Have you told your wife how you feel?
Have you told your wife how you feel?
There is not AFAIK any infidelity. But there is a total lack of class and it IS worrying. The alcoholic keeps inviting her favorite Brandy licker over.:iagree:
I like JCD's response. I would also add the following. She is being disrespectful by not fully disclosing the names of every person she has had a sexual relationship (of any kind) with. It is dishonest and disloyal not to tell you. It is also incredibly dishonorable and insulting to put you in the position of socially interacting with people you do not know she has had sex with.
Perhaps she doesn't see it as hurtful to you. You may have to calmly explain to her the betrayal you feel when one of these situations crops up. Also how it sends the message that these other people are more important to her than your marriage is.
I think I would make it a divorce level boundary that she fully disclose all names. Perhaps not specifically say the word divorce, but tell her this is "serious" or "a line in the sand for me". She must sit down with you and give you a solid accounting with names and timelines.
There is a Catch-22 with a nuclear consequence. If you tell her D is the result of finding out more names, she will never ever tell you in the future if she left any names out. On the other hand she needs to be scared to her core that this is a very serious issue for you, and her behavior has to change.
I'll be honest, most everybody would require No Contact with former lovers. Certainly no direct socializing. If she's been with most of the people in her social circle, she may have to give up that group entirely.
:iagree::iagree::iagree:Sounds like your values don't match up, and you guys desperately need counselling.
Also don't be afraid to have boundaries and stick to them. Maybe come up with boundaries together that you stick with that help you affair proof your marriage.
And lastly she needs to stop being dishonest.
Here, I fixed that for you. (It's sometimes an easy mistake to make)Wow guys thanks for the GREAT responses!
She knows how I feel about all this. I've told her about it MANY times. She just shrugs it off with an attitude like I'm silly or crazy for the way I feel about it.
@NextTimeAround: Our courtship was great. We are both musicians and we used to write and record music for hours, go on trips together and things like that. We have fun just grocery shopping. Yea she hung out with these women. At the time I didnt know she slept with them though. This came out years later.
My wife is SUPER stubborn and stuck in her ways. She lives in the past as well. All she talks about is her college days when she partied and all that. It's like shes stuck at age 21! I'm sure if I said it's either me or your friends, we would be getting a divorce. She sees NO problem hanging out with people she had relations with. She is VERY VERY selfish.
@JCD: I agree. I don't care if she has not told me about every one of them but she doesnt need to be in contact with them at all. It's not cool. I know who I married. But you cant help who you fall in love with. We are talking soul mate, love at first site kind of love. My best friend.
I'm no angel though. I have done some bad things as well. Never EVER cheated on her though. Not in any way. Why would I? My wife is BEAUTIFUL, sexy, smart, funny, and I love spending time with her. But man if I confront her about something she immediately brings up things I did like 3 years ago. So i don't know, maybe this marriage is just over.
Boundary issues? Explain further?Your wife has serious boundary issues. And the thing is you married her knowing this.
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Holy crap. I never thought of it that way. But this is a classic example of the way my wife thinks. She can justify ANY behavior of hers in some way or another. She was NOT like this in the beginning. She's also an actress and man did she sell the roll of innocent and sweet when we met. Over the years I've started to see the real woman. Everyone that meets her just ADORES her and would never imagine she could do some of the things I know she is capable of. She paints ME as the crazy person and because they are under her spell they fall for it completely! If they could only live with her for a couple of years. The longest relationship she had before me was about 6 months. Jeez.Here, I fixed that for you. (It's sometimes an easy mistake to make)
She gets what she wants and whatever you feel, need etc is irrelevant.
Think very hard about that statement. If it's accurate, this means serious problems. You are still reasonably young at 40. Now it the time to make some hard decisions WITH HER.
I would give your love at second sight another look.
I'm not there so you need to make that judgement yourself.Holy crap. I never thought of it that way. But this is a classic example of the way my wife thinks. She can justify ANY behavior of hers in some way or another. She was NOT like this in the beginning. She's also an actress and man did she sell the roll of innocent and sweet when we met. Over the years I've started to see the real woman. Everyone that meets her just ADORES her and would never imagine she could do some of the things I know she is capable of. She paints ME as the crazy person and because they are under her spell they fall for it completely! If they could only live with her for a couple of years. The longest relationship she had before me was about 6 months. Jeez.
Have her move out if she wants!Don't move out of your home until you talk to a divorce lawyer. You are now into the business and legal negotiation phase. Every move has implications on your future financial and legal situation.
So she initiated moving to this city where all of her previous lovers are? Very red flag to me.