Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 49 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
168 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Check out my other posts for the whole story...

It's been two days now since I exposed to WW's family and OM's family. I stated that she's not to contact me until she's done with the OM unless it's a financial issue. I've received five or six texts from WW since then, first angry, then practical (remember the Cat's vet appointment etc.) and about two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option." For reference, here's the conditions:

1. Cease all contact with OM.
2. Attend marriage counseling.
3. Understand when I check phone records and emails.
4. Agree to answer questions about the affair. I will only ask about the affair at designated times, twice per week for thirty minutes, so you don't feel bombarded with questions. After one month I'll only ask once per week. In time I won't need to ask anymore.
5. Say unique prayers every night. Attend church every Sunday. Discuss our marriage every Sunday night for twenty minutes.
6. Keep Thursdays open for date day, and have mini-dates every Sunday after church.
7. Start our video business together. Make at least one creative project together every month.

Now, some of these things I'm willing to negotiate on (no negotiation on number one though). My question to you guys is: having already instated no contact with WW, should I meet to talk about these requirements? Should I be willing to negotiate on any of these things (again, number one stays)? What are your personal exceptions to no contact with a wayward spouse?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
932 Posts
They should all be enforced.
Because the second you stop enforcing any one or negotiate any of them, is the second she thinks they can all be negotiated and bargained upon.

And you should change #4 to "I will ask you about the affair a bunch. Because I will be having mind movies and nightmares everynight. So the least you can do is answer my questions. If at any point you don't like it, you can get out of answering a question by leaving the house."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
982 Posts
No. See shes saying "Coming back isn't really an option" No it is, she just doesn't want to and is most likely protecting her pride.

Negotiations only happen after the terms are accepted, not before.

If you break NC, it should be to tell her then I have nothing to talk about with you.

What shes doing is very common for waywards. They try to find small grounds and cracks in the ultimatum to weasel into. She may be saying its just this one thing today, but tomorrow it will be another, and another, until shes saying 'we really can just be friends' about OM.

Put an end to this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
932 Posts
If you are curious:

My mom and dad are getting divorced.
Dad cheated. Got caught.
Mom offered to R.
He cheated again.

She is NC with him, even though they are living in the SAME HOUSE. And I have not seen ANY exceptions. NONE! ZERO.
Now...there could be some, but I doubt it. Stubborn woman.

Also, if your wife doesn't like those conditions......
Maybe....and you may not want to hear this:
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT THE EFFORT INTO REAL RECONCILIATION!

She just wants you to rugsweep.
After an affair, your conditions should be to build a stronger marriage so this never happens again.
If she doesn't like the idea of building a stronger marriage, tell her to enjoy the OM.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
190 Posts
Stay dark!

I assume she is still living with the other man.

Does she want to save the marriage or does she want to divorce? A few weeks ago she wanted to divorce.


Statistics show relationships built from affairs have less than a 3% chance of surviving. Most self destruct in about 6 months.
That's because the newness wears off, the endorphins and dopamines level out.

Wait this out. In the past you have jumped at the chance to rescue her.
If you must, let her know you love her but you can not allow her to hurt you anymore.

When she's serious she will accept your demands (no matter how undesirable)

Good luck,
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
48,109 Posts
You are not going to be able to live by this one:
. Agree to answer questions about the affair. I will only ask about the affair at designated times, twice per week for thirty minutes, so you don't feel bombarded with questions. After one month I'll only ask once per week. In time I won't need to ask anymore.


The questions will be constant for some time. And she has to answer them. That's part of the penalty for what she did.

Why does she have to answer them? Because in order for you to feel on the same playing field as she, you need to know what she knows. Otherwise she is carrying around great secrets. Asking/answering the questions, as hurtful as it will be, will actually draw the two of you closer and build emotional intimacy. Having been through it, it’s odd but that’s how it works.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
412 Posts
She finds the marriage isn't worth putting work into and to regain your trust. She cheated and wants to have her way for what she considers reconciliation. Dont compromise your basic needs to regain trust. She thinks your not worth it then let her go because she is not worth it. Let her find someone else to [email protected]#k over. Actually she already has and is to lazy and selfish to deal with the consequences.
Posted via Mobil
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,723 Posts
Thats as thin a list as I coud make (business things aside).
If she could not live with them I would assume she did not really want to live with me.

Keep your fences mended, you put them up for a reason!

Take care!
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
877 Posts
Stay dark no conditions are being met. Also number four should be you'll ask as much s you need to and she will fully answer. Shehas not agreed to anything so no contact.

Forget about date night and making movies right now. You will have your hands full getting post number four
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
Check out my other posts for the whole story...

It's been two days now since I exposed to WW's family and OM's family. I stated that she's not to contact me until she's done with the OM unless it's a financial issue. I've received five or six texts from WW since then, first angry, then practical (remember the Cat's vet appointment etc.) and about two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option." For reference, here's the conditions:

1. Cease all contact with OM.
2. Attend marriage counseling.
3. Understand when I check phone records and emails.
4. Agree to answer questions about the affair. I will only ask about the affair at designated times, twice per week for thirty minutes, so you don't feel bombarded with questions. After one month I'll only ask once per week. In time I won't need to ask anymore.
5. Say unique prayers every night. Attend church every Sunday. Discuss our marriage every Sunday night for twenty minutes.
6. Keep Thursdays open for date day, and have mini-dates every Sunday after church.
7. Start our video business together. Make at least one creative project together every month.

Now, some of these things I'm willing to negotiate on (no negotiation on number one though). My question to you guys is: having already instated no contact with WW, should I meet to talk about these requirements? Should I be willing to negotiate on any of these things (again, number one stays)? What are your personal exceptions to no contact with a wayward spouse?
Posted via Mobile Device
You can talk about getting back together. But you don't seem like you are strong enough to stand up for yourself very well. When you talk to her, be firm.

Numbers 1 through 4 are not negotiable. As a matter of fact, number 4 is not strong enough. You likely will need more time than that for questions unless she tells you the whole truth up front. Unfortunately, practically no cheater is able to do this, so you have to expect to squeeze out the truth over some time. I think you should add in that you may require a polygraph if her "truth" doesn't make sense or seem believable to you.

I also would add a number 5, that she get tested for STDs.

Your number 5 is OK. I would be willing to drop the say unique prayers every night. Number 6 is OK. I would be willing to drop number 7 completely.

I really can't imagine what she would find so impossible about your conditions. Aside from the church and prayers and business project, they are pretty normal stuff that any betrayed spouse might expect. Going to church once a week, saying prayers every night likely would not be deal-breakers if she shares your beliefs.

I'm guessing that her objection would be with you checking email. She probably believes she needs "privacy" in her marriage in case she wants to cheat. Maybe she also believes she should be able to remain in contact with other man "as friends only."

It's OK to hear what her objections are, but don't waver on what you require. None of it is unreasonable, though like I said I personally wouldn't care about dropping number 7 completely and the nightly unique prayers from number 5.

If you do talk to her about it, don't negotiate. Don't argue. Don't cry, plead, or beg. Stay calm. Stay on topic and explain your position, why you wouldn't feel comfortable reconciling unless those conditons were met. Do this as indifferently as possible. Tell her you don't trust her, these conditions are to help you build back your trust, you can't be in a marriage where you're constantly wondering if she's cheating on you, you love her but you'd rather end the marriage than stay married with her not being an open book to you, sharing everything with you. Tell her you may greatly reduce or stop checking on her at some point when you feel comfortable, but you will never feel comfortable with any contact with other man ever again.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
Personally, I would drop seven. It has nothing to do with any of the others and she might have valid reasons why that is a no go. It sort of sounds like you are trying to force her to do things you really want her to do which she didn't want to do which are not intrinsic to making a stronger marriage.

Yes, you can rationalize it by saying 'oh...we'll be together every day. It will open up communications. Blah blah blah.'

I don't read it that way. Now you CAN insist she quit her job if she met the POS there, but FORCING her to potentially gut family finances for what MAY be a pipe dream just because she failed in one area?

No. Doesn't work for me.

Everything else is sort of rational. The Church thing sounds a bit...forced. Special prayers? If she's an atheist or not religious, this is a real PITA for her and a bit of a poison pill, but not enough for a ref like myself to call foul. If she could spend an hour or two a week boinking the OM, she can spend an hour a week with you in church. She can bring Suduko if she wants. And give her SOME say in which church.

So my text would be:

"On further consideration, I realize that the video business is seperate from our reconciliation. So that and ONLY that is withdrawn from the list of demands. I will not discuss the other six items as I am being as reasonable as I can be in my own mind. If you find them too odious, you will find 3 billion men in this world who won't require those conditions. Try Saudi Arabia."
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
Your number 5 is OK. I would be willing to drop the say unique prayers every night.
.
.

I really can't imagine what she would find so impossible about your conditions. Aside from the church and prayers and business project, they are pretty normal stuff that any betrayed spouse might expect. Going to church once a week, saying prayers every night likely would not be deal-breakers if she shares your beliefs.
Yeah. When I read that 'unique prayer thing, my drug addled imagination started up with samples:

"Oh Lord. Please forgive this Wh0re her cheating wicked ways. And do not inflict the boils upon her face which she so roundly deserves that you do not punish her innocent husband. Instead. cause her vagina to dry up and seal shut if she is ever so iniquitous to spread her slvtty legs for another man who is not her husband...and then give her boils. Amen."

I personally wouldn't be up for nightly fare like that either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,686 Posts
5. Say unique prayers every night. Attend church every Sunday. Discuss our marriage every Sunday night for twenty minutes.
6. Keep Thursdays open for date day, and have mini-dates every Sunday after church.
7. Start our video business together. Make at least one creative project together every month.
:scratchhead:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
62 Posts
Check out my other posts for the whole story...

It's been two days now since I exposed to WW's family and OM's family. I stated that she's not to contact me until she's done with the OM unless it's a financial issue. I've received five or six texts from WW since then, first angry, then practical (remember the Cat's vet appointment etc.) and about two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option." For reference, here's the conditions:

1. Cease all contact with OM.
2. Attend marriage counseling.
3. Understand when I check phone records and emails.
4. Agree to answer questions about the affair. I will only ask about the affair at designated times, twice per week for thirty minutes, so you don't feel bombarded with questions. After one month I'll only ask once per week. In time I won't need to ask anymore.
5. Say unique prayers every night. Attend church every Sunday. Discuss our marriage every Sunday night for twenty minutes.
6. Keep Thursdays open for date day, and have mini-dates every Sunday after church.
7. Start our video business together. Make at least one creative project together every month.

Now, some of these things I'm willing to negotiate on (no negotiation on number one though). My question to you guys is: having already instated no contact with WW, should I meet to talk about these requirements? Should I be willing to negotiate on any of these things (again, number one stays)? What are your personal exceptions to no contact with a wayward spouse?
Posted via Mobile Device
First of all you should not have an open window for WW to come back whenever she feels that she is done with OM which may never happen. You need to contact her and let her know that she need to break off communication with OM as of immediately and to sit down together and come clean on everything that happened or risk loosing you forever. If she really cares about this marriage she will do it. If she does, trust me she will not tell you everything and you should not trust everything she tells you.

If you truly feel that you want this marriage to work after sitting together and talking about it then make sure to do all you can to monitor what she is doing without letting her know because there is a very good chance she still might keep in touch with OM and just not let you know. Also she should know that it would take time for her to gain your trust again. If she feels that its not worth it for her then it is definately not worth it for you too. She should be the one doing everything she can to save this marriage.

I have been through this and the wife gave into all my demands but only after many lies because of the fact that I went easy the first time and those extra lies only made my distrust worse and now since she seen that she is realy at the end of the line she completely changed but it is harder for me to forget because of the toll the extra lies have added to my faith to trust again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
987 Posts
Check out my other posts for the whole story...

It's been two days now since I exposed to WW's family and OM's family. I stated that she's not to contact me until she's done with the OM unless it's a financial issue. I've received five or six texts from WW since then, first angry, then practical (remember the Cat's vet appointment etc.) and about two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option." For reference, here's the conditions:

1. Cease all contact with OM.
2. Attend marriage counseling.
3. Understand when I check phone records and emails.
4. Agree to answer questions about the affair. I will only ask about the affair at designated times, twice per week for thirty minutes, so you don't feel bombarded with questions. After one month I'll only ask once per week. In time I won't need to ask anymore.
5. Say unique prayers every night. Attend church every Sunday. Discuss our marriage every Sunday night for twenty minutes.
6. Keep Thursdays open for date day, and have mini-dates every Sunday after church.
7. Start our video business together. Make at least one creative project together every month.

Now, some of these things I'm willing to negotiate on (no negotiation on number one though). My question to you guys is: having already instated no contact with WW, should I meet to talk about these requirements? Should I be willing to negotiate on any of these things (again, number one stays)? What are your personal exceptions to no contact with a wayward spouse?
Posted via Mobile Device
How much self respect one have to loose to be with a cheater?

Put half of this effort in finding out a good healthy girl who loves and care for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
987 Posts
Check out my other posts for the whole story...

It's been two days now since I exposed to WW's family and OM's family. I stated that she's not to contact me until she's done with the OM unless it's a financial issue. I've received five or six texts from WW since then, first angry, then practical (remember the Cat's vet appointment etc.) and about two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option." For reference, here's the conditions:

1. Cease all contact with OM.
2. Attend marriage counseling.
3. Understand when I check phone records and emails.
4. Agree to answer questions about the affair. I will only ask about the affair at designated times, twice per week for thirty minutes, so you don't feel bombarded with questions. After one month I'll only ask once per week. In time I won't need to ask anymore.
5. Say unique prayers every night. Attend church every Sunday. Discuss our marriage every Sunday night for twenty minutes.
6. Keep Thursdays open for date day, and have mini-dates every Sunday after church.
7. Start our video business together. Make at least one creative project together every month.

Now, some of these things I'm willing to negotiate on (no negotiation on number one though). My question to you guys is: having already instated no contact with WW, should I meet to talk about these requirements? Should I be willing to negotiate on any of these things (again, number one stays)? What are your personal exceptions to no contact with a wayward spouse?
Posted via Mobile Device
If you drop 1,3 and 4 she may agree to come back.

Do you need her back after dropping any of these demands?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,558 Posts
Has anyone bothered to read the first thread ??
kallan Pav, you said it right.
He should be using this effort to move ahead with his life.
She comes and goes when the mood hits her.
So any advice on holding her accountable is useless.
So is any to him how to get her back.

I honestly can't be a part in enabling him in this unhealthy relationship which seem a hard case of codepend/obsession.

For some reason, his posts just speaks unhealthy. I'm out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,112 Posts
two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option."
Since none of your conditions are unreasonable, her saying that they are too "undesirable" to come back shows that she has no remorse and does not want back accept under cake eater conditions. She has moved on already. Time for you to do the same.
 
1 - 20 of 49 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top