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Example: while talking about coming to visit and getting food and drinks he mentions if i don't want to drive i can leave my car at his hotel, i say if my H is working I'll leave it with him, then he offers we could always take a taxi if we drink.

^^^This was apparently suggestive. In my head he was offering me alternatives so I didn't have to drive, leave it at hotel and we'll get a different ride to the strip. made sense to me, i didn't think my old friend was hitting on me at all. besides im married and hes dating someone.
I'm of the view that couples should share passwords .I think in your situation, things were misunderstood.
But I also think that misunderstandings can be easily sorted out if there is a background of trust.

Has anything happened in the past to cause your husband to mistrust?
 
-- Example: while talking about coming to visit and getting food and drinks he mentions if i don't want to drive i can leave my car at his hotel, i say if my H is working I'll leave it with him, then he offers we could always take a taxi if we drink.

^^^This was apparently suggestive. --

Ah, yeah. Highly suggestive. THAT, I would not be cool. You have to remember how a guy's mind works. We know how other guys are. So, we're always aware of someone trying to scam on our woman. Your H doesn't know this guy, so there's really only one way for him to take that kind of message.
Not just guys, Thunder. It was suggestive to me, too. How this reads to me, a woman: I'll leave the car with my husband and I will be free to go to the hotel where you're staying, using the pretense that I can get a cab home.
 
Discussion starter · #24 ·
OP - you stated that you go to the movies with a male friend, that would never happen in my marriage. Way too intamant. That is a date.....
i said same sex friend. a female. we go see a movie maybe once a month, i go to her house and eat pizza, i take pictures the whole time and send them to my H so he knows where I am. and depending on how late it is I either sleep on the couch there or i go home
 
he may be emotionally, but i would have no idea unless he said something. physically it's just not possible. he stays home literally all day, the most he does is watch a ton of porn(not an issue to me) but he may have something going on in his head about us or his ex or whatever, i can sometimes feel it when he won't hug me(and he has admitted this as the reason why on like 2 occasions when I ask him about it).
he stays at home all day? what does he do for a living? Seems he has an awful lot of idle time on his hands to dwell and search for things that aren't really there.

But you have to do your part too and make sure you're not doing anything to cast suspicion.
 
i said same sex friend. a female. we go see a movie maybe once a month, i go to her house and eat pizza, i take pictures the whole time and send them to my H so he knows where I am. and depending on how late it is I either sleep on the couch there or i go home
Does he require you to do that or you just do it to ease his mind? Sounds very dysfunctional to me. Have you guys considered counseling?
 
Not just guys, Thunder. It was suggestive to me, too. How this reads to me, a woman: I'll leave the car with my husband and I will be free to go to the hotel where you're staying, using the pretense that I can get a cab home.
Point well taken. You are correct.
 
Discussion starter · #29 ·
Does he require you to do that or you just do it to ease his mind? Sounds very dysfunctional to me. Have you guys considered counseling?
he used to work a good part time job but when we moved again he hasn't had any luck getting a job in his career feild so he has just been at home collecting unemployment and putting in job applications. I keep telling him he will feel better once he is back out working and meeting people and staying busy.
as far as the pictures go, this is what he says "i never said you had to do that" but this is what happens if I don't "how do I know you are where you say you are, how do i know you aren't going to some dudes house, how do i know..." So i send him pictures of my friend and me eating or watching tv or going to the store. its better than the argument that would happen if i didn't. we've done counseling, but he doesnt ever stay, he needs it for other reasons than just this relationship, i think if he solved his insecurities we could do better and i could trust my feelings with him, but as it stands he uses them against me instead of being kind to the trust I give him
 
DH has access to everything if he wants. Facebook hasn't changed our relationship or made it challenging at all.

There are a lot of people who aren't going to be ok w/their spouse having drinks with "an old friend" from high school who happens to be the opposite sex. Unless spouses can go along I don't see how this scenario would be good for any marriage.
It's true. If you have to do it behind your spouses back it is over the line or coming damn close.
 
Tell ya what. Facebook came THIS close to ending my 17 year marriage, and it was only through some pointed, serious "confrontations" that it got (at least so far) resolved.

Your husband wants to be your "one and only" in every single way. He probably feels completely betrayed, and that your relationship with the OM means more to you than his does. I can speak firsthand of how betrayed a guy feels by FB chatter.

It sounds like you two CAN work this out, but it's going to mean NOT hiding things or keeping secrets. It also might mean him getting a JOB and getting along with HIS life...
 
Discussion starter · #33 ·
wow ok he REALLY needs counseling. Could it be the fact that you're 21 and he's 33? Maybe that's playing on his insecurities too.
probably. mainly when it comes to me going out and having friends. he thinks because of my age he is holding me back, that i should be out partying or what-have-you with people my own age, but i'm much more content with my older female friends just going to their place and sitting around talking. he doesn't believe me though which is why he thinks i'm always doing other things
 
Tell ya what. Facebook came THIS close to ending my 17 year marriage, and it was only through some pointed, serious "confrontations" that it got (at least so far) resolved.

Your husband wants to be your "one and only" in every single way. He probably feels completely betrayed, and that your relationship with the OM means more to you than his does. I can speak firsthand of how betrayed a guy feels by FB chatter.

It sounds like you two CAN work this out, but it's going to mean NOT hiding things or keeping secrets. It also might mean him getting a JOB and getting along with HIS life...
Thing about it, is inappropriate communication has been occuring before christ, and with the same implied reasons. Friends who still would bang the wife, and the wife wants to be naughty and talk a big game, wants to still be "cool" to the friends.

Over time and through complaining on the husband her and the "friend" grow closer and at some time she may even let him mount her. They keep the husband in the dark. So now the primary secret is between the wife and the "friend", while the husband is a mere prop in her life, something to be observed.

Happens all the damn time.

Easy way around it is to not allow inappropriate conversation, even if you where friends like that. If guy wants to come in town and see you let the husband know, let the guy visit you guys at the house or husband come and do an activity with him, since there really is nothing to hide.

Husband doesn't over react when there is inappropriate convo on FB, he reacts properly, because he was hurt.

It's the same if a male was doing it to a female.
 
You know, Its not Facebook that is the problem.

Your always hearing about how bad Facebook is, People deactivating their accounts, moaning and groaning about how bad it is when really its not Facebook that is the problem, its how you use it and what your doing on there.

Your always hearing "its ruining peoples marriages" "somebody's partner is PM this person and that person" but you as a person knows what is appropriate or not, and what would piss your partner off.

For me my husband has not got my password, but its there to look at if he wanted to, but he has no reason because if i receive a message i will tell him..... If i got a message he would not like i would also tell him.

To be honest with you if my hubby saw a message about getting drinks and leaving the car at some guys hotel he would flip out, but that is just him, he would find this inappropriate me going for drinks with another male friend.

Like i say its not Facebook that is the problem, Its how you use it and what your doing on there.
 
Myriad-

We all have insecurities...I wouldn't throw him under the bus so readily based on this....

It appears you are unconscious to the fact that this male friend gave inappropriate solutions for you, being that you are married. No married woman should meet an opposite sex friend at a hotel. No way should you "plan" on drinking to the point where you could not drive.

I used to be this unconscious....and my husband had every right to be insecure, because My unconsciousness meant I did not enforce appropriate boundaries.

Thank goodness I had enough sense to hear my husband's plea for consideration and respect beyond his insecurities...

I don't think it's fair to generalize this as controlling...it doesn't sound like he has stopped you in the past....but he is trying to tell you how he feels (albeit imperfectly)....

My suggestion is to talk with him about what types a friendships/activities are appropriate for your relationship.

This is merely a communication issue between you and your husband.
 
Let me make sure I am reading this correct. You are a married woman who...

1) Is going out with a man alone with him?
2) Is going out drinking with him?
3) Is going to drink sufficient quantities of alcohol to warrant not driving?
4) Is meeting him at a hotel?
 
Let me make sure I am reading this correct. You are a married woman who...

1) Is going out with a man alone with him?
2) Is going out drinking with him?
3) Is going to drink sufficient quantities of alcohol to warrant not driving?
4) Is meeting him at a hotel?
^^^ All of the above. My hubby would HATE all of them, but i would not even think about doing them, but that is just me.

I would not like to tell you what my husband would say if he saw a PM with this content, and to be honest, I would not like to tell you what i would say if i saw them on his either..... Its not appropriate in our relationship, but i suppose were all different.
 
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Let me make sure I am reading this correct. You are a married woman who...

1) Is going out with a man alone with him?
2) Is going out drinking with him?
3) Is going to drink sufficient quantities of alcohol to warrant not driving?
4) Is meeting him at a hotel?
:smthumbup:

Ding! Ding! Winner, Winner chickens dinner!
 
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