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My husband travels on business nearly half of every month, and has for years. I've felt pretty secure because he's so sweet when he gets home. I don't go digging for dirt, don't check up on him, and have never shown up unannounced at his hotel. Last week, however, he left his FB page open, and he has found an old girlfriend who just happens to live in the city he is working now...a place he goes often.

Their messages were all pretty bland, until he asked her if her husband would mind if they went to dinner. I brought it up with my husband before he left on his trip, so he'd understand that I feel there is no reason for a married person to "catch up" with an old flame when they haven't been friends, haven't even spoken for 25 years. My husband agreed, apologized for hurting my feelings, and promised to have no further contact with her.
But without missing a beat, they are still messaging and making dinner plans. In fact, some of their messages are time stamped while I'm on the phone with him!

This all coincides with my husband's birthday on Wed. My plan was to surprise him (for the first time ever) at his hotel with presents and me, but now I'm having to work around a clandestine dinner date. What do I do? Should I go early enough to intercept and prevent the date altogether, or bust it? And it's not even about her, really, it's the series of lies that seem to be unravelling.

Help!
 

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I would stop it. But I would also confront with the evidence that you do have that you know he's been lying. If its all innocent and really wants to catch up, then he should have discussed it with you and asked if the two of you could have dinner with her together. If your answer was no, it should be no and he should leave it be. But he is lying to you, and planning to meet her behind your back, knowing how you feel about it.
Definitely stop it and confront.
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OPEN YOUR eyes....You KNOW he's already lying to you and deceiving you. That's a HUGE red flag right there. You have to stop this and confront. It sounds like an EA in the making and moving fast to a PA.

"My husband agreed, apologized for hurting my feelings, and promised to have no further contact with her."

His words are meaningless, you know this now. He has broken trust and if you don't stop this he will break his vows too.

Also, if he is doing this, then he is having problems in the marriage, there are deeper issues here that will HAVE to be addressed!
 

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Confronting didn't work. He is just continuing to do it behind her back. I think it's time to catch it in the act. That would make a mark..on them both. The humiliation of getting caught may just be enough to stop them. Then it's ultimatum time...me or her...IMO
 

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They are planning to hook up on his birthday. You might stop it this time.They will just plan another day. You really can't stop it all together. If someone wants to do something , they will find away. You can ask yourself what you plan on doing next. They will only get better at hiding it. He has already told you lies about this issues. That is a red flag for you . He travels near where she lives . You have a husband that travels on his job. That you now know will look in the face and lie.I wish you luck with this issues.
 

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Thank you all! It's good to know I'm not over-reacting.

I do need to confront it, I'm just torn about the most effective way to do it. If it's this easy to blatently lie to me over this, there have probably been many other situations just like it. I think busting in on their dinner may turn against me, because I'm a pretty emotional girl. He'll haul me out of the restaurant and be furious, and she'll laugh all the way home and text him later. I think my best bet is to show up just before they are supposed to meet, and he'll be forced to stand her up. I'll be there for a few days until his job is over and we come home together.

Men, if you were stopped before; would you reconsider your actions? Would this work for you?

(AND then there is just letting this meeting play out and see exactly how bad he really is and call her husband. I really don't want a divorce - I want him to behave.)
 

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Thank you all! It's good to know I'm not over-reacting.

I do need to confront it, I'm just torn about the most effective way to do it. If it's this easy to blatently lie to me over this, there have probably been many other situations just like it. I think busting in on their dinner may turn against me, because I'm a pretty emotional girl. He'll haul me out of the restaurant and be furious, and she'll laugh all the way home and text him later. I think my best bet is to show up just before they are supposed to meet, and he'll be forced to stand her up. I'll be there for a few days until his job is over and we come home together.

Men, if you were stopped before; would you reconsider your actions? Would this work for you?

(AND then there is just letting this meeting play out and see exactly how bad he really is and call her husband. I really don't want a divorce - I want him to behave.)
You can't control a person . No you don't need to bust in on them. You go have a good time with your husband and then yall come home.
 

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Well, if your husband has the audacity to "haul me out of the restaurant and be furious," after he "agreed, apologized for hurting my feelings, and promised to have no further contact with her," then I don't think I would give a rat's a$$ about how furious he might be. The fury that I would heap on both of them would make his righteous indignation look like child's play. I don't think "just letting this meeting play out and see exactly how bad he really is and call her husband" is a good idea, either. What if it plays out right up until they return to his hotel room and have sex.... turning what is already an emotional affair into a physical affair??? Because if you "really don't want a divorce," then you really don't want to have that can of worms opened.

I like the idea of you showing up early, (just make sure it's waaaaay early) throwing a monkey wrench into his little pre-planned illicit tryst. I'd rather enjoy watching the SOB squirm, while he is forced to stand her up.

By your post count it would appear that you are new to TAM, unless you have been a lurker. So, let me introduce myself, I am "Empty Inside," most on TAM call me "EI." My husband is "Betrayed1," and is referred to as "B1." He has already commented a few posts up on this thread. His username should tell you that I was the wayward spouse. I wish, with everything that is in me, that B1 would have discovered MY private messages to my xOM, on Facebook, before I nearly destroyed myself, my 28 year marriage, betrayed my husband and devastated my children. It took exactly 13 days from the first message that I sent to the xOM (a former lover from my teenage years.... that is the riskiest kind of hookup because there is already a sense of familiarity and an established "chemistry") to turn an immediate EA into a full blown PA that lasted for 15 months.

You need to nip this in the bud quick. Good luck and keep us posted.

Take care,
EI
 

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Its a surprise Birthday get-together. Well..... make sure your there to surprise him with a nice BD cake filled with Tabasco sauce and smash it in his face. SURPRISE!!! Throw printed copies of the text massages at him like its confetti. And remind him about the promise he made to you. It's the Birthday Smash he will never forget!!!!.........................or you can meet up and discuss why he lied and how it affects your marriage to meet other women after he promised he wouldn't.
 

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Ruin the Date Night!

My husband travels on business nearly half of every month, and has for years. I've felt pretty secure because he's so sweet when he gets home. I don't go digging for dirt, don't check up on him, and have never shown up unannounced at his hotel. Last week, however, he left his FB page open, and he has found an old girlfriend who just happens to live in the city he is working now...a place he goes often.
As a corporate executive myself who spends a fair amount of time away from home I can tell you that the opportunities and temptations for cheating while on the road are enormous. It's even worse if you’re successful at what you do because you have this sense of entitlement about it. It takes a lot of will power and strong boundaries to stay true.

Their messages were all pretty bland, until he asked her if her husband would mind if they went to dinner. I brought it up with my husband before he left on his trip, so he'd understand that I feel there is no reason for a married person to "catch up" with an old flame when they haven't been friends, haven't even spoken for 25 years.
You are 100% correct about this and you should not compromise your position. There is no place for any EX in a marriage. It's interesting that he asked about if her husband would mind going out but did he check with you? Something like this happened to me and I made sure the contact ended immediately, and in no uncertain terms.

This all coincides with my husband's birthday on Wed. My plan was to surprise him (for the first time ever) at his hotel with presents and me, but now I'm having to work around a clandestine dinner date. What do I do? Should I go early enough to intercept and prevent the date altogether, or bust it? And it's not even about her, really, it's the series of lies that seem to be unravelling.
Help!
Here is what I would do if I were in your shoes (but I have a bit of a nasty streak in me). I would go early enough to prevent the date altogether. I think this is the right thing to do. Ignore those that say you can't control a person. As a spouse, you have a certain right and obligation to control his behavior, to protect your family. Now go there with the intent to surprise him for his birthday and take note of the look on his face when you arrive. That is going to be your indication as to what is in his mind and what the next few weeks might be like. It also might give you a sense of where you stand in this situation. Once your there, stay true to the plan; celebrate his birthday with him. If he said he has plans, tell him you’ll join him.

Now here is where the nasty streak comes in (and I hope you would do this). Get the OW’s cell phone number that he has been sending the texts to and 30 seconds before you surprise your husband, send her a text along the lines of “Sorry b!tch but I just f**ked up your dinner date. Stay home with your husband tonight.” I dare either one of them to say something to you. Don’t let him walk all over you. You are within your rights to prevent this.

(AND then there is just letting this meeting play out and see exactly how bad he really is and call her husband. I really don't want a divorce - I want him to behave.)
Whatever you do, don’t do that. It would be a very stupid thing to do in my opinion. If you don't do what I suggested above, then at the very least, tell him you know about the dinner date and that if he goes through with it, he will be hearing from your lawyer when he returns. He has no good reason to do this. I would also contact the OW's husband.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
It seems that when a man inquires about a woman's husband, "Would he mind? Are you happy? What does he do?" its really a method of fishing for information and status. I addressed this with my husband before he left - nobody asked me if I would mind!

You all have really helped me today, and I'm getting my ducks in a row. The child is going to the in-laws, the dog is going to the kennel, and I'm going to throw a wrench in this dinner date and remind him why he married me. I've learned a few lessons, however, the leash is going to gently shorten...a lot.
 

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Meet the OW husband at the restaurant they are meeting at. Then ALL parties are there and can put a stop to it. Nothing like that kind of confrontation! Then you will have the support of the OW husband to help put an end to it because they will both have to be transparent to gain back trust. Would make it a whole lot harder for them to keep it up. Decide how you will handle it and what you will say ahead of time. They have lied and deserve to be humiliated, IMO.
 

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"Honey, you told me you would not contact this woman anymore, and you contacted her. You lied to me, you should have at least had the audacity to tell me 'no, i'm going to stay in touch' even though I still disagree and I will not tolerate it."


"Sweet love, we are just friends, just a friendly dinner, you're over reacting, please listen to yourself and relax"

"I am relaxed (obviously you are not yelling at any point and never will be), and I want you to relax. What is the point of learning all about her past between when you left her and since you have been with me. Do not gas light me or minimize this making me feel like I am delusional because this is playing with fire!"

"whatever, I'm not listening anymore, I'm going to bed, get over it"

So now what do you do?

He may have dinner, innocently enough, but it can escalate and spiral into an inappropriate friendship.

CAN SOMEONE POST F-1 post???
 

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Meet the OW husband at the restaurant they are meeting at. Then ALL parties are there and can put a stop to it. Nothing like that kind of confrontation! Then you will have the support of the OW husband to help put an end to it because they will both have to be transparent to gain back trust. Would make it a whole lot harder for them to keep it up. Decide how you will handle it and what you will say ahead of time. They have lied and deserve to be humiliated, IMO.
I like this idea! Or... if you know the name of the restaurant, and if they have reservations already, call and say "Hi, this is Mrs. ____. We need to add two more to our dinner party." And, if they can "remind" you of the reservation time, that would help as well....
 

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What Maricha says...add yourselves to the dinner and all four have dinner together. Or get a table next to theirs and pretend you were planning dinner yourselves..wow what a coincidence..lol..give them a dose of their own medicine.
 

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Men, if you were stopped before; would you reconsider your actions? Would this work for you?
Yes. It did for me. Long story for another time.

Have you considered contacting OW's husband? You and he could surprise them at the restaurant together. Might be interesting.
 

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It seems that when a man inquires about a woman's husband, "Would he mind? Are you happy? What does he do?" its really a method of fishing for information and status.
As a man I can tell you that this is a way of making a connection to her as well as fishing for information. I have a divorced brother, 12 years younger than me who "dates" married women from time to time (thankfully I don't see him too often and I'm not involved in his life). He can smell when a woman is vulnerable to some attention and he knows what to say to make the connection. Then he has an f-buddy for a couple of months. I'm amazed no one has killed him yet.

I addressed this with my husband before he left - nobody asked me if I would mind!
That's interesting. Did he respond? This is very telling of his mindset and I think you need to be prepared to face an "unhappy" reaction from him. BUT, don't let that deter you from what you have to do.

On a side note, my birthday is Thursday. What a coincidence.
 

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I've been divorced for a year. My ex's infidelity began when he started using FB as a way to connect with past friends in his hometown. First, it was a girl he went to high school with who had a crush on him back then. He used that "crush" to prey on her, and when her husband discovered the affair, it ended their marriage. He then moved on to his college GF, who he hadn't communicated with in nearly 30 years, and helped end her marriage as well. Needless to say, our marriage was the third casualty.

Its up to you at this point. Your attenna are obviously already up, so you're a smart woman. I trusted my husband completely, which led to me taking a lot longer to unravel what was going on than it should have. I didn't want to believe he was cheating.
 

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Do even let him meet her not even with you present. If you meet her WITH HIM, you are may give a sign of approval to your husband to be able to contact her because it will only be for friendly chat. Your husband will not affirm to you that it is innocent and that its alright.

Originally Posted by F-102
It may have gone something like this:

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture?
 
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