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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So, I need some talking down from the ledge (figuratively of course). I look to this good forum to help me get my sanity back and to please provide me with some clear, objective help.

My wife of 13 years (2 kids) joined Facebook about 5 months ago. I really didn’t have a clue about Facebook, but I did know that you could catch up with old friends. So no big deal – I even put up with her being on FB constantly, emailing and chatting with everyone.

2 months ago, I hear from my brother’s wife. She calls me crying and completely distraught because my brother has been having an affair. It turns out that he met another married woman through Facebook. He’s 40 years old with two kids. My cousin also got caught a few years ago in an affair that started online and he is now divorced. So this got me thinking a little bit……

Last week I used her computer and noticed in her online history that she had performed a Facebook search for one of her ex-boyfriend (lets call him “Rick”). My wife & I dated for about 8 years (through college) before we got married, with a 1 year break from each other. Rick was the reason we split as she started to date him behind my back while we were in college. Rick doesn’t have a Facebook account, so no telling if she would have start emailing with him.

I used to have a saying that I will trust someone until they give me reason not to. I had to make an exception for my wife. And I do trust her, but I’m feeling immense feelings of jealousy right now. Prior to FB, I have felt NO jealousy in the 13 years that we’ve been married.

I can’t even talk to her right now or look her in the eye. Knowing me, these feelings (resentment?) may last for a long time. I know this silly and childish and I need to trust her (again). I also know that I’m the one she married.

How should I handle this? I would be too embarrassed to admit what I’ve done, so I can’t have a direct conversation about this. Should I just ignore it?

I really need your objective advice……
 

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I don't see where a married couple need to worry about whether the other is "snooping"?

If married why would anyone hide anything, and why would they object to the other looking at their stuff unless they were hiding something?

A marital relationship is about as intimate as life gets....so worrying about looking at his/her stuff on a computer is just not an item between us.
 

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Ask her if you two can share the page...or if you can't beat em...join em. Make you're own page. Sounds like she wasn't too concerned w/you seeing it or she'd have made for certain that you didn't. Trust me when one wants to hide something...one will.

Yes FB is addicting...MS used to be my addiction however I and all my MS cohorts are on the FB wagon and MS is looking rather dead at the moment. It's fun to catch up w/old friends and yes people you used to date. I have several ex's on my friends list and never hid it from my most recent ex. We actually "shared" a myspace.
 

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Make sure you feel good generally about the marriage, and that she does too. Share your concerns, and ask her to keep all her communication open to you, as you will do for her. Then start your own page or share one. I agree; she wouldn't leave it open if she was doing anything suspect. It's very easy to hide stuff online unless you are married to a computer guru. Most people are just average users, not super savvy, but passwords can protect privacy. As for the meeting up requests, no big deal--who doesn't want to see old friends occasionally? Doesn't mean a darn thing. BUT also agree to limit time on FB or any electronic resource--it's time NOT spent together, and should be "me" time, and in small doses. Chat is probably the most problemmatic and that takes time to develop, unless someone is truly eager to rekindle an old relationship. Most chat starts out as very superficial and silly, and doesn't progress past that without a significant investment in time. And be sure to get your wife laughing with you as much as possible--it's the aphrodisiac I suspect is missing from most marriages. Watch funny movies together or read funny books to one another--joke books, Monty Python script books, whatever. It's hilarious and humor is a total turn on!
 

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Facebook, online games, etc are a common thing that seems to be hurting the majority of the relationships. I am moving out of our house Monday morning to give my husband space but it is to figure out if he wants me or this other woman he met online only while playing a game.

I am not saying it is going to happen to you but you have to be aware. I was a fool & thought there was only a few people out there that this happened too but I was mistaken.

Just talk to her but don't go into what you've seen. See what she says.
 

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I don't call it snooping...I call it being proactive in one's questionable marriage. I don't find it being any different than trying to find out what a spouse has been doing when they are out late at night or when late night calls come in secrecy. Just because we are married doesn't mean we sacrifice our integrity and our right to an honest and abiding marriage...especially if you are keeping things real. She's in the wrong...not you. Now with that said, good people find themselves in marriages that no longer make them feel worthy or happy. I would ask myself some honest questions, like: Could there be problems in the marriage that are causing her to look for these past lovers? You mentioned that you have been married for 13 years....is she bored? Is she possibly going through a mid life crisis? It does happen to women too. Many times it's not that we are falling out of love with our spouses but that we are looking to re open those doors that provide us with those memories of an exciting time in our lives. Is is possible that you could just sit back and watch for other signs of her pulling away from you, like lying about these Face Book conversations. It is very possible that she will come to her senses and remember how much she loves the "here and now" with you and risking it for a fling with the past, that I might add didn't work out the first time, is not a good idea. It could very well be something innocent in her mind, although, I can honestly say, I would not stand for this for one second. Put the shoe on the other foot...are you allowed to meet up with ex girlfriends for coffee or a beer? I bet not...It's one thing to find old friends...it's a whole another occassion when we hook up and have coffee with those we use to care intimately for. This leads to trouble, a lack of faith, and a break down in the marriage. Good luck.
 

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I don't call it snooping...I call it being proactive in one's questionable marriage. I don't find it being any different than trying to find out what a spouse has been doing when they are out late at night or when late night calls come in secrecy. Just because we are married doesn't mean we sacrifice our integrity and our right to an honest and abiding marriage...especially if you are keeping things real. She's in the wrong...not you. Now with that said, good people find themselves in marriages that no longer make them feel worthy or happy. I would ask myself some honest questions, like: Could there be problems in the marriage that are causing her to look for these past lovers? You mentioned that you have been married for 13 years....is she bored? Is she possibly going through a mid life crisis? It does happen to women too. Many times it's not that we are falling out of love with our spouses but that we are looking to re open those doors that provide us with those memories of an exciting time in our lives. Is is possible that you could just sit back and watch for other signs of her pulling away from you, like lying about these Face Book conversations. It is very possible that she will come to her senses and remember how much she loves the "here and now" with you and risking it for a fling with the past, that I might add didn't work out the first time, is not a good idea. It could very well be something innocent in her mind, although, I can honestly say, I would not stand for this for one second. Put the shoe on the other foot...are you allowed to meet up with ex girlfriends for coffee or a beer? I bet not...It's one thing to find old friends...it's a whole another occassion when we hook up and have coffee with those we use to care intimately for. This leads to trouble, a lack of faith, and a break down in the marriage. Good luck.

You should not open your spouses mail either, just because your married, does not give you or anyone the right to invade basic privacy...
If you have jealousy issues over FB maybe you need to get some professional help as to why you are so insecure. Lots of people use the site and it does not destroy their marriage.
You also should not go through your wifes purse or overstep basic privacy issues. You should not be snooping, that will take care of 90% of the problems.
 

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Snoop. Marriage is defined too loosely these days. We have become a society that lets anything go....do what feels good at the time without regard to consequences. AND THERE ARE ALWAYS CONSEQUENCES. You should tell her what you are concerned with....and if she is not being deceitful...she will love you enough to give up anything that might hurt you.
A husband is responsible for his wife...and her feelings...and a wife is responsibe for her husband and his feelings. Your feelings are important.
If you aren't a control freak....and if you don't demand your way...then you deserve to have respect from your spouse.
I will say...however much I think the online system is a huge trap for many people...seems harmless but is dangerous....and breaks up more marriages today than almost anything....HERE WE ARE ON A WEBSITE. Not to be funny...but it is about respect. I don't think anyone on here is looking for a date...hope not anyway. Just annynomous support. Give her a chance to stop talking on facebook.....and don't be too harsh. Explain why you are afraid and if she loves you..she will understand. Explain that you wouldn't put anything in your life to make her uneasy....and you hope she will feel the same way. Communication is very important in a marriage...and not having a "do whatever you want" attitude will make your marriage stronger. Hope I was helpful...but it's just my opinion. Good luck.
 

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This is unacceptable behavior from both of you. The problem is, when one starts acting the way your wife is acting and gives the other person suspicion and distrust....it means the relationship is BAD.

You need to come clean about your snooping and you need to point out why you are having trust issues (because of what she is doing) and that your mistrust has been confirmed by her innappropriateness.

It is NOT appropriate to go looking up past lovers while married. I'm sorry. I don't care what people say about that. Anyone that is posing that we are all so mature yadda yada and that there's nothing wrong with that actually has another agenda in mind. Its an excuse in order to create an opportunity.

Lovers are lovers. Period. If you mix friendship and lovers then I question your boundries. Actually, anyone that tells me that they have/had sex with their best friends is going to deserve an eyebrow raise from me. If you are like this....it tells me you do not have boundries and you are not honest and it will make me distrust you even more around "friends".

The true test of maturity is honesty. Take it from me whom went along with all that deception of "just friends" crap. You give them that inch and they'll take the mile trust me. That goes for men an women.

If your wife feels the need to continue acting this way, show her the door because this is how single people behave. You are NOT responsible for her feelings, you can't control that.
 

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She left it open on the desktop. I really dont think you have anything to worry about.

I get into conversations with old male friends on myspace and FB and they always have to ruin it by saying something stupid about meeting up.. I just ignore it and eventually ignore them.

As far as looking up her ex's... Shes just curious. We're all curious to know how people we've dated in the past are these days. I doubt she's looking to create any sparks.

BTW, FB is very addicting..
I agree, some male FB friends do say stupid things. One of mine said "if you weren't married, I'd make you feel good all night."

ugh.
 

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I don't get facebook at all. I personally would never use it. E-mail is good enough for me. I think it's too teeny bopper, impersonal and stupid.:rolleyes: For those of you who love it, great just not my thing. I also thing the past belongs in the past. Yes, sometimes it's a hoot to catch up with old friends HOWEVER I'm sick and tired of hearing about the EA's and other problems multiple people I know of complain happen while on facebook or other networking sites. Is the grass truly greener, do people have past issues that aren't resolved and take opportunities long lost?? Who knows, I only know I am starting an ANTI FACEBOOK site. Just don't know how to get it started??:scratchhead:
 

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I don't get facebook at all. I personally would never use it. E-mail is good enough for me. I think it's too teeny bopper, impersonal and stupid.:rolleyes: For those of you who love it, great just not my thing. I also thing the past belongs in the past. Yes, sometimes it's a hoot to catch up with old friends HOWEVER I'm sick and tired of hearing about the EA's and other problems multiple people I know of complain happen while on facebook or other networking sites. Is the grass truly greener, do people have past issues that aren't resolved and take opportunities long lost?? Who knows, I only know I am starting an ANTI FACEBOOK site. Just don't know how to get it started??:scratchhead:
I use facebook but it is for staying in contact with my coworker , students that I've known for 2 yrs, friends I went to high school with, & my wls friends. All except 3 or 4 are guys. I only talk to one who is a recently grad. student & that is only to ask how his NCLEX went as well as trying to get a sideshow from pinning.

I'm only on a few sites but that is only for information & to catch up. When you start playing around with someone on the internet then the time from the people in your real life start to suffer because that one person is getting consumed by the unknown. The problem is if you risk everything you have for someone you don't truely know what if it was built up to be nothing. Then again it could be great then the true sides begin to come out & then realize that what you had wasn't as bad as you thought. That is where I am sitting & my husband is honestly taking it in but we're working on it.
 

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I am with 1nurse....It is immature. I have a facebook and myspace just for the sake of keeping up with my teenage son....I don't like it at all. I dont' like him using it..which thankfully, he doesn't much. He is like me...not to much into sitting around on the computer. And I agree...no need in catching up on past relationships. Your current relationship really should be greatest focus....and the grass is always greener on the otherside...because it is well fertilized...with manure.....go over to the other side and you will step in "it".
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I have an update. Last night I confronted my wife on the searching of the ex-boyfriend (“Rick” -- the one who she cheated on me while dating). I confessed that I saw the search history. And of course, we got into a huge fight. Probably the worst in the 20 or so years that we’ve been together (we don’t fight often).

I told her that I was hurt that she wanted to connect with someone who caused so much pain for me. I mentioned that the time we were apart was a very dark period in my life and one that I hadn’t thought about for a long, long time. Her attempting to connect with Rick – if only to say hello -- brought back these feelings, in a big way. I didn’t understand her desire to bring this person back into her life. I mentioned that I had always given her unconditional trust, even after she cheated on me. Now I had seeds of doubt, whether real or just in my head (probably the latter). .

As MizSmith & Veronica thought, my wife said the only reason that she looked up Rick was out of curiosity. Looking up Rick had no more importance than looking up any other person in her past life. She also said that she had no intentions of contacting him. Of course, since Rick isn’t on Facebook I have no way of knowing for sure if that would have been the case. But I have to take her word…right? All I know is that if he was on FB & she had emailed him, that would have broken my heart…

She did try to downplay the whole thing -- saying that our break up happened so long ago (17 years) and that we've both moved on. I was quick to say that if the situation was reversed, and I was looking for a woman that I previously had an affair with, that she would have been very upset as well.

We had a long, long discussion (until about 1AM). She said that I have every reason to trust her and that she would never do anything to jeopardize that – that our marriage is too important.

Today, I’m TRYING to put aside the trust issues that I have recently come up and loose this jealousy. I’m not a jealous person & I hate these feelings.

Thanks to everyone for their helpful suggestions -- and from keeping me off the ledge.
 

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You have a right to be jealous. She is your wife. And maybe it was innocent...and maybe it wasnt'...She was looking up this person without thinking about you. It isn't your fault that she is playing around with fire...and that is what it is. You do not have to take her at her word...and just because she didn't find him...doesn't mean her reason for looking was innocent. Yes.....you do have a right to have a broken trust in her...and she should respect you enough to appoligize for her actions....if they were so "Innocent" then why are you the one who is wrong? Oh and she did do something to jeopardize your trust....she looked up someone she had an affair with.....Does no one else find that suspicious.....at the very least ...inconsiderate?
 

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My husband said 2 days ago he will leave the pc alone unless I am knee deep in something that is occupying my time. I am sick of fighting for his attention when it seems he would rather talk to people on fB that don't matter. Well he finally said he would give it a rest and put me first. It was a huge relief and made me so happy. I hate FB and I have an account but right now it's the devil to me and I don't even want to look at my own account.

If you share your lives together it isn't snooping...you share your lives together. You have reasons in your past to ponder the trust card...so you did...but you talked to her and it is ok now. I am happy this worked out for you. Don't feel bad for checking to make sure things weren't getting out of hand. :)
 

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If I had a SO...I'd be spending a LOT less time online! The occasional FB or MS is just to keep up with friends/family, But I txt or talk to daughter, sons regularly, too.
 

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your email/FB/MS etc is your biz and his is his biz.....but everyone has a different opinion on this. I can tell you that it has helped my marriage to go from sharing a FB account to my wife and I getting her own. We all need something for ourselves. However, if their isn't trust then facebook is the least of your problems so until you are given a reason I would trust your spouse. Typing a ex's name in teh search field could be nothing more than curiousity.
 

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I personally don't have a problem if my wife talk to ex's. She actually chat a lot with one on FB, i do however know that i am the person she wants to be in a relationship with. I have actually told her before she is welcome to see him as well over coffee. LOL, years ago he used to phone her at home and read poems to her that he wrote. She actually felt sorry for him. In the end i can't control my wife, i can however control me. I get the whole "search for an old friend out of curiosity" bit. It is human nature. I just can't get into FB, not my cup of tea.

I also believe there should be enough trust and communication in a relationship that you don't feel the need to "snoop"
 
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