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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband of 20 years had several emotional affairs, and the latest a full blown emotional and physical affair. He says he doesnt want a divorce, cause he sees the good in me, but there is no chemistry and he doesnt want to work on the marriage... at least not right now. He wants to date. He has left us once to be with AP, but came home after 8 months. His reason then was the AP was an alcoholic and seems a selfish mom who has let her kid get into drugs. So, all the while he was back, he acted like he really wanted to make marriage work, but at the same time, still lying and keeping in contact with the AP. He says he is not going to stop contacting her, still want to continue relationship as the AP promise she'll do anything to help herself so that my husband and her can be together forever. His parents know about this, one set won't take sides, and my husband doesnt care what the other set of parents think. I know he has talked to friends and his siblings, and I don't know what they tell him, but he is still in contact with the AP. I have asked him to move out! So, exposing the affair to friends and family won't work. We have a mutual friend who also is a closer friend of the AP. What do you think of exposing the affair to her to ask for her help in talking with the AP?
 

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Yes expose the affair not only to the friend but also expose this A to OW family.

When exposing let everyone know your husband is in an affair with OW and you are looking for support in the marriage. Inform them that your heading for a divorce if your H continues to see OW.

I would blow this out of the water and tell everyone what is really going on and that a family is being torn apart by this adultory.
 

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hi ChinaGirl

Your husband is treating you beneath contempt. You should no longer accept this.
The method you have been using to end his affairs and contempt have not worked. You tried to "love him anyway" and show him that you are the better person. This method of ending affairs is not supported very much here. Not because everybody wants you to Divorce, but because the best chance you have for saving your marriage or move on with your life is to follow the harsh and uncompromising advice offered here.

In your case you need to act and act now for your own sanity. You have become used to living in the hell of limbo and this must stop. You must decide that you are worth more than what this man is offering you.

I am so sorry for your pain. Many of us have been, to a greater or lesser, extent to the same place.

He lived with her for 8 months
He asked to come back
You let him and then he lied to you about ending the affair.
He them blatantly told you that he would continue it.

It is past exposure it is time for consequences!

You have asked him to move out. Good!

Pack his bags for him. Tell him to get out.
No deals. Nothing. Just go and be with his Girlfriend.

Split any money you have into separate accounts if you haven't already

What is the result you want? Hint..

To be a happy and healthy person is a good start, for you.
Do you have children?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Yes we have a 12 year old. H. is moving out first of the year - did not want to spoil our son's Christmas. He is going to find an apartment in the same complex as we currently are residing in, so that it is easier for our son to go to after school. We do have separate bank accounts, and a joint credit card, and he has agreed that we handle finances same as we currently are. I have sought legal counsel, but not filed for legal separation or divorce yet... that is a hard step for me to take right now because I know he will agree to the divorce.
 

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^ His Christmas is bollocked either way to be honest, whether its before or after it doesn't really matter and is more of an excuse to put it off.

File divorce. Why would you want to live with a man who clearly doesn't give a sh!t about you?

For 8 months he was living with OW.

He says OW was basically a slob and a bad parent

Pray tell, where do you think he would be if OW was mother of the year and sober?

It doesn't even need to be said.

You are his plan B, OW didn't work so he'll settle for you until someone else comes along.
 

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Yes we have a 12 year old. H. is moving out first of the year - did not want to spoil our son's Christmas. He is going to find an apartment in the same complex as we currently are residing in, so that it is easier for our son to go to after school. We do have separate bank accounts, and a joint credit card, and he has agreed that we handle finances same as we currently are. I have sought legal counsel, but not filed for legal separation or divorce yet... that is a hard step for me to take right now because I know he will agree to the divorce.


Cancel the joint credit card.
Do not let him handle the finances. This is giving him power over you and this has to end.

This man is not only cheating on you he is cheating on your son. He is depriving him of the security of family and financial security. Your son is all too aware of what is going on.

Your job now is to be the best Mom you can be independent of this man who is treating you both with contempt.

Just the idea of this should make you angry. GET ANGRY!!
 

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Yes we have a 12 year old. H. is moving out first of the year - did not want to spoil our son's Christmas. He is going to find an apartment in the same complex as we currently are residing in, so that it is easier for our son to go to after school. We do have separate bank accounts, and a joint credit card, and he has agreed that we handle finances same as we currently are. I have sought legal counsel, but not filed for legal separation or divorce yet... that is a hard step for me to take right now because I know he will agree to the divorce.
I’m not sure you are looking at this the right way. Right now your husband thinks that he’s in control. You are his fallback, his plan B. He thinks that he has you right where he wants you. Now he has her and he has you. Once he is in his own place he can come and go from both of your homes and have no obligation to either of you. He’ll love it.

Your filing for divorce will show him that he is not in control of your life and your decisions. If he wants to be with you, he has to treat you right. File for divorce. Have the attorney set up child support and spousal support (if you earn less than he). You need to make it as painful for your husband as possible.
Have him served very soon… just make sure it’s BEFORE he moves out.
If you want to hang on for some hope that the divorce shocks him into seeing the light, then you can delay the actual divorce for some time by having your attorney file continuances, etc.

Remember that a divorce can be stopped any time before the judge signs it and there is also remarriage after divorce… if he comes to his senses. In some states divorces take months to years. In California right now it’s taking 1-2 years after a settlement is agreed upon due to the state’s budget issues.

You are letting him get away with all of this. He thinks that you will put up with anything he does, you really have so far. Why should he think anything different?
 

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Yep get angry.


Is your husband handling the finances and you plan to let him continue handling them after he moves out? Is that right? Please clarify.

Another reason for divorce is that any debt he makes becomes your debt. A lot of times when people do what he is doing they run up a lot of debt knowing that their unsuspecting spouse will have to pay half of it off. So if you file for divorce, any debt he makes after filing are his debt alone. it protects you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
He is not handling the finances. Finances are shared with him paying a lot more, e.g. house tax (house we are trying to sell), auto insurance, rent, groceries etc. We live in a rental right now, and have a house we are trying to sell in another city. I am and continuing to pay the monthly mortgage and utilities for that house until it sells. H. Says he will continue to pay for rental and all pertaining to rental. Reason for joint credit card is so I can use it for groceries and any other expenses for our son.
Elegirl... what is the reason to file BEFORE he moves out?
Thank you all for your replies... all very helpful.
 

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I am so tempted to let our mutual friend know that her friend is having an affair with my H. But what will that accomplish? Probably just exposing her and being vindictive! Ugh!
Then you're their accomplice. You want to keep it the affair quiet by keeping quiet then you help them along the way.

Also, nothing good has ever come of not exposing by the way.
 

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Elegirl... what is the reason to file BEFORE he moves out?
Thank you all for your replies... all very helpful.
The way it stands right now he is rejecting you. Once he moves out his rejection of you is so complete. Nothing you do can have all that much effect on him. He’s in complete control.

Remember he is cake eating.. meaning that he has both you and her. He’s a happy boy.

So by filing for divorce before he moves out YOU are giving him notice that YOU will not play his game. If he walks out that door to move out he is losing YOU. You are the one throwing him out… not him moving out and leaving you alone.

If there is a hair’s chance of you getting him back and recovering a good marriage, you need to prove to him that you will not put up with his nonsense.

This affair he’s having. IT’s not going to last. Only about 3% of affairs last very long after they two affair partners are free of their spouses. By filing for divorce you are putting more pressure on his affair and making it harder. If he has to pay you spousal support and children support…. They are both going to be unhappy…. It’s a stressor that will go further to beak them up.
 

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Right now there are no consequences for the OW to continue to pursue your husband.

Try exposing her to her friends and family, also post her on cheaterville.com, and when you file, see if you can name her in the filing.
 
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