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I have been reading mostly in the surviving infidelity forum but took a look in the sex in marriage forum. I was genuinely shocked by how many marriages are sexless. People saying they go months without sex. Some even years. I will preface this by saying as someone whose husband cheated, I wonder why some of these clearly tortured souls don’t cheat. My husband had a regular stream of sex. Normal ups and downs over the years...But never did he go longer than 2 weeks without physical intimacy. I knew very early on how much it meant to him. I always tried to satisfy him even when I was angry or hurt. To see the complete disregard that some people endure under the guise of a “good marriage” was eye opening. I’m not sure if I have a question or this is simply musings but the expression that so many people live lives of quiet desperation comes to mind...
The pain that resonates off the pages is palpable and on more than a few threads I thought if only these poor souls spouses could really see the pain they are causing the person they love and realize how insanely lucky they are that they are not being cheated on.
 

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I have been reading mostly in the surviving infidelity forum but took a look in the sex in marriage forum. I was genuinely shocked by how many marriages are sexless.
Keep in mind, most people come here when they are having problems in their marriage. The "sex in marriage" posts are all going to be full of sex issues, obviously. So just because a lot of people here are in sexless marriages (or have any other variety of problems) doesn't mean most marriages are like that.

A lot of people in sexless marriages are doing it to themselves, whether they want to see that or not. Some refuse to have serious conversations with their spouse about it, so their spouses may not be aware of just how big of an issue it is and how much pain it causes. Some refuse to make changes that they need to in the marriage, whether that's things they need to do differently or putting their foot down, etc. Some refuse to end the marriage and just complain about it for years and years.

The spouse shouldn't be glad they are not being cheated on... They should be glad they are not divorced. A sexless marriage isn't a reason to cheat. At least not in my book.
 

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Keep in mind, most people come here when they are having problems in their marriage. The "sex in marriage" posts are all going to be full of sex issues, obviously. So just because a lot of people here are in sexless marriages (or have any other variety of problems) doesn't mean most marriages are like that.

A lot of people in sexless marriages are doing it to themselves, whether they want to see that or not. Some refuse to have serious conversations with their spouse about it, so their spouses may not be aware of just how big of an issue it is and how much pain it causes. Some refuse to make changes that they need to in the marriage, whether that's things they need to do differently or putting their foot down, etc. Some refuse to end the marriage and just complain about it for years and years.

The spouse shouldn't be glad they are not being cheated on... They should be glad they are not divorced. A sexless marriage isn't a reason to cheat. At least not in my book.
There really never is a good reason to cheat. That I agree. It just seems heartbreaking.
 

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Those people have a choice, we all do. They can walk away or endure a lifetime of pain and resentment. No different than taking a cheater back. It’s the fear that holds people to crappy marriages. Fear of financial ruin, being alone or thinking their kids won’t be able to handle it.
 

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Yeah I think married sex is over rated.

And I agree with RebuidingMe to a point but in reality, I think very few folks even if the get divorced find someone they are 100% compatible with and remain unhappy in their married sex life to some extent.

Its not just here either as I read on other sites and the number of unhappy sex lives is rampant there too. Out of all my guy friends (maybe 20 total) only two claim to have a good sex life.
 

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Yeah I think married sex is over rated.

And I agree with RebuidingMe to a point but in reality, I think very few folks even if the get divorced find someone they are 100% compatible with and remain unhappy in their married sex life to some extent.

Its not just here either as I read on other sites and the number of unhappy sex lives is rampant there too. Out of all my guy friends (maybe 20 total) only two claim to have a good sex life.
Sex life with a gf is far more frequent and exciting than sex with a wife, hands down. Anyone who tells you different needs to find a new gf.
 

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Sex life with a gf is far more frequent and exciting than sex with a wife, hands down. Anyone who tells you different needs to find a new gf.
I think thats the key though as you and I have mentioned before....its a GF and NOT a wife. A GF wants to have sex and a wife doesn't! Whenever I do get divorced, I will never have a wife again but WILL have a GF!!!
 

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I think thats the key though as you and I have mentioned before....its a GF and NOT a wife. A GF wants to have sex and a wife doesn't! Whenever I do get divorced, I will never have a wife again but WILL have a GF!!!
Absolutely. A wife has her spouse locked up. She no longer need to impress, and often won’t. It may take years, but complacency will always set in to a marriage. She will focus on the kids and the man gets shoved aside. Now a gf has to keep working at it or she gets a next. There’s dates and alone times with no kids around. Keeps things fresh. I give credit to the ones that can do that in a marriage. Unfortunately, I read somewhere that it’s about only 13% of marriages that still have a romantic love for one another after 8 years and only 2% feel an obsession for each other. Pathetic statistics.
 

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Absolutely. A wife has her spouse locked up. She no longer need to impress, and often won’t. It may take years, but complacency will always set in to a marriage. She will focus on the kids and the man gets shoved aside. Now a gf has to keep working at it or she gets a next. There’s dates and alone times with no kids around. Keeps things fresh. I give credit to the ones that can do that in a marriage. Unfortunately, I read somewhere that it’s about only 13% of marriages that still have a romantic love for one another after 8 years and only 2% feel an obsession for each other. Pathetic statistics.
I agree with those stats. I have said before I bet most marriages have pretty crappy sex lives.
 

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There may not be a good reason to cheat, but there are many reasons that are sufficient, apparently. Fixing a relationship or leaving can be difficult and take too much time when you are hurting or in need of affection and attention. Those may not be good reasons, but are sufficient for many.
 
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I have been reading mostly in the surviving infidelity forum but took a look in the sex in marriage forum. I was genuinely shocked by how many marriages are sexless. People saying they go months without sex. Some even years. I will preface this by saying as someone whose husband cheated, I wonder why some of these clearly tortured souls don’t cheat. My husband had a regular stream of sex. Normal ups and downs over the years...But never did he go longer than 2 weeks without physical intimacy. I knew very early on how much it meant to him. I always tried to satisfy him even when I was angry or hurt. To see the complete disregard that some people endure under the guise of a “good marriage” was eye opening. I’m not sure if I have a question or this is simply musings but the expression that so many people live lives of quiet desperation comes to mind...
The pain that resonates off the pages is palpable and on more than a few threads I thought if only these poor souls spouses could really see the pain they are causing the person they love and realize how insanely lucky they are that they are not being cheated on.
For most, I think that the loss of physical intimacy comes as a dysfunctional act of emotional withdrawal. I experienced this in my marriage. My wife had received criticism from me which was an unhealthy way for me to interact with her. Rather than get at what it was that was wrong with our emotional connection, she withdrew. At first she withdrew from things that might draw criticism. Then she withdrew tasks she normally did for me. Eventually, she withdrew from physical intimacy...and yes, at the end it was about two years since she had ventured to reach across to my side of the bed. Her withdrawal was a means of protection from emotional harm in the beginning, but in the end it was a very destructive force. She did not resolve her feelings of being mistreated by confronting me with those feelings. Instead she withdrew and in her withdrawal developed contempt for me. I lived in a sad and lonely world of her contempt until she decided that divorce was her best option. I think by the time a woman stops being intimate, she has probably decided that the marriage is over.
 

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For most, I think that the loss of physical intimacy comes as a dysfunctional act of emotional withdrawal. I experienced this in my marriage. My wife had received criticism from me which was an unhealthy way for me to interact with her. Rather than get at what it was that was wrong with our emotional connection, she withdrew. At first she withdrew from things that might draw criticism. Then she withdrew tasks she normally did for me. Eventually, she withdrew from physical intimacy...and yes, at the end it was about two years since she had ventured to reach across to my side of the bed. Her withdrawal was a means of protection from emotional harm in the beginning, but in the end it was a very destructive force. She did not resolve her feelings of being mistreated by confronting me with those feelings. Instead she withdrew and in her withdrawal developed contempt for me. I lived in a sad and lonely world of her contempt until she decided that divorce was her best option. I think by the time a woman stops being intimate, she has probably decided that the marriage is over.
Interesting story.

Sorry to hijack, but can I ask... she never ONCE made it clear you were hurting her and in her withdrawal you think she is at fault for you pain? Women tend to speak up a lot (or nag!) and get very vocal about what their needs are and when they want abuse to stop.

Foe example, we also have lots of stories here about spouses that are treated in the way that you treated your wife. And what people advise them to do once they’ve suffered so much.

Were you aware of your terrible treatment of her before her withdrawal? It sounds like it was so gradual and that she was mistreated so poorly that it must have taken a lot to get to where she did. In which case I genuinely would like to know whether she never ever told you, asked you, set boundaries? Did you ask You have remarkable insight into the timeline and all of her coping methods.

Can we agree that you were the destructive force rather than her withdrawal being a destructive force?

I’m genuinely curious, and it sounds like you are in a lot of pain having lost her?
 

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I agree with those stats. I have said before I bet most marriages have pretty crappy sex lives.

I hate to rain on the self defeating pity party but there’s no reason most men can’t have a sexually satisfying marriage. The thing is you need to be (or become) a man that your wife respects and is attracted to.

I realize that a lot of married people have crappy sex lives, but a lot have good, passionate, sexual marriages too. I know there are some wives that are just horrible and irreparably non-sexual with their husbands - but most are not. Most wives can be very sexual and affectionate, but you need to inspire and lead that behavior. You do that by being attractive (and I don’t just mean physically) and not being unattractive.

That takes work. You have to lead. You have to be the leader in your marriage. You need to set strong boundaries and expectations. Women (and probably men as well) will act as badly as you let them, so don’t allow bad behavior. You get what you tolerate.

You actually have to do the work to be continually improve yourself - for yourself. Focus on getting better as a man and a human. The rest tends to follow. Have your own purpose, outside of your wife and family.

Be as attractive as possible. Get to the gym and lift heavy things, take care of yourself, learn to flirt and be charming. Be strong - emotionally, mentally and physically. Be playful and fun. Be confident - and if you’re not, act like it and keep improving yourself until you are. Have boundaries and standards.

Stop being unattractive. Don’t be weak, needy, whiny, emotionally reactive, easily offended or rattled. Women are turned off by men they see as weak.

The above is generally effective in inspiring respect and attraction and sexuality from women - including your wife. And at this point, if your wife still thinks you’re useless and doesn’t want to have sex with you, she’ll be easy to replace with someone who does want you.

Or you could just keep complaining about how your sexless marriage sucks and look for validation and commiserating, but choosing not to actually take action to take control of your situation and fix it.
 

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I was genuinely shocked by how many marriages are sexless. People saying they go months without sex. Some even years. I wonder why some of these clearly tortured souls don’t cheat.
I thought if only these poor souls spouses could really see the pain they are causing the person they love and realize how insanely lucky they are that they are not being cheated on.
I often think the same thing.

A simple answer might be that not all people put a high value on intimacy.
Yet, healthy people certainly do.

Health itself, includes both physical and one's mental health, as well.
Well?

Hah! It might be better said, that the need for intimacy changes over time, and any thought of normal would take into account a persons age and general health.

One's body chemistry plays a part in sexual desire.

Reference those demanding hormones.
If they are low-life absent, or coolly displaying, then that hot desire never shows its blushing, red face.

Umm.

One (sad) answer might be that some sex-deprived spouses are very loyal, to the point of being martyrs.
 
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I also never understood why people chose to stay in a sexless marriage. Is there an appeal to being a martyr? If one has done all they can do to try to respark the intimate portion of a marriage and has gotten no response it seems that they would have only two options left.
 

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I’m not sure if I have a question or this is simply musings but the expression that so many people live lives of quiet desperation comes to mind...
The greater tragedy is those who find themselves in such misery, are actually choosing that misery. I don't get why they volunteer for it. Who knows maybe they are masochists at heart, or perhaps they know deep down that they are a massive contributor to why their sex lives suck?

Yeah I think married sex is over rated.
Sex is just sex. Of which I've shared lots of it and in my experience, sex is no different married or otherwise and nor should it be.

And I agree with RebuidingMe to a point but in reality, I think very few folks even if the get divorced find someone they are 100% compatible with and remain unhappy in their married sex life to some extent.
Why does one feel they need 100% compatibility or that such a thing is possible let alone probable, I certainly don't. Yet both of my marriages respectively, were and are tremendously rich and fun sexually.

I agree but I will say if the opportunity presented itself, it would be hard for me to resist.
That's so passive!

If you want more, then apply yourself by seeking and creating such opportunities to then have at it.

Sex life with a gf is far more frequent and exciting than sex with a wife, hands down. Anyone who tells you different needs to find a new gf.
The level of excitement is only as good as those involved, of which a girlfriend can be as lame as a dud wife, in the same way a husband can be as lame as a dud boyfriend.

I certainly never had any hesitation in dumping any woman I dated/ had sex on meeting/ or who was my ongoing girlfriend. If I found the sex to be subpar, or grew bored with them. In fact with extremely rare exception I was always the dumper rather than the dumpee.

Oh and more generally if a man or woman desires a tremendous, rich and sustained sex life with all the bells and whistles. They should understand that reciprocal desire for such things, is better served by being a tremendous sexual partner, who is great (skilled/talented) at delivering all the sexual bells and whistles. If someone is less than that sexually, then they shouldn't be surprised to find they get less than that regardless of their gender.

In other words if someone sux as a sexual partner and they are sexually boring, they are on a fools errand if they think they ought to have a tremendous sex life.
 

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I think thats the key though as you and I have mentioned before....its a GF and NOT a wife. A GF wants to have sex and a wife doesn't! Whenever I do get divorced, I will never have a wife again but WILL have a GF!!!
Since this has happened to you with more than one woman, it may be the case this will keep happening to you even with girlfriends.
 

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Absolutely. A wife has her spouse locked up. She no longer need to impress, and often won’t. It may take years, but complacency will always set in to a marriage.
The above can happen just as readily with a girlfriend.

She will focus on the kids and the man gets shoved aside. Now a gf has to keep working at it or she gets a next. There’s dates and alone times with no kids around. Keeps things fresh.
While this can also happen just as readily with a wife.

Plus just as girlfriends and boyfriends can get dumped, spouses are also often left, cheated on and divorced. So this idea that a girlfriend has to keep working at it is just as applicable to any spouse.

Of which this idea that one has to work at it and perform, is inherently one of the problems that sees what you don't like.

If you want a better ongoing sex life, be a better sexual partner snd don't marry people who fall short of being that themselves. Yet make no mistake, if you aren't all that yourself, you cannot maintain all of that either.
 
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