[filo123]

My wife and I had a good conversation yestday about each others expectations as a lot of ours were not being met and it was becoming stressful for both of us.

We've been married for 3 years, we are both 26 now. I work a Mon-Fri 8-5 office job. She works 3-4 days / week at a dental office 8-3ish

My expectations of her:

• Clean House
• Cook Dinner (Most of the time)
• Prepare Lunch for Work, usually leftovers (Most of the time)
• Go out with me to activitites I enjoy (as I do with her)
• Have alone time without the dogs in the house a couple times a month
• Surprise me with something on occasion (i.e. hey honey I brought you your favorite cookies, etc.) She has purchased more things for the dogs than for me.
• Stick to our Financial Budget

Her expectations of me:

• Take care of our Yard (we live in the country)
• take trash out
• Help with indoor household chores
• cook once in a while
• be more detail oriented (flowers, chocolates, little stuff)

What are your expectations of each other?

 

[Airbus]

Lots of banging. And what you said above.

 

[EleGirl]

There is a very good book that could help the two of you do more of this work. See the link in my signature block below... "His Needs, Her Need". I suggest that the two of you read it and then do the exercises in it. We read iti to each other taking turns reading a chapter at a time and discussing it.

Your list is a good start. Now what you need to do is to find out what each of those means. For example "help with indoor chores" is very unclear.. what chores, when....

How many hours a week does it take to do the yard work? How many hours does it take to do the indoor chores? I just wonder because she expects help with indoor chores.. but does she help with outdoor chores?

 

[Hope1964]

- sex, at least a couple times a week, and fulfilling for both of us
- tell me when things bother him
- listen when things bother me
- work with me to get past any issues/problems
- work together to do the mundane day to day things - we don't 'assign' chores
- not make any life altering decisions without consultation first
- not cheat on me (by our unique definition of cheating)
- we should be each others main source of 'fun' - holidays together, social events, walks, exercising together, etc.
- contribute financially
- be affectionate - kiss bye in the morning, hold hands, tell each other we love each other, use the 5 Love Languages

 

[Coffee Amore]

We split the cooking, laundry and cleaning depending on who has more time and is inclined to do it. No one person does all the cooking or cleaning.

I do more of the grocery shopping, but he will notice when some essential item is low and he'll get that on the way home from work.

I'm more hands on with doctors appointments, school stuff, talking to teachers, picking up/dropping off to extracurricular activities, but he does more than the average dad that I know.

I also remember to send people cards for special occasions, buy gifts for Christmas, chat/stay in touch with relatives. He's perfectly happy to let me do that.

The only thing that he pretty much takes on exclusively for himself is car care. I'm a total girl when it comes to cars. He's the one deals with the mechanics, check the oil, changes tires, etc.

I expect both of us
-to remain loyal to each other
-not bad mouth each other to outsiders
-be each other's best friend
-be physically affectionate to each other
-remain physically fit (not model thin but normal weight for our height)
-provide each other with a satisfactory (quality and frequency)intimate life
-stick to the budget we've agreed
-parent the way we've agreed to parent
-not make any big life altering decisions without discussing it first

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

We don't have expectations of each other. We just do what needs to get done. If something doesn't get done, we are not going to get upset with each other and hold resentments. We both work as hard as we possibly can with maintaing a structured lifestyle. Before I became disabled with my neck injury I was able to do a lot more like mowing the yard, cleaning the garage, shoveling the driveway, ect... Now I no longer am able to do those tasks. I'm now restricted to housework, ironing, raising the children, cooking, paying bills, taking care of the animals and my hobbies. My husband works, does the yard work, 100% of the shopping, sometimes he helps with supper dishes, and he exercises every night . We also work hard at meeting each others needs.

This works well with us.

 

[Desperate_Housewife]

I try not to place any expectations on the Mister and visa versa. It just sets each other up for disappointment, imo. After nearly 2 decades we've fallen into a routine. We're familiar with each other's strengths and weaknesses. When ones falls behind, the other shows their support and picks up the slack.

As a newlywed, I can see how a list of expectations could help, though.

 

[Hope1964]

You guys don't expect sex, love, money, anything ???

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

No, but we have a very healthy intimate life and are very afficonate towards each other holding hands every night. We work hard meeting each others needs without expectations. We take out time every night for each other without any interruption. I do not expect money either. My husband works very hard to provide for us on his own. We are very good with self discipline.

 

[Coffee Amore]

You guys don't expect sex, love, money, anything ???

:iagree:

Don't people have expectations when they get married? Don't most of us expect at least fidelity, emotional support and companionship? I expect that when I slipped that ring on my husband's finger, he would remain faithful to me. That's one expectation and a big one at that.

 

[Hope1964]

No, but we have a very healthy intimate life and are very afficonate towards each other holding hands every night. We work hard meeting each others needs without expectations. We take out time every night for each other without any interruption. I do not expect money either. My husband works very hard to provide for us on his own. We are very good with self discipline.

So you would be OK with him just not having sex with you suddenly. Or quitting his job unexpectedly. Or cheating.

 

[Ostera]

Hope,, when you 'expect' (beyond loyalty,etc) you set yourself up for disappointmend when your partner doesn't meet that expectation.


I know this only works in theory unless you actually met the PERFECT person, but one should enter a relationship on what they 'expect' to give, not receive.

 

[EleGirl]

Hope,, when you 'expect' (beyond loyalty,etc) you set yourself up for disappointmend when your partner doesn't meet that expectation.


I know this only works in theory unless you actually met the PERFECT person, but one should enter a relationship on what they 'expect' to give, not receive.

This is a nice sentiment. However in real life it does not work that way.

People need to have a certain amount of expections expressed as boundaries or they can end up walked all over and abused. There is a threshold of expectations that must exist for the marriage to continue.

If they are there then you can have to giving attitude.

 

[Hope1964]

Hope,, when you 'expect' (beyond loyalty,etc) you set yourself up for disappointmend when your partner doesn't meet that expectation.

I see. So when my husband cheated on me, I should have been OK with it because I had unrealistic expectations of fidelity?!?! If he suddenly quit his job, or quits having sex with me, or quits being affectionate, I should be ok with that?!?!

Sorry, I don't swing that way.

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

So you would be OK with him just not having sex with you suddenly. Or quitting his job unexpectedly. Or cheating.

I know my husband well enough not to do these things. I just told him the other day if he ever wants to change careers I'll support him 100%. My husband is a very honorable man. We do have boundaries, but boundaries in my opinion are separate from expectations.

This works for us and we have a very fulfilling and successful marriage.

 

[Hope1964]

boundaries in my opinion are separate from expectations.

Ah. See, I agree with Elegirl about boundaries and expectations being intertwined.

I do know what you mean about saying you 'expect' certain things. it sounds demanding. If you prefer to call a tomAYto a tomAto I won't argue!

 

[SadSamIAm]

I see. So when my husband cheated on me, I should have been OK with it because I had unrealistic expectations of fidelity?!?! If he suddenly quit his job, or quits having sex with me, or quits being affectionate, I should be ok with that?!?!

Sorry, I don't swing that way.

It think that many expectations are implied ...

- Don't cheat on me
- Stay employed
- Be affectionate
- Have sex

They are implied, but when they aren't happening, you might need to state them in your expectations.

For me ... my wife withholds sex and isn't very affectionate, so I would mention those in our expectations. But I wouldn't include 'don't cheat on me', as that hasn't happened (that I am aware of).

By the way Hope ... I like your avatar. You are quite attractive and I would never guess your age.

 

[Coffee Amore]

That's not Hope. It's the original Athena from Battlestar Galactica. Ok, at first I thought it was Hope too.

 

[homebuilder]

i expect to be disspointed

 

[Pandakiss]

we have expectations for one another...

love
honesty
sex
one of us will do everything in our power to notice the other person, and pay attention to them.
we both cook, we both clean
we both expect to not have a third person in the marriage

we both expect the other one to use good judgement
we both expect equal time as couch commando
we both expect the other person to take feelings, and thoughts into consideration when making decisions

there is prob more, but thats my list for now.