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Ah, the age old excuse of “We are just friends”. I have lots of friends myself, although not many of those friends are women. The friends test is easy: would he say those things to a buddy? If not, then it’s more than friends. For example: I’d certainly talk about past shared sexual experiences with, say, my wife (or before my wife, girls I dated or wanted to date hehehe). I don’t think I’d ever call up my buddy and say “Man, when you were on top, it felt great”. I’d probably have very few friends if I communicated to them in that manner. Nor would I call a woman who is not my wife to say those kinds of things, unless I was trying to get laid (not that I would ever do that to my wife). She is not his friend and he is not her friend: she is his mistress and he is a cheater. Men with pregnant wives don’t call (ex?) lovers talking about sneaking behinds their wives back and laughing at their wives expense (you do realize you were completely mocked, disrespected, and laughed at: those texts say it all).
I really don’t envy the situation you are in and I honestly have no advice to give because, damn, you are in a pickle. Just don’t fool yourself or talk yourself out of the reality of what is actually happening, and what has actually occurred, and you will be able to make better decisions (albeit, extremely hard and difficult ones).
The only advice I could possibly think of is exposing this to everyone and anyone. If it’s just a buddy, and if his behavior is innocent, then he should have no problem with you telling anyone and everyone. But he knows, like you do deep down, that this was not innocent, that it was totally inappropriate, and that should anyone besides you find out, they will judge him as the scum he is. Bad people/cheaters/liars/scum thrive in the dark, and when they are caught, they try to minimize their exposure. Leading a double life is difficult: you have to pretend to be a different person half of the time. Your husband is pretending to be a decent person in front of your family and friends: he doesn’t want anyone else to know who he really is, and he knows other people will see him for what he is if they know what he has done. Even worse (from his perspective), those people will tell you how you were RIGHT to suspect what you re suspecting now, and they will give you good advice that will probably be detrimental to your husband. Keeping things secret, and especially keeping you scared to tell others, is his way of protecting the false image of a good husband he wants to perpetuate.
Good luck, I sincerely mean that.
 

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But i had to promise not to tell anyone we know.. Family friends :/ no one. So im stuck alone.. Feeling like i cant trust him.
That's usually the line physically abusive spouses give to the spouse they have just abused. DON'T TELL ANYONE....and I only did it because I LOVE YOU!

I also find it ironic that he is telling you not to tell anyone.....about the person he was telling things to. :scratchhead:
 

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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
Ah, the age old excuse of “We are just friends”. I have lots of friends myself, although not many of those friends are women. The friends test is easy: would he say those things to a buddy? If not, then it’s more than friends. For example: I’d certainly talk about past shared sexual experiences with, say, my wife (or before my wife, girls I dated or wanted to date hehehe). I don’t think I’d ever call up my buddy and say “Man, when you were on top, it felt great”. I’d probably have very few friends if I communicated to them in that manner. Nor would I call a woman who is not my wife to say those kinds of things, unless I was trying to get laid (not that I would ever do that to my wife). She is not his friend and he is not her friend: she is his mistress and he is a cheater. Men with pregnant wives don’t call (ex?) lovers talking about sneaking behinds their wives back and laughing at their wives expense (you do realize you were completely mocked, disrespected, and laughed at: those texts say it all).
I really don’t envy the situation you are in and I honestly have no advice to give because, damn, you are in a pickle. Just don’t fool yourself or talk yourself out of the reality of what is actually happening, and what has actually occurred, and you will be able to make better decisions (albeit, extremely hard and difficult ones).
The only advice I could possibly think of is exposing this to everyone and anyone. If it’s just a buddy, and if his behavior is innocent, then he should have no problem with you telling anyone and everyone. But he knows, like you do deep down, that this was not innocent, that it was totally inappropriate, and that should anyone besides you find out, they will judge him as the scum he is. Bad people/cheaters/liars/scum thrive in the dark, and when they are caught, they try to minimize their exposure. Leading a double life is difficult: you have to pretend to be a different person half of the time. Your husband is pretending to be a decent person in front of your family and friends: he doesn’t want anyone else to know who he really is, and he knows other people will see him for what he is if they know what he has done. Even worse (from his perspective), those people will tell you how you were RIGHT to suspect what you re suspecting now, and they will give you good advice that will probably be detrimental to your husband. Keeping things secret, and especially keeping you scared to tell others, is his way of protecting the false image of a good husband he wants to perpetuate.
Good luck, I sincerely mean that.
The only thing thats stopping me is the whole porn thing. Like I feel totally ashamed and upset at myself still. When he brings it up I cry. He says I didn't tell anyone about what happened with you. I feel like at this point I need to tell people what I did so he can't hold it against me. I tried to tell him what the difference is, is that those girls are HERE where we live and he got a ride from one when he was drunk. Porn is people we don't know and I know I used what I watched on my hubby and sex is better. I still think it was wrong I watched it but I don't see that nearly as bad as what he has done. I just don't know who to tell first. His mother is in town and I want to tell her so badly. I mean she saw me run out of the room in the middle of the night hysterically crying, shaking and about to leave. At night I still feel upset... and things he says to me he said to the two girls. I so badly also want to confront them like wtf were you thinking?! But that prob won't help any.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
Also Thank you everyone for listening to my stupid self. I feel like I am so stuck and I appreciate every little piece of advice, support and story. I believe at this point its a matter of me speaking out. I am a very passive girl and don't say whats on my mind or whats bothering me ever. So this is very difficult for me. I want to tell my parents more than anything.
 

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The only thing thats stopping me is the whole porn thing. Like I feel totally ashamed and upset at myself still. When he brings it up I cry. He says I didn't tell anyone about what happened with you. I feel like at this point I need to tell people what I did so he can't hold it against me. I tried to tell him what the difference is, is that those girls are HERE where we live and he got a ride from one when he was drunk. Porn is people we don't know and I know I used what I watched on my hubby and sex is better. I still think it was wrong I watched it but I don't see that nearly as bad as what he has done. I just don't know who to tell first. His mother is in town and I want to tell her so badly. I mean she saw me run out of the room in the middle of the night hysterically crying, shaking and about to leave. At night I still feel upset... and things he says to me he said to the two girls. I so badly also want to confront them like wtf were you thinking?! But that prob won't help any.
Look, my husband and I don't watch porn, but even he and I would agree that porn =/= to cheating. Your husband texting/messaging these women all the time, and the nature of the messages, indicate cheating...at the very least, an EA (or multiple EAs). In viewing porn, you were not going out and actively seeking attention elsewhere. He was...even if he won't admit it/doesn't recognize it. Two TOTALLY different issues. If he were to bring up the porn, all you have to do is fire back that porn = porn, what he is doing would be emotional infidelity and emotional infidelity = emotional infidelity.
 

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Also Thank you everyone for listening to my stupid self. I feel like I am so stuck and I appreciate every little piece of advice, support and story. I believe at this point its a matter of me speaking out. I am a very passive girl and don't say whats on my mind or whats bothering me ever. So this is very difficult for me. I want to tell my parents more than anything.
You're not stupid. You have a very legitimate concern. As we have said, he doesn't want you talking to close friends/family because he knows what he is doing is wrong. I really think you DO need to find a close friend you CAN speak with about this. Your promise was made because you don't want to rock the boat. I understand that. But in order to FIX this...you are going to HAVE to rock the boat. Don't go straight to your parents, necessarily, but pick a close trusted girl friend and talk to her about it. You need someone IRL, not just online.
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
You're not stupid. You have a very legitimate concern. As we have said, he doesn't want you talking to close friends/family because he knows what he is doing is wrong. I really think you DO need to find a close friend you CAN speak with about this. Your promise was made because you don't want to rock the boat. I understand that. But in order to FIX this...you are going to HAVE to rock the boat. Don't go straight to your parents, necessarily, but pick a close trusted girl friend and talk to her about it. You need someone IRL, not just online.
The thing with that is my close friends husband works with mine and he has a huge mouth and will tell everyone. :/ Also I am 21 so idk how wise my friends advice is. I feel a lot of the time they are immature and I want to grow and be mature with my situation and being married. And I do want to fix this so badly. I hate feeling like my heart is in my stomach and that I am going to throw up. I am tired of laying next to him at night tempted to go through his phone all the time. That's not right and I shouldn't feel that way.

He also apologized and he's been more cuddly, has paid a lot more attention to me and has bought me flowers and has just been sweet. but Idk I am still bothered.
 

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The porn you're talking about is not adultery. Say that to yourself over and over until you truly get it. This is what we call false equivalency & your husband is using it to control you.

What he is doing is adultery. He is in the wrong. And he probably won't stop because he knows he can guilt and bamboozle you, so he can have his cake and eat it, too.

It is really up to you to stand up for yourself here. It's your life & you can choose to live it with some self-respect. This is very much a choice, not something that is handed to us. And it's a very hard choice to make, esp. when you are heavily pregnant, so you have to be very strong.

No matter what, you need to stop questioning yourself, questioning your feelings and instincts about this. Your H is manipulating you in your most vulnerable state so that he can pursue his selfish desires. You should gather up all your strength to have some self-respect and tell him where to get off.

If you can kick him out, do it.

Just imagine what it would be like if he spent all the time and energy he puts into lying and deceiving you into your marriage. He won't do that if you continually let him get away with his lies.
 

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The only thing thats stopping me is the whole porn thing. Like I feel totally ashamed and upset at myself still. When he brings it up I cry. He says I didn't tell anyone about what happened with you. I feel like at this point I need to tell people what I did so he can't hold it against me. I tried to tell him what the difference is, is that those girls are HERE where we live and he got a ride from one when he was drunk. Porn is people we don't know and I know I used what I watched on my hubby and sex is better. I still think it was wrong I watched it but I don't see that nearly as bad as what he has done. I just don't know who to tell first. His mother is in town and I want to tell her so badly. I mean she saw me run out of the room in the middle of the night hysterically crying, shaking and about to leave. At night I still feel upset... and things he says to me he said to the two girls. I so badly also want to confront them like wtf were you thinking?! But that prob won't help any.
What he did was SO not okay. He likes to say that they're "just friends" and he was "making them feel better"..no husband should be saying things to other women that could give them the wrong idea. Do I believe he was innocent in the way he was talking to these women? Definitely not. He knows better. It's time to get really mad missy.. you need to put your foot down. There is a FINE LINE (pretty easily seen IMO) between inappropriate and appropriate conversations with "friends" of the opposite sex. I'm pretty sure he can clearly see that line, but chooses to ignore it anyway. It's just plain wrong. Stop making excuses for him!

And you definitely need to talk to someone about it, if not for your own peace of mind. It will help if you confide in a friend (you don't have to tell hubby about it). I agree with the others..he knows if he's exposed for what he really is, then the game is over. Right now he's still "safe".
 
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And what he's doing vs your little porn viewing are two completely different things..
 

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Discussion Starter · #31 ·
What he did was SO not okay. He likes to say that they're "just friends" and he was "making them feel better"..no husband should be saying things to other women that could give them the wrong idea. Do I believe he was innocent in the way he was talking to these women? Definitely not. He knows better. It's time to get really mad missy.. you need to put your foot down. There is a FINE LINE (pretty easily seen IMO) between inappropriate and appropriate conversations with "friends" of the opposite sex. I'm pretty sure he can clearly see that line, but chooses to ignore it anyway. It's just plain wrong. Stop making excuses for him!

And you definitely need to talk to someone about it, if not for your own peace of mind. It will help if you confide in a friend (you don't have to tell hubby about it). I agree with the others..he knows if he's exposed for what he really is, then the game is over. Right now he's still "safe".
I believe I will take everyone's advice and talk to a friend about it. I kept the photos of the messages on my email and phone. He told me to get over it I needed to delete the photos I took. But even if I did they are still burned into my head. And I can't bring it up with him and tell him how I feel daily because he said it hurts him and makes him feel like ****. I wish I would have kept the first messages too but I didn't but I remember what everything that was said.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
And what he's doing vs your little porn viewing are two completely different things..
I agree and I haven't viewed it ever again. I feel disgusted with myself still and that incident happened MONTHS ago. He says I don't look through your phone, I forgave you, you should forgive me. I gave you a chance, give me one.
 

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He is a master manipulator. You are attractive (my daughter is half Filipino so I know you're pretty), you're young, even with kids you still have a lot of potential in life. Don't be cowed by his manipulations. Talk to his mother. Then tell him to move out for a while. Tell him he can come home when he wants to be home. Maybe.

My favorite saying is, you have to be willing to lose your marriage, to save it. But really he sounds just childish and he needs a smack in the face to wake him up. Tell him if he wants to be with other girls, you can arrange that easily. Divorce.

No more facebook. Delete the account and it's gone forever. You want passwords to his phone, email, etc. As an example, my wife has full access to all my accounts and I've never cheated on her. We are married so I share all I have with her. This is normal behavior. If he doesn't want to do that he really doesn't want to be married. I mean come on, you'll smash your private parts together, you'll swap spit, exchange bodily fluids, but won't share facebook? Really??
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
He is a master manipulator. You are attractive (my daughter is half Filipino so I know you're pretty), you're young, even with kids you still have a lot of potential in life. Don't be cowed by his manipulations. Talk to his mother. Then tell him to move out for a while. Tell him he can come home when he wants to be home. Maybe.

My favorite saying is, you have to be willing to lose your marriage, to save it. But really he sounds just childish and he needs a smack in the face to wake him up. Tell him if he wants to be with other girls, you can arrange that easily. Divorce.

No more facebook. Delete the account and it's gone forever. You want passwords to his phone, email, etc. As an example, my wife has full access to all my accounts and I've never cheated on her. We are married so I share all I have with her. This is normal behavior. If he doesn't want to do that he really doesn't want to be married. I mean come on, you'll smash your private parts together, you'll swap spit, exchange bodily fluids, but won't share facebook? Really??
The thing that gets me is that he says he left his phone unlocked because he has nothing to hide. If he wanted to hide what he did he would have put a lock on his phone. but he was acting funny with his phone like hovering over me when I went to look at a text from my dad. or if I picked up his phone. I mean he wouldn't even let me forward a text from my dad that I needed to be on my phone he said let me do it.
 

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The thing that gets me is that he says he left his phone unlocked because he has nothing to hide. If he wanted to hide what he did he would have put a lock on his phone. but he was acting funny with his phone like hovering over me when I went to look at a text from my dad. or if I picked up his phone. I mean he wouldn't even let me forward a text from my dad that I needed to be on my phone he said let me do it.
It's called gaslighting, a manioulative tactic to make you doubt your own perceptions, even sanity. It can be very abusive at times. Google it.
 

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Just so you know, nothing is wrong with watching porn and enjoying it. If you husband is not giving you attention or being sexual with you, and sometimes it is actually hard when your 8 months pregnant and most men don't want to have sex with pregnant wife often, I still did, but sometimes its awkward :eek:; then masturbate and enjoy the porn, its not illegal in your marriage and its healthy, if your not abusing it and giving it up to your hubby when he wants it.

Him comparing porn to him cheating with other women so so ridiculous I don't even know what the call it, and my dear, believe it he has had sex with these women, you can bet on it based on the way he is hiding. I know, I have done bad things and I acted like your husband. You need to let his and your parents know, so you can embarass the as*hole. If he truly loves you he will understand you did it to protect your family from the hounds that are at bay (the other women).

Take control because your husband sounds like a insensitive prick, I feel for you sweetie. You sound like a beautiful compassionate woman and your young. Very YOUNG, so learn and grow and move on if you think it is the right thing. Your husband will probably not change, he is too immature. There is no privacy in marriage except going to the bathroom to POOP, even then I walk in on my wife LOL and she doesn't care, because we are married, we are one.

You deserve to be treated with respect and love and your husband is not doing either. Kick where it hurts by telling his parents and showing the evidence. That way he will be embarassed and will stop. I recommend leaving him, because I think and believe he has are had sex with these women, if not them then prostitutes. These are the type of guys that pay for sex. I KNOW!!
 

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I want to find out more but he deleted his facebook to start over. The girl he had sex with also got a married military man in trouble for having sex with him. I mean shes a hefer. She even asked what about your wife? And asked is texting a no no? My husband said no my wife doesnt go through my phone. Dumb ass doesnt know but i took pictures of the messages and emailed them to myself. He keeps saying the same thing over and over that they are friends n he was trying to make her feel better. Hes more lovey to me but like i have no idea about texting because he can easily delete the messages and etc. :( its so hard im having our first baby together on monday. If he doenst pull his head out of his ass im leaving.
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Time to break out the texts that you emailed yourself. Ask him about the text message about sleeping with her. This is enough evidence to bring it up and demand the truth. Is there anyway you can get his call logs? Are you on his account? if so call the cell phone company and get his texts messages. I think they save them for 30 days (Or more) What kind of phone does he have? You can install a key logger on some types of smart phones.

If he is deleting all of his text message that is a huge red flag! They are more then just friends, they have had sex at least once!
 

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I believe I will take everyone's advice and talk to a friend about it. I kept the photos of the messages on my email and phone. He told me to get over it I needed to delete the photos I took. But even if I did they are still burned into my head. And I can't bring it up with him and tell him how I feel daily because he said it hurts him and makes him feel like ****. I wish I would have kept the first messages too but I didn't but I remember what everything that was said.
Don't get rid of them. Your husband is an *******. You need to go get checked out for STD's
 

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The thing that gets me is that he says he left his phone unlocked because he has nothing to hide.
Translation of a cheating husband with a very pregnant wife: I know you won't leave me and I'm teaching you to accept that I WILL screw anyone I want, dammit. So F you. Read the messages all you want. I'm not scared of you.

Know how to make him scared? Go see a lawyer and have him write up how much he's going to have to pay you in child support once you divorce him. (note: you don't have to really divorce him - just show him you WILL)
 
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