[Lotustar]

Hello everyone! This is my first post here. I've gone through a few posts and LOVE the support here. My wife (30) and I (40) have been married for four years and known each other for 8. We were best friends first so that's a good thing I guess. She mostly dated girls before we met and says she finds most men "gross". Tonight I'm having to go hang out with one of her ex's (a girl) and a guy they both slept with a few times. And yes, the three of them together. I'm VERY uncomfortable with this. I've told her this and her response was "oh, it was like 11 years ago, relax". I've hung out with the ex girlfriend and my wife a few times and that was bad enough. My wife has slept with just about all of her friends and as time goes by she slips up when drinking and I find out about ANOTHER of her friends she says she never slept with that she in fact DID sleep with. I have NO problem with her hanging out with friends but what do you do when your wife mostly likes girls and most of them are ex's? I mean, even when she meets some girl and casually says how cute that girl is I get nervous, and for good reason I would think. She used to hang out with her best friend and her husband and drink a lot and watch porn and sleep in their bed and I'm supposed to believe they never did anything? Really?! I don't know what to do. The fact she slept with girls mostly makes it VERY difficult. I can't tell her she can have no friends. I have NO ONE to talk to about any of this. Help?

 

[Chris989]

Hi,

Have you told your wife how you feel?

 

[*LittleDeer*]

Sounds like your values don't match up, and you guys desperately need counselling.

Also don't be afraid to have boundaries and stick to them. Maybe come up with boundaries together that you stick with that help you affair proof your marriage.

Also see the thread on here on opposite friends, you could apply those principles to same sex friends, or at least some of them.

What ever you do, don't be a doormat, or she won't respect you. Tell her as her husband you want to protect your marriage.

And lastly she needs to stop being dishonest.

Good luck.

 

[NextTimeAround]

What was your courtship like? Did she hang out with these women while you two were exclusively dating?

 

[JCD]

I'd say: you are making me EXTRAORDINARILY uncomfortable within my marriage. You continue to flaunt your ex LOVERS in front of me, and expect me to accept that simply because they are girls. Well, if it's not cool if they are boys, it's certainly not cool if they are girls. And given your past predilections, you are making me SERIOUSLY wonder if you really want me in your life or wish to go back to chicks.

So I won't be attending your little threesome reunion. And if you had any respect for my feelings, you'd cancel. But I'm guessing that won't happen."

Then I'd hide a VAR in the living room and bedroom.

YOU have not been direct enough in your feelings and she is NOT being empathetic or trustworthy.
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[Thor]

:iagree:

I like JCD's response. I would also add the following. She is being disrespectful by not fully disclosing the names of every person she has had a sexual relationship (of any kind) with. It is dishonest and disloyal not to tell you. It is also incredibly dishonorable and insulting to put you in the position of socially interacting with people you do not know she has had sex with.

Perhaps she doesn't see it as hurtful to you. You may have to calmly explain to her the betrayal you feel when one of these situations crops up. Also how it sends the message that these other people are more important to her than your marriage is.

I think I would make it a divorce level boundary that she fully disclose all names. Perhaps not specifically say the word divorce, but tell her this is "serious" or "a line in the sand for me". She must sit down with you and give you a solid accounting with names and timelines.

There is a Catch-22 with a nuclear consequence. If you tell her D is the result of finding out more names, she will never ever tell you in the future if she left any names out. On the other hand she needs to be scared to her core that this is a very serious issue for you, and her behavior has to change.

I'll be honest, most everybody would require No Contact with former lovers. Certainly no direct socializing. If she's been with most of the people in her social circle, she may have to give up that group entirely.

 

[JCD]

I disagree with Thor a bit.

The problem I would have isn't that she hasn't disclosed every lover; it's that she seems to only socialize with them. She seems to equate 'friendship' with sex. She's sleeping with you, right?

Now I'd man up enough to get over you didn't marry a virgin. And YOU were the one who chose to marry an ex (?) lesbian. (Call Liza Minnelli for how to deal)

But...it's time for her to be LESS forthcoming and less sociable with her ex LOVERS. That is what they are. Time to find some MARRIED friends
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[JCD]

:iagree:

I like JCD's response. I would also add the following. She is being disrespectful by not fully disclosing the names of every person she has had a sexual relationship (of any kind) with. It is dishonest and disloyal not to tell you. It is also incredibly dishonorable and insulting to put you in the position of socially interacting with people you do not know she has had sex with.

Perhaps she doesn't see it as hurtful to you. You may have to calmly explain to her the betrayal you feel when one of these situations crops up. Also how it sends the message that these other people are more important to her than your marriage is.

I think I would make it a divorce level boundary that she fully disclose all names. Perhaps not specifically say the word divorce, but tell her this is "serious" or "a line in the sand for me". She must sit down with you and give you a solid accounting with names and timelines.

There is a Catch-22 with a nuclear consequence. If you tell her D is the result of finding out more names, she will never ever tell you in the future if she left any names out. On the other hand she needs to be scared to her core that this is a very serious issue for you, and her behavior has to change.

I'll be honest, most everybody would require No Contact with former lovers. Certainly no direct socializing. If she's been with most of the people in her social circle, she may have to give up that group entirely.

There is not AFAIK any infidelity. But there is a total lack of class and it IS worrying. The alcoholic keeps inviting her favorite Brandy licker over.

She should drop her friends.
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[Acabado]

Sounds like your values don't match up, and you guys desperately need counselling.
Also don't be afraid to have boundaries and stick to them. Maybe come up with boundaries together that you stick with that help you affair proof your marriage.
And lastly she needs to stop being dishonest.
Good luck.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

[Lotustar]

Wow guys thanks for the GREAT responses!
She knows how I feel about all this. I've told her about it MANY times. She just shrugs it off with an attitude like I'm silly or crazy for the way I feel about it.
@NextTimeAround: Our courtship was great. We are both musicians and we used to write and record music for hours, go on trips together and things like that. We have fun just grocery shopping. Yea she hung out with these women. At the time I didnt know she slept with them though. This came out years later.

My wife is SUPER stubborn and stuck in her ways. She lives in the past as well. All she talks about is her college days when she partied and all that. It's like shes stuck at age 21! I'm sure if I said it's either me or your friends, we would be getting a divorce. She sees NO problem hanging out with people she had relations with. She is VERY VERY liberal.

@JCD: I agree. I don't care if she has not told me about every one of them but she doesnt need to be in contact with them at all. It's not cool. I know who I married. But you cant help who you fall in love with. We are talking soul mate, love at first site kind of love. My best friend.

I'm no angel though. I have done some bad things as well. Never EVER cheated on her though. Not in any way. Why would I? My wife is BEAUTIFUL, sexy, smart, funny, and I love spending time with her. But man if I confront her about something she immediately brings up things I did like 3 years ago. So i don't know, maybe this marriage is just over.

 

[Jellybeans]

Your wife has serious boundary issues. And the thing is you married her knowing this.
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[JCD]

Wow guys thanks for the GREAT responses!
She knows how I feel about all this. I've told her about it MANY times. She just shrugs it off with an attitude like I'm silly or crazy for the way I feel about it.
@NextTimeAround: Our courtship was great. We are both musicians and we used to write and record music for hours, go on trips together and things like that. We have fun just grocery shopping. Yea she hung out with these women. At the time I didnt know she slept with them though. This came out years later.

My wife is SUPER stubborn and stuck in her ways. She lives in the past as well. All she talks about is her college days when she partied and all that. It's like shes stuck at age 21! I'm sure if I said it's either me or your friends, we would be getting a divorce. She sees NO problem hanging out with people she had relations with. She is VERY VERY selfish.

@JCD: I agree. I don't care if she has not told me about every one of them but she doesnt need to be in contact with them at all. It's not cool. I know who I married. But you cant help who you fall in love with. We are talking soul mate, love at first site kind of love. My best friend.

I'm no angel though. I have done some bad things as well. Never EVER cheated on her though. Not in any way. Why would I? My wife is BEAUTIFUL, sexy, smart, funny, and I love spending time with her. But man if I confront her about something she immediately brings up things I did like 3 years ago. So i don't know, maybe this marriage is just over.

Here, I fixed that for you. (It's sometimes an easy mistake to make)

She gets what she wants and whatever you feel, need etc is irrelevant.

Think very hard about that statement. If it's accurate, this means serious problems. You are still reasonably young at 40. Now it the time to make some hard decisions WITH HER.

I would give your love at second sight another look.

 

[Lotustar]

Your wife has serious boundary issues. And the thing is you married her knowing this.
Posted via Mobile Device

Boundary issues? Explain further?

 

[Lotustar]

Here, I fixed that for you. (It's sometimes an easy mistake to make)

She gets what she wants and whatever you feel, need etc is irrelevant.

Think very hard about that statement. If it's accurate, this means serious problems. You are still reasonably young at 40. Now it the time to make some hard decisions WITH HER.

I would give your love at second sight another look.

Holy crap. I never thought of it that way. But this is a classic example of the way my wife thinks. She can justify ANY behavior of hers in some way or another. She was NOT like this in the beginning. She's also an actress and man did she sell the roll of innocent and sweet when we met. Over the years I've started to see the real woman. Everyone that meets her just ADORES her and would never imagine she could do some of the things I know she is capable of. She paints ME as the crazy person and because they are under her spell they fall for it completely! If they could only live with her for a couple of years. The longest relationship she had before me was about 6 months. Jeez.

 

[Acabado]

Man. she's not marriage material, you knew it.

She's a master manipulator, a complete gasligter. Screams personality disorder from afar.

My advice is embrace the ride and enjoy while it lasts.
Or quit before she drains your soul.

 

[JCD]

Holy crap. I never thought of it that way. But this is a classic example of the way my wife thinks. She can justify ANY behavior of hers in some way or another. She was NOT like this in the beginning. She's also an actress and man did she sell the roll of innocent and sweet when we met. Over the years I've started to see the real woman. Everyone that meets her just ADORES her and would never imagine she could do some of the things I know she is capable of. She paints ME as the crazy person and because they are under her spell they fall for it completely! If they could only live with her for a couple of years. The longest relationship she had before me was about 6 months. Jeez.

I'm not there so you need to make that judgement yourself.

 

[Lotustar]

Well it looks like its def over. I called her on all her bs and she instantly started on the cursing at me and basically going ballistic. As soon as I find a place to live I will be moving out. Of course she wanted me to leave tonight but I don't know anyone here and all my family is in another state. It was her idea to move here and I do love this city but she knows I have no where to go right this second. In my opinion thats a pretty horrible thing to ask someone to do when they have no where to go.

 

[JCD]

Whoa! Who said 'call her on all her BS'? You address THE issue: how constantly seeing ex lovers male and female is a 'no-go' to you.

Otherwise you run the risk of letting all the resentments flail out and the other person gets defensive.

You, btw, are being a wimp. Why should you go? If she no longer wants you, her opinion is irrelevant to you. If you are paying, you go nowhere until you are ready. Don't engage, don't fight. She's a temperamental ROOMMATE.
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[Thor]

Don't move out of your home until you talk to a divorce lawyer. You are now into the business and legal negotiation phase. Every move has implications on your future financial and legal situation.

So she initiated moving to this city where all of her previous lovers are? Very red flag to me.

 

[tom67]

Don't move out of your home until you talk to a divorce lawyer. You are now into the business and legal negotiation phase. Every move has implications on your future financial and legal situation.

So she initiated moving to this city where all of her previous lovers are? Very red flag to me.

Have her move out if she wants!