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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi everyone,

I'm new here & like everyone here i'm very very very confused & scared..........here's my story:

i knew him when i was 17, dated when i was 20, got engaged a year after then married at 24, i'm 31 now & i want out.........or so i think. Here's why:

Ever since i knew him, he has been super controlling & quite verbally abusive, everything was "his way or the highway" , his love was always conditional "either you do this or we break-up", because he knew how much i loved him, he knew that i'd always say yes & never leave..........which was always what happened given how broken, scared & sad i was , i always felt that it's my fault & that's why he's angry so i need to stay & make it better.........he is not a monster, he's just very violent (always shouts, can hit things), he only physically attacked me twice leaving no marks, but i was scared to death.........usually he's not as bad, but as long as i never say no that is.......

Anyway over the years i got really really fat cuz of his infertility issues & 5 rounds of IVF treatments with no babies, he also got fat too......i was a chubby bride, but no repulsive or ugly, just chubby & God knows i tried 2 do everything in my power 2 look as sexy & beautiful as can be especially as a bride starting her life.........sex was awful, it hurt, it didn't please me that much, it was very very infrequent.........reason: cuz i'm too fat ugly & repulsive.......i cried on my honeymoon cuz of how everyone else at the pool looked perfect in their bikinis & how huch he kept ogling them.........anyway i managed to lose weight on my own & go from a size 20 to a size 14, thinking that this will solve the sex/intimacy issues.........wrong........he gets crazy jealous/insecure accusing me of "ignoring him/loving my job too much" & he even told my dad that i like other men at work........i was mortified & shocked .........we start the infertility treatments after realizing that he has major sperm issues.........he sees how hard this is on me esp. that i didn't want to have kids & i still don't esp. not with him ...........he threatens too much.......i'm too scared. He sees me balloon up from the hormones & other **** till i get morbidly obese........of course he sympathizes & tries to please me in many ways (buy me stuff, pamper me, not harrass me about going to work & sometimes staying late,...etc) then i decide to get a weight loss surgery (i paid for everything) & i tell him that we can try again for a damn baby in a year or so, so after fits of rage (cuz he thinks it's a silly stupid idea) he finally lets go as i'm financing everything & i told him that it's gonna happen with or without his support...........i do it, i lose 105 lbs , go from a size 22 to a sleek size 6 & feel like i'm on the moon about it ...........here's the problem now:

I don't wanna sound ****y or anything, but for the first time in YEARS i feel beautiful & strong again, i'm enjoying all the attention i'm getting from EVERYONE ........he feels threatened by my success (i got a grat figure now, i'm into sports, i eat really healthy stuff, i have a good job,.....i feel like a million dollars)...........i do not love him anymore ..........i told him 2 months ago that his love is dying down in my heart cuz i just can't get over the sadness he's unnecessarily put me through years ago........i can't help but thinking now "i deserve way much better than this , i deserve someone who wants me 2 get better by the second, not someone who's threatened by my success"..........his sister is married to a guy who truly loves her..........i can see it 24/7 ........he enjoys giving her the princess treatment ALL the time,.......nobody is perfect that's for sure, but he's ALWAYS defending her flaws, he never embarrasses her & he ALWAYS pushes her 2 go after her dreams ......always .........i know now my husband "loves" me cuz he's sensing how distant & cold i've become, i'm trying to avoid any intimacy (ironic right?) i feel like such a **** knowing how hard he's trying to please me now cuz he knows that i can actually pack & leave & start over again ........which i totally can ..........it feels so weird to fall out of luv esp. when you've known/loved someone for so long, but i really can't help this feeling ...........i don't know what to do...........but he's been nagging 2 go through an IVF trial now & i really don't want to, mainly cuz how can i get a kid from him when i've stopped loving him? Weird thing is i don't hate him...........not at all, i don't wanna hurt him, i don't wanna upset him, but he feels more like a room mate than a lover..........i feel like i'm betraying him by hiding how i feel..............more dangerously, i'm thinking about other male friends as lovers ..........i've even reconnected with my high school best friend.............if someone came & told me now that my husband loves another woman , i honestly wouldn't care so much or even be sad ..........i'll just want to quietly end things & wish for the best............ i know that once i back out from the upcoming IVF trial he'll go ballistic & insane on me esp. since he's incurred expenses ...........but i can easily tell him that i'll repay him ........i don't know what to do about this.........honestly the best thing going on now is that he makes a great income, i live in a beautiful home & i know he doesn't love anyone else .........but 've never been a person care about money or possessions .........if i were, my decision would have been so much easier : stay, enjoy the money, act like ur into him .........this is not me ............i read my diary & it's so pathetic, a lot of tears, a lot of sadness........very few smiles.........all my friends & family members are sick & tired of seeing my sad & hesitant ........ppl tell me he's successfully broken ur self confidence into thinking that he's the only man for you ..........i can't stay with him if i don't love him & now with my new body, new life, new confidence, new beauty.........i just don't love him anymore ...........we're just not on the same boat .......he wants to be a dad & i want to go hiking or surfing or camping..........he wants to be a couch-potato, i go play tennis twice a week .........i wanna eat healthy stuff, he only eats junk......moreover, i just can't take any threats anymore & i know he threatens when he gets scared & i know he's scared ..........

i'm sooooooooo very sorry for all the ranting, but i needed 2 vent .........so much :)
 

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Jessie81,
You deserve much better. And you can have it. Start planning your exit now. And be totally honest with your H. Tell him how you honestly feel. Get yourself an attorney and start your divorce. It will be and end to your misery.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you Skb,
i've been eating myself all damn day about what 2 do & yes i think i should back out of the IVF trial & either to try 2 work on the relationship ...........which i honestly think will not work, or just plan an exit..........but a baby is not an answer definitely..........

oh god, give me courage 2 face him .........this is the hardest thing ever...........
 

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Hi everyone,

..........i do not love him anymore ..........i told him 2 months ago .........i feel like i'm betraying him by hiding how i feel..............more dangerously, i'm thinking about other male friends as lovers ..........

The first line of the quote says it all. Please, don't become another statistic of yet another married woman remaining in a loveless marriage. So many women waste their lives. DO NOT have a baby and DO get yourself an attorney. In most states you'll be divorced in no time. In my opinion that's exactly what you need. It WILL be a new beginning for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well yesterday i blew everything out in the open...........i stopped the IVF procedures & decided that either we work on "us" or there's just no point...........also when ppl get kids it should be either cuz they're desperately in luv with eachother, with babies or both ..........in my case, none of this applies...........i still luv my job, still love my freedom with no kids stuck 2 me, can't accepot the idea of getting pregnant & fat, can't stand 2 think of having to deal with a screaming baby 24/7 that needs to be fed/burped/changed/entertained............esp. while i'm thinking of other men than my husband ............i know i made the right choice today 2 halt the ivf procedures & focus on my feelings instead......
 

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Imagine if you have the courage to leave - and just around the corner is the man of your dreams? Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life. You can find that man - and you deserve to - but you won't until you create the space in your life to allow him to show up.
"Your fears are the dragons behind which are your greatest treasures."
That's the way it works!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
"Your fears are the dragons behind which are your greatest treasures."
That's the way it works!
i really like that quote , it makes so much sense ........... i guess i'm just afraid of:
1- hurting him by leaving , i know he wants me 2 stay.
2- Feeling this suffocated in another 7 or 10 years
3- Wasting my life with the wrong guy who although i loved one day, we grew apart & i just don't luv that much anymore ........i think i luv him out of habit now .........so sad & pathetic
4- my biggest fear, is falling for another man while still being married..........although i'll never ever pursue it, it's a horrible feeling when ur husband doesn't mean the world 2 u anymore.....it's a betrayal of emotions if not physical.....
 

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Hey, I'm with you on this. I also managed to lose a whole lot of weight recently (I ran hundreds of miles, had a few minor injuries, etc; and I had to do most of this by waking up really early to run). Now the body has come together perfectly, and suddenly there's all this talk of "who in their right minds goes for a run at 4am in winter?" and all sorts of snide-ness.

The reality is that we often settle based on how we feel at points in our life. You were overweight, so of course that would have affected your confidence as well as your decision-making process.

I need to caution you however, be sure that you're done here. Sometimes, there's that overconfident feeling brought on by outside attention that may blind us to the beauty inside our marriages while over-emphasizing the plainness outside.

I'm pretty sure you will make the right decision however, just take your time, think about it, and if you're so inclined, pray.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
thanks caladan, u know the problem isn't only in my new lifestyle, body,...etc. My husband always asked me to do things "at gun-point", like either take time off work, or leave work & resign or we get divorced............or ur not allowed to play any sports & if you do, consider urself asking for a divorce,............it was always do this or that , whether i like it or not, or i leave u..........ur probably thinking how crazy i am to have kept a "marriage" like this going on under these "threats", but i really did luv him & i thought that if i put aside my dreams/wishes to please him, we'll both be happy in the end ..........but of course as you can see now, that's not the case, esp. after my confidence shot to the roof & i felt beautiful & human again, now HE feels threatened that i'm not running to him all lovey dovey anymore.........i never intended to do that, it just happened, i can't get past thinking "why on earth was he threatening me to get things done??" i'm worth so much more .........now of course, after i blew things out with him, he's like i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry,.........he doesn't even know what he's sorry about & he doesn't even wanna sit & listen & i need an explanation , not an apology ...........i can't imagine "threatening" someone you "love" to get ur way ............that's not love, that abuse...........now he's not threatening me at all, he's ultra nice, really caring & says yes to everything just to win me back .......that's not nearly enough 4 me ...........cuz i know once i'll start being passionate again (if i can, ever!) he'll go back to thinking he's invincible & the "king of the world" .................i can't explain why he was making me feel so miserable for most of our relationship...............i really can't
 

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Hey Jess - I wish I had an explanation. We human beings are extremely complex people, such egoistic and controlling behaviour could arise from quite a number of existing issues. I must also point out that you also did feed this behaviour by constantly allowing him to walk over you. Not good :(. If I may ask - what was your relationship like with your father?

But what do you want to do now? Would you consider having him back? Are you interested in say - getting him to work on himself, get his body ripped and his attitude in check? Would you consider going for couples' therapy?

Or... are you pretty much done with this relationship?

I need to mention also that this sort of behaviour isn't unique, especially amongst guys. There are people who actively seek out "enablers" in order to dominate them. Regardless of your partner's obvious misbehaviour, you also need to own up to the part you played.

Here's what I see Jessy - you probably should go for therapy - read some self-help books - work on yourself, so you don't repeat those mistakes, and so that even if you leave the marriage, you don't end up with the same kind of guy. History does have an uncanny way of repeating itself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Hey Caladan, it's interesting that you mentioned my dad, yes as much as i love him, cuz after all he's my dad, he was very very verbally abusive to me, my brother & still is to my mom ..........always shouting, calling names, always in fits of rage over the slightest thing, always demanding perfect grades,...etc. so yes, i'm used to being "submissive" & "scared" ............but i'm 31 now & way much stronger than i was 14 years ago when i met my husband..........also yes i'm trying to force ppl to accept me the way i am , so when i finally end my marriage, i don't end up with the same type all over again ............yesterday he kept pressing again "What's wrong with u?" so when i attempted to talk to him, he got angry & said "i'm not talking or explaining myself to you unless you intend to stay with me ...........if ur mind is already made up, then i have nothing to say, i don't even wanna be with you anymore, but i'm not giving you a divorce, i'm too busy for this silliness, find a lawyer, do it urself, i have better things at work to worry about"...............so to me this just sealed the deal i guess, cuz i explained "my decision will be based on how you explain ur actions to me"............but he won't waste his time "talking" .......he's like screw you, go to hell, i'm tired of your attitude anyway ..................of course, i've been submissive 4ever , always saying "yes, sure, no problem" ...........now when i decide to get back my dignity, it's unacceptable............

and yes i've begged him before 4 couples therapy, but he just laughed, got furious, & absolutely refused it...........& i've tried reading some self-help books, but i realised that it takes 2 to tango & i'm tired of trying to fix things on my own all while he thinks he's just perfectly amazing .................
too much, i'm too tired ............
 

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Fairplay. You're done then.

I still honestly feel you should make sure you're past making choices like that.

For some reason, we tend to choose our mates based on our parents. It is important that you get your daddy issues sorted out.

Best of luck, and good to see you're hanging in there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanx Caladan :) well we discussed the divorce terms yesterday & as heart-broken as he is, we both feel that we've given it the best shot ever & he still thinks he's right about everything & i'm leaving for stupid reasons that i'll regret one day, but i told him that we are both good people but so incompatible, even more so that i'm not in love anymore & in the first place it was naive of both of us esp. me to think that "all you need is love"...........no no, you need common interests, similar mind-sets, RESPECT, compromise, safety (no threats, which he was still doing yesterday),..............so much more than love.............& if a person decides he'll "change" for someone like i did, it'll be doomed to fail at some point ............ppl never change & if they do, it's gotta be cuz they want to not cuz they wanna please someone else..................
As hard as this decision is, i'm confident that it's the right one :)
i never thought i'd be this relaxed at this point, but i really am.........
 

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Good for you Jessy. Don't drag your feet or give him any reason to think he can talk you out of it. Take the rings off and get yourself an attorney. It's but a short while and you'll be dating those guys you've been fantasizing about.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Already took the ring off & honestly it feels so weird that i'm not devastated..............i'm sure it's cuz i firmly believe that i've tried everything, given enough time, done almost everything to make it work AND make myself happy .........well, better be alone, free & hopefully happy, rather than together trapped, suffocated & restricted & threatened.......... i'm relaxed about my decision, let's just hope things go smoothly until i finally get my divorce papers & financial issues sorted out ..........won't be easy, but it will happen :)
 

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I admire your strength & resolve. Your husband has done this to himself by being a bully. It wasn't until you became stronger & more appealing to others that he started to care?
Just don't "settle" next time & make sure they are what you want & need, and don't fall for a quick rebound lover. I wish you the best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Exactly :) he NEVER EVER cared about me when i was fat, tired & jobless............in fact he constantly used to threaten to divorce me ........always , in every conflict...........what can i say? what comes around goes around ............except i'm not threatening, i deserve better, i'm serious :)
And like hell am i gonna do this to myself again!!!
 

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Do not have a baby with this monster! Your child will grow up an emotional wreck due to his abuse and need therapy once that child has grown or he/she will follow his footsteps. Get out out of that marriage! Now is the time to do it. I never fell in love with my ex. By not being in love, it was very easy to leave. I did give it my all and tried to make the marriage work, but the MC told me to get out ASAP and I did.

I have a daughter in therapy. I left my abusive ex h only 2 years after our marriage. I remarried and met a very honorable man.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I thought so too, & honestly i don't need "baggage" to carry around if i wanna leave & for some reason i always knew that one day i'll have the guts & enough reasons to leave ............that's why i was always scared to get a child from him.............i don't need to give him a weapon to further abuse me........he actually told me that he'll let me do whatever i want as long as we don't have kids cuz it's his fertility issue...........i couldn't believe my ears!!
So, like if we ever get a kid, i'm going back to the dungeons??!
And in the end, he thinks that he is a "perfect" catch & that i'll regret & rue the day i decided to leave him..........expected, he's hurt & feels defeated & vulnerable............i decided to shut up, nod & finish this peacefully.........
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I just wanted to give an update......... i'm currently separated, at my parents' home, took all my personal belongings, we tried to get him to divorce me on amicable terms, he's stalling & threatening to hurt me......so i hired a lawyer to begin the paperwork......his first notice arrives to him on Sunday ...........i feel amazing............it'll take some time i know, but it's my first step to freedom......... pray 4 me plz everybody..........i really need ur prayers.......
 
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