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People say you shouldn’t have expectations in a relationship. Why not? Shouldn’t you know what you want and expect to get it?
 

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People say you shouldn’t have expectations in a relationship.
What people? Has someone told you that you shouldn't have expectations? If so, they're wrong.
 

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I think what they mean is that we can’t have expectations... unless things were discussed before hand. Because two people could be thinking and expecting totally different things and they will never be happy.

Expectations ruins relationships.
 

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Expectations, some good, some Great, in the end, only produced uneaten and stale wedding cake.
 
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So, I read a post yesterday from a guy telling us that his wife makes fun of him to her friends. If that's not bad enough, she does it in front of him. Well, if that's not bad enough, she and her friends laugh at him right to his face.

Without standards, boundaries, and expectations, a person will settle for anything and tolerate everything.

That thread was generally considered to be posted by someone playing a game on the internet. But I've seen enough and also read plenty - way too many - here on this board to know it really didn't matter if that one thread was sincere or not. There are lots of people who don't have expectations of those they date and marry and allow themselves to be treated very poorly.

If you don't have confidence in your own standards, boundaries, and expectations, you will listen to people telling you "you shouldn’t have expectations in a relationship" or or people making you think that YOUR expectations need to be "negotiated" and approved by your partner. That is nothing but nonsense. Stop listening to everything that people say and allowing them to make you question your own integrity.
 

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Expectations, some good, some Great, in the end, only produced uneaten and stale wedding cake.
So do you identify with Miss Havisham?
Or Abel Magwitch, doomed to live his life away from everyone he loves.
Personally I would love to have known Estella. Just as friends doncha know.
 
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When I got married I had expectations of us splitting chores 50-50. Of him taking the garbage out, of him being an active leader and head of the house.
He had very different expectations and it didn’t end well.
So sorry, Girl_power, all of that meant your expectations were unrealistic to have them of him. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have had any expectations nor that they had to be agreed or approved by him. What it does mean is he couldn't live up to your expectations. If you didn't have any expectations, you never would have recognized that he wasn't the guy for you. Expectations are what assist people in choosing. Maybe you chose unwisely by not recognizing his true character sooner. Did he not maintain his home before you and he lived together? If not, then your expectation that he help you maintain the home you and he shared were not realistic. Or, maybe he lived with his parents, and you didn't have prior opportunity to find out.

But what of a person expecting their spouse won't treat them badly. Is that expected to be agreed upon too? It's just silly. No, you have expectations and expect the person fits the bill by observing their character and being scrupulous. If they show you they are not the kind of person you want to be with, then you move on. If you missed it or ignored the red flags, then that's on you for ignoring your own expectations, which essentially means you didn't really have any in the first place, or that they were unrealistic because they applied to the wrong person without being substantiated.
 

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Expectations will save you from being used. When I was dating that guy between marriages, he talked up marrying me. And since my sister took his phone calls, my whole family, just knew that he was definitely marriage track. in his preparation to move to the UK, he tried it on: ie "Can I live you? I'll pay you something towards the rent and then you can make a lot of money."

that attempted maneuver just blew up everything. He wants to marry me but he wants to squeeze in my tiny 2Br before even proposing? He thinks making money off of, my alleged future spouse, is a good idea?

All I could see was a lazy guy who didn't have plans with me for the LT. Get your own place then.
 

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When I got married I had expectations of us splitting chores 50-50. Of him taking the garbage out, of him being an active leader and head of the house.
He had very different expectations and it didn’t end well.
Have you described your relationship else where on this board? I would be interested in reading it.
 

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One thing...

One thing about expectations, they are always yours, and yours alone.

Yes, another may have similar or the same expectations, but yours may 'not' be at the right place, or connected to the right face.

Love is lead by a rosy sight, by lonely fright, at last, by that insight.
 

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First off there are differences between boundaries and expectations. Boundaries are setting up what we can and can’t live with. It has to do with us, and what we will tolerate. Expectations have to do with the other person. And changing the other person. As we all know we can not change anyone but ourselves.


I have always said... my partners can do whatever they want but there are consequences for their actions.
 

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So do you identify with Miss Havisham?
Or Abel Magwitch, doomed to live his life away from everyone he loves.
Personally I would love to have known Estella. Just as friends doncha know.
Me, none of the above.

At that point in time, I would have taken to the seas and found my fortune, or doom, somewhere far from old Europe.
 

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Me, none of the above.

At that point in time, I would have taken to the seas and found my fortune, or doom, somewhere far from old Europe.
If you’ve read the book you will know that Magwitch was sent to Australia as punishment for his crimes.
“Transportation” it was known as and over one hundred and sixty thousand people were sent to Australia.
What’s not so well known is at the same time over fifty thousand convicts were transported to colonial USA.
 
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If you’ve read the book you will know that Magwitch was sent to Australia as punishment for his crimes.
“Transportation” it was known as and over one hundred and sixty thousand people were sent to Australia.
What’s not so well known is at the same time over fifty thousand convicts were transported to colonial USA.
Yes, I heard that.
And those convicts that were sent to America founded the Democrat Party.
 

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People say you shouldn’t have expectations in a relationship. Why not? Shouldn’t you know what you want and expect to get it?
There are some universal expectations. I would think one would have an expectation of safety: not being abused, raped, assaulted, publicly humiliated, catching a STD, exploited, being stolen from financially, tricked into being a baby-daddy, used for a green card, blackmailed, being given a false representation of their past/intentions, full disclosure of dealbreakers (e.g. their married already).

You should have reasonable expectations: reciprocal meeting of needs, open communication, exclusivity/fidelity, common interests, a series of give-and-takes, some privacy, ability to set healthy boundaries, there will be some amount of emotional baggage from family of origin or previous relationships.

Don’t have unreasonable expectations: sex 10x a week, wanting to get married after 2 weeks, entitlement to their standard of living (if you are broke and they aren’t), monopolization of their time, no fighting, they will want what you want, never having a fight, them waiting on you hand and foot, overplaying your hand in what you think you offer to the relationship.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 

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People say you shouldn’t have expectations in a relationship. Why not? Shouldn’t you know what you want and expect to get it?
who are you talking to? in my earlier days, I wore my heart on my sleeve. I think a few people took advantage of that, telling me things that even they didn't believe just to bait me.

When you have heart to heart talks with other people, don't reveal your position so soon.
 
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