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I have a very long story that spans over the last 5 years. I wont go into all the details but will give you a little history. Husband and I have been together since I was 18 and he was 16, we are now 39 and 37. We have three children together and we are "best friends". 5 years ago we separated because he needed to "think" and we had been fighting ALOT. I was so hurt, I cried day and night for a week and he finally came back home. The next day I snooped on his email and discovered an email from his co-worker asking him about lunch and saying "I love you and miss you". I hopped in my car, sped over to his work and busted them walking out to the car to go to lunch together. That day I threw his stuff out and he went to live with his best friend for the next 17 mos. During that time he was seeing both of us but wouldnt admit that to me. He would come to my house all the time and act like we were friends. I went through spells of crazy begging to hating him! At the end of the 17 mos I got really sick, he met me at the doctor although I didnt want him there and when I got home he cradled me in his arms saying the girl was going to work somewhere else, he wanted to come home and he was done with her. Of course I was hesitant but I wanted him...I still loved him! He was home for about. About 5 months later I busted him again (found a voice mail on his cell phone from her). This time he left the house, went to his best friends for one night and then went to stay with this *****, who had since divorced her husband and moved on our side of town. During the separation we still communicated almost daily. He would come to see the kids on the weekend and we would have sex. I was stupid for having sex with him but I still loved him, even when I hated him and I also felt good that he was cheating on her too. Warped way of thinking I know! After living with her for 4 months he said he was done with her and wanted to come home. Guess what......7 months later I busted him AGAIN!! So he left again and went to live with her for 3 mos. and then swore on his life he would be the husband I wanted and asked to come home. That was in January of 2010, so he has been home for almost 3 years now. The truth is that I dont know what he is doing anymore. We are still together, we get along most of the time, laugh alot and enjoy being with each other.

I always have that doubt in the back of my mind. I always ask myself if I was stupid for taking him back, I could have been happy by now but the truth is that the past haunts me everyday, whether we are having a good day or bad day it is always there! My husband isnt an affectionate person and I am, so we have issues in that area ALL THE TIME. Matter of fact that is my biggest issue. I want to be loved, I want to fell loved and I want to be able to stop worrying about what you MIGHT be doing and if I felt loved by you I could. He does what he knows how to do....but its honestly not what I need. I have begged him to be more affectionate, told him I need more because of everything that has happened. We dont talk about feelings a lot.....well I talk but he gets annoyed and the wall comes up. I know everyone thinks Im an idiot and why dont I leave but I just cant imagine my life without him. I feel weak and co-dependant because I need his constant reassurance.

When all this started we had both lost alot of weight together and his ego got huge. He was so overwhelmed with the attention that he was getting that I believe thats why he cheated. I was getting looks and comments as well but he didnt notice that...he just seemed to care about himself. Since all this has happened he has gained all of his weight back and I think deep down he blames me because if I had left him alone and let him do what he wanted back in 2007 he wouldnt have gained back his weight?! He is an emotional eater!

I could probably go on and on with little things that have happened, been said and done but its all pointless. I just wanted to ask if anyone has ever been in the same place I have been and how did you cope. Sometimes I feel like I might die if I keep feeling like this and others I get upset with myself because I bring up my feelings and worry that it just makes things harder for us. He is who he is and he probably isnt going to change, I have to accept that or move on , right? I just love him so much. I even told him yesterday that I dont know how I can love him so much after everything he has done to me but I do and sometimes I just dont feel like Im even on his radar.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! :)
 

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Hi,

That's quite a story. I can't offer you any insight, but for what it's worth I can imagine some of the pain you are feeling. I know what it's like to love someone despite all they've done and I know that, in itself, is a roller coaster ride.

Have you tried going to counselling (just for you)?
 

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I went to counseling a few times and he went separately then we went to 3 sessions together (this was all before the last time he came home). My husband would tell me stuff he was telling him and it seemed like he was just telling us both what we wanted to hear so I stopped going. Im sure I could benefit from counseling but recently I took a pay cut so the funds aren't there. My husband makes me feel weak for wanting to go! :(
 

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Firstly, you aren't "weak" for wanting to go to counselling. It's easy to just sit on your problems but takes courage to get out there and try to fix them.

There is nothing wrong with loving somebody. Sometimes you can't explain why you do - heck I reckon *most* of the time you can't explain why!

I don't know how true this is but I have read that to let something go you have to forgive yourself first - even if you have done nothing wrong you might feel "guilty" for "allowing" another person to mistreat you.

Sure, some might argue that you would be "better off without him" but that isn't what is happening right now and you need to feel good about yourself and your choices.

Be proud that you have stuck with your husband come thick and thin. I admire you for it.

It has often helped me just posting my feelings on here so perhaps try leaning on "us" instead of yourself. Reach out for help like you are doing - maybe that might give you the hand up you need to start feeling good about yourself again.
 

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Chris ,

I just read your original post about your situation and have to say that, you too, have to be a strong person to know all you do and to still stay. As I read your post I began to think about all the sex that you were having...do you think that it was a way to "stake your claim"?

Are you and your wife still working on things? Do you still believe that she wants things to get better? Where are you on that? Do you honestly believe she has had no further contact with the OM?
 

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Chris ,

I just read your original post about your situation and have to say that, you too, have to be a strong person to know all you do and to still stay. As I read your post I began to think about all the sex that you were having...do you think that it was a way to "stake your claim"?

Are you and your wife still working on things? Do you still believe that she wants things to get better? Where are you on that? Do you honestly believe she has had no further contact with the OM?
 

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Firstly, you aren't "weak" for wanting to go to counselling. It's easy to just sit on your problems but takes courage to get out there and try to fix them.

I don't know how true this is but I have read that to let something go you have to forgive yourself first - even if you have done nothing wrong you might feel "guilty" for "allowing" another person to mistreat you.

Sure, some might argue that you would be "better off without him" but that isn't what is happening right now and you need to feel good about yourself and your choices.

Be proud that you have stuck with your husband come thick and thin. I admire you for it.

It has often helped me just posting my feelings on here so perhaps try leaning on "us" instead of yourself. Reach out for help like you are doing - maybe that might give you the hand up you need to start feeling good about yourself again.
I agree with Chris be proud that the love you feel for your husband has lasted this long. For better or for worst. Please try to continue to express your feeling to your husband.
 

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Your husband knows well by now that you will take him back no matter what he does. When he is unfaithful again, ask yourself if you want to do this for the rest of your life.
 

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I am a betting man, and I can bet that your husband will cheat on you again if you take him back and RUG SWEEP this problem of his.

Stop being so complacent. Have some self respect, be a woman of caliber, of class, modesty because a woman like that is always in style, always rare, and always sought after!!!

Eat healthy, take care of your children, spend a little more on healthy foods and diets, vitamin c helps with the stress (cortisol) greatly, be confident, respect yourself, live for your children, and remember that you will only want him back if he only wants you and only YOU.

If it takes a month of IGNORING him, do it. He has too much contact with you while he is cheating to get a sense of the the reality of how it will be WITHOUT YOU. He needs this reality check. Give yourself a major reboot, make over, and don't settle for less, and do not have sex with him or cling to him. Do not contact him unless its an emergency, do not answer his phone calls, let it go to voicemail. Let HIM COME BEGGING TO YOU on his knees like a dog because he has been acting worse than that.
 

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Clean, if I had it to do all over again I might have done things differently. At the time I was in it, I was in alot of pain and allowed him to do alot of things that I look back at and realize were stupid. We are living in the same house right now and ignoring him might be hard to do. It sucks cause we do like each other, we enjoy doing things together and we tell each other everything. Its hard to lose your husband AND your best friend. He informed me today that he is not physically attracted to me anymore and doesnt want to have sex with me? This coming from the guy that put back on 110 lbs after he lost it 5 years ago. I have never cared if he was fat or thin. I loved him for him! Obviously his feelings arent the same. My heart has been broken all day. I feel like such a sad pathetic case! He is all I have known all my life. I have no relationship with my mom or dad and its been my husband and kids for the last 20 years. I know it can be done, but it just seems impossible to not have him in my life! Knowing that he feels this way about me changes things for me though.....how can he stay married to me and not want to have sex with me? He says he loves me and wants to be with me but I know that if/when the opportunity rises he will cheat again if he feels that way about me.

Im not a super model but Im not ugly.....the OW's ex husband told me that I was way hotter then she was....HA! And what does someones looks have to do with it after 20 years and 3 kids...it just blows me away and crushes me to the core!
 

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Chris ,

I just read your original post about your situation and have to say that, you too, have to be a strong person to know all you do and to still stay. As I read your post I began to think about all the sex that you were having...do you think that it was a way to "stake your claim"?

Do you honestly believe she has had no further contact with the OM?
I am as certain as I can be that she has not had contact with the OM since May 18th.

As far as the sex goes - who knows? Hysterical bonding is definitely 2 way so the "staking your claim" bit doesn't really ring quite true. It's more about claiming each other. Bit of an odd question from your original post but you have my answer anyway.

My WW says our love making is the best it's ever been and I have to say it is in some ways. Of course, for me I have the spectre of the OM etc. but it is different.

I'm sure each relationship is different.
 

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"your husband AND your best friend"

How can you consider someone your best friend when they mistreat you so constantly? You might want to take a very close look at how you define friendship. Friends do not treat you in this manner.
 

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I understand that where you are coming from. He is my best friend in that I go to him first for everything, we can talk about anything, except my feelings (ha) and we enjoy all the same things. I honestly do enjoy doing just about anything with him, we laugh and have a good time. When I express my need for something in the relationship or question his love for me that is when things get ugly...EVERYTIME!
 

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Im not a super model but Im not ugly.....the OW's ex husband told me that I was way hotter then she was....HA! And what does someones looks have to do with it after 20 years and 3 kids...it just blows me away and crushes me to the core!
Just got done reading your story here. I don't have anything to add more than what everyone else has said. But I want to agree with the OW's XH. I can only judge by your profile photo but you are quite pretty. 20 years, 3 kids or not. With your looks you definitely have options.
 

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Just got done reading your story here. I don't have anything to add more than what everyone else has said. But I want to agree with the OW's XH. I can only judge by your profile photo but you are quite pretty. 20 years, 3 kids or not. With your looks you definitely have options.
Thank you Sandc! Sometimes it doesnt matter about the outside when you're all jacked up on the inside! :)
 

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I think you're an incredibly forgiving woman. I hope he works hard to earn that from you and continues to do so. I will say that the words that your husband uses in this post and your other post to describe you really do set off red flags for me.

He calls you 'weak' for wanting counseling, and 'arrogant' when you display self confidence and independence.

These are negative words. I don't know you or your husband but this type of description is normally the way someone who is emotionally abusive will start to tear you down. I hope that's not the case and that these are uncommon exceptions.
 

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Thank you Sandc! Sometimes it doesnt matter about the outside when you're all jacked up on the inside! :)
Oh... don't I know that. Beauty on the outside is nothing if a person is full of bitterness. Like a birthday cake full of worms.

Take your time and heal. Clean up your inner self. Try to see that there are other people in the world who would treat you better. Your husbands problems aren't about you, they are about him. So as hard as this is you really shouldn't take his problems personally. They are his and his alone.
 

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I think you're an incredibly forgiving woman. I hope he works hard to earn that from you and continues to do so. I will say that the words that your husband uses in this post and your other post to describe you really do set off red flags for me.

He calls you 'weak' for wanting counseling, and 'arrogant' when you display self confidence and independence.

These are negative words. I don't know you or your husband but this type of description is normally the way someone who is emotionally abusive will start to tear you down. I hope that's not the case and that these are uncommon exceptions.
TCSR, I realize now after many years of feeling worthless that what he is doing is putting me down. I dont make excuses for him but I dont think he even realizes he does it. He is a negative person, finds faults in everything. I am the optimistic type...even if it looks like a dead end I will find a path to continue on. The glass is always half empty with him.
 

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TCSR, I realize now after many years of feeling worthless that what he is doing is putting me down. I dont make excuses for him but I dont think he even realizes he does it. He is a negative person, finds faults in everything. I am the optimistic type...even if it looks like a dead end I will find a path to continue on. The glass is always half empty with him.
After having a really horrific experience in a previous relationship, I'm a bit sensitive to that type of situation which is why I was bringing it up. For me, it was an important part of starting a relationship with my husband to keep away from that type of behavior. (My MIL is a shrew who was a big name caller so hubby was all on board for this).

It's helped to focus on what exactly the other person is 'doing' specifically but it's a really difficult thing to learn. I won't say that it's been all hearts and roses (obviously, since I'm here).

I hope it works out for you both - it's definitely a lot of work.
 
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