? What did you have then that made you confront? If you caught it early it may have just been an EA. Usually if it’s a longer term EA with contact it’s physical as well.

Couple that with the fact that all cheaters lie lot. It’s never a good place to be in but you are correct. They never admit to anything you don’t have proof for.
 

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This is Africa, it's not that easy, but I am working towards it on Africa time (meaning, my business went to pot due to COVID) and I haven't had the money to do so yet. Plus she made sure my reputation in the IT community is shot by having me arrested on a false DV, now I can't go back to earning real money (internationally) due to the sensitive nature of my precious, previous field.

Does anyone have any idea how I can prove the DV charge was false? She told me she was willing to clear my name, but we don't have the money it will take to do so. It's easy to put a man's name in the toilet, but even the person who did it has to pay to get it out.

I realize that this sounds very much like people from the wrong side of the tracks. I assure you that is where I ended up because of all this, not where I started out.
Damn! You’ll need an attorney or do some research to see if you can clear it yourself. False DV’s happen all the time. It doesn’t say much for her sorry to say. And your gut feeling may be correct about it not better just an EA. DV’s need to be taken seriously as you’ve seen they follow you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
The problem you have is lack of trust and you really just don’t know. Do you have cellphone records? Was there any texts, calls to him? What did you have then that made you confront? If you caught it early it may have just been an EA. Usually if it’s a longer term EA with contact it’s physical as well.

Couple that with the fact that all cheaters lie lot. It’s never a good place to be in but you are correct. They never admit to anything you don’t have proof for.
Mark, it takes 10 minutes to make an EA a PA and they traveled together for 2 weeks. She gave him her number a week in. As I said I was IT all my life. I got everything but the cell-phone records and here in Africa it's impossible to get anything from the provider. The phone she used is in my drawer. It caught fire (yes one of those Samsungs) before I had a chance to run any recovery and I can't get it to connect. I am keeping it because I WILL have the memory extracted and recovered once I can afford it again, which at this stage seems like never again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Damn! You’ll need an attorney or do some research to see if you can clear it yourself. False DV’s happen all the time. It doesn’t say much for her sorry to say. And your gut feeling may be correct about it not better just an EA. DV’s need to be taken seriously as you’ve seen they follow you.
Again, my business failed due to COVID and the DV bars me from IT. I have no money left. We are barely eating at this stage. I had no supper tonight. I made sure the family ate, but there was not enough left for myself. I just told everybody I was not hungry. I guess the crankiness of that lead to the fight where everything surfaced again.
 

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Do some research and see if you can get that DV purged without legal support. Do you know anyone you could ask that works around that or is in that field?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Do some research and see if you can get that DV purged without legal support. Do you know anyone you could ask that works around that or is in that field?
I studied law, I lost touch with my fellow students who completed their studies years ago, but I'll put feelers out if one of them would be able to help me. It's just not easy for me. Pride stands in my way. I guess it's dire enough at this stage for me to forgo that luxury though.
 

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Mark, it takes 10 minutes to make an EA a PA and they traveled together for 2 weeks. She gave him her number a week in. As I said I was IT all my life. I got everything but the cell-phone records and here in Africa it's impossible to get anything from the provider. The phone she used is in my drawer. It caught fire (yes one of those Samsungs) before I had a chance to run any recovery and I can't get it to connect. I am keeping it because I WILL have the memory extracted and recovered once I can afford it again, which at this stage seems like never again.
What did you confront with? Did she admit then? Or just file on you?
 

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I studied law, I lost touch with my fellow students who completed their studies years ago, but I'll put feelers out if one of them would be able to help me. It's just not easy for me. Pride stands in my way. I guess it's dire enough at this stage for me to forgo that luxury though.
That is the most important thing facing you right now. The other **** can wait. Pride won’t feed you or your family.
 

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Does anyone have any idea how I can prove the DV charge was false? She told me she was willing to clear my name, but we don't have the money it will take to do so.
Have her get a second job. It's only fair since she's the one who lied and is now depriving her family of food. Shame on her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
What did you confront with? Did she admit then? Or just file on you?
I had very little to confront with but a gut feeling and I got a confession of an EA with numbers exchanged. I retrieved her entire Facebook history and found that she searched for him a day after she met him. None of their conversations proved a PA. As far as I can read, the only reason it never went that far is that he was just not that into her. I can't say the same for her, but then again, I am a man and I know that it's quite possible to take free vagina without feelings if offered and he was single, so 10 minutes at the back of the bus terminus keeps chewing at the back of my mind.

That is the most important thing facing you right now. The other **** can wait. Pride won’t feed you or your family.
Easier said than done, if you run out of everything else, your pride may be all you have left. It's not easy to give up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Have her get a second job. It's only fair since she's the one who lied and is now depriving her family of food. Shame on her.
She already works from 8 in the morning till 21:00 at night. I am with you as to make her come up with the money, but the economy is shot here and I think even without our complications, it's just a matter of months before the rest of the middle class may be just as much in dire straights. Yes, If I could still be in IT, I would have been able to postpone the inevitable, but South-Africa is very much done for. If at all possible, I would have done exactly what you suggested.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Maybe not. You won’t know unless you look. What have you got to lose?
Nothing I guess and the longer I wait the less. What is less than nothing? Oh yeah, removing myself to the streets. She can feed the kids and the house is paid for. One less mouth to feed.
 
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