Talk About Marriage banner

81 - 100 of 134 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,966 Posts
I will never get married again. If I'll ever have a GF again, we will have separate apartments. Not going through all that crap again... :rolleyes:
That is your choice, one that is understandable.

I admonish you, though, choices are often mutual.

You set your rules, not the relationships, in toto.
 
  • Like
Reactions: In Absentia

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
While women are often gatekeepers for sex, men are often the gatekeepers for relationships. As a man, use this to your advantage. No sex, no relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,002 Posts
Husbands don’t know when they get married their wives will eventually be acceptable of their children sleeping in bed with her (completely unacceptable in my book) yet as a BF, I can see the dynamics of mother and child and make my decisions accordingly.
That's not been my experience including with my first wife who I had a child (who is turning 30 this year) with.

How many kids do you have together?
Two together, with the oldest turning 21 later this year and the youngest who will be turning 18.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,994 Posts
Talking about beds... we never had children sleeping in our bed (well, very rarely)... if they woke up, I would go to their bedroom and sleep on the floor next to them... I liked to preserve the "sanctity" of our marital bedroom... not that it worked... :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
Talking about beds... we never had children sleeping in our bed (well, very rarely)... if they woke up, I would go to their bedroom and sleep on the floor next to them... I liked to preserve the "sanctity" of our marital bedroom... not that it worked... :)
It’s more common than you think. It’s like a call from the governor and gives the spouse an out, yet again.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,966 Posts
While women are often gatekeepers for sex, men are often the gatekeepers for relationships. As a man, use this to your advantage. No sex, no relationship.

Argh!

Gates are to keep out savages and are used often by disallowers.

When a gate is used as relationship leverage, the mettle of it, soon smells of mistrust, soon tastes of rust.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
50 Posts
Did you try to discuss it with her? What was the criticism that made her withdraw?
My spouse did not process her feelings. She was a feelings stuffer. When times were good, there was enough positive love for her to get past the difficult times, mostly by expressing her own needs. When her needs were met, she would be less defensive. It did not resolve conflict though.

I grew up in a home with a father who was rather critical. He was the product of a home with much alcoholism. I suspect that at the core of his issues was a fear of abandonment. That may be my core issue as well.

The bottom line with criticism is that it is destructive. I was critical of her in many ways, but the hardest to reconcile related to how we were dealing with our health as we aged. I wished to reduce the processed foods in the house and to keep a commitment to exercise. Food is her comfort mechanism and exercise is something she just hates. That was not a problem in our youth, but at this point she is morbidly obese and diabetic. To further complicate matters, junk food is a weakness for me that I wish to keep out of the house. My father was a food addict and I watched what it did to the last 20 years of his life. I watched him become diabetic. I watched hiis knees and hips fail as he eventually spent all of his time in a chair. Obviously, this situation was no picnic for my mother.

I failed to love my wife unconditionally. I was partially because of my own childhood baggage. I suspect that her withdrawal was partially do to her difficulty embracing positive changes. She did not speak her negotiation of the relationship. She withdrew from the strong emotions that her feelings caused in her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
531 Posts
Discussion Starter #91
My spouse did not process her feelings. She was a feelings stuffer. When times were good, there was enough positive love for her to get past the difficult times, mostly by expressing her own needs. When her needs were met, she would be less defensive. It did not resolve conflict though.

I grew up in a home with a father who was rather critical. He was the product of a home with much alcoholism. I suspect that at the core of his issues was a fear of abandonment. That may be my core issue as well.

The bottom line with criticism is that it is destructive. I was critical of her in many ways, but the hardest to reconcile related to how we were dealing with our health as we aged. I wished to reduce the processed foods in the house and to keep a commitment to exercise. Food is her comfort mechanism and exercise is something she just hates. That was not a problem in our youth, but at this point she is morbidly obese and diabetic. To further complicate matters, junk food is a weakness for me that I wish to keep out of the house. My father was a food addict and I watched what it did to the last 20 years of his life. I watched him become diabetic. I watched hiis knees and hips fail as he eventually spent all of his time in a chair. Obviously, this situation was no picnic for my mother.

I failed to love my wife unconditionally. I was partially because of my own childhood baggage. I suspect that her withdrawal was partially do to her difficulty embracing positive changes. She did not speak her negotiation of the relationship. She withdrew from the strong emotions that her feelings caused in her.
I’m not sure if the love in a marriage is ever unconditional. Not like with children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,994 Posts
My spouse did not process her feelings. She was a feelings stuffer. When times were good, there was enough positive love for her to get past the difficult times, mostly by expressing her own needs. When her needs were met, she would be less defensive. It did not resolve conflict though.

I grew up in a home with a father who was rather critical. He was the product of a home with much alcoholism. I suspect that at the core of his issues was a fear of abandonment. That may be my core issue as well.

The bottom line with criticism is that it is destructive. I was critical of her in many ways, but the hardest to reconcile related to how we were dealing with our health as we aged. I wished to reduce the processed foods in the house and to keep a commitment to exercise. Food is her comfort mechanism and exercise is something she just hates. That was not a problem in our youth, but at this point she is morbidly obese and diabetic. To further complicate matters, junk food is a weakness for me that I wish to keep out of the house. My father was a food addict and I watched what it did to the last 20 years of his life. I watched him become diabetic. I watched hiis knees and hips fail as he eventually spent all of his time in a chair. Obviously, this situation was no picnic for my mother.

I failed to love my wife unconditionally. I was partially because of my own childhood baggage. I suspect that her withdrawal was partially do to her difficulty embracing positive changes. She did not speak her negotiation of the relationship. She withdrew from the strong emotions that her feelings caused in her.
I think you are a copy of me. You are describing my marriage, including the weight gain and comfort eating. I too grew up in a hypercritical household, so maybe I was too, maybe excessively so. I doubt it though. I've had abandonment issues too. When I felt rejected - after feeling rejected all my life until I met my wife - my world collapsed. Badly. But I didn't know that. I failed to love her unconditionally at that time, I was selfish, and it destroyed us. But as you say, it was childhood baggage which sat dormant inside my head.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
112 Posts
I agree but thats what happened in my first divorce and multiple attorneys have told me it would likely repeat. One told me the best case is she only gets 1/3 as Florida is kind to the person who is left "without resources to live" in most divorces situations. She will claim that since she HASN'T worked in many years its too hard to find a job now especially at her age and I would pay for it.
If you been married 6 years in Florida, you better SERIOUSLY think about divorce BEFORE you hit that 7 year mark. Once you hit the 7 year mark in Florida, you're pretty much screwed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,482 Posts
Husbands don’t know when they get married their wives will eventually be acceptable of their children sleeping in bed with her (completely unacceptable in my book)
I've had at least one kid, usually two or more, in my bed for the last 12 years. Letting that get in the way of sex is just an excuse.

For the record, husband's can be okay with children in the bed too or be the ones to push for it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
712 Posts
Humanity is complex. Yes, the low drive spouse should be thankful that they are not being cheated on. My wife and I have had some epic dry spells.. 2.5 years one time. However, there is more to a marriage than sex and so sticking it out with your spouse has benefits that go beyond the bedroom.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,340 Posts
Absolutely. A wife has her spouse locked up. She no longer need to impress, and often won’t. It may take years, but complacency will always set in to a marriage. She will focus on the kids and the man gets shoved aside. Now a gf has to keep working at it or she gets a next. There’s dates and alone times with no kids around. Keeps things fresh. I give credit to the ones that can do that in a marriage. Unfortunately, I read somewhere that it’s about only 13% of marriages that still have a romantic love for one another after 8 years and only 2% feel an obsession for each other. Pathetic statistics.
Those stats seem unbelievable, but I have no reason to doubt them. Sad state of affairs for too many people. I guess it's not surprising that for a lot of people the passion fades. When you think about if you've been married for 8 years and have had a fairly normal sex life you've had sex with your partner thousands of times. It does get hard to keep it fresh and exciting for both. For us we both actively work on keeping it spicy, somethings work out some don't, but even with the things that don't we both feel good that we are still trying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
Those stats seem unbelievable, but I have no reason to doubt them. Sad state of affairs for too many people. I guess it's not surprising that for a lot of people the passion fades. When you think about if you've been married for 8 years and have had a fairly normal sex life you've had sex with your partner thousands of times. It does get hard to keep it fresh and exciting for both. For us we both actively work on keeping it spicy, somethings work out some don't, but even with the things that don't we both feel good that we are still trying.
Key result: 42 (13%) of the 312 participants gave all 6s to every romantic love (Factor 1) item, even after controlling for social desirability. Their mean relationship length (8.39 years) was virtually identical to the over- all mean. For obsession (Factor 2), for which it was easier to have all 6s by chance (there were fewer items), only six individuals (2%) gave the highest possible answer to each question after controlling for social desirability;

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,340 Posts
Key result: 42 (13%) of the 312 participants gave all 6s to every romantic love (Factor 1) item, even after controlling for social desirability. Their mean relationship length (8.39 years) was virtually identical to the over- all mean. For obsession (Factor 2), for which it was easier to have all 6s by chance (there were fewer items), only six individuals (2%) gave the highest possible answer to each question after controlling for social desirability;

I think the basic take away for me is that many couples get lazy, complacent and take things for granted. So many end up in a comfortable semi platonic state, roommates who are occasionally romantic and occasionally have sex. Keeping the fire burning takes continuous effort but it can be fun.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
I think the basic take away for me is that many couples get lazy, complacent and take things for granted. So many end up in a comfortable semi platonic state, roommates who are occasionally romantic and occasionally have sex. Keeping the fire burning takes continuous effort but it can be fun.
Funny, I just posted basically these same thoughts on another thread. I agree completely.
 
81 - 100 of 134 Posts
Top